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Original poster

How to explain why attending social events is important to me?

82 replies

Rezie · 09/04/2020 17:43

I need help with finding the words to express how I feel. This was prompted by my cousin asking our address to send a wedding invite.

We’ve always had a bit of an issue with my bf coming so social events with me. He doesn’t like meeting new people and he kind of believes that if he doesn’t feel like it, he doesn’t have to attend. He has no extended family and his friends never host anything so therefore there are none on his side. Whereas in my side of the famil/social circle we have an expectation for couples to show up to certain social gatherings together (assuming they are available).

Thus far he has refused/cancelled on small things that I didn’t expect him to show up. For big events he has had a proper excuse not to attend (though, I do think he could have made a bt more effort). But as I was planning my own birthdayparty earlier this year I actually got worried that he wouldn’t be there or would cancel last minute. That is when I realized that these small things has really affected me and now whenever anyone is planning anything that we should attend together I get a bit nervous.

I know I need to talk to him when the next invite comes, but I don’t really know how to verbalize why this is something that is important to me. I’d like these rare “mandatory” social events to be “obviously we will be there” type things and then go to others on my own if he is not into it. Why I need him to come, dress appropriately and make an effort while there? I am capable of going to a things alone, but I feel like it is one of those things you just do as a couple but I cannot explain why.

Yeah, CV19 might mean there is no wedding to attend, but it’s good to be prepared.

OP posts:

Tonyaster · 10/04/2020 17:25

Are you autistic sandman?

TheSandman · 10/04/2020 17:35

Are you autistic sandman?

Do I have a diagnosis? No. Do family members? Yes. Is there a genetic link to autism? Almost certainly. Is my DVD collection in alphanumerical order and are the discs all aligned the right way up in the cases? Yes.

And that's as far as I've taken it.

As the discussions about autism have become commonplace and open over the last couple of decades I have found myself mentally ticking boxes off lists. Let's just say I have autistic traits - but then so do most people.

TheSandman · 10/04/2020 17:39

You are not a good match, it will never work

My wife is the exact opposite of me. Friendly, gregarious, outgoing. We've been together 25+ years. Opposites attract.

JKScot4 · 10/04/2020 17:45

Has he been living in a cave?
You’re having to explain to him why you would attend. a brother birthday/event etc
My DS19 has Aspergers doesn’t like socialising but for special occasions ie his sisters birthday he will make the effort, as he knows it’s the nice thing to do.
Your bf sounds rude, does he try and encourage you not to go?

Ragwort · 10/04/2020 18:56

The Sandman surely not all social events are crowded, chaotic and full of people getting drunk ? . I wouldn’t attend events like that either ... do you genuinely dislike all social events, or are the ones your wife likes to attend full of drunks....?

TheSandman · 10/04/2020 19:44

do you genuinely dislike all social events,

I genuinely dislike most social events.

Concerts and performances I can understand. There is a point to them. The shared experience of seeing a film or play I get - and enjoy. Coming together to do a task. I get that - though I do try and avoid the endless waffling about trying to get organised stage - tell me when you know what you want done and I'm a team player.

But standing around talking about nothing in particular for hours on end with strangers and semi-strangers for no purpose other than standing around and talking...? It's just horrible and a total waste of time.

Tonyaster · 10/04/2020 20:04

But you don't mind talking to strangers on here!

category12 · 10/04/2020 21:01

Don't you see the purpose in building social relationships and networking, or in being supportive to your partner/family by attending these things? Isn't that meaningful and worthwhile?

TheSandman · 10/04/2020 22:15

Don't you see the purpose in building social relationships and networking, or in being supportive to your partner/family by attending these things? Isn't that meaningful and worthwhile?

Yes, but they're better at social networking than I am and think it's more important. I do other things better than they do. My wife is a terrible cook. Doesn't like doing it and, by her own admission, makes pretty indigestible stuff when she does. I don't expect her to do something she has no desire to do. It would be wrong of me to force her to cook when she doesn't want to. I like cooking. It gives me great pleasure. So I do 90+% of the cooking in this house. She does 90+% of the socialising. Seems like a good trade off.

But you don't mind talking to strangers on here!

This isn't talking.

Tonyaster · 10/04/2020 23:17

Your wife could cook perfectly well if you stopped criticising her!

Playmistyforme66 · 10/04/2020 23:43

I hate social events especially large formal ones like weddings. I don't enjoy them at all and feel miserable at them. You should just accept that its not his thing and go without him. He should be om with that. If its really important that you have a partner who does enjoy these things then perhaps he's not the guy for you.

Having said all that I do sometimes attend these things for the sake of my husband, but I hate it.

Lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 11/04/2020 00:06

He sounds so much like my ex DP. He was (and is) a lovely, thoughtful and kind person and we had a really good relationship.. as long as it was only me and him. I felt so guilty asking him to any social occasion as , whilst he could make small talk with anyone, I realised in the end it was just an act (as in he had learnt the social convention of it all but it still wasn't the real him, or what he wanted to be doing).

I realised that whilst we were brilliant in a bubble/ cocoon together - that wasn't real life. In the end he was diagnosed with Aspergers aged 46 and it was a relief for him and me (in terms Of understanding him better) even though we are no longer together.

I do agree with others about you long term compatibility together. I know you don't want to think about if but it's worth reflecting on. Good luck!

lemontreebird · 11/04/2020 00:18

@TheSandman - your description of what goes through your mind was very similar to what I think.

Social things - why?

Playmistyforme66 · 11/04/2020 00:42

"I realised that whilst we were brilliant in a bubble/ cocoon together - that wasn't real life"

See I don't understand what thats not real life. To me what happens when I'm home alone with my husband is my real life. Everything else is just something to be endured.

I'm not autistic but I am introverted.

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 11/04/2020 00:54

You are incompatible and need to move on.

Original poster

Rezie · 11/04/2020 08:44

He hasn't actually declined to go with me yet. He also hasn't declined going to big events yet. Previously for those there has been an excuse not to attend.
The ones he has declined has been 'non-important' events that didn't bother me at the time. I guess, because attending big ones has not been possible I havd put on more emphasis on the non-important ones. Therefore I'm worried that he will decline coming to the big ones. And this was something I just realized. That's why we need to have a talk when the next big one is coming. It might be that Im worried about nothing or that we are not compatible. I'm not in denial about that, I just think my relationship after all this time deserves a conversation instead of just moving on. The purpose of this thread was to kind of gather my thoughts and get support for the conversation part.

If I'm the mistress or he doesn't want to be seen with me then he is doing pretty good at hiding it. So I'm not gonna go there. He happily comes to see my parents and siblings without asking. When parents visit he is the one thinking about what sights to show them. He is not stopping me from doing whatever I want. I understand it sounds weird that a grown man wouldn't understand this, but knowing him and his dad I really feel like it's a thing. He is always so genuily confused about what I consider normal family things.

OP posts:

Dilisk · 11/04/2020 08:50

Going to chaotic crowded places full of people who are only there to be there and to be seen to be there is pointless and stressful. Especially when the people there get drunk, boisterous, and noisy which a lot of them will do because they don't want to be there either and are giving themselves a hand by drinking. Given a choice between watching a bunch of people I have never met before will never meet again (and almost certainly will never give a fuck about) getting drunk and doing it VERY LOUDLY right into each other's faces

You must know a lot of very odd people if this is your idea of social life, @TheSandman. Or could it be a complete straw man to bolster your idea of yourself as Not a Herd Animal?

Frankly, half the time this new 'embrace of the introvert' stuff is a cover for extreme passivity and laziness. I mean, just call yourself a couch potato who can't be bothered to maintain social ties because they're for the sheeple.

category12 · 11/04/2020 08:58

It's not about forcing partners to do things, Sandman, it's about occasionally making the effort to do something out of one's comfort zone, to please or support a partner. It's just a bit crap always having to attend events without your partner, to always have to explain their absence, to not have their back-up. Maybe you and your wife have got to the stage she'd rather you didn't come. Let's hope so.

Tonyaster · 11/04/2020 09:13

I'm afraid I tend to agree with this.

Scott72 · 11/04/2020 09:17

"he kind of believes that if he doesn’t feel like it, he doesn’t have to attend"

I'd say he's right here. He could attend as a favor to you, but he doesn't "have" to attend. Obviously, the two of you are incompatible and as others have suggested, you should probably break up.

FeelingGood99 · 11/04/2020 10:26

Op, I don't think you have a major problem here. You both sound rearonable people with different backgrounds from a socialising perspective.

Perhaps you could start a social calendar and share it wth him? Detail events for the next few months and get a provisional yes or no for each one. I guess he may not currenlty plan ahead too much but it might get him into a pattern of beaviour where he starts thinking about it and become more considerate in respect of these things.

TheSandman · 11/04/2020 11:30

To me standing about endlessly socialising is being the sheep. Standing in an unproductive group bleating: "You still there?", " Yes", "So am I." "Me too!" "Good." "Where Daphne?" She's over there" Oh that's nice. "She was over there and then she moved" "Really?" ...blah blah blah...

Meanwhile, the people who you describe as "passive and lazy' are getting on with writing books, making things, painting, cataloguing stuff, doing whatever THEY think is important. I cannot think of a single great piece of art created at a cocktail party.

I'm not saying that all people who socialize aren't creative - and some people who don't aren't lazy arses. But FFS why do so many hyper-social types feel threatened by those of us who think it's a waste of time? You do your thing; we'll do ours. Just stop pestering us. Enjoy the vast areas of overlapping interest we share.

Tonyaster · 11/04/2020 13:05

Standing in an unproductive group bleating: "You still there?", " Yes", "So am I." "Me too!" "Good." "Where Daphne?" She's over there" Oh that's nice. "She was over there and then she moved" "Really?" ...blah blah blah...

Lol! I feel a bit sorry for you actually but it takes all sorts.

Tonyaster · 11/04/2020 13:06

I think it's just so self-absorbed not to want to meet or talk to people that you don't know well. A lot of people are really interesting- and some people at big parties actually write and paint as well!

category12 · 11/04/2020 13:24

To me standing about endlessly socialising is being the sheep

That was exactly the point pp was making - the introvert looking down on people with better social skills than theirs.

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