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Original poster

Had an affair

79 replies

User30471424 · 09/04/2020 21:43

I’ve had an affair. It’s ended. It wasn’t my choice to end it. I expect no sympathy, what I’ve done is horrendous but I am totally heartbroken. Never had such a connection with anyone in every way. We work together, whilst I can avoid him on the whole, NC is not an option.

I’ve been awful to live with for the 18 months it’s gone on for. I’ve found it hard to take joy in stuff at home. DH clearly realises something is amiss, has asked me a couple of times if I’ve had an affair, which I’ve denied.

I feel I owe it to DH to tell him. It’s massively affecting my mental health to the point where I am about to take Sertraline. I don’t want to tell him to satisfy my own guilt but I do feel I owe him an explanation. We have a relatively young family.

I don’t know what I’m asking. Do I say something? Or do I just suck it up and deal with my emotions? Lockdown makes it harder as does the other man, who doesn’t want me to as he’s afraid DH could then tell his wife, I can’t see how as no connections.

OP posts:
birdsbeefriesandeggs · 09/04/2020 21:45

Well obviously something is missing in your marriage if you had an affair. Do you want to stay in your marriage? Why did you start an affair?

RandomMess · 09/04/2020 21:46

Suck it up. Focus on making your marriage work.

If you don't get your marriage back on track end it for his sake.

AmelieTaylor · 09/04/2020 21:46

When & why did he end it?

How do you feel about your DH?

Thumbcat · 09/04/2020 21:49

It would probably help you to get some counselling as soon as you are able. You need to understand why you had the affair and whether you want to stay in your marriage.

MagnoliaJustice · 09/04/2020 21:51

If it wasn't got lockdown, would you still be seeing the other man? Is there any other reason why it's ended now?

If you know that, if not for the current situation, you would still be seeing this man, then you need to take steps to end your marriage. It sounds as if DH already knows and 18 months is a hell of a long time to deceive someone.

redastherose · 09/04/2020 21:57

Op do you intend to stay with your husband? If not then you could be honest and tell him so he knows why your marriage ended. However, you should really ask yourself why you had an affair in the first place. What reason had you for being so disloyal to your family. If that is because you and your husband aren't right for each other then leaving would be the best and most honest thing to do. Telling him to make yourself feel better is unfair and will only cause him pain.

category12 · 09/04/2020 22:01

Are you ready to face the end of your marriage? If you tell him, that might be it.

But then, he suspects already and the doubt is cruel.

It might be better to hold off until the lockdown ends and you can get away from each other.

Sha33le · 09/04/2020 22:05

Never had such a connection with anyone in every way ?

Not even your husband ?

If you are planning on staying with your husband and making it work I wouldn’t tell him, Do you feel the need to tell him to offload and you think it will relieve you of the guilt?

it would break his heart and may break up the family because he may not be able to live with that, get some help to overcome your guilt.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/04/2020 22:07

I’d want to know if I was him. He deserves to know he’s not been going crazy for a year and a half. But I’d end my marriage if my husband had an affair so you need to prepare for that.

mamato3lads · 09/04/2020 22:27

Don’t tell him unless you want a divorce...or at least a marriage that is forever changed

If you want your DH, focus on him, see if it can still work. Something was amiss or you wouldn’t have done this. What is it? Find out and go from there. Help your husband, tell him you’ve been out of sorts but imo don’t tell him it’s because of an affair, it will lead to so much hurt.

Awesome2020 · 09/04/2020 22:41

Decide what YOU want first, this is the most difficult part. You won't get any sympathy on here but it's easy to get into and very difficult to resolve, especially when you work together. You're not the first but the only way to deal with it is to first know what you want to happen. Good luck.

suggestionsplease1 · 09/04/2020 22:55

I never really understand the posts saying not to tell OH's about affairs, that this is just a way to relieve their own guilt but will hurt their partner.

I would absolutely want to know, and when I haven't been told in the past that has been far more hurtful than the actual affair itself. To my mind, it is making a fool of the OH and not allowing the honesty and communication that is needed in a relationship, to either try to rebuild, or fully understand why it couldn't work. It's as if the person who has the affair knows better, they get to control the information and then the other person. Everyone makes mistakes but to continue to deceive is just to continue the mistake and to infantilise your partner.

You maybe can't help who you fall for in life (although you can control acting on it.) But you can always try to show respect for your partner and treat them as an equal and understand that this is information they are entitled to in order to make truly informed decisions about the best way forward for them.

Jabbercocky · 09/04/2020 23:14

I just love the MN double standard.
Where are all the posts telling the OP what a dreadful person she is because affairs are never justified and that she should leave now and go and live in a squat, penniless whilst he gets his ducks in a row?

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 09/04/2020 23:20

Agreed ! Why is the OP not a sordid good-for-nothing like most people having affairs unless - god for bid - life isn't black and white like most MN seem to think.

You do what you have to do OP

Luckybe40 · 09/04/2020 23:22

You should tell your DH about your sordid affair and then take the shit as he sends you packing, make sure you watch him carefully when you tell him and then you’ll realise what real pain and heartbreak actually looks like BiscuitBiscuitBiscuit

Luckybe40 · 09/04/2020 23:24

And yes, he deserves to know what he’s dealing with with a lying cheating wife, and no, he doesn’t deserve you, hand deserves better. And I hope he tells your AP’s wife.

LadyColmans · 09/04/2020 23:30

Please don’t take sertraline just as a way to dampen your emotions so that you can stay in an unfulfilled relationship.

If you’re at the stage that you need medication, because you’re not happy in your relationship, and want to be with someone else, something is very wrong. You should not try and brush it under the carpet.

Sertraline can be a real life saver (it saved mine). But it has significant (possibly long term) effects in terms of dampening your emotions and your ability to form connections and engage with life. If you need to take it to stay with your husband, that’s not a good sign. You should not need to drug yourself to be able to endure your life.

DeeCeeCherry · 09/04/2020 23:30

You just want to offload onto your husband, the same as you are doing here. I hope your husband isn't too hurt when you tell him. What if he leaves you, are you prepared for that?

Never had such a connection with anyone in every way

Really? Not everything and everyone we want in life is good for us & I'm not minded that a person 'can't help' having an affair. You don't HAVE to have a man just because you want him. Self-control isn't easy but it's the best way. As you see now, what of your 'connection?' You've been dumped, your MM has gone back to his wife. & you seem to not have thought about this possible outcome and the consequences for you.

If MM hadn't left you, you'd have continued to play your husband for a fool. MM has chosen (for now until he replaces you), to no longer do same to his wife. By the way do you want to hurt her with your revelations too?

I've no idea how you'll get through this if you're moping around at home and your husband has noticed. Counselling maybe.

GoldenGapYear · 09/04/2020 23:33

Absolutely tell him. Whatever the fall out from that is up to your husband and more than deserved.

Luckybe40 · 09/04/2020 23:45

LadyColmans read the thread...she needs the AD’s to get through the days because she feels so bad about her affair( so she should) but doesn’t want to tell her DH. For fear of what would come, basically doesn’t want to face the music...not because it was an unbearable life...I would actually go out on a limb and say it it as probably a normal marriage until she allowed someone to turn her head. As usual.

Qwerty543 · 09/04/2020 23:46

Your marriage is over OP. An 18 month affair is not the actions of someone who is in a happy and fulfilling relationship.

Whether or not you tell your H about the affair is up to you but you should end the marriage. It's clearly affecting your MH.

A friend of mine ended up on antidepressants whilst very unhappy in her marriage. It's done her MH no good at all. I got to that point in mine many times. I finally ended it. It was just a relief when I did.

footprintsintheslow · 10/04/2020 00:04

I certainly wouldn't tell him during lockdown.

Start on the medication and reassess in three months.

Stillfunny · 10/04/2020 00:24

As someone who has been cheated on , I think you should absolutely tell him. Then , if he still wants you and you also want to stay in marriage, you need to go to counselling.
I told my DH that I might have forgiven his affair , if he had come clean and been honest with me. But the deceit on top of everything else means there isn't any way back.

Stonerosie67 · 10/04/2020 00:38

He deserves to know, he needs to have an STI test then he should kick your cheating arse out of the door. He and your children deserve better than being stuck with someone who was prepared to lie and deceive them for 18 months.
And quit with the connection bullshit, you're not some lovelorn teenager.

*How come I'm the first to mention an STI test for her husband. If this was a bloke posting, some if the usual pitchfork wavers would have hung, drawn and quartered him by now. MN double standards as per usual....

Gin4thewin · 10/04/2020 00:38

If he doesnt want his wife to find out then presumably he wont be leaving her for you?