Could you get past this? (Drunken phone sex)

[howmanydegreesof]

DP and I have been together 2 years after a long friendship.
DP met a woman at the end of last year who I always had a funny feeling about, they chatted for a while via email/text (shared workplace but limited f2f contact), I commented that it seemed to be overly flirty and it stopped.

She continued to try and maintain contact, but he would blank most messages...

DP said they it was weird, as he has only spent about 6hours in her company and he struggles to see her as a 'real' person, more like a pen pal, but apparently understood where I was coming from.

So two weeks ago DP went on a bender, too much to drink and some cocaine. I was trying to ring him to check he was alive and it turns out he was on the phone to this woman, he had phoned to check in due to to CV pandemic (why???) and it had turned into phone sex (DP totally off his face, her sober as she is 13 weeks pregnant) DP didn't know about her pregnancy at the time but a mutual friend had told me...

Now I know that this woman isn't my problem, I have told her partner and am more than aware that DP is my problem, despite this woman's persistence.

I want to work past this, and although I definitely consider this cheating, and have made it completely clear to DP that if anything even close to this happens again we are done, but I'm struggling to keep the images of the phone call and the hurt I'm feeling out of my head.

How do I process/deal with this?? I don't want to allow it to drive me mad...

He’s going to continue cheating while off his tits on coke.

Do you cheat while you’re on coke? If not, why do you have self control and he doesn’t?

I’d ditch him, get clean and meet someone who isn’t a dick.

Some “pen pal.” It sounds like things have been simmering between them for a while, beginning with the lead-up to their “overly flirty” chat and culminating in their sleazy phone sex. While you were concerned and calling, he was happily bingeing and cheating. Walk away from this loser before you become diminished beyond recognition.

Telling you/showing you the emails or texts were to desensitise you to the situation.

He was keeping you on edge but also on side thinking it was him who was the good guy in this scenario.

Getting drunk and coked up meant that he took this to another level (which I believe would have been discussed in messages and emails you hadn't been shown) and on his self pitying/anger come down he told you. This is yet another manipulation, he's building your anxiety and codependency by trauma bonding you to him.

The good times are always amazing and make you feel special, judge him on how the 'bad times him' makes you feel.

Send him packing, you do not deserve this and he's building up to much much more, working through this will be detrimental to your mental health.

Get rid of him. He’s a loser and shouldn’t be behaving like this.

But actually saying that, his last 2 partners have both been vulnerable/daft,

Do you not think you fit this type to OP?

YES you have blinders on OP

So he has blocked this woman. They will another woman he’ll be friendly with next and the cycle will keep repeating itself. Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life wondering if he’s up to his old way? Imagine having children with this guy. Will he be high around the children? Do you really want this kind of life? You can’t change this guy. MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE

We have had a long conversation about him not being aware of his own attractiveness

This is bullshit and absolves him of responsibility for his own behaviour.

I agree with the PP who point out that the white knight stuff is also rubbish - he's hardly been your white knight, has he?

He has cheated on you with someone that you had specifically called him out on. He has continued to engage with that person after you called it out, and allowed it to escalate.

I've left my husband of 20 years because he was having phone sex with another woman.

Everything he’s been saying is complete bullshit, you know that don’t you? He reckons he barely knows her and hasn’t talked for a while as he’s been ‘ignoring’ her, yet she’s the person he calls as soon as he gets a minute to ‘check in’ and this just happens to develop into phone sex, despite there having been no more than flirty texts before (and not even that for a while, apparently ) and her being pregnant by someone else. Bullshit. Absolute bullshit. He’s just been hiding it better.
He’s now acting the victim with his ‘low self esteem’ (more bullshit) so you end up feeling sorry for him and wanting to help him through this troubling time for him, thus putting aside your own hurt and the fact that he’s the one in the wrong.
The white knight stuff is also bullshit, and I’d bet a wedge on it always being women he needs to rush in and ‘save’. He likes women to feel indebted to him, and to feel like he’s such a ‘good guy’ but gives not a single fuck how badly he treats you, the fact he is the pole opposite of a ‘good guy’ to you
You seem to fit his ‘type’ rather perfectly.

LTB

I'd ditch him too OP. Sorry.

Please don’t ‘accidentally’ fall pregnant. This relationship has disaster written all over it.
Double up on contraception please....

Urgh.

But actually saying that, his last 2 partners have both been vulnerable/daft

Ahem

He is pretty honest and straightforward in a lot of ways...
When he’s not out getting pissed , snorting coke and having phone sex with some woman . FFS He sounds absolutely amazing, the kind of man every woman pictures herself with . What’s not to love

Well it's pretty unanimous- and painful to read.

I'm struggling to find online/Skype counselling services online for less that £50ph....

I knew he was manipulative when we started the relationship, and could see that he wanted to be comforter/rescuer, but thought that as I was aware I was in control of myself.

You might be in control of yourself but you are not in control of him

No matter what you do he will make his own choices and he has demonstrated that they are poor ones in no uncertain terms

You would be an utter fool to stick around after such blatant disrespect

his last 2 partners have both been vulnerable/daft

* 3 partners...

Nope. Two years in should still be an extension of the honeymoon phase. If he’s looking for sexual kicks elsewhere already, nah. Time waster. You deserve better.

Lumene i think you have hit the nail on the head

Wow. That woman isnt your only issue here.

Your husband needs to seriously reevaluate his life reading this.