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Relationships

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Original poster

He has a “one that got away”

93 replies

Dannyandsandy · 10/04/2020 15:07

Quarantining with bf of about 8 months. He told me he has a one that got away. It was said in a jovial way but I feel really put out. Is this just me being emotional or am I right to feel really put out? Surely he will always think about her if we become more serious? It’s made me really uneasy. Has anyone here got a one that got away? Do you still think about that person? :S

OP posts:

Crystal87 · 12/04/2020 06:56

Just realised I said the hot and cold thing twice 🤔

Reginabambina · 12/04/2020 07:03

I think its pretty normal after years of dating to accumulate past relationships/love interests that for one reason or another didn’t go anywhere and to wonder what might have been if one had tried harder to make it work. It’s not fair to expect someone in their thirties not to have a past and not to ever feel like they might be at a happier, more settle point in their lives by now had things been slightly different. It’s not the same as not valuing your current relationship or actively wanting to find a past flame and try again.

Reginabambina · 12/04/2020 07:10

It would also be a bit weird if he’d kept thus from you, imagine if you’d found out years after marrying and having children. It’s normal to share a brief synopsis of ones past during the early stage of a relationship, this can include past significant emotional attachments. I remember my husband telling me when we were first dating about his one who got away. He’d nearly asked her to marry him. It was complicated and hurt him a great deal. I think it’s normal to share things like that. It’s also worth noting how much people change over time. I doubt he’s the same many he was when he was seeing this woman, it’s very unlikely he still feels the way he used to about her.

VictoriaBun · 12/04/2020 07:15

How about trying to see the situation differently.
When someone comes into your life, they bring something with them. To a small / or sometimes bigger degree it changes you. It can be that they show you something in their way of living or perhaps their personality that rubs off or you learn is a good trait . Or perhaps in a negative way the ending of a relationship makes a person change something that was bad in themselves .
He / we are all made up to be the people we have become because of who we have met along our journey of life . You can't change his past , it is a part of him.

Standrewsschool · 12/04/2020 07:16

So he revealed he had one after you asked him. It doesn’t sound like he is pining after her then, but that she was part of his past, and only mentioned it when you brought the subject up. Ten years ago is along time, and it sounds like he has moved on, so I wouldn’t worry if the relationship is okay.

My dh and a very close platonic relationship with a friend. Everyone thought they would get together. Dh still mentions her today (she was a mutual friend). Been married over twenty years, so one that got away doesn’t have to be a deal breaker.

OuterMongolia · 12/04/2020 07:41

Talk to him, OP. He may be able to reassure you.

thepeopleversuswork · 12/04/2020 07:51

OuterMongolia don’t talk to him. What’s he going to say? In a best case scenario you come across as insecure and needy for being fixated on it. If he’s mentioned it to make you jealous he will enjoy that hugely. Don’t give him that power.

I think it’s understandable that he has a past but that he’s a nob for mentioning this. It’s normal to have people you have been with that you wonder about but not to taunt your current partner with it.

Hopoindown31 · 12/04/2020 07:57

Why ask a question you don't want an honest answer to? He didn't just bring it up, he answered a question you asked him. What did you tell him about your 'one that got away'?

You can mention it to him but I think you are totally overreacting and I expect he'll say the same.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 12/04/2020 08:12

Oh wow, it really doesn't necessarily mean anything. I have an ex that i always thought of as my one who got away. We dated for a while at uni, he was bloody gorgeous and he played lead guitar in a band, we were absolutely mad about each other, and broke up and got back together many times (it was all very passionate and teenage!). I haven't set eyes on him in 30 years and have been very happy with my husband for almost that long. I found out a few years ago he is now a born again Christian, I am an atheist, so it would never have worked out!

Unsure12 · 12/04/2020 08:28

When I first got with my ex he had a ‘best friend’ who had always wanted to be with him but they never could as she was in a relationship. It truly bothered me but I tried to let it go. Fast forward almost 7 years, 2 kids later. He’s just left me for the ‘best friend’ around 7 weeks ago. He was having an emotional affair with her and took her out for valentines whilst I sat at home waiting for him so I could give him his presents. You have every right to be concerned about this. I’d say for you to follow your gut, I never did. If it’s something you can’t get over then there is a reason behind it. I’d talk it out with him and see what happens. My ex got uptight and angry every time I spoke but I just wanted him to understand how I felt. I should have left years ago but everybody makes mistakes. Wishing you all the best on whatever you decide to do

SignGrudgeBluebook · 12/04/2020 08:41

I think it depends how it's categorised.

Someone you almost married but now think thankfully you didn't or someone you pine for on a regular basis and think that you and that person would have been great together but for (insert reason).

Give him a chance to explain but you are on the back foot because he now knows you are upset so he will give a tailored answer instead of the truth probably.

At 25 you still have a lot of block to run around to be honest. You need to have at least one 'one that got away' in your background before you settle down if you are feeling this way.

ladybee28 · 12/04/2020 10:52

Struggling to find the right words but I know I have to bring it up tonight or else it will just ruin the relationship

The words are whatever words you need to own your own emotions.

"You said this yesterday, and I noticed I felt insecure. I'm sharing this with you because I'm struggling to process the emotions. You haven't done anything wrong and how I'm feeling is not your fault – but you're my best friend and I'd like your help to name what I'm feeling and put it behind me."

But to be honest, I'd recommend talking this through with a friend, not your boyfriend.

He can't erase his life story and unless you're very intentional with your communication, he'll likely end up feeling like you're asking him to take responsibility for 'making' you feel that way.

By all means take on your insecurity around this part of your relationship, but he may not be the right person to help you do it.

Azadewow · 12/04/2020 23:04

No i am not judgemental, I am just saying it as I see it. He was honest with you when you asked him a question.
He has asked you what is wrong as u ve been off with him, and you haven't told him. Based on that alone, I can say he deserves to be treated better than that. And even though he may have not directly said it was nothing, but that was implied by what he did say. You are very immature and insecure based on what you have written here. If you were more romantically experienced you would not put nearly as much significance to this non issue as you are.

SignGrudgeBluebook · 13/04/2020 08:01

I've been thinking about this thread. I have someone I consider was the one that got away but in fact I dumped him due to his use of weed.
He was gorgeous, clever, witty and funny. I adored him but he could not break the weed habit and I hated it. Over the years it has taken away everything he had including his looks. All this was decades ago but I saw him recently and I still felt that pang of pain! Would I get together with him now? Absolutely no way. I love my DH but part of the feeling of this man being the one that got away was the fierce feeling I had then and still do a bit. I dumped him (although it nearly killed me) but would still describe him as TOTGA though which is bizarre.
What I'm trying to say is it might be that sort of situation. It's almost the feeling and not the person sort of thing.
I like to draw and sometimes I imagine him and draw him as he would have been if he had taken up fitness and healthy living in preference to the weed. Weed has really chewed him up and spat him out and kicked him to the kerb. I hate it for this experience alone.

deepwatersolo · 13/04/2020 11:03

He didn’t tell me, I asked him. We were talking about it with a housemate in the garden and I said to him “you haven’t had one have you?” And he said “course I have. Everyone has.”

Sounds like an upfront lad with a healthy grasp on reality. Not sure what the issue is. But maybe it is an age thing. In my twenties this might actually have offended me. Well, you live and learn.

Enchantmentz · 13/04/2020 11:25

You probably need to reason with yourself op, this has poked at your insecurity but it isn't anything your bf can fix. I have a one that got away but I do not pine for him or would get back with him if the opportunity arose. I have very fond memories and he is probably that because it never went further than an intense fun relationship that had an expiry date set from the beginning due to life circumstances. So it was never tested on a proper relationship level which I imagine would have demoted him to just regular/unsuitable bf as the honeymoon period passed. I wouldn't deny it to a dp either tbh as I would want to be true to myself and my past, or else I it would erase a fantastic year or two of my life.

It might sting knowing there may have been someone before you that a dp had strong feeling for but it is inevitable for most people.

SVRT19674 · 13/04/2020 15:43

Yes, i do have one and do think about him, but more in a reminiscing way. It didn´t work out due to misunderstanding. But life moves on, and you have to move on with it.

Robin233 · 13/04/2020 17:45

I have one.
And thank goodness he did get away.
We were wrong for each other on so many levels.

There Is always a reason.

It means nothing.

Relax and enjoy your relationship.

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