Am I over reacting, or is this just not cool?

[DocBob]

So my partner is both physically and emotionally abusive. There is not much I can do, I have involved social services (we have a child) and the police in the past, anyway that’s not the point of this post.

I live with constant accusations of infidelity (has never happened).
I’m a doctor in a hospital, my partner is a nursing student. I came home from work one day and she shows me a picture of a nurse working in my hospital. She claims this nurse told her that I have been hitting on another nurse at work. Which I know is not true, I actually avoid talking to others because I know the stress it causes me at home.

So I spend the next day getting abuse because I am “hitting on someone at work”.

I have a feeling that the entire story was fabricated so tell my partner I am making a formal complaint about this nurse. Then she finally admits that she made it up and she does not even know this nurse. I believe she has basically spent ages searching Facebook for a nurse that works in my department, saved the picture and made up this story.

Now she has backtracked and told me she knows another nurse who knows another nurse who works in my hospital who told her friend this story about me.

I know it sounds childish but you guys can't quite grasp how much stress I get put though when I am being accused of these things. I just feel that making up this stuff is so massively manipulative and really not cool.

I just feel this whole situation is unforgivable or am I reading too much into this and should I just let it go again?

Do you have anywhere you can go? You can’t stay in that environment, that is for sure.

Start with the mindset today that you are now planning to go your separate ways. It may seem an unachievable task but believe me you can do it.

One step at time, firstly getting yourself out of there. Secondly, arranging support for her watching the child perhaps a nursery placement.
Then more long term thoughts of housing etc etc.

💕Sleep is the most important thing too, you can’t think straight when you’re not allowed to sleep.

Sorry @DocBob I just read that she has a diagnosis. I wondered about BPD. My mum had that and your child is not ever going to be safe with her. Please get your baby as far away as you legally can to make it as physically difficult as possible for her to see this child. Her presence is going to be a physical and emotional minefield. (I am 48 and having treatment for CPTSD if that helps to solidify your argument. I had 10 broken arms before my 9th birthday and the psychological abuse was far, far worse than the physical abuse.)

*@forrasee sorry too if I was too harsh. I was in a situation where I was able to leave and it was hard and I'm also in a situation where I don't feel I can but my dcs aren't at any risk so I do get it but this is a doctor with intelligence and support and a small child is at risk.

Hope your reporting goes well man. The way she is acting...it sounds more like a malignant narcissist than bpd to me. I think a lot of women tend to be diagnosed bpd as npd is seen as being more of a 'male' diagnosis.

Either way she's batshit crazy and dangerous. Good luck escaping the wicked witch.

Ps: I hope you pack her/your bags while she is out being questioned.

Dear lord this is just awful abuse. Her mental health problems do not give her carte Blanche to treat you like that. I'm honestly appalled reading this - gather evidence of her behaviour and leave her. The family courts can decide what is in the best interests of your baby and trust me when I say they will not believe everything she says they see multiple cases like this a week the judges are well versed in manipulative behaviour from both mothers and fathers. I have been through this myself and it was actually in the end a much more positive experience than I thought it would be. Please do not stay in this highly abusive relationship.

She is not unwell. This is her personality. This is who she is.

You have to record the data breach, and if I were you I would also report it as an attempt at blackmail. Because you know that you shouldn't have had that stuff on your laptop unless on a remote server -her accessing a remote server she isn't allowed to is a criminal offense, and if you don't have a remote server yet have patient info on your laptop, then it is blackmail-worthy.

Repeated reporting is the only way that abuse is proved. I reported as a woman, and initially the police believed him - because he was so plausible. That changes when you keep on reporting. Don't lose heart.

Totally agree with pp.

You dont hear people going 'oh it's not his fault he killed that person because he is a sociopath, he's mentally unwell'.

No excuse for being a psycho...even ACTUALLY being one.

I read this recently and found it very informative.

You aren't alone.

www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/81a8f303-5849-45b8-85a0-e8532b5d948b

Are you ok?

Do not let her use her MH issues as a 'pass' for her abusive behaviour; she is extremely paranoid and controlling. And the fact you said she has acted dangerously towards the baby makes me think you need to apply for full custody. As soon as possible.

Please be resolute. Report her to the police and your employer. This may help social services to take it seriously.

I hope you are OK this morning.

Get. The. Fuck Out. Now.

She is nuts and you don't deserve any of this.

Get Out today. You can do this.

She sounds actually mentally ill.
You are also being domestically abused, without question. The advice for you is the same for anyone having these kinds of horrible abuse done to them - get out of that house as soon as you can, and report her.

She sounds absolutely bonkers. Keep all texts etc for proof of her insanity. Install a call recorder on your phone to record any accusations she makes over the phone. Build a body of evidence. Consult a solicitor (ask them to not send any correspondence to your house). Plan your escape.

I was thinking BPD/EUPD when I read your initial post, I didn't want to mention it but have just read further down your posts and saw that you've mentioned it yourself. This woman is nasty, manipulative and loves drama. She'll stop at nothing to screw you over and you need to start being clever about this.

You are understanding that this isn't her fault because she has BPD? The fact that she has BPD is not her fault. But her nasty manipulative behaviour is her fault. Her diagnosis is not making her act this way. She is acting this way. She has the choice to act this way, being cruel/abusive or choosing to work on her BPD. She is choosing to be abusive. As long as you absolve her of her horrid behaviour because of her diagnosis, you'll continue to be a victim.

Hi @DocBob, just checking in on you. Are you and baby okay? You have a lot going against you at the moment with the Covid-19 crisis, a new baby, your partner’s problems and work pressures. You’re obviously an intelligent, caring person. You must know that you can’t fix her. You are going to have to change your life to make your baby safe, though.

You need to get out of there with the baby, @DocBob. She's clearly very unwell, and I know you're worried about her, but it's not your responsibility to change her behaviour or seek help, it's hers. Keeping your baby safe is your main job just now. Speaking as a doctor as well, you also have responsibility to your patients, which she is flouting despite her profession, no matter how minor the data she is accessing. You must be utterly miserable right now - I know how hard life is on the front line at the moment, and I'm deeply grateful to your and all your colleagues for what you're doing.

Take your baby somewhere safe, and don't tell your OH where that is. Take all patient info with you. Tell the hospital about the breach - does she practice there as a student? Does she have a CPN or other psychiatric team who should be made aware that she's not coping just now, or can you tell her family? Then do that, but after that you have no responsibility to look after her given how she's behaved towards you. Huge hugs, this sounds utterly awful.

Sorry red a few lines he is hitting you and verbally abusing you and you have a child. There ain’t much you can do though: so you raise your kid in an environment where they are witnessing this and grow up thinking it’s normal it damages them. We all have a duty to put our kids first and if it means your in a hostel with nothing that’s what you do. I’d you can’t do that for your child then you stay and put the child in care or foster because lady until you do your a bad mom. Our kids only become adults and who they are through the life they live growing up. You choose to be there the child don’t. I can’t read anymore than two lines cos you said not much you can do yes there is. Money doesn’t mean Fuk all being safe being content knowing our kids are safe is what matters/ I’m pretty sad you not giving a shit about yourself and can’t get help means your child suffers. That’s not fair

OK, so brutal truth...

You have a parental responsibility to protect your child. Both of you equally

She is unhinged and unfit to parent your child. I wouldn't let her look after my cat.

You are so used to being abused that you are too close to see this situation clearly. You can contact the national domestic abuse helpline.

Your child should not be exposed to this.

I think you need to put up hidden cameras around your house , in every room if necessary so you have proof of how she is acting . I’m sure some will come along to berate me for even suggesting this , and 99% of the time I would agree , it’s totally wrong , but this 1% I think cameras are justified .
The well-being of your child is paramount . If her behaviour towards you is anything to go by , I’d really fear for the well-being of the baby . Also you are covered if she injured herself and tried to blame it on you .For obvious reasons DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT THEM .
Once social services can actually see for themselves the abuse that is going on , I’m pretty sure that in the event of a separation, they would leave the baby with you .
Honestly I am so sorry for what you are going through , esp with all the awful things you are mist likely going through at work .
I know you said she has MH issues , that is sad , but you cannot go on like this forever , it’s a living hell for you . Imagine as the baby gets older , and sees all this for themselves . It’s unthinkable .

@FabbyChix

If you took the time to read, you would see the OP is a male looking for assistance.

I’m sorry for the lack of update.
I will post in a few days. At the moment I’m doing 12h shifts for the next couple of days.

Data breach has been sorted. Hospital and insurance involved and I got the documents (was only one) back.

But I will post more when I can early next week.

Keep safe

This is very manipulative and it's abuse. I have experienced it and it is horrible. Sorry you are going through this, please try to make plans to split from her when you can - she is not just going to get better. The fact she hits you and then mocks you about it is just horrific. Just as an aside -there is no way she should be able to qualify as a nurse - the data breach she's carried out should be enough to get her thrown off her course. Your the major breadwinner; she's committing serious
crimes - surely it the long run you would get full custody?!