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Original poster

He has a “one that got away”

93 replies

Dannyandsandy · 10/04/2020 15:07

Quarantining with bf of about 8 months. He told me he has a one that got away. It was said in a jovial way but I feel really put out. Is this just me being emotional or am I right to feel really put out? Surely he will always think about her if we become more serious? It’s made me really uneasy. Has anyone here got a one that got away? Do you still think about that person? :S

OP posts:
ladybee28 · 11/04/2020 21:09

Which part are you put out about - the fact that he has a personal history (all parts of which made him the man you love today), or the fact that he's honest with you when you ask him questions?

EmotionalFlood · 11/04/2020 21:39

Unless you meet at say... 16yrs. Everyone has history, agree with PP if you don't want to know. Don't ask. He was open and honest and personally I think it's a ridiculous thing to end a relationship over that's so new? But only you know how effected you'll remain over a question you asked?

sonjadog · 11/04/2020 21:40

From the conversation you said you had had in a later post, I think you are majorly overreacting. He didn't go on about how the love of his life was gone, he just said that everyone has some it didn't work out with. That is entirely normal. I can think of a few people I have dated who if we had met at a different time things might have worked out differently. Doesn't mean I secretly pine for them. In fact, I hardly ever give them a thought. I think most people have people in their past like this.

Dery · 11/04/2020 21:47

“From the conversation you said you had had in a later post, I think you are majorly overreacting. He didn't go on about how the love of his life was gone, he just said that everyone has some it didn't work out with. That is entirely normal. I can think of a few people I have dated who if we had met at a different time things might have worked out differently. Doesn't mean I secretly pine for them. In fact, I hardly ever give them a thought. I think most people have people in their past like this.”

This. And what @GilbertMarkham said. Your poor BF was trapped into the comment, and dealt with it in a very matter of fact way. He doesn’t appear to attach many importance to it (ie his comment ‘doesn’t everyone?’). Don’t turn it into a stick to beat him with. And as others have said, don’t ask a question if you’re not ready to hear the answer. It sounds like your relationship has been going really well - don’t let something meaningless like this spoil it.

MaeveDidIt · 11/04/2020 22:23

OP I don't think its unreasonable to be upset at all.
Instinctively it tells you there was once a very special person, and given the chance if they could turn the clock back would they choose that person over you.
So no, I don't blame you for questioning and being down at all.
They're your feelings and no one elses.

Neolara · 11/04/2020 22:28

I agree with your bf. I think most people have a "one that got away". But most people also seem to go on to meet other people and fall madly in love with them.

BakewellGin1 · 11/04/2020 22:37

I definately have... We got together at 16 and were mad about each other but things moved too quickly for me as he wanted to always be with me and I had never enjoyed partying etc. It wasn't even about wanting anyone else when I ended it I just felt suffocated... However had I have met him 10 years later he would of been perfect.

I have never ever had anyone treat me like he did or care about me the way he did. He was respectful, kind, caring, loving and fun.
Basically I never realised what I had and looking back I regret how I ended things. He is married now with several children and appears to be happy.

I am happily married however I sometimes wonder what could have been. However things happen for a reason and I have two beautiful children as a result of how things are and therefore I would never change things.

Qwerty543 · 11/04/2020 22:46

DP does and I knew early on. I was thrown and asked him if he would ever feel for me what he felt for her as he was hung up on her for a long time and they briefly got back together years later but it didn't work out.

In my mind if they had been meant for each other it would have worked. I also believe DP was so hung up as his subsequent relationship was not great.

We have a great relationship and I don't feel threatened by his past. To dump a good man and a happy relationship over something they cannot control is ridiculous.

MirrorBallMirror · 11/04/2020 22:50

I think OP has gone now.

But I find this topic interesting "the one that got away".

Honestly, I think the whole concept is pretty much nonsense, and am surprised people think its common.

What does that mean "the one that got away". It usually means:

(a) the other person didn't want you! so you soften the blow and see it through rosy tinted spectacles by saying "the one that got away"! OR
(b) the one you didn't have the balls to go for at the time. Usually by passive wasters living in dream land! They can be all "wistful" when it was really their lack of gumption that was the problem. But they don't usually mention that part! Perhaps that self-reflection would be the more relevant and important part.

There are possibly exceptions (think film Casablanca) but for most people its just a natural outcome of rejection, weakness or circumstances neither party decided to try to overcome. To drone wistfully on about the "one that got away" is probably a bit of a rosy tinted spin on the reality of things.

I once was interested in a man who droned on about the one that got away. With nothing else forth coming I though he sounded weak and self-centred, which he probably was. I did think men sufferred from this more though, having more of a "fantasy" view of women than a "real" one.

In the OP's case its a bit harder to judge, because she put the question to him, and as PPs have said put him on the spot unfairly, in a group situation too. So OP has exposed her own carelessness or insecurity.

Now I am older, I would be inclined to ask any romantic interest who started on about the "one who got away" lots of questions. I think, personally, this would result in lots of squirming! Grin

Russellbrandshair · 11/04/2020 22:52

Eh I think everyone has a OTGA - we can all relate to it in some shape or form. Either the timing wasn’t right, or they weren’t ready or you weren’t ready or circumstances happened or it just didn’t materialise. It’s no big deal to me. The entire point of TOTGA is that it’s “what if.....” you can imagine it as perfect as you like and in that sense it’s just a fantasy because chances are- if you had actually gone out it would have failed anyway. So in my mind it’s just silly escapism.

HollowTalk · 11/04/2020 22:53

I wouldn't be happy with a one who got away who he was friends with on FB. It just seems too much trouble.

MirrorBallMirror · 11/04/2020 22:55

I think people are confusing TOTGA with just having exes. I would say they are different. TOTGA is a term I would imagine as someone pining after someone special from your past. Which to me is different from just having 1, or 2, or 2 exes. I think "weren't ready for you" usually can be code for didn't want you. The truth hurts.

Azadewow · 11/04/2020 23:15

Grow up op. You put him on a spot asking him the question in front of others and then you get sulky that he answered it honestly. Did u want him to lie? He was in a no win situation and he handled himself magnificently. He responded truthfully, while also telling it wasn't a big deal and it didn't mean anything.
And your response was to sulk, and go off him, consider damping him, while avoiding telling him what's on your mind. He deserves better tbh

Russellbrandshair · 11/04/2020 23:19

@azadewow so well said. This exactly.

Original poster
Dannyandsandy · 12/04/2020 03:38

@HollowTalk I agree but they were friends at uni etc and tbh, this doesn’t bother me as she has had kids and been married twice! We also live abroad so chances of ever seeing her are slim to none. He has lived abroad now for years

OP posts:
Original poster
Dannyandsandy · 12/04/2020 03:45

@Azadewow he didn’t say it wasn’t a big deal and it didn’t mean anything. Saying he deserves better is ridiculous. You don’t know either of us. Please don’t be so judgemental. Are you like this with all your comments?

OP posts:
StinkyWizzleteets · 12/04/2020 03:51

Life lesson learned: don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to!

Your insecurity could be the death of this relationship. Everyone has a past. Most people have been in love before, most people have had their hearts broken leading to the point where you two met. I totally understand the anxiety of your partner having the one who got away but do you want to be the next one to be labelled as such or do you actually trust your partner enough that his honesty probably means it’s in the past for them?

Original poster
Dannyandsandy · 12/04/2020 04:40

@MirrorBallMirror I agree with your posts. Part of me thinks that if it was meant to be then it would be. Also, the fact she got divorced, she would have tried to get back in contact I guess but she didn’t.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 12/04/2020 04:46

Why ask him if you want him to lie?

Original poster
Dannyandsandy · 12/04/2020 05:40

@StinkyWizzleteets life lesson learned: don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear the answer to! 100% lesson learned lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Dannyandsandy · 12/04/2020 05:41

@Josette77 I don’t want him to lie. I just didn’t like the truth.

OP posts:
Dontletitbeyou · 12/04/2020 06:02

The truth often has elements that we don’t like . You need to just accept what he’s told you , it’s no big deal . I think you are being unreasonable tbh , as others have said , at least he was honest . Think you need to give him a break

Harakeke · 12/04/2020 06:10

I think he was tactless. There are exes I think about, but bringing them up in a wistful way is hurtful.

Original poster
Dannyandsandy · 12/04/2020 06:25

Thanks for all the replies everyone. I have realised I shouldn’t have asked him if I wasn’t prepared for the truth and I should probably give him some slack. He has noticed that something is off and I haven’t had the balls yet to say why and that isn’t fair to him. I don’t want to come across as really insecure (which I am and he knows this). It has really tainted my view of the relationship and I can’t shake the feeling that I will forever be second best. Struggling to find the right words but I know I have to bring it up tonight or else it will just ruin the relationship. He’s a great guy so it’s a real shame I feel the way I do.

OP posts:
Crystal87 · 12/04/2020 06:55

I was with a guy that used to say something like this. He used to blow hot and cold and it used to upset me but I'd put up with it. He was very hot and cold and in the end I dumped him. I can't imagine putting up with anything less than a man who adores me and makes that clear to me.