Am I over reacting, or is this just not cool?

[DocBob]

So my partner is both physically and emotionally abusive. There is not much I can do, I have involved social services (we have a child) and the police in the past, anyway that’s not the point of this post.

I live with constant accusations of infidelity (has never happened).
I’m a doctor in a hospital, my partner is a nursing student. I came home from work one day and she shows me a picture of a nurse working in my hospital. She claims this nurse told her that I have been hitting on another nurse at work. Which I know is not true, I actually avoid talking to others because I know the stress it causes me at home.

So I spend the next day getting abuse because I am “hitting on someone at work”.

I have a feeling that the entire story was fabricated so tell my partner I am making a formal complaint about this nurse. Then she finally admits that she made it up and she does not even know this nurse. I believe she has basically spent ages searching Facebook for a nurse that works in my department, saved the picture and made up this story.

Now she has backtracked and told me she knows another nurse who knows another nurse who works in my hospital who told her friend this story about me.

I know it sounds childish but you guys can't quite grasp how much stress I get put though when I am being accused of these things. I just feel that making up this stuff is so massively manipulative and really not cool.

I just feel this whole situation is unforgivable or am I reading too much into this and should I just let it go again?

Gather as much evidence as you can. Voice record her verbal abuse. You may not be able to get video evidence of the violence but a audio recording is better than nothing. Try to get a text conversation going about her threats to lie about you hitting her.

You need to take the false allegation threats seriously and protect yourself. She has the potential to ruin your life more than she already has.

I’m sorry but it’s not ok that she can just access patient data and you’re not willing to do anything about it. You could be putting people at risk. I’m very sorry you’re in this situation but you need to do something about this huge breach of people’s privacy and data.

... today she went through my laptop bag has taken patient data.

I am utterly amazed that you mention this as a kind of by the way...!!!

This is fucking serious! You need to report this IMMEDIATELY. And seek legal advice since YOU could possibly be in trouble for not having protected confidential patient data.

I know this sounds extreme but I would record Her due to
“she has told me she will simply say I hit her if I report her, and I know she will want to try and take the baby and make false allegations“
and I would at least confide in someone close to you, you don’t know the extremes she will eventually go to.
Also I know you don’t want to split up with her because of your child but it is not the environment to bring a child up in, letting him/her see/hear the trauma Of what’s going on, and getting upset as time goes on and they start to understand more, believe me, I lived it when I was younger and I resented my parent for a long time for allowing me and my siblings to have to live through this :( sorry

What type of data did you have on your laptop that she has breached ?

Frontline A+E work does not lend itself to wfh so why did you have it in the 1st place ?

And yes good point, I will report the breach tomorrow to my hospital.

Did you really need this pointed out as the right course of action?

Report that data breach as soon has, she’s broken one of laws of medicine as for abuse start planning to leave, good luck.

I'm sorry to hear all that you are going through. I've been in a relationship where my abuser has threatened my job, my home, my children taken from me. I was petrified that no one would believe me if I told people the truth or it would somehow be turned onto me. I think its where your confidence is bashed so low. Please seek help you will be believed.

Why would you have A&E patient data on your laptop?

The data would have only been a hospital number with a tick box next to it of things I need to chase, nothing more than that because we don't have Lists. She went through all my papers looking for this sort of thing because she thinks she can use it to blackmail me.

I have made a recording of her going through my bag, taking papers smiling at me.

I know I need to take this up with work, its only just happened in the last couple of hours, I will get on it in the morning.

The funny thing in 1 to 2 days she will be back to being a normal person like nothing has happened.

I understand that this is a particularly stressful time for you with work etc

But you need to start working on a plan and figuring out how you'll leave this abusive relationship. You really shouldn't be living like this and you don't want your child growing up believing that it's okay to behave/be treated like this.

It sounds like she's really insecure and takes it out on you. Also knows how to trap you from running away.
Remember there's nothing more damaging to a child mentally than having toxic parents around them.
Are you able to live separately and alternate having the child? Or would she veto that? I'd say keep filing police reports on her so they have the record of who's abusing who if it comes down to her trying to play dirty.
So sorry about the situation OP hope you can find a way out.

Just because you have a child it doesn't mean you can't leave. Thousands of people leave people they have children with everyday.

I know what you guys are saying but she has been aggressive with the baby in the past. I have called social services but nothing has been done. I can’t kick her out because I do not feel the baby is safe alone with her.

I am 100 percent capable of taking care of the baby my self but obviously she will not allow that, I am fully aware I can’t live like this for ever but I was trying to support her until she finishes uni then she can afford to go her own way and I thought getting a job my help her settle down.

She has BPD / EU PD which is why I am understanding of her behaviour. In part it’s not her fault, she is just unwell.

My only concern in life is my little one.

I work in the NHS too and you need to report the data breach immediately or you will be in serious shit.
She sounds totally unhinged and shouldn't even be anywhere near vulnerable patients especially if she has stolen data.
See a solicitor asap, go for custody of your child.
There should be enough on record if social services and police have been involved to do so.
I did and my ex husband was not allowed to see our DS at all.

Have you any evidence of her being physically abusive to you?

P.S "She will not allow that".
Sorry but she doesn't get to decide. A judge will decide in the family court.
I've been through all of this myself.
You'll need to go through legal process, it isn't fun but is obviously now necessary.

I was going to say she sounds like a cluster b before you mentioned bpd...because it sounded all too familiar. I know there seems to be a lot more sympathy for borderlines than for other cluster b's but, fuck that noise. It is not an excuse to be an abusive shitehead.

I'd go to the police and report her. Especially if you have proof of her attempt to blackmail (if she has tried yet). Literally do whatever it takes to fer away from her and to get the child away too. Because she will 100% do to the child, exactly what she is doing to you as soon as it is old enough to be manipulated.

At least get on record with your work and the police, the way she is behaving so far they are well aware. Protect yourself dude, she is rotten.

My only concern in life is my little one.

Then you need to stop making excuses for you and your little one's abuser. It sounds like you are the only safe parent that this poor child has and you need to do whatever it takes to leave this woman and take your child with you. Keep reporting, keep collecting evidence of the abuse and start building your case.

Get a lawyer. They will be able to advise you about evidence etc. You can and should leave, with your child. Can you contact the freedom programme?

For God sake leave her, she is a weirdo
You don't know what she is capable of. X

You need to leave
And have your child
You need to safeguard your child first and foremost and have a track record of doing this
It will be a tough few months or years perhaps but you'll look back and know it was worth it. This is very abusive and you are trapped and being controlled and manipulated. I understand your work must make it even harder because a false accusation here or there can cause huge ripples. Even the threats are coercive control. Please please set your sights on leaving, this really is not likely to get better with time.
Also is she engaging with treatment?
Focus on your child, proving you can safeguard them from this, and getting out of this relationship.

3 am. I’m sleeping on the sofa. She has woken up and taken my used underwear form the wash bin and rubbed it in my face accusing me of pleasuring my self.

I tried to leave the house but she will not allow me to.

I asked for the papers back and she has refused stating she will keep them to use against me.

First thing tomorrow I will report this to the police and my employer.

I have this recorded on my phone

Hope you are ok DocBob, she sounds completely vile.
I hope you manage to get this sorted tomorrow.