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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Had an affair

79 replies

User30471424 · 09/04/2020 21:43

I’ve had an affair. It’s ended. It wasn’t my choice to end it. I expect no sympathy, what I’ve done is horrendous but I am totally heartbroken. Never had such a connection with anyone in every way. We work together, whilst I can avoid him on the whole, NC is not an option.

I’ve been awful to live with for the 18 months it’s gone on for. I’ve found it hard to take joy in stuff at home. DH clearly realises something is amiss, has asked me a couple of times if I’ve had an affair, which I’ve denied.

I feel I owe it to DH to tell him. It’s massively affecting my mental health to the point where I am about to take Sertraline. I don’t want to tell him to satisfy my own guilt but I do feel I owe him an explanation. We have a relatively young family.

I don’t know what I’m asking. Do I say something? Or do I just suck it up and deal with my emotions? Lockdown makes it harder as does the other man, who doesn’t want me to as he’s afraid DH could then tell his wife, I can’t see how as no connections.

OP posts:

Jabbercocky · 10/04/2020 11:45

Your options are:

1- Say nothing now or after lockdown
2- Say nothing now, tell him after lockdown
3-Tell him now.

None of these are kind. Some suit you more than him. You might tell yourself you’re choosing the kindest option for him but that will probably be a cover for you not having to deal with the nuclear fallout in the pressure cooker of a lockdown.

If you want to save your marriage you will have to quit your job now and start looking for another one. Don’t use the economy as an excuse for not doing so. Counselling is expensive and that’s a bill that should fly your way. In the meantime, all your free time - ALL - needs to be be spent on deep research on why you did this and how you fix this, and I don’t mean the usual MN nonsense - you don’t need strangers telling you you’re wonderful and he didn’t do enough hoovering. Own your own bullish!t. If there’s issues in your marriage, fine. But don’t invent them or blow them out of proportion to fit a fake narrative that casts you as a victim rather than a villain. That is just further emotional abuse on top of the abuse you’re already guilty of.

The best therapist is your own good conscience.

OhCaptain · 10/04/2020 12:38

You'll be ok lovely. Sending hugs. Please write to me privately if you just want someone to talk too. I promise I'll try and make you feel better.

That is seriously creepy!

hesgotit · 10/04/2020 13:37

You'll be ok lovely. Sending hugs. Please write to me privately if you just want someone to talk too. I promise I'll try and make you feel better.

I think the OP feels sorry enough for herself now her affair partner has gone back to his poor wife! Don't think she needs you to tell her that she needs to feel sorrier for herself.

The double standards on here are shocking!!

VeganVeal · 10/04/2020 15:21

You need to tell him, he deserves to know the truth and the kind of person he has married. I agree he need to get an STI check up asap

Ohnoherewego62 · 10/04/2020 15:32

Why doesnt he want his wife to know? He clearly didn't care enough for her at the time.

Why are you feeling so guilty? The grass wasn't greener in your or other mans case?

I can understand why people cheat but I have no sympathy for you in this instance. I'd also watch that the other man doesnt start to become nasty with you so please be careful. His only concern seems to be for himself at present.

crispysausagerolls · 10/04/2020 16:40

You have to tell your DH, I think. Sounds like he knows deep down anyway.

thebridgelooksbroken · 10/04/2020 17:20

Honestly, your poor DH. You sound horrible and self absorbed and I don't for a minute believe you have any remorse. If he hadn't ended it, you'd still be pining over him and ready to jump his bones as soon as lockdown ends.

Honestly, shagging a co-worker. So predictable.

Craftycorvid · 10/04/2020 17:36

Ok, let’s set aside the context of the relationship and think about the relationship(s). Grieving a loss is precisely that and can be more painful if you feel you are not ‘allowed’ your grief; keeping secrets hurts the keeper too. Do you know what set the scene for this relationship, OP? It sounds like it’s opened up part of you that you didn’t know much about/wasn’t accessed in your marriage - that could be about the marriage, your partner or where you are in your life right now. It sounds like you are also grieving the loss of a profound connection with someone and once we’ve known what that feels like it’s impossible to switch off from that knowledge. So, can you think back to how things were between you and your husband before the affair? Anything that stands out? Anything that had changed or been lost in your relationship? Had either of you been through a big loss or change such as a job or bereavement? If you can access some therapy for yourself and privacy for it (therapists might well offer you phone or Skype sessions for now) it might help you talk about what happened in a safe, non-judgemental space, and help yo consider a way forward.

thatsoundsfun · 10/04/2020 23:08

Clearly you weren’t good enough for your bit on the side to leave his wife for so what is this connection you speak of? I imagine he has a replacement in mind for when lock down ends.

You should tell your husband - he knows already but cant bring himself to admit it.
He can then arrange for an sti check.
Then leave - him and your children deserve to be a part of a happy family

Howfar12 · 11/04/2020 01:11

You need to tell him ASAP. It’s shocking that you’ve done this to him for so long without telling him smh

xarmoniosox · 11/04/2020 02:41

Tell him, he deserves to know what kind of woman it is he married. Let the cards be in his hands, you've had enough control over the past 18 months.

Hopoindown31 · 11/04/2020 07:50

Your DH strongly suspects and has accused you. Time to come clean. At the moment you are just another lying cheater who is full of their own bullshit.

SimonJT · 11/04/2020 08:01

You need to tell your husband as soon as possible, he needs to know who he is married to, but he also needs to know so he can get himself to the clinic asap.

You then need to make arrangements to leave the family home, I understand this will be delayed until the current situation, but you could always move into the spare room if you have one, or sleep on the sofa.

You can’t undo an awful thing you chose to do, but you can redeem yourself somewhat by how you handle this going forward.

To be honest really you should change jobs when you can, you’ve shown your work force that you can’t be trusted or act in a professional manner, I don’t see any promotions coming your way now, so a clean slate somewhere new would be better.

Shitsgettingcrazy · 11/04/2020 08:28

Can't believe what I am reading.

Op, you had an affair. Affairs arent painful forbthe cheated on spouse just because of the sex. From before the affair started you have been hiding things, lying to your husband and prioritising the OM. You have been abusive (a nightmare to live with/gaslighting when he asked if you were having an affair etc) to your husband. All to priortise the OM.

Of course the husband needs to know. He has the right to decide if he wants to continue the marriage. He has the right to know who he is married to.

People fuck up. I dont believe having g an affair means you must be a completely bad person. However, it's not a mistake. It's not one act of betrayal. If the OM had left his wife, you would have left your husband?

You cant just take some anti depressants, or claim previous depression and move on from this.

You need to think about why you, now, think he needs to know. Why you didnt think it was his business before? I suspect it's for the drama. The excitement of the affair has ended. You crave more drama and excitement. So going to create it at home.

I think he definitely needs to know. If the OMs wife ever finds out and contacts your husband, it will be so much worse. But I suspect your motives are not from realising you were wrong.

You will get over this. You are an adult and there are consquences to our actions. But you can and will move past it. It will take time, but it will happen.

Dery · 13/04/2020 12:56

The suggestion that the OM gets to have a say on whether or not you tell your DH makes it even worse. Of course he doesn’t want you to - he doesn’t want to suffer any consequences for his appalling behaviour. He wants to get away with it.

Please have enough respect for your husband to treat the OM’s views on this as irrelevant. The ONLY people who count in this are your DH and your DC. Not you and certainly not the OM. I agree with PP who say you need to tell your DH so that he understands that the sh1tty way you have treated him over the past 18 months is entirely down to you and can decide whether or not you have a future. Sounds unlikely from what you say because the deception and related mistreatment went on for so long and you didn’t choose to end it yourself. But you must have been willing to sacrifice your relationship with your DH otherwise you wouldn’t have had the affair. It will also have hurt your DC since you say yourself that you’ve been awful to live with.

Whether or not it’s logistically feasible to tell him during lockdown, I don’t know since it’s harder to find somewhere else to go if he kicks you out. But you should tell him as soon as you can.

Dery · 13/04/2020 12:57

Also this: “ You will get over this. You are an adult and there are consquences to our actions. But you can and will move past it. It will take time, but it will happen.”

WaterOffADucksCrack · 13/04/2020 13:28

Tell your husband once lockdown has ended unless he asks. How could you outright lie when he asked you before? It's psychopathic! Then he can make an informed decision. You deserve to be out on your arse though for treating him and the children like dirt.

And stop the self pity. It's terribly unattractive.

Confused866 · 13/04/2020 14:27

You’ve been given a hard time here OP but people love to judge with stuff like this. I wouldn’t make any rash decisions right now, telling him now would only blow things up and cause an awful atmosphere for your children. Seek counselling as soon as you can and talk it all through with someone impartial before you make any big decisions. Good luck x

thebridgelooksbroken · 13/04/2020 14:58

@Confused866

I think she deserves to be judged here really. It's not like it was a small error of judgment, 18 months! Her poor DH has even asked if she has had an affair!

Seadad · 13/04/2020 15:51

OP - you say “DH clearly realises something is amiss, has asked me a couple of times if I’ve had an affair, which I’ve denied.“
But you have no idea of the pain your deceit, lies and gaslighting will have caused.
I don’t know whether what you’ve done is unforgivable-it is for your DH to decide. But you have ended your marriage-because you cannot be the best friend someone has - the person they trust most in the world and yet be the person that has stolen from them, abused their trust and been selfish in the extreme.
So YES - you should tell him because there is no way of having a marriage worth keeping without trust and honesty.
For what it’s worth - you’re just pining after your AP - and as DH is usually the person you would turn to - you’re suffering because you don’t want to face the shame and consequences-it’s hardly unusual for cheaters to experience this.

Confused866 · 13/04/2020 16:26

@thebridgelooksbroken why though? She hasn’t hurt you personally, she’s come here looking for help not judgement. People are so quick just to tell others that they are awful people when they’re already in pain. Question why you feel the need to do it - does it make you feel smug and pleased with yourself? It’s not helpful.

Howfar12 · 13/04/2020 16:42

If this was a guy,99% of you would have given him the opposite advice

Ginger1982 · 13/04/2020 16:43

"People are so quick just to tell others that they are awful people when they’re already in pain. "

She's only in pain because her bit on the side dumped her not because she feels any remorse for what she's done. If lockdown hadn't happened or he hadn't ended it she would probably still be at it without a thought for anyone else.

thebridgelooksbroken · 13/04/2020 18:25

@Confused866
No, she hasn't hurt me personally, but she is pissed off because her lover ended the affair with no thought or care for her own DH and family. I sense no real remorse, just self pity. I'm sure she is feeling really shit, but I see no real point in just massaging her ego and telling her it's all going to be ok.

She's behaved deplorably and ought to come clean. Her marriage is over. Her DH now needs to decide if what has happened is a deal breaker. I don't believe the OP has the right to choose the path forward for him anymore.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 15/04/2020 23:22

People are so quick just to tell others that they are awful people when they’re already in pain umm she's only "in pain" because of her own actions. And she's too much of a coward to tell her husband. She would rather keep gaslighting him which is pure evil imo.

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