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Original poster

Second wife tale?

151 replies

BonneMaman77 · 30/03/2020 22:13

I remarried three years ago and went from being a newly single woman to paying for maintenance of new husband's kid's and their mortgage on the home the kids live with their mother. Plus his half of our life. He lost his job a few months before we got married and was in any case, focused on his start-up.

The start-up has a lot of potential and he works really hard on it. He is the hardest working man i know. It is in a good place with good investors and potential clients. Still, potential not done. I am tiring of this life where i am the breadwinner and wonder for how long this will go on. Before a I moved to a new job about a year ago with a huge pay-rise I was eating into my savings and have halved it. I resent not being able to afford the life i want for me and us because of the expense for the kids.

How do deal with this?

OP posts:
Winterlife · 30/03/2020 22:17

Why are you paying maintenance for his childen? You have no legal obligation to do so. Let him sort that out on his own.

Original poster
BonneMaman77 · 30/03/2020 22:29

I either allow him to focus on the start-up to get to revenue quickly so that overall it solves cashflow, or ask him to get a mid-pay job and leave the start-up limping for longer prolonging cashflow issues.

The idea when i first agreed to pay for him to focus - was for 6 months only, but its gone for three years now and I am begining to lose it.

OP posts:
Winterlife · 30/03/2020 22:33

It's your decision on how long you will support him for this, but I think you have to have a serious talk about it, and that when it is successful (half of businesses are not), you expect him to reimburse your savings as well as what you've expended on his obligations. You could even have him sign a promissory note. I'd sell it as "If you get hit by a bus, or die of COVID-19, I don't want money I earned before we married to benefit your ex."

SittingAround1 · 30/03/2020 22:33

Stop funding his start-up and his children.

Three years is long enough to get a business up and running.

Are you sure he didn't do this start-up to avoid paying for his children (he wouldn't be the first) ?

BunnytheBee · 30/03/2020 22:36

Are you sure he didn't do this start-up to avoid paying for his children (he wouldn't be the first) ?

Yes I’m sure he started up a business purely for this purpose 🙄

SharonasCorona · 30/03/2020 22:41

Oh no way I would have agreed to this. If he leaves you you will have nothing to show for the years you supported him.

Do you have your own mortgage too? Is the house jointly owned or did you buy it before you married him?

rvby · 30/03/2020 22:41

this isn't a case of being a second wife, I'm afraid this is called "being a mug".

What does he add to your life? Is his tackle studded with diamonds? He sounds a very expensive habit so I hope you're getting your money's worth?

BunnytheBee · 30/03/2020 22:42

He is only obligated to provide a proportion of his earnings so you don’t have to make up the shortfall

It’s his responsibility to provide for his kids

Original poster
BonneMaman77 · 30/03/2020 22:42

Tell me more re the promissory note....is it a legal document? Tbh, i dont want the money I earn to benefit his ex, not just what i earned before him. It really pisses me off that she doesn't seem to pay for the kids now they are in Uni. She does take them on holiday. We do not as he can't afford his own holiday, he did ask me once and I said absolutely not. I am a very high earner, he was also, and she makes much less although a higher earner.

And no he's always paid for the kids right up until he lost his job.

The only thing i do know about my DH is that he not an arse

OP posts:
Original poster
BonneMaman77 · 30/03/2020 22:44

type too slow previous message responding to Winter

OP posts:
Original poster
BonneMaman77 · 30/03/2020 22:49

rvby !! your message made me wince, fair but tough. He is a great husband, works damn f* hard as i've never worked before to get his start-up going.

bunny, he has no earnings. after he lost his job for about a year he continued paying from his savings which he spent. The start-up has been expensive. from then on i have been paying.

OP posts:
Aderyn19 · 30/03/2020 22:50

I don't think he has the luxury of spending years on a start up if he has financial obligations to his children and ex wife.
I think that if you agreed to him quitting a job to start a business then there is a moral obligation to help him financially because you are a married couple and it's a shared life. But I think you were mad to agree.

Aderyn19 · 30/03/2020 22:51

Sorry, I missed that he lost his job. But I do think he needs to get another if his commitments are sucking all of your money

WatchingFromTheWings · 30/03/2020 22:55

If the kids are in uni, surely there is no maintenance to pay anyway?? Child maintenance goes no further than A-levels or equivalent.

Winterlife · 30/03/2020 23:00

OP, a promissory note is evidence of a legally enforceable debt obligation. You can have a solicitor prepare one for you. You should ask if it needs to be “refreshed” to remain enforceable (i.e. is it subject to a statute of limitations?).

Pulpfiction1 · 30/03/2020 23:06

Is this a fucking joke.

I think him and his ex are scamming you love.

You don't pay maintenance on kids once they are 18.

You're paying him and his ex wife's mortgage for them with I assume no stake on the property. And funding his ex wife's life and funding his life.

You have no obligation to pay either of them anything. If they can't afford the mortgage they need to sell the home and his ex can start supporting herself.

You need to take a step back and realise what is going on here.

Techway · 30/03/2020 23:08

How long did you know him before marriage? Did he have a job previously that would sustain his commitments?

It is fine to be supportive but not if it causes resentment. It seems you are giving more than is comfortable so your dh will have to compromise to move towards more financial equality. If he works long hours are you responsible for household care as well?

BunnytheBee · 30/03/2020 23:11

I don't think he has the luxury of spending years on a start up if he has financial obligations to his children and ex wife.

I knew someone would say this. If a couple were together, no one would say one partner shouldn’t start a new enterprise even it if meant the other person picking up some slack, especially if they’d had no choice (lost their job) or expected to make more in the long run for the good of all the family.

But you do sound like you are paying for a lot OP. Do you have more money than sense?

Mutedgrey · 30/03/2020 23:19

OP. I’m not going to tell you that your partner is an arse or any such thing. You clearly say he isn’t. It sounds as though he really wants his start up to work and has found a way to do it without upsetting his ex wife and his children. You have been an incredibly supportive by funding it all.
But you need to stop before you grow to really resent him. If he was still with his old family they would all be taking a big financial hit if he did this start up. You’ve just been kindly cushioning them from all of that for years. But I would say, that’s enough.

How old are his children?

billy1966 · 30/03/2020 23:24

OP, this sounds like a truly extraordinary set up.

Can you imagine a man paying for the home of his wife's ex husband and children...into their university years and their own father wasn't contributing....

I think you have been sold a complete pup....Hmm

Sushiroller · 30/03/2020 23:36

You've mugged yourself off here big style.

You make into 6 figures and cant afford a holiday???? Shock Shock
They are playing you like connect four

SpringCrow · 30/03/2020 23:40

This is like that Agatha Christie set up in Death on the Nile, but with the added bizarreness of child maintenance for adult DC.

BuzzingtheBee · 30/03/2020 23:42

His dcs are at uni?

SpringCrow · 30/03/2020 23:43

There's a poster who used to post a lot about adult step-DC and access arrangements and maintenance and her DP under various names. If it was real, she being mugged off too.

PersonaNonGarter · 30/03/2020 23:48

OP, do you have a stake in the new business? Proper equity?

If you feel that you are being personally compensated for his work (even if it is a risk) then I can understand. If you don’t have equity then you need a lawyer to resolve some of this.

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