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Original poster

How to explain why attending social events is important to me?

82 replies

Rezie · 09/04/2020 17:43

I need help with finding the words to express how I feel. This was prompted by my cousin asking our address to send a wedding invite.

We’ve always had a bit of an issue with my bf coming so social events with me. He doesn’t like meeting new people and he kind of believes that if he doesn’t feel like it, he doesn’t have to attend. He has no extended family and his friends never host anything so therefore there are none on his side. Whereas in my side of the famil/social circle we have an expectation for couples to show up to certain social gatherings together (assuming they are available).

Thus far he has refused/cancelled on small things that I didn’t expect him to show up. For big events he has had a proper excuse not to attend (though, I do think he could have made a bt more effort). But as I was planning my own birthdayparty earlier this year I actually got worried that he wouldn’t be there or would cancel last minute. That is when I realized that these small things has really affected me and now whenever anyone is planning anything that we should attend together I get a bit nervous.

I know I need to talk to him when the next invite comes, but I don’t really know how to verbalize why this is something that is important to me. I’d like these rare “mandatory” social events to be “obviously we will be there” type things and then go to others on my own if he is not into it. Why I need him to come, dress appropriately and make an effort while there? I am capable of going to a things alone, but I feel like it is one of those things you just do as a couple but I cannot explain why.

Yeah, CV19 might mean there is no wedding to attend, but it’s good to be prepared.

OP posts:

category12 · 09/04/2020 18:02

"It's important to me that you accompany me to special occasions - I want a conventional relationship in that respect. It's one of the social expectations of couples and it's one that means a lot to me."

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 09/04/2020 18:08

Social events issue aside- are you sure you’re compatible with him? You have a lifetime of battling this and begging him to attend things ahead of you (because he really doesn’t want to go to them- even if he agrees- it will be something he suffers through rather than enjoys) is that what you want? Spending your social events dragging a sulky sourpuss behind you and feeling embarrassed at how immature he’s being?

CrowleysAngel · 09/04/2020 18:15

I'm with your DP on this. I'd hate to be emotionally blackmailed into being sociable when I'm very much not.

category12 · 09/04/2020 18:18

I'm not sociable either, but I've always accepted that you go to family stuff cos it's nice for your partner, and it's nice for the relatives/friends. It's not all about one's own comfort in life.

BacklashStarts · 09/04/2020 18:23

People like your dh make me roll my eyes. Doing things which wouldn’t be our absolute first choice because it makes someone else happy and is really very little skin off our own nose is surely just being mature.

TheSandman · 09/04/2020 18:32

Turn it around. Why would you want to force your partner into situations you know would make them unhappy?

Being expected to make friendly meaningless small talk with a bunch of people you have nothing much in common with and will probably never meet again sounds like my idea of hell. I would be miserable and resent being coerced into going.

Gutterton · 09/04/2020 18:33

Agree with most PPs in here.

Consider your compatibility and his values and ability to compromise in a RS to meet half way.

If you have kids with this guy will he deprive them of birthday parties, people coming to the house, him not attending their celebrations and wider family stuff.

He sounds miserable.

Do you host at home or does he prevent that?

I agree that not everyone wants to go to the opening of an envelope - but he could meet you half way and agree to Xmas, weddings, funerals, birthdays - maybe 6 events a year - and also to behave himself there.

Sounds v selfish.

morecoffeerequired · 09/04/2020 18:33

No doubt he is equally trying to figure out how to explain to you why attending social events are so difficult for him.

You are clearly an extrovert. He is clearly an introvert for whom social events are a nightmare to be endured - or avoided altogether.

You both need to accommodate each other's feelings on this matter.

Tonyaster · 09/04/2020 18:35

He sounds weird. Normal grown ups go to weddings with their partners. Hell, some even enjoy themselves.

Dilisk · 09/04/2020 18:35

Social events issue aside- are you sure you’re compatible with him? You have a lifetime of battling this and begging him to attend things ahead of you

This.

category12 · 09/04/2020 18:38

It's a two-way street, tho, isn't it? I spend time with his family when I'd really rather not be arsed and find it difficult as the anti-social one, he spends time with my family when he would probably also not choose to spend time with them - but because you're a couple you make the effort for each other. And if you have children together, it enables good relationships with the grandparents and extended family, which benefits the children. We're not talking about making people socialise for no reason, it's to build relationships.

Potterspotter · 09/04/2020 18:38

Op is clearly an extrovert for wanting to go to a few key social occasions? Hmmm. Relationships do involve doing things for each other because it matters for the other person.

What do you do for him that you wouldn’t otherwise do? You could discuss that, and that you require this in return.

Tonyaster · 09/04/2020 18:38

If I went to a wedding and my friend was there, and I said "Where's Josh?" and she said "Oh he hates social occasions so wouldn't come", I'd be very much hoping she'd leave him.

Potterspotter · 09/04/2020 18:39

I’m a massive introvert and happiest and need time alone but even I get why you have to do certain key social things even if they are sometimes an ordeal.

KellyHall · 09/04/2020 18:40

My first husband never wanted to do anything or go anywhere. When we got divorced I spent a year going to all of the places and doing all of the things he hadn't wanted to do.

DH no. 2 will do anything and go anywhere! He rarely suggests things and almost never actually organises anything but will always come along, even if it's a work do he doesn't want to go to. Because we're a team.

SandyY2K · 09/04/2020 18:43

I wouldn't be with a man who couldn't or wouldn't attend social events with me. I don't see why I need to explain it and if I have to tell a grown man how to dress and behave appropriately, then we're clearly not compatible.

You can't change who he is...find a more compatible man or tell people he doesn't like socializing.

There would have to be a million other great things about him for me to stay with him.

Tonyaster · 09/04/2020 18:47

But as I was planning my own birthdayparty earlier this year I actually got worried that he wouldn’t be there or would cancel last minute. That is when I realized that these small things has really affected me and now whenever anyone is planning anything that we should attend together I get a bit nervous
It's quite controlling behaviour to leave you to worry like this. I went out with someone like this once and didn't realise quite how odd and controlling it was until we split up.

DefiniteArticle · 09/04/2020 18:50

Even if you come to terms with his behaviour, the majority of your family and friends will judge him and your relationship negatively. I think that would be very hard on you, and would take it's toll on the relationship in the medium to long term.

maddy68 · 09/04/2020 18:53

My husband hates socialising bit he knows it's important to me. So he does it. But I also compromise and sometimes I'll go with a friend depending on the occasion

peachgreen · 09/04/2020 18:55

I had a boyfriend like this. He didn't change in 10 years. It was fucking miserable. Being single was better.

Dontjumptoconclusions · 09/04/2020 18:55

When he says he doesn't like to meet new people, why? Does he suffer from anxiety, does he hate small talk, is it people that he wouldn't get along with otherwise? I think it's key to find out actually why he doesn't want to go. Then you can understand if it is a genuine "suffering for the whole night feeling uncomfortable" or because he cba. Then you can deal with it.

Ragwort · 09/04/2020 18:56

I think you need to think about how compatible you really are, if you have to spell it out that there are certain social obligations that it is the ‘norm’ to accept but your DP doesn’t want to ... do you really want to spend your life with someone like that?

I go to things I don’t really want to, as does my DH, we also attend social occasions separately ... but we accept that there are certain ‘obligations’ in a relationship.

We are currently trying to help a friend, due to his health he is put on the list to self isolate for 12 weeks. He has always prided himself on not knowing anyone, not making friends or talking to neighbours. He is 100 miles away ... I can’t help thinking that if he had just been a little more sociable and friendly he wouldn’t currently be left without any support at at all. (He refuses to use social media so can’t engage with any local groups offering help ).

Original poster

Rezie · 09/04/2020 18:57

It is not an introvert/extroert thing. It's family culture difference. Since he has no extended family there are no aunts birthdays, no nephews chrsitening, he has never been to a wedding. He sometimes asks weird questions and I respond with “well, we do that. He’s my brother” cause he has never really been around a sibling dynamic.

The purpose of this talk is to find out if we are compatible in this regard. I have no desire to force him into anything and he can say that he only will come with me to things that he wants to. Then I can make my own conclusions.

The thoughts I had on my birthday really caught me off guard. When I asked him about having a party he said “of course I’ll be there” so he wasn’t reluctantly in attendance. He came early to the venue to set up and we stayed over so could clean the next day (as I would expect bf to act). He also has shown up to some “non mandatory” ones with glee. It’s just that these small rejections have made me nervous and I hadn’t even realized until my party. So it’s not like he refuses to come to anything or sulks in the corner, it’s not just “obviously we will be there” . The purpose of the talk is to find out his boundaries but I’m having trouble to find the language since he doesn’t really get the societal expectations and I cannot really express why it means a lot to me. I do like @ category12 suggestion with it's simplicity.

OP posts:

fartyface · 09/04/2020 18:57

In what respect does this mean you are an extrovert? She is a poster who accepts invitations and attends social events.

I had a partner like this one. He was a miserable bastard basically.

I don't think you are compatible.

ARoseInHarlem · 09/04/2020 19:00

I too would be asking myself how important this is to me. I’m with your DP. It would pain me to see you want something I hate so much. I wouldn’t want to hold you back, but I’d be deeply resentful if I were made to do it.

If it were once or twice a year, I’d do it. If it were once a month, or every few weeks just going to the pub to meet up with your friends etc - I would probably talk to you about how badly I didn’t want to do it, and ask you why you’re more worried about what people think of you for having a DP like me than for me and how I feel.

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