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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has a “one that got away”

93 replies

Dannyandsandy · 10/04/2020 15:07

Quarantining with bf of about 8 months. He told me he has a one that got away. It was said in a jovial way but I feel really put out. Is this just me being emotional or am I right to feel really put out? Surely he will always think about her if we become more serious? It’s made me really uneasy. Has anyone here got a one that got away? Do you still think about that person? :S

OP posts:
minipie · 10/04/2020 15:10

I’d say the idea of “the one that got away” can vary from “person I was obsessed with for years, still think about them every day” to “person I quite fancied but nothing ever happened, I vaguely wonder about them once every few years”.

I’d be somewhat concerned about the first kind but not the second kind...

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2020 15:10

He is an absolute twat for telling you that. How did this manage to come up in conversation?

Needbettername · 10/04/2020 15:12

Would need more details to know for sure but I think I would end it.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 10/04/2020 15:15

It’s a stupid phrase anyway. But I would wonder about his motivation behind saying it.

NoMoreDickheads · 10/04/2020 15:15

Aww, I think most people have a WTGA. Mine was probably my first love. He ended it for a specific reason, but we were incompatible as people anyway really. I will always occasionally think of how much that teenage girl loved. But it would never work and I wouldn't want to get back with him- he was weird in some ways.

I suppose it depends how much he's still into her. It is a weird thing to mention so early in a relationship, if at all. Was he really pissed when he mentioned it or something?

DianaT1969 · 10/04/2020 15:20

Did you ask him? Or did he ask you? Certain avoidant personally types always have a one that got away (spoken or unspoken) because it gives them a reason to not fully commit to the current one.

ginlover9 · 10/04/2020 15:21

Yes I did have one who but I treat him quite badly and ended things (I was young and only interested in going out and partying) and he wanted something serious and it put me off. I used to think about him a lot and thought about what could of been. I would never tell my partner though and I rarely think about him now. I think it's quite common.

Ireland234 · 10/04/2020 15:38

My partner said a similar thing near the start of our relationship, 3 years on it still bothers me.

izzywizzygood · 10/04/2020 15:43

OP, is this someone he had a relationship with or just someone he fancied/was friends with but it never got any further?

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/04/2020 16:10

I think most of us have one, and being open about that with new people you meet is a positive thing.

Really: it isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and I can never understand why people are so threatened by their partner’s previous partners if they were good people. There’s reason they’re not still together, but also a reason they look fondly upon them, and with the exception of abuse or exploitation, having a partner who acknowledges the input their previous partners had on their lives is actually really attractive, as far as I’m concerned.

Mine was a Kiwi whose visa expired and didn’t get renewed, so he had to go home. He is an awesome guy who I have an awful lot of (now, platonic) love and respect for. I went to his wedding and met his now-wife and I couldn’t be happier for the two of them - she is wonderful, a better partner to him than I could ever have been, and they deserve all the happiness. And likewise, he has met my now partner and they have many similarities and like each other, which shouldn’t be so unusual considering they must both have shared qualities I like.

What makes you uneasy? I think it would be more of a concern if he wasn’t open and it was a clandestine emotion of his.

Original poster
Dannyandsandy · 10/04/2020 16:32

They were together in uni but it ended. This was about 10 years ago for him now. There’s an eight year age gap between him and I. We were in the garden having a beer last night with our housemate and this particular topic came up. She has been married and has a child. Part of me thinks he wouldn’t have mentioned if it’s something he thinks about often. It just really bothers me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dannyandsandy · 10/04/2020 16:34

@izzywizzygood they were a FWB type thing in uni but it didn’t work because of distance. She lived in Scotland and him in Wales.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dannyandsandy · 10/04/2020 16:35

@Aquamarine1029 I know right? It’s really given me the ick. Feeling like second best tbh.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2020 16:40

Feeling like second best tbh.

I don't blame you and I would, too. I would feel as though there's no way to live up to his expectations, so why even bother. I think this would be it for me. You deserve more than being someone's runner-up.

Original poster
Dannyandsandy · 10/04/2020 16:49

Everything was perfect up until this. I’ve never felt so loved and cared for by anyone. I know I sound crazy but this has completely changed my feelings towards him. Hypothetically, if I did end it over this I’m not sure what I’d do as I’m in isolation with him. I’ve been off with him since last night and he keeps asking why. I don’t have the balls to say it yet as I keep getting so teary.

OP posts:
Nearlyalmost50 · 10/04/2020 16:52

I think it's quite usual to have a crush or relationship that didn't work out and for that to be something you think about from time to time.

I can't tell from what you have said whether this is going to affect your relationship or not, but you crying and being off without being honest is going to.

BonneMaman77 · 10/04/2020 16:53

It could be an issue if he still want to be with her rather than you or anyone else for that matter. You should focus on how he treats you and the dynamics of your relationship. If it does not feel right then that's what matters.

I had one, since I was 16. The feeling stayed with me for a very long time. Five years' into my first marriage when I then saw a photo of him on FB with my brother - he is my brother's friend - I realised I had not thought of him in any way since I fell for my first husband! That has not changed during or since divorcing my Ex.

So from my personal experience, it really does depend on his current relationship with you. Also, depends on how much his comment has now irreparably put you off.

izzywizzygood · 10/04/2020 16:57

If it was a uni thing it's probably wrapped up in teenage emotion type stuff, where we always think of ex-teenage/early adulthood lovers with naive retrospective eyes. If he really did like her that much, then he would have made it happen regardless of distance. He's probably idealizing it all. It didn't develop between them, and probably for good reason.
Maybe tell him it was a bit of a hurtful comment, as no-one really wants to hear that.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2020 17:07

You need to tell him exactly how you feel and explain why what he said is so hurtful.

Original poster
Dannyandsandy · 10/04/2020 17:11

Thanks all. I agree that I need to be upfront and honest with him. Can’t get over how much the comment affected me. Maybe it’s because we’ve been cooped up indoors for so long now... or maybe I just need to grow up and get over myself!

OP posts:
DeathByBoredom · 10/04/2020 17:12

I'd usually flag it up as an avoidant type comment, but alongside your reaction I'd be wondering if you have heard of anxious-avoidant relationships? You seem pretty upset by it as well.

triedandtestedteacher · 10/04/2020 17:15

I think the fact he's told you about it is not great. Quarantining with boyfriends is a bad idea. Too much too soon. Most people have a one that got away but you don't discuss it with current partner unless you don't value them much

Runmybathforme · 10/04/2020 17:19

I’d be upset too, and I don’t think I could ever forget it. He should never have said it. You need to have a conversation with him, you need more information. Good luck.

Original poster
Dannyandsandy · 10/04/2020 17:20

@triedandtestedteacher He didn’t tell me, I asked him. We were talking about it with a housemate in the garden and I said to him “you haven’t had one have you?” And he said “course I have. Everyone has.” Maybe he doesn’t value me and I’ve been taken for a mug. You’re probably right.

OP posts:
OuterMongolia · 10/04/2020 17:24

I agree with him that everyone has one! Or a lot of people, anyway. I have one - we split up 28 years ago and I've been with DH for 23 years, so I don't think he has anything to be worried about!