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Original poster

Could you get past this? (Drunken phone sex)

96 replies

howmanydegreesof · 11/04/2020 16:23

DP and I have been together 2 years after a long friendship.
DP met a woman at the end of last year who I always had a funny feeling about, they chatted for a while via email/text (shared workplace but limited f2f contact), I commented that it seemed to be overly flirty and it stopped.

She continued to try and maintain contact, but he would blank most messages...

DP said they it was weird, as he has only spent about 6hours in her company and he struggles to see her as a 'real' person, more like a pen pal, but apparently understood where I was coming from.

So two weeks ago DP went on a bender, too much to drink and some cocaine. I was trying to ring him to check he was alive and it turns out he was on the phone to this woman, he had phoned to check in due to to CV pandemic (why???) and it had turned into phone sex (DP totally off his face, her sober as she is 13 weeks pregnant) DP didn't know about her pregnancy at the time but a mutual friend had told me...

Now I know that this woman isn't my problem, I have told her partner and am more than aware that DP is my problem, despite this woman's persistence.

I want to work past this, and although I definitely consider this cheating, and have made it completely clear to DP that if anything even close to this happens again we are done, but I'm struggling to keep the images of the phone call and the hurt I'm feeling out of my head.

How do I process/deal with this?? I don't want to allow it to drive me mad...

OP posts:
Poppi89 · 11/04/2020 17:01

She is now blocked on all platforms, number deleted. And her partner knows

It's not her that's the issue, it's him. She just happened to answer that night. It doesn't mean he won't ring someone else the next time.

Why did he go on a bender on his own?
I don't understand that, unless it was specifically to ring this woman or try and meet up with someone.

Queenoftheashes · 11/04/2020 17:10

I can’t believe he told you. I guess that’s something but it sounds like he’s completely untrustworthy when fucked which is difficult to get past if you’re both into partying etc. I had a bf like that and I just sort of accepted it as who he was when off his tits. I ended up very depressed.

goldpartyhat · 11/04/2020 17:13

Step back OP and consider whether this man is the right person to continue a steady relationship with?
Drugs and alcohol dependence or indulgence in, isn't really the actions of a real grown up person. More like a risk taker and immature person. Risk taking behaviours are a pretty good bet someone will cheat or lie or do as he has done and engage in sexual behaviour with someone else.

If you want a life partner, this isn't the man for you at this time. Maybe in a few years he will see this behaviour for what it is and change, but in that time he will continue like this one way or another, and you will get hurt. If you just want a good time with an attractive man, then stick with him.

Aerial2020 · 11/04/2020 17:32

Are you sure it only happened the once?
And aside from the cocaine? Wtf?

maybemu · 11/04/2020 17:34

I do want to move past it, I don't know why, but I do love him, when he is at his best he is amazing. But this is obviously not a good thing.

I used to say the same thing and things like 'it's like he's two different people'. Problem was he wasn't two different people. It was always him in control of his actions.

This story is crazy close to a situation I've been in myself. I didn't have a problem with my ex partner doing stuff like that but then he started doing it on his own at night while I was sleeping. It's not normal to want to drink and do drugs in the house on your own. That is the sign of addiction. Let alone then cheat on your partner. My honest advice is think about all this mans actions and not just the ones you want to focus on.

If you really want to move past this, you need to think about what you need in order to do that and lay down the ground rules to him.

Michaelbaubles · 11/04/2020 17:37

We have had a long conversation about him not being aware of his own attractiveness (??) and being flattered, he also likes to play the white knight and help people who are struggling in various ways.

Damn right he’s manipulative, he’s managed to make a conversation about his flaws into a list of his virtues! “Oh, I’m too good looking but don’t realise it, I’m too nice, too helpful, too kind”. Fucking jog on, he’s a lying drug taking cheat!

Original poster
howmanydegreesof · 11/04/2020 17:38

humpy I don't know her partner, but it's a relatively small workplace, and it didn't take much detective work to ID her boyfriend on Facebook and find his number.

The mutual friend knows me and her boyfriend, doesn't like this woman and we had discussed the previous messages, so she told me about the pregnancy (total gossip)

I asked who he was talking to before Xmas, and he told me who, allowed me to read the messages, which led to me commenting on the scenario, and he then told me about (and showed) emails as they came in.

He is pretty honest and straightforward in a lot of ways....he wasn't showing me to goad in any way, just didn't want to hide anything from me....which makes this all the more upsetting.

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 11/04/2020 17:38

Could it be his baby?

Original poster
howmanydegreesof · 11/04/2020 17:39

No chance it's his baby- he's had the snip, I honestly believe they have not had any physical contact.

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 11/04/2020 17:41

Phew

Butterymuffin · 11/04/2020 17:43

he also likes to play the white knight and help people who are struggling in various ways.

I guarantee you this is a handy excuse to take relationships with vulnerable / daft women a step too far. Total red flag.

I get that you're not a saint OP, but you don't deserve this. Draw a line - between now and the past. Raise your standards from this point on. And start by ditching this loser.

Original poster
howmanydegreesof · 11/04/2020 17:44

buttery yes I know that...it's clear to everyone except him....and I don't think it's just women to be honest, he likes to get his teeth into what makes people tick...

OP posts:
Original poster
howmanydegreesof · 11/04/2020 17:46

But actually saying that, his last 2 partners have both been vulnerable/daft, and he has supported them emotionally and financially, and put up with a lot...he's only had two relationships and they have both been pretty long term.

I know these women, I'm not just going on what he has said

OP posts:
lowlandLucky · 11/04/2020 17:47

If you dont't respect yourself how on earth do you expect him to respect you ? You will never ever get the trust back, it has been broken and cant be repaired. What he has done ( and will do in the future) will take the shine off every moment you spend together. He has ruined it, get rid and start working on your own self esteem.

Boireannachlaidir · 11/04/2020 17:48

We have had a long conversation about him not being aware of his own attractiveness

I think you need to work on yourself and you'll soon see that there's nothing attractive about him, he's not to be trusted and doesn't sound like much of a catch anyway?

However long that conversation was, you'll never get that time back and it's all such a waste.

Aerial2020 · 11/04/2020 17:49

But why didn't he call you when he was out of it? Why her? And it just turned into phone sex????
Something doesn't add up.

Butterymuffin · 11/04/2020 17:57

Ah, so he gets something out of being the 'rescuer' in a relationship, the 'better person'. Is this latest behaviour him trying to knock you off keel, make you jealous and upset? Meanwhile it's sort of justified because it's all innocent / for people who need support?

I have a bad feeling about all of it. I still think you're better off walking away now, before you become another of his 'rescued' women.

Poppi89 · 11/04/2020 17:59

But actually saying that, his last 2 partners have both been vulnerable/daft,

Do you not think you fit this type to OP?

crispysausagerolls · 11/04/2020 18:01

It’s bananas to stay with someone who has done this. He has no boundaries. He will do it again and again and again.

TARSCOUT · 11/04/2020 18:04

@howmanydegreesof
"He's also as manipulative as all addicts"
He has manipulated you into giving him another chance. The only person you are kidding is yourself. It will happen again, you can be sure of that, you've basically given him the green light to do so. I'm sorry you feel you aren't worth more but maybe more counselling will help. Just don't be surprised when it happens again, and again.

MissBax · 11/04/2020 18:05

Well he's cheated on you. If you think that's okay and want to stay with him then that's your decision but don't minimise it or make excuses for him. If we weren't in a lockdown can you be sure he wouldn't go on a bender and actually cheat? The is the closest thing he could get to the real deal given the current climate. How can you be sure he hasn't done that before? How can you trust him at all?
Where did he go on this bender?! Walking the streets alone sniffing and boozing?! I find that hard to believe.

MoiraRoses · 11/04/2020 18:09

Hmm he wanted to be a knight in shining to another man's pregnant partner while you sat at home worrying about where your drugged up partner was during a lock down. Wow he's a catch!
And now he gets a free pass and scolded that he's too attractive to be doing such a naughty thing ever again.
Really?? 😕

Postspecific · 11/04/2020 18:13

This does not check out.

Remember the facts. He called her.

FreeKitties · 11/04/2020 18:16

he also likes to play the white knight and help people who are struggling in various ways

And are all these people young women by any chance ?

Potterspotter · 11/04/2020 18:20

Fishy. You need more counselling, you don’t believe you deserve better.

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