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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I over reacting, or is this just not cool?

101 replies

DocBob · 07/04/2020 22:25

So my partner is both physically and emotionally abusive. There is not much I can do, I have involved social services (we have a child) and the police in the past, anyway that’s not the point of this post.

I live with constant accusations of infidelity (has never happened).
I’m a doctor in a hospital, my partner is a nursing student. I came home from work one day and she shows me a picture of a nurse working in my hospital. She claims this nurse told her that I have been hitting on another nurse at work. Which I know is not true, I actually avoid talking to others because I know the stress it causes me at home.

So I spend the next day getting abuse because I am “hitting on someone at work”.

I have a feeling that the entire story was fabricated so tell my partner I am making a formal complaint about this nurse. Then she finally admits that she made it up and she does not even know this nurse. I believe she has basically spent ages searching Facebook for a nurse that works in my department, saved the picture and made up this story.

Now she has backtracked and told me she knows another nurse who knows another nurse who works in my hospital who told her friend this story about me.

I know it sounds childish but you guys can't quite grasp how much stress I get put though when I am being accused of these things. I just feel that making up this stuff is so massively manipulative and really not cool.

I just feel this whole situation is unforgivable or am I reading too much into this and should I just let it go again?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/04/2020 22:28

You are NOT reading too much into this.

And 'really not cool' is the understatement of the century.

How on earth can you stand living with someone so abusive and vile to you?

You say there is nothing you can do.

Yes there is.

You can make plans to leave. You could actually leave tonight if you wanted to. Is any accommodation available to you as a key worker/doctor?

So sorry you are going through this but ending this relationship will be the best thing you ever do.

No-one deserves what she is putting you through. Flowers

mamato3lads · 07/04/2020 22:31

That's incredibly odd behaviour, it would worry me a lot and I would not tolerate it. Bloody hell, must be exhausting.

Why is she so massively insecure? You'll never win because you're not doing anything wrong and there is no argument to have, it's all in her head.

...and not speaking to other people because it causes problems at home is ridiculous, so controlling.

Talk to her, she needs to understand...but if this continues (or as I suspect, gets worse the more you play her game) you need to get out of there for your own sanity xx

Krazynights34 · 07/04/2020 22:32

Can you leave her?
There is no excuse for this kind of abuse.
She is straying into your work territory and placing you at risk ( if I understand the story correctly).

greenyblueyes · 07/04/2020 22:34

You can't reason with this person.

I think you should make plans to leave. I am sorry you're in this position. If you stay, you will find that this sort of thing happens again and again.

if she is capable of accusing you of cheating, might she be capable of accusing you of worse and getting you in real trouble with the police and work?

RandomMess · 07/04/2020 22:36

Can you leave, preferably with your DC?

noyoucannotcomein · 07/04/2020 22:37

So my partner is both physically and emotionally abusive. There is not much I can do, I have involved social services (we have a child) and the police in the past, anyway that’s not the point of this post.

Why do you feel you can't leave this awful partner/mother/person?

HollowTalk · 07/04/2020 22:37

She sounds insane.

Who does the bulk of the childcare? Can you afford to rent somewhere for now? I imagine she'd go kicking and screaming regarding access and child support, so you'd have to be prepared for that, but you really can't live like this.

AntennaReborn · 07/04/2020 22:38

OP you are being treated so badly, it's heartbreaking. Is there anywhere else you can go? For your and your child's sake, you need to leave

AllTheIceCream · 07/04/2020 22:38

Is this really how you want to live your life?

I can't see it getting any better.

Original poster
DocBob · 07/04/2020 22:41

I can't leave because we have a child, she does not work, she lives in my house, she has told me she will simply say I hit her if I report her, and I know she will want to try and take the baby and make false allegations. Also, today she went through my laptop bag has taken patient data.

I know full well I need to get out, this has been going on for a few years and I am completely broken, but I need to find a way to do this while managing the best interest of our baby. She cant manage the baby on her own, I only work 3 days a week so I can help more with the baby and she can go to school.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 07/04/2020 22:44

Are you same sex? Who had the baby? Do you have equal parenting rights?

RandomMess · 07/04/2020 22:45

Are you in the UK?

zoostorm1 · 07/04/2020 22:45

God no you're not over reacting. Im going through the same but we broke up today. Please leave him it'll only get worse. You'll always be accused. It wears you down im a shadow of my former self due to this kind of treatment.

morecoffeerequired · 07/04/2020 22:47

You need to report the data breach as soon as possible, and tell your work exactly what has been happening, including the blackmail threats. Your partner also sounds like she is stalking these nurses.

Perhaps the only thing you can do, after speaking to work, is to report all this to the police.

Sorry, but your partner sounds unhinged.

Interestedwoman · 07/04/2020 22:50

You're not wrong, this is creepy.

You can end it.

It's not like you're in the position of the many people who have to leave/try and end it with no money etc.

Original poster
DocBob · 07/04/2020 22:51

honestly, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I'm a dude, she is a she. I think if I was a woman it would be easier for me to deal with. She has made fun of me many times because I get hit by a woman (her)

At the moment work is so draining because I am working on the front line (A&E) in PPE. I even have to show her pictures of me in a PPE because I don’t have marks on my face so she then starts to think I am not at work.

Yes we are UK based.

And yes good point, I will report the breach tomorrow to my hospital.

OP posts:
KaptenKrusty · 07/04/2020 22:53

Report the theft and work on finding a way out ! You can leave

GilbertMarkham · 07/04/2020 22:54

Yeah I think you're going to have to consult s solicitor and maybe the police.

You can't continue to be held hostage like this.

Are you a man or a woman?

(Just thinking about the best avenue Gur support eg women's aid).

bulletjournalbilly · 07/04/2020 22:54

This reply has been deleted

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GilbertMarkham · 07/04/2020 22:55

Sorry, cross posted.

I don't know if women's aid help men or if there are other organisations.

Bluewater1 · 07/04/2020 22:58

You need to leave her and you need advice from a solicitor. I'm so sorry you are going through this

Original poster
DocBob · 07/04/2020 23:00

bulletjournalbilly, work is aware that I have these issues at home, this is why they have let me reduce to 3 days a week

OP posts:
category12 · 07/04/2020 23:05

Speak to mensadviceline.org.uk/

CuriousCatCatcher · 07/04/2020 23:08

CSB

longtimecomin · 07/04/2020 23:10

It's abuse. Get rid.

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