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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Had an affair

79 replies

User30471424 · 09/04/2020 21:43

I’ve had an affair. It’s ended. It wasn’t my choice to end it. I expect no sympathy, what I’ve done is horrendous but I am totally heartbroken. Never had such a connection with anyone in every way. We work together, whilst I can avoid him on the whole, NC is not an option.

I’ve been awful to live with for the 18 months it’s gone on for. I’ve found it hard to take joy in stuff at home. DH clearly realises something is amiss, has asked me a couple of times if I’ve had an affair, which I’ve denied.

I feel I owe it to DH to tell him. It’s massively affecting my mental health to the point where I am about to take Sertraline. I don’t want to tell him to satisfy my own guilt but I do feel I owe him an explanation. We have a relatively young family.

I don’t know what I’m asking. Do I say something? Or do I just suck it up and deal with my emotions? Lockdown makes it harder as does the other man, who doesn’t want me to as he’s afraid DH could then tell his wife, I can’t see how as no connections.

OP posts:

OhCaptain · 10/04/2020 00:42

Tell him so he has the chance to find love and respect elsewhere.

wheetos · 10/04/2020 00:54

I would say something to him sooner rather than later. You might be surprised. Lots of relationships grow stronger after an affair! The longer its swept under the rug the worse you will feel long term. If he thinks your having an affair I would presume he is most definitely going to do some investigation. Its horrible if he thinks your having an affair and you dont tell him. I'm sure he feels confused and hurt.

It very well might take the weight off both of your shoulders. Then make the decision yourself whether you want to save the marriage or not.

You'll be ok lovely. Sending hugs. Please write to me privately if you just want someone to talk too. I promise I'll try and make you feel better.

wheetos · 10/04/2020 00:56

And please dont take medication just to dampen your emotions. Your honestly going to be ok. Even if it doesn't look like it right now. This will all pass and in the near future you'll be happy again.

Quarantina · 10/04/2020 01:05

I can't believe that some people have encouraged you to continue gaslighting your husband. He is clearly aware that something has gone on and by denying it, you are telling him that he is paranoid/insecure/going crazy. It is emotional abuse and really shitty behaviour. You absolutely need to tell him.

browzingss · 10/04/2020 01:07

You’re clearly unhappy in this marriage

It’s unfair on him to be your backup option

browzingss · 10/04/2020 01:07

Perhaps you need to split

Postspecific · 10/04/2020 01:10

Lots of advice here re: not medicating to repress emotions. My advice would be to explore the depression as a possible cause for this situation, particularly since you have young children.

Renewal · 10/04/2020 01:22

Sometimes it’s not what’s missing in your marriage but rather what you are missing within yourself.

SandyY2K · 10/04/2020 01:31

Sometimes it’s not what’s missing in your marriage but rather what you are missing within yourself.

Correct.

Confessing is worth doing if you're remorseful. I just see a woman who is missing her affair partner and is grieving the loss of it.

Thinking about the loss leaves time on your hands to feel some guilt.

An 18 month affair isn't an accident ...it's a conscious decision.

1forAll74 · 10/04/2020 01:58

Why on earth do you need any medication because you have had an affair. Some people seem to be so fragile these days. and can't cope with lots of things. You had an affair,and now you have guilt to deal with.

Affairs usually come to an end,one way or another, and if you are real, you might well know this, so you have to learn to deal with all potential fallout. Mindset,and not pills.

FabbyChix · 10/04/2020 02:13

How do you essentially live two lives and manage to carry on with your husband whilst knowing your taking the piss every single day. Your husband deserves to choose whether he wants
To be with someone who isn’t faithful who lives a lie. Do you realise how many lies you have to tell to carry out an affair. Personally if I didn’t care about my partner enough to even contemplate it I’d tell him so he could not be lied to. It’s the lies for me. The fact that you can go sleep with someone else then come home and look your husband or partner in the eye and be normal. You don’t cheat simple because decent human beings don’t treat others like that.

FabbyChix · 10/04/2020 02:17

There isn’t an excuse. Lack of sex is the worse excuse because no marriage should need sex for it to work that’s a pretty fuked up reason to base a marriage or any relationship on. I’d a marriage can’t survive without sex it’s got no foundation. We aren’t animals that should essentially get an itch and want it scratched that’s a need that anyone to fill. Personally I’d rather sex be the least important.

SandyY2K · 10/04/2020 02:24

How do you essentially live two lives and manage to carry on with your husband whilst knowing your taking the piss every single day.

Those who want to find a way manage it quite well...for years and years. Some take it to their graves.

The longer the affair continues, the more confident cheaters usually become. Incidentally, that confidence usually gets them caught out....along with the snappy behaviour.

AgentJohnson · 10/04/2020 02:34

Me,me, me! Funny how your H didn’t warrant an explanation when you were having fun, now you’re sad you want to offload on him to what? Support you in your grief?

I get that it must be hard having excuses you made ‘Never had such a connection with anyone in every way‘ to justify cheating, being exposed, must be galling.

How about thinking about you H for a second, I think your H does need to know of your deceit but not when he’s trapped in lockdown with you.

hesgotit · 10/04/2020 03:56

Poor DH, you say you've been awful to live with for 18 months? You say you wouldn't have ended the affair?

If you were a man you'd of got a lot of backlash on this thread, including being told to get a new job so there's no further contact.

Tell your husband and let him decide if he wants you anymore.

Obviously you'll have to tell him so he can get an STI check, assuming you still had a sexual relationship. .

Cheeseandwin5 · 10/04/2020 04:03

Agree with a few of the comments that highlight the ridiculous sexist double standards and hypocrisy that some of the of the Mumsnet contributors have.
The OP has no regards for anyone else, not her kids and certainly not her DH. Despite cheating and lying to him and her DC, despite obviously happily willing to carry on lying and cheating on them, if her AP hadn't stopped it, now we are all supposed to feel sorry for her. Oh no, you are feeling sad cause you cant keep destroying the mental health of all those around you, how will you cope? Maybe instead of continuing to think solely of yourself, you think about your family. Your DH knows something is not right, he will have been driven mad by you and you have made him think the paranoia is in his head. How would you feel if you were in his shoes? How is his pain still an afterthought to you?
Yes you need to tell him so he knows it wasn't him but you. You also need to end the relationship as you don't love him or even care about him at all, happy it seems for him to be in pain as long as you are ok.
How disgraceful for some to say the fault lies with your marriage or DH for your affair. This disgusting.
I doubt what most fair ppl say will make a difference though, your family's happiness mean nothing to you and I am confident you will do everything and blame anyone that makes you feel better.
Dont worry though there will still be the haters on here who will support you and blame your DH!

Rebelwithallthecause · 10/04/2020 05:07

Personally, the only way is to tell him and make plans to separate

You’re not happy, he won’t be happy. The affair was a clear sign of this

footprintsintheslow · 10/04/2020 06:46

During this lockdown is not the time to tell him.

Think about it everyone , op said they have young children. Confessing now will undoubtedly lead to shouting, tears, silences and who know what else.

The lockdown means everything is closed. There will be nowhere to go to get away from the situation that unfolds. No where to take the children for any respite. No friends or family on hand. No soft play. No coffee shops. No parks. No face to face counselling.

This is not the time to confess. It would be awful for him to find out now and awful for you op and the children.

ItsMsActually · 10/04/2020 06:54

If you want to stay with your husband and the affair was the symptom of something else (depression, life stress, some degree of self harm, problems in your marraige), then you need to address that issue and try to work through it.
Your DH probably does deserve some explanation so he knows he's not been imagining things, it might be appropriate to sit him down and say, I know I've been somewhat absent from the marraige for X months. I've been dealing with some strange things but I am back on track and want to give it 100% and show you how much I love you. Spare him the details but let him know you want to make it work...
BUT, if you still want the OM, then that is a whole other kettle of fish. If that is the case and you'd still rather be having the affair or with OM then I'd end the marraige imminently.

mumofboystimesthree · 10/04/2020 08:52

Get some therapy like CBT. Talk to someone who is neutral and won't judge you (MN is probably not the best place for non-judgemental advice). Work on yourself and when you have some perspective on things everything will look different.
Don't make long term decisions on temporary feelings OP. Anti-depressants will dull any emotions you have but they won't solve your problems. Taking therapies are the most effective when you are feeling depressed.

Original poster

User30471424 · 10/04/2020 08:54

Thank you all for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it.

OP posts:

QuentinWinters · 10/04/2020 09:09

You might want to watch this. It's non judgemental about affairs and might help you make some sense of the situation you are in (hope the link works)

www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved%3Flanguage%3Den&ved=2ahUKEwjDyKW_s93oAhWK3eAKHbH5CBcQwqsBMAF6BAgFEAc&usg=AOvVaw2lNxAkaV34JvyLtIRPzFnp

QuentinWinters · 10/04/2020 09:10

Sorry. I'm crap at links

Stonerosie67 · 10/04/2020 10:48

You'll be ok lovely. Sending hugs. Please write to me privately if you just want someone to talk too. I promise I'll try and make you feel better.

And just how are you going to do that? Make the inconvenient husband and the married man's wife go away?? Pat the op on the shoulder and tell her that it's ok that she deceived her husband and kids for 18 months, that it's fine she's been awful to live with all that time, that her husband deserved it because after all, he's a man so he must be lacking in some way for her to go and shag somebody else?
Ffs, I've read some crap on here but that is up there with it, would you be saying the same to a man if he'd written the op?
Just hideous!

dontdisturbmenow · 10/04/2020 10:53

Why does he deserves to know now rather than when it was going on and you were having a good time?

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