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Original poster

He has a “one that got away”

93 replies

Dannyandsandy · 10/04/2020 15:07

Quarantining with bf of about 8 months. He told me he has a one that got away. It was said in a jovial way but I feel really put out. Is this just me being emotional or am I right to feel really put out? Surely he will always think about her if we become more serious? It’s made me really uneasy. Has anyone here got a one that got away? Do you still think about that person? :S

OP posts:
SimonJT · 10/04/2020 17:24

It’s a really difficult one, I have one, we almost got married and for a while I did used to think what it would be like if we had got married, this year he mentioned on the date that it would have been our wedding anniversary.

He’s a very close friend and has been for a long time, my boyfriend is aware that we were in a relationship etc and we had a bit of an FWB arrangement when I was single/just seeing people casually.

But, it isn’t something I kept quiet, my boyfriend knew he was an ex and an FWB when we got together so he then had the choice of carrying on or deciding not to see me anymore. They have met lots of times and get on very well, they can also join together to bully me!

You need to tell him if you’re unhappy, in a good relationship you should be able to talk about anything, even uncomfortable things.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 10/04/2020 17:25

Do you have one though? I think I have at least 2 that in hindsight I should probably have married!

CollaborativeBee · 10/04/2020 17:30

I don't blame you for wanting to press pause and digest this.

It is good for you that you are literally turned off by being somebody's second best. Maybe it will turn out that that's not the case and he was very clumsy mentioning it, trying to appear deep or interesting (your housemate was there too?) so who knows.

But if he still feels a decade later that she got away, that is not good enough for you.

There have been a few people, I felt shortly afterwards that they ''got away'' but as soon as I'd had time to process what really happened, I no longer felt that they'd got away! more that I'd had a lucky escape or that it just wasn't meant to be.

Original poster
Dannyandsandy · 10/04/2020 17:37

I don’t have one. I’ve just turned 25 so I guess I’m still quite young to have an ex I view in this way. I feel that if it’s meant to be then it would be. I would hate to have such regrets over someone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dannyandsandy · 10/04/2020 17:37

@HollyBollyBooBoo

OP posts:
Nearlyalmost50 · 10/04/2020 17:40

It's a very common thing, and I think the fact that's he's honest is a good thing. You asked if he'd had one and he replied truthfully, I don't get everyone saying he shouldn't have said anything.

I think some people just prefer a don't ask don't tell type of relationship, me I'd rather hear about people's pasts and truths, not all the time, not in an obsessive way, but just as part of what made them them. My husband is in touch with girlfriends from when he was 18 though as part of a wide friendship group. I also know who broke his heart (before me). I think this type of talk is normal and I would prefer it to a blank slate as to what went before. I don't think what he said is relevant to how he feels about you- or if it is, then surely you need to know and discuss.

Original poster
Dannyandsandy · 10/04/2020 17:40

Thanks @CollaborativeBee I will bring it up with him tonight and hear him out. Really sad overall as I think this will taint how I view him if we continue our relationship.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 10/04/2020 17:42

Is he avoidant in any other way? Does he include you in his plans? Future holidays (in the old non virus days 😁), introduce you to friends and family?
I wouldn't spoil a good relationship over this until you chat it through with him.

Bessica1970 · 10/04/2020 17:42

Just be honest with him. He’s done nothing wrong - would you have wanted him to lie?
If you tell him I’m guessing he’ll try to reassure you. Everyone has a past.

Original poster
Dannyandsandy · 10/04/2020 17:44

@DianaT1969 yes I’ve met his family and planned a holiday which we had to cancel due to the virus.

OP posts:
Bessica1970 · 10/04/2020 17:44

Having said that - I’m not sure I’d be comfortable if it turned out they were FB friends or something. I’m happy for my DH to be friends with ex’s he ended things with - but less so with ones that ended it with him it’s win? Probably unreasonable, but that’s how I feel 🙂

Original poster
Dannyandsandy · 10/04/2020 17:46

@Bessica1970 Fair point. Maybe I’m blowing this out of proportion but it seems like such a big deal. Maybe it is just because I haven’t left the house in so long and I’m finally going mad :D guess he will try and reassure me as he won’t want to end the relationship over it

OP posts:
Original poster
Dannyandsandy · 10/04/2020 17:47

@Bessica1970 they’re friends on fb

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Beansandcoffee · 10/04/2020 17:52

But you asked him the question, would you rather he lied. If you ask a question be prepared for an answer you don't want to hear. However you do now need to give him a chance to explain and you to say how you felt. It’s like the question “does my bum look big in this!”.

BackseatCookers · 10/04/2020 18:01

Tough one. I think he was put in a bit of a lose lose situation, he said something relatively flippantly when you asked him directly on the spot in front of people.

It's a dangerous phrase because it means different things to different people. For some it means their big love they wish they hadn't lost, for others it means someone they think about and wonder what could have been, for some it means someone who they wished was a better fit than they were and wasn't it a shame etc.

I don't think he's been horrible to you, you need to just have a chat to him and say argh this made me feel funny can we just talk about it so I can clear my head on how it's made me feel.

I think it was more jarring as it was unexpected, rather than needing to be a huge concern but everyone is different.

Ugh poor you I hate these moments that give you that gut punch tummy flip feeling of dread!

BackseatCookers · 10/04/2020 18:02

Oh @Beansandcoffee put it far better than me. This, exactly this.

But you asked him the question, would you rather he lied. If you ask a question be prepared for an answer you don't want to hear. However you do now need to give him a chance to explain and you to say how you felt. It’s like the question “does my bum look big in this!”.

Meadows89 · 10/04/2020 18:05

The fact that he's told you, just goes to show he feels the relationship is secure enough to be able to give you a straight answer. If he genuinely had any real motives to go seek this other woman out he probably would have just lied. Still mention to him that it took you off guard a little but I'm sure he hasn't given the comment a second thought as he knew how innocent it was to him.

And I agree with the others - a lot of people have 'the one that got away'. I've had three long term relationships current one being 6 years, we have bought a house together, have a joint savings account and I'm 8 months pregnant - we're as stable as any relationship could be and I can't imagine myself with anyone else in the future. However, there have been flings in between these relationships and one guy in particular, where I do sometimes wonder where things could have led if there hadn't been the issue of distance. In all reality, the fact we couldn't make long distance work probably means weren't that infatuated with each other in the first place.

I love my partner, I don't want anyone else but it's normal to sometimes be curious of how life may have been different if things had taken a different path :)

GilbertMarkham · 10/04/2020 18:07

I think he was put in a bit of a lose lose situation, he said something relatively flippantly when you asked him directly on the spot in front of people.

This

He wasn't talking about it, you elicited it.

Now you're stressing and huffing because he have an honest answer which was also quite pragmatic and did not indicate someone who thinks much about it or is mooning about holding a candle for someone.

But because you don't have someone you may some have regrets it didn't work out with, he's not allowed to have .. even though you got together with him knowing he's older and likely to have had more relationships.

He can't win.

Yours coming across as insecure and a bit neurotic, sorry. This is the sort of behaviour that men roll their eyes and day "women" about .. taken further, it's the sort of behaviour that makes someone not want to be involved with you.

GilbertMarkham · 10/04/2020 18:08

*You're
*Say

anothernotherone · 10/04/2020 18:10

I agree that the fact he only told you when you asked specifically, and that he phrased it as "of course, everyone has" makes it far less icky / red light.

If he'd made a point of telling you without you asking it'd be run for the hills territory as it smacks of "training" you to accept second best and be grateful for scraps of affection and half hearted commitment. That's what I thought at the start of the thread.

However you asked... If you don't want to know, don't ask...

anothernotherone · 10/04/2020 18:13

Mind you, you could split up with him so that he can be your one who got away, so you'll be on an equal footing in your next relationship Wink

Rettstar · 10/04/2020 18:18

I have one, I'm now married. The one who got away came into my life 20 yrs ago then life happened and we both were in relationships and then suddenly he was in my life again and all of the love I felt for him 20 years ago sprang up, as well as all the issues from 20 years ago!

He then met someone who was his "one who got away" and moved away. I was heart broken, but I realised that I was lucky enough to still have him as a friend in my life. I love my husband, so leaving him was never in the frame, my husband is for me, the better man, best friend and life partner and that's all that matters.

So don't fret. The ones who got away, are often not the right ones. If they were, they wouldn't have got away in the first place.

MasterCat · 10/04/2020 18:18

But you specifically asked him.

Would you prefer he lied?

I think most people have one.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 10/04/2020 20:29

I've got 20 years on you so you've got time yet to accumulate 1 or 2! It's not regrets either just serendipity, it wasn't meant to be at the time.

I don't want to be mean but I think you're being a bit immature about it and way over thinking it.

Don't let things like this ruin a good relationship (assuming it is of course).

brightyellowcardigan · 11/04/2020 20:31

Ah so you asked him. That completely changes things. In the future if you don't want to know something about him, don't ask.

I have a one that got away. I was 16 and madly in love Winkand still think about him and wonder what he's doing from time to time. And by that I mean once every few years. I'm happily married and have been with dh for 15 years and wouldn't change a thing. I don't think it's that uncommon. I have no idea if dh has one as I'd actually really rather not know so have never asked.

Don't let this put you off of him,it sounds like a good relationship.