Shall I tell his wife about your affair?

[IWillHaveAnotherOneThankYou]

Hello all,

I am fairly new here, I actually just registered because I'd really like to know people's opinions on my situation.

In autumn last year I became close to my then colleague. He was newly separated from his wife, but not divorced. They have three kids (a 4 year old and 1 year old twins). He'd moved to a small rented flat and left his wife and the kids in their home. The plan was, as he told me straight from the start, to start the divorce in summer 2020 because apparently that's when his wife's widowed mother would officially retire and move in with his wife to help with the kids (they're apparently a bit of a handful).

He said that his wife doesn't know about us because it's better this way apparently. He indicated that it may be easier for everyone to tell her after the divorce to keep 'things in check', whatever that means.

The thing is that we didn't hide our affair very well at work and as a result I lost my job because of that (it wasn't so straightforward but essentially it came down to the fact that one of us had to go and as he was senior, but not my manager, he was more 'valuable' for the company and so I had to go). That was in January. I have got over it more less by now, however, as he's an experienced IT expert, he was head hunted for and was offered a better job elsewhere and left the company a month after me to start in his new, better paid job. So the sum total of this is that I've lost my job but cannot find a new one easily, at least not in my line of work, because most companies have temporarily frozen recruitment, whilst he's enjoying a great step up in his career. Unfair much?

To top it off, just before the lockdown he moved back home (apparently for the sake of the kids so that they don't suffer without seeing him for the duration of the lockdown) but his wife's mother is apparently there as well, supposedly helping with the kids and he confirmed that she's taken the guest bedroom which would mean that he's back in the marital bed with his wife. So there is he with his wife and her mother and of course the three kids in their home, for the duration of the isolation.

Here is the thing - our relationship has become rather sour, I'd even say non-existent during this lockdown period. Previously he would message me a 100 times a day, but now I haven't heard from him for a couple of days. Previously he would be super affectionate, lovey dovey, planning our future and generally being swept of his feet by me etc etc etc. Now, at my age (36) I approach this love bombing with caution but I think he really was genuine when things were great. I don't understand what's happened but I feel very hurt by the sudden lack of his attention. When I asked him about it, he didn't really say anything.

I went from feeling sad, to confused, to super angry. When I consider that I lost my job because of our affair (I know, I know, I took part in it voluntarily) but he smoothly transitioned from one job to another, it makes me fume inside. He used to be all lovey dovey treating me almost like the love of his life - this went on consistently for months and now nothing. I don't hear anything from him at all. Not a beep. I've tried to initiate some contact this week but he came across as distant and all his affection/love/ enthusiasm for me was gone.

I am super angry. I am also feeling lonely (I live alone). I am jobless and generally things are not easy. I probably came off as a bit of clingy when trying to talk to him this week, that's not my usual self. He always admired how strong and independent I am. And now I was almost begging for attention. It's not a situation I've experienced before and my ego is taking over my rationale. The last straw was when tonight I saw him bragging to someone about his new job on LinkedIn. I really, really feel very close to letting his wife know about us....They were separated anyways and according to him, the divorce proceedings were to start in summer. It just seems so very unfair that he seems to be getting away with everything and coming across as the good guy (a responsible father who didn't want to be separated from the kids too long and a reliable breadwinner who quickly moved to a better paid job). Nobody knows about our affair - well, apart from people at our old office, but deep down I wish he suffered a bit too. I know it's awful to admit this, I should probably be the better person here but it's very, very hard. Normally the right thing to do in this situation would be to move on and find someone else, with better circumstances but I can't even date anyone else because of this lockdown! Part of me deep down wants to let his wife know which would, potentially, make their isolation situation rather unpleasant, hopefully for him mainly!

Thoughts please? I think I know what you all will probably tell me - that I should raise above it and let it be and move on. But that's that one thing that it's hard for me to do and I dont' even want to do that if I am perfectly honest. It feels like I am the one who is paying for everything but he's is breezily running through it all with flying effing colours...

@PyongyangKipperbang

Because they would be very hurt by the whole thing, even if OP thought their relationship was 'above board' the poor wife still had 1 year old twins to look after while the hubby legged it.

I would feel bad anyway.

wolfgirrl

The guy was single when they got together.

We really need to stop blaming woman for men's behaviour. He needs to know whats right for his ex-wife and children, not his new partner.

OP, will you please answer my questions.

How often did you see him in the evenings and weeken? Could you just drop by his flat and phone him whenever you wanted?

I think the wife might want to know. Who knows, she might already know. She may decide not to believe you, or to forgive it because they were on a break. But she does deserve the option, in my opinion.

And OP - that exit from your job is dodgy, why would you not legally challenge that? Doesn't matter that you took the payout.
Chat to a solicitor, focus in that and forget about telling the wife for now. if you still feel like she deserves to know once your life is back in track, reconsider.

one thing stuck out massively- your ex would have known he has lined up a new job when you made the decision to take redundancy, so he clearly fucked you over without a second thought. be glad to be rid of him.

Those of you who ask if he was separated: yes, I would come to his little flat sometimes. I just preferred if he came over to mine if he was to stay the night simply because I didn't want to pack an overnight kit of cosmetics etc etc etc.

During our happy times we would see each other pretty often - when we were still at work, then daily, of course. We even had a nice city break in Brussels one weekend (he used to work there as a graduate). When I left the company, we would still see each other at least 2 or 3 times a week as minimum. He would message me all the time throughout the day.

As for his notice period: yes, he had been discussing his new role well before shit hit the fan in the office but because nothing had been signed by him, he played it safe. When in fact he could have said to his boss that he was considering to move elsewhere so he would be gone soon anyway. This would have probably saved my job. Another reason why I am so angry with him.

To be fair - if his wife finds out and kick off, I hope that he would be too busy sorting out things at home and wont' have time or any energy to be nasty towards me. And I feel 'safe' physically because he cannot really, well - he shouldn't - travel to my place to cause any havoc, this is probably the one thing that the lockdown is good for.

@VodselForDinner
What I expected when I started seeing him? Well, at first it was just about sex (and here I must be honest: he's really good in bed), because I had some doubts about separated men who are not divorced. My mother always warned me that I should avoid guys who are not officially divorced because there is a big chance they may get back to their wives. I didn't believe her because he was so into me. Gradually overtime he fell in love with me and behaved like a carefree teenager which made me think that I was safe to fall in love with him as well. We were talking about a future together. He seemed to have it all planned out with the divorce and everything. It looked like nothing would ruin our plans....and then corona came along and with that the isolation and things have been completely different since then.

Thank you all who are supportive. I know it's not just about me, it's about his kids etc but frankly, they already saw their father move away once. Furthemore he did it to them. I dont' see why the blame should be on me? I didn't seduce a married man, well, he's married technically but it all looked like it won't be the case for long. I understand that if I were one of his kids, I wouldn't want to witness any further fall out between the parents, if I were his wife - I don't know what I would do. He already moved away once. Then came back. Before she starts building up any hope, maybe she should do so when she knows all the details? that he wasn't alone in his flat but was actually with me? Maybe that wouldn't put her off necessarily but it would be clear that he lied to her....isn't that bad enough?

Your concern for his wife is touching.

Hi.
I think it's natural to feel hurt when you've been treated so badly,but I think you have to put yourself first.

This means looking after yourself and not dragging this on,which divulging private information to his wife will do. I recognise that not having the opportunity to resolve this situation in a way which would satisfy your angry part can feel frustrating and unjust,but do you really think that upsetting the apple cart is going to enable you a clean break and to move successfully on?

If you do go down the revenge route you've no idea of the consequences and how long they will continue nor how they will impact on you,so please look after yourself and resist any further contact. You've already taken too many blows,you need to protect yourself from more.

Take good care OP and g'luck.

The wife may deserve to know, but does she need to know now? In lockdown?

I wouldn't say anything.

You have already seen that powerful men take advantage of women who are in a position of less power. It is you who lost your job. If rumours get around about your relationship, how do you think you'll be portrayed ?

Just, don't tell. Don't use the wife and kids as a club to beat him with. If he's a slime, then chances are he'll lie well enough that she'll believe him anyways.
It is a cruel thing to do, and he'll use it as " evidence" that you're unstable. It's just what they do.

Honestly, there is nothing real to gain from telling, but lots to lose.

pathetic.

You want to make his life a living hell in lockdown? What do you think his children's memories of this already difficult time will be if their parents are at war?

Maybe that wouldn't put her off necessarily but it would be clear that he lied to her....isn't that bad enough?

Well, that's up to his wife. It's her judgement call to make. What I would say is that the next time you meet a guy who is happy to lie for months on end to his wife and the mother of his children, maybe consider the fact that he may also be happy with lying to you.

I would tell her. I am sorry but cheats often get away with their deceit in the name of think about his wife /kids . For all we know she might already have been suspicious and will forgive him anyway.

one thing stuck out massively- your ex would have known he has lined up a new job when you made the decision to take redundancy, so he clearly fucked you over without a second thought

Yes, I know, I didn't know it back then but I do no, he admitted it later.

I am a bit nervous about the legal side of my redundancy now - I wonder if I were played....not sure if it's important to mention but I am not British, we both are from the EU but different countries, he's French and I am Austrian, so I am not entirely in the know how the legal side of things work....when the HR guy and my boss presented me with the 'let's call it a redundancy package' - their words, I assumed they must have had it legally sorted out, would they risk an unfair dismissal?

The wife may deserve to know, but does she need to know now? In lockdown?

I think so. I'd want to know as soon as possible, so that I didn't up reconciling with this man, having sex with him all the way through lockdown, only to discover on the other side of it that he'd been lying throughout.

You are incredibly naive and immature. He never loved you and the distance in your relationship is nothing to do with the Coronavirus. It’s because he no longer wants anything to do with you.

2) (Less appealing but it's morally the 'right' thing to do) - I should just ignore him and move on. Just the thought of that makes me uneasy. It feels like this way I would be enabling him to carry on having a cake and eat it. Whoever said that I am being bitter and want revenge, was correct. Yes, I do. I don't think it's so unreasonable in my situation....is it

Feeling bitter is totally understandable. Showing him you feel bitter does you down. It's not your job to teach him how to live his life, or to teach his wife and kids who he is. You are not responsible for his family.

You are responsible for your own feeling of dignity. Walk away, undamaged, head held high. No more contact with him. Do not respond if he contacts you. It's over.

You lost your job; find another. Move on. For yourself. Nothing in your life is about him anymore.

I'm afraid you lost my vote when you said his three tiny children are apparently a bit of a handful.

Really do not believe for a moment this man had ended his marriage and moved out.
He is obviously still very much married, and he has twins just a year old. When you say “newly separated “ just how newly do you mean ? That he had just moved out ? Why on earth start sleeping with him ?

Agree this reads as all the reasons why not to shag your married, senior colleague/boss.

Whether you should tell his wife ? She does deserve to know, but she may well not believe you.

@Onceateacher

Why is that OP’s problem? He should’ve thought of that

Op I think it's definitely worth getting some proper legal advice on how you lost your job.

You chose to believe his lies and chose to be intimate with him.

Why message his wife now and cause chaos during lockdown?

If anything message him and tell him you’re going to spill the beans to make him sweat.....unless your ploy to tell his wife is so she’ll throw him out and he’ll scuttle back to his 2nd choice, you.

*so please look after yourself and resist any further contact. You've already taken too many blows,you need to protect yourself from more.

Take good care OP and g'luck*

Thank you, very kind of you:-)

The wife may deserve to know, but does she need to know now? In lockdown?
Well, yes, but if I tell her after the lockdown, he may escape the sting of the situation by going to his rented flat to get away from anything unpleasant. And once again, he would be the one who will get away with things fairly easily.

Well if he was genuinely separated from his wife - do you know that for sure? - then it wasn't an affair. You have two separate issues:

• was the job loss related to your relationships or other factors? Be clear about that - it is not a usual reason for making someone redundant and if it was a sacking then it would be the senior person who would be sanctioned. You really need to get clear on that. And seek legal advice.
• he's living with his apparent XW. Some of the mother moving in stuff sounds like a delaying factor. Honestly I'd ask yourself about your motivation about revealing things. Are you just wanting to lash out in revenge? Clearly this man isn't worth a moment more of your time. But have some compassion and think about his poor wife. Don't kick her in the teeth - you have no way of knowing what he's told her and in all of this she's the innocent party. Just dump him. He's clearly not worth a moment more of your precious life. You have time now to re-build your life and get in touch with who you are. It will be hard and lonely but there's just you to look after yourself. And no one can do you anymore harm.

Did you post about this a while ago? He stayed with you when overseas?