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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to explain why attending social events is important to me?

82 replies

Rezie · 09/04/2020 17:43

I need help with finding the words to express how I feel. This was prompted by my cousin asking our address to send a wedding invite.

We’ve always had a bit of an issue with my bf coming so social events with me. He doesn’t like meeting new people and he kind of believes that if he doesn’t feel like it, he doesn’t have to attend. He has no extended family and his friends never host anything so therefore there are none on his side. Whereas in my side of the famil/social circle we have an expectation for couples to show up to certain social gatherings together (assuming they are available).

Thus far he has refused/cancelled on small things that I didn’t expect him to show up. For big events he has had a proper excuse not to attend (though, I do think he could have made a bt more effort). But as I was planning my own birthdayparty earlier this year I actually got worried that he wouldn’t be there or would cancel last minute. That is when I realized that these small things has really affected me and now whenever anyone is planning anything that we should attend together I get a bit nervous.

I know I need to talk to him when the next invite comes, but I don’t really know how to verbalize why this is something that is important to me. I’d like these rare “mandatory” social events to be “obviously we will be there” type things and then go to others on my own if he is not into it. Why I need him to come, dress appropriately and make an effort while there? I am capable of going to a things alone, but I feel like it is one of those things you just do as a couple but I cannot explain why.

Yeah, CV19 might mean there is no wedding to attend, but it’s good to be prepared.

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 09/04/2020 19:07

My niece’s ex was like this. Didn’t come to any family things.
Turns out it was a sort of controlling thing. Sulking indoors because she went and left him. If you lived me you would want to be with me, you know the usual shit. Like I say he’s her ex.

Original poster
Rezie · 09/04/2020 19:31

I’m looking for help with the language since I’ve noticed that sometimes on online forums people get what OP means and they can put it into words much better. I know what I need to express, but I somehow cannot think of the words. So this is like a trial run. It can end up being a compatibility issue and I can accept that. But we’re not there yet. Also he is not yet the person refusing to attend weddings or funerals. Due to the history of not being into "non-mandatory" events I'm worried that it will translate into "mandatory" events (this was a new feeling). Which is why we need to talk. If he finds attending a wedding/graduation/funeral hellish or he would be resentful, he is very free to expres this. I have no desire to be forceful.

OP posts:
ARoseInHarlem · 09/04/2020 19:47

So maybe just ask him how feels about going to those things. Ask him to articulate those feelings, his preferences etc. Them you say how you feel and what you’re worried about.

If you can’t talk freely and honestly with each other, then this social stuff is probably the wrong thing to focus on!

georgialondon · 09/04/2020 19:48

I think he should be allowed to choose not to go

RantyAnty · 09/04/2020 19:58

I'd say you knew this is how he was from the beginning.
I don't think you can change him now.

He's only your boyfriend right now.
What is the real reason you want him to go to these things?

Wearywithteens · 09/04/2020 20:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Shoxfordian · 09/04/2020 20:05

I told my dh that he would need to come to events, make an effort and show up when we were dating

This would be a dealbreaker for me

TheSandman · 09/04/2020 20:17

He sounds weird. Normal grown ups go to weddings with their partners.

Not if they can help it. What the hell is 'Normal' anyway?

My wife is an extrovert social animal. I'm the exact opposite. I love the fact that she's like and still has friends she went to school with while I can't remember the names of more than three of my old school mates and have no idea where any of them are. I love she's a social animal but have no desire to become so too. If 'compatible' means being glued at the hip and doing everything together like some double-headed animal agreeing on everything and having identical tastes then no, we're not compatible. We have violently opposite tastes in all sorts of things and wildly different skill sets. Do we make a good team? Yes we do. Our kids seem to enjoy our company. Are we happy? Most of the time. Is our relationship going to carry on for another 25 years years? Almost certainly - unless I die first. Which is statistically likely.

Some people think that pointless social chit chat is an utter waste of time. Some think it is vitally important to their well-being. People are different. What's the problem with that?

Gutterton · 09/04/2020 20:27

If he finds attending a wedding/graduation/funeral hellish or he would be resentful, he is very free to expres this. I have no desire to be forceful.

But these aren’t light weight social events - these are to support your family / friends / community - the bride and groom, the graduate, the bereaved.

These specific landmark events are about kindness and respect and say a lot about character.

If he didn’t want to turn up to a neighbours BBQ, random cousins baby shower, aunties Joan’s fancy dress party - I would let that slide.

There’s a bit of JADE going on here where you are minimising your own gut feelings about your party by Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining his actions.

Listen to your gut feelings. They are little red flags. Often you don’t know what they mean straight away - just file them away.

Wearywithteens · 09/04/2020 20:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

wheetos · 09/04/2020 20:31

I think maybe my other half could have written this about me! Loads of events I have refused to go too or don't make an effort and it's interesting reading the replies. It's making me think differently about how it makes him feel.

Barbararara · 09/04/2020 20:48

It’s tricky to put into words. I’m inclined to think of it in terms of social contract, but I have a background in psychology so that makes sense to me.
What does he do/ is interested in? Starting with an example he does understand, and extrapolating might be a good strategy.

I’m going off on a tangent here but I overheard a school mum explaining to her daughter (who has asd) that girls require “proof of friendship” on a regular basis and if you don’t give this they assume that you’re not friends anymore. I think there’s something similar that happens in families. You make time or each other’s occasions as a gesture of loyalty/affection, etc.

There’s also a statement being made when you don’t go- and I suppose you need to check with him if he knows he’s making it.

I’m puzzled tbh at him getting to adulthood and not grasping this social etiquette, even allowing for not having a family. Is he generally a bit blind to social conventions? (I’m very introverted and hate family gatherings but I understand their importance)

Sorry- I’m not very pithy. Generally dreadful at these kind of how do you not know this conversations.

CrowleysAngel · 09/04/2020 20:48

Is he going to go through life with his fingers in his ears saying ‘la, la, la’ like a toddler? Or too superior to make ‘small talk’ to people he doesn’t know well?

'Too superior'? Or just finds it difficult and uncomfortable? I'm not comfortable making small-talk for the sake of it and it's got fuck all to do with feeling 'superior' 🙄

Original poster
Rezie · 09/04/2020 20:49

@Gutterton that was a repsosnse to pp's saying that I'm in the wrong for forcing him to go to these and they would be resentful if they were my bf. It was bit of a heightened respnse. I'm not defending him or making excuses or ignoring red flags. I do think the relationship deserves a conversation. I'm looking for some clarity on what I mean since it muddled in my head so I can explain what I want and why. So he can understand it better. I think sometimes strangers can verbalize it better what I'm thinking

OP posts:
Tonyaster · 09/04/2020 20:54

Not if they can help it. What the hell is 'Normal' anyway?

Just occasionally doing things you might not love because it makes life easier and nicer for your partner.

Your overthinking is weird and difficult.

Original poster
Rezie · 09/04/2020 21:06

@Barbararara this was interesting. Also the proof of being a family is true. I also enjoy being with my family. The thing is, he is the best small talker I've ever met and can hold up a conversation with anyone about anything. It's incedeble. I do think he understands social conventions but he has never really had to care about them? And he understands the theory but not the practise. I think the idea that there is a community that want to support each other is foreign to him and that he is a part of it. He still worries about saying the wrong thing to my brother eventhough I think he likes him more than me

also others has made a really good language suggestion. Thank you. Some of you are jumping to conclusions, but I do appreciate commetns.

OP posts:
category12 · 09/04/2020 21:07

Most people feel uncomfortable making small talk with people they don't know. I don't know why some people think their discomfort outweighs their responsibilities to their partners/families.

I hate social stuff, I'm rubbish at it, it's painful. I go to family weddings etc because it's nice for the people I love if I do.

Like my cousin's wedding, for example. I went because my mum went (because she felt obliged and it would have upset her sister if she hadn't), and I went to support her and make it less awkward for her. My now-ex went because I went, to support me.

Gutterton · 09/04/2020 21:13

I think it’s enough to know for now that you were “unsettled” because maybe you were not sure that you could rely on him to be there for you for your party. However he came good on that occasion - but you were anxious - so maybe you are worried about him blowing hot and cold?

Wearywithteens · 09/04/2020 23:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

TheSandman · 09/04/2020 23:52

@Tonyaster
Not if they can help it. What the hell is 'Normal' anyway?

Just occasionally doing things you might not love because it makes life easier and nicer for your partner.

Your overthinking is weird and difficult

So 'normal' is also you demanding that your partner do things they find uncomfortable and horrible just to make you feel less awkward? "I love you so much I want you to have an awful time. It'll make me feel better."?

(That's an impersonal 'you' not specifically aimed at you, Tonyaster.)

And I'm sorry my 'overthinking' is weird and uncomfortable. But you know what? That's MY 'normal'. When I do get dragged to social gatherings all that goes through my head is - THIS IS HORRIBLE! I WANT TO GO! WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF ALL THIS? I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE BEING HERE I HAVE TO GO! - and that loud. For the whole fucking time. It's awful. I get physically sick. There are a lot of us who just don't do social. I used to be able to fake it. But when I got up to the point of having to down a bottle of whisky a night to do it it was time to stop.

Ragwort · 10/04/2020 14:17

Do you work with other people Sandman? How do you cope with meeting people in work situations, in shops, chatting to neighbours? Chatting to your children’s school friends and their parents?

There are certain social occasions that I would not attend eg; a New Years Eve Party because they, inevitably, drag on Grin but I will attend other social occasions with my DH’s friends and family, if he wants me to, because that is part of being in a partnership. Equally I don’t expect him to meet all my friends or go to all family occasions on my side but to point blank refuse to make an effort would be a deal breaker for me.

Verily1 · 10/04/2020 14:26

I don’t think he wants to be seen in public with you.

How much time have you spent with anyone who knows him? Have you met his friends, any of his family?

Could he be having an affair? Are you the affair?

There are a lot of red flags in your posts.

category12 · 10/04/2020 14:32

Surely when you got to that point, it was time to get help, not stop doing normal things.

TheSandman · 10/04/2020 15:09

Do you work with other people Sandman? How do you cope with meeting people in work situations, in shops, chatting to neighbours? Chatting to your children’s school friends and their parents?

One on one is fine. Meeting people during the course of daily life when there are things to be done and tasks to perform is ok. I work in a tourist centre. I'm chatty and friendly. I meet people everyday (well I did before Covid). The roles are defined.

Going to chaotic crowded places full of people who are only there to be there and to be seen to be there is pointless and stressful. Especially when the people there get drunk, boisterous, and noisy which a lot of them will do because they don't want to be there either and are giving themselves a hand by drinking. Given a choice between watching a bunch of people I have never met before will never meet again (and almost certainly will never give a fuck about) getting drunk and doing it VERY LOUDLY right into each other's faces... or actually DOING something constructive with my time...? I would prefer to do something. I'm not a herd animal. Not everyone is and I get fed up with being called weird because I don't want to 'join in' all the time. Joining in is weird. For a lot of people group activity is weird.

As an autistic friend of mine said; "if it wasn't for autistic people the human race would still be sitting around in caves being sociable." The older I get the more convinced I am she was right.

VeganVeal · 10/04/2020 15:35

You are not a good match, it will never work