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Original poster

Second wife tale?

151 replies

BonneMaman77 · 30/03/2020 22:13

I remarried three years ago and went from being a newly single woman to paying for maintenance of new husband's kid's and their mortgage on the home the kids live with their mother. Plus his half of our life. He lost his job a few months before we got married and was in any case, focused on his start-up.

The start-up has a lot of potential and he works really hard on it. He is the hardest working man i know. It is in a good place with good investors and potential clients. Still, potential not done. I am tiring of this life where i am the breadwinner and wonder for how long this will go on. Before a I moved to a new job about a year ago with a huge pay-rise I was eating into my savings and have halved it. I resent not being able to afford the life i want for me and us because of the expense for the kids.

How do deal with this?

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 30/03/2020 23:49

If a child is at university they do not qualify for maintenance through the Child Maintenance Service and as a general rule the court will not make an order to support them. ... A child over 18 years can make an application for financial support if they are in education as detailed above.

rvby · 30/03/2020 23:52

@BonneMaman77 sorry to sound so blunt OP, it just really seems a shocking setup for you.

Does he make it worth your while, at least?

Also, why is he paying maintenance for children who are in uni?

My dp would likely pay my expenses if I lost a job and had to start a business... but it would mean i stopped paying maintenance as well. That's how maintenance works. I certainly wouldn't be going cap in hand to DP in order to pay that to my ex...??

It's also why I wouldn't start a business while I was meant to pay maintenance - too risky for my DC whose father couldn't care for him properly without some support, sadly.

How would he respond to a renegotiation of terms on this OP? I suspect that would be a good indication of how much of a user he is tbh. Remember that you can be a very lovely, fun person, but still be using other people to fulfill your needs. If you're ok with that, that's fine. But you sound resentful so I assume you arent ok with it. Which is understandable.

offlikeabanger · 30/03/2020 23:57

A mortgage on an at least three bed house, plus maintenance for two adults?!

How much exactly, OP? Confused

offlikeabanger · 31/03/2020 00:01

And why would he paying the mortgage anyway? Doesn't that stop when the youngest is 18?

Shmithecat2 · 31/03/2020 00:08

Two things I can't quite wrap my head around;

1 - 3 years on is not 'start up'. Its a failure if it's not making any money
2 - if his kids are at uni, why is he paying maintenance?

There would be a '3', but I can't imagine any answer to 'why the fuck have you been paying maintenance for someone else's kids', so no point in asking really.

greenkit · 31/03/2020 00:58

He should pay a % based on his earnings
Same with the mortgage...

Just stop

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 31/03/2020 01:06

If he doesn’t have a job he shouldn’t be paying maintenance, you shouldn’t be covering for him, especially if you resent doing it. If he doesn’t like it, tell him to sod “his dream” and to find a job, with the economy the way it is and will be he has almost a nil chance to get a start up off the ground for the next 2 years.

We all have great ideas and things we would dream to work in, but we need to feed our kids (or better said, we don’t have someone to foot the bill while we dream)

H1ghC0r0na · 31/03/2020 01:28

So he's got one woman cooking, cleaning and loving his children and he has another paying for it... and him, and his business.
Is there training for this sort of skill?

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 05:31

No-one decent would let you do this for three years. You've got yourself a dud I'm afraid - that's the real issue.

And CM should've stopped at 18. His kids could do what every other "kid" had to do whose parents cant provide for them and find their uni education .. get student loans and part time jobs.

Yeah if you can try to claw anything back from his business in future if and when it becomes profitable - I'd see a solicitor asap about it. At least you have bargaining power to get it set up cause you're paying for him, his ex wife and his kids (!) I imagine if you're now married (?) you might be entitled to some of the business anyway ... If and when it's worth anything.

If he'd been in normal circumstances, without making you his Mummy Warbucks, he'd either have wrapped up the business up by now or fine absolutely gone for leather to get it profitable; there's no urgency/desperation when somebody else holding everything up. But a decent person still wouldn't do this.

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 05:32

*fund

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 05:34

with the economy the way it is and will be he has almost a nil chance to get a start up off the ground for the next 2 years.

True - we're likely to be in another recession. And presumably it's likely to affect his business (?)

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 05:38

If he doesn’t have a job he shouldn’t be paying maintenance, you shouldn’t be covering for him

Before 18 I think CM would consider his household income - which is why you didn't marry someone like this (not sure if they can consider it if just cohabiting) .. after 18 "they" shouldn't be psying.

And by they i mean op.

So he's got one woman cooking, cleaning and loving his children and he has another paying for it... and him, and his business.
Is there training for this sort of skill?

Yeah he must have plenty of flannel and charm.

KatherineJaneway · 31/03/2020 05:50

How do deal with this?

You tell him to get a job. Three years with zero to show for it is not a successful business in my eyes. How did he lose his previois job? Interesting timing in hindsight.

notsuremate · 31/03/2020 05:58

Blimey. Tell this bloke to dump the start up and write a book/film YouTube videos for other blokes on “how to get women to support you” !! He’s got it made. Three years!! You’re being taken for a ride. Why are you paying the mortgage if his kids are at Uni!! Seriously. The kids have left. The house gets sold. You shouldn’t be maintaining a house for his ex wife! His share in that now needs to be realised. Kids are now adults and shouldn’t get money from you. Have you even had legal advice on what you should be paying? Just say no more. You’re not paying anymore. You do know that right now anyone with a mortgage can get a “mortgage holiday” because of corona. So the ex isn’t paying anything out but receiving money from you? You’ve been absolutely shafted and I’m honestly surprised that somebody who earns as much as you do doesn’t have more acumen about her to know this isn’t right and cut this off immediately. The ex is having double bubble right now! Plus the kids aren’t kids. Adults if at uni and eligible for students loans to fund study like most other students do. Get legal advice ASAP on how to recoup the money you’ve been conned out of. Ring your bank and stop the DD right now.

Beautiful3 · 31/03/2020 06:00

It's your fault. Stop paying it.

ibizarocks · 31/03/2020 06:01

I'm a first wife and I'm horrified that you are paying for his children. I don't think the issue is the fact you are a second wife, it is your husband not meeting HIS responsibilities both to yourself and his children.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/03/2020 06:21

You are clearly highly skilled. If this were your business or your job, would you allow it to run in this way.

Stop paying. Right now. Today. Please.

user1493413286 · 31/03/2020 06:30

I think you need to put a deadline on this; if it was meant to be 6 months and has turned into 3 years then it’s just going to go on and on. I can kind of understand why you’d do it for 6 months as you love your DH and want to support him but this has gone on too long now and the resentment will impact your relationship even more as you go on.

TheTeenageYears · 31/03/2020 06:48

I can understand your DH wanting to support his DC post sixth form but this is his obligation and should be a joint responsibility with his ex. Why is there a contribution to a mortgage still or is the family home yet to be sold and profits split? Presumably if the DC need somewhere to stay in uni holidays they could stay with you so there is no reason why ex shouldn’t be living to her means including living in a house she can afford on her own. Staying in ‘the family home’ is a luxury, not a necessity.

Continuing to finance DH’s half of your joint life is one thing but paying for the above is just ridiculous. I would explore whatever options there are to ensure you are protected financially moving forwards. Even if you need to draw up a legal loan agreement to cover all the costs to date which your DH is legally liable to pay you back. What if you were to split up? I would also be looking at wills and the legal set up of the start up to ensure there’s no way of the ex benefiting, particularly from the money you’ve invested in the relationship.

BunnytheBee · 31/03/2020 08:51

Before 18 I think CM would consider his household income

No. It is only based on his income so if he is not earning anything then he wouldn’t be obligated to pay anything.

GilbertMarkham · 31/03/2020 09:01

No. It is only based on his income so if he is not earning anything then he wouldn’t be obligated to pay anything.

The reason I thought that is that a poster on here said her DC couldn't get some help with uni because her new husbands income was considered in their household income, even though he wasn't their dad.

So I thought it might be similar with CM.

In that case, by fk had op been rinsed.

BunnytheBee · 31/03/2020 09:17

The reason I thought that is that a poster on here said her DC couldn't get some help with uni because her new husbands income was considered in their household income, even though he wasn't their dad.

Other children in the house are considered eg if he had children with OP but I’m not sure if that would count if they are not his children.

They only take into account his income though.

Eg my DH has 2 children. He pays CSM only ever based on his income. When he’s been out of work he is assessed to pay. They have never taken into account my income. If we had more children they’d take that into account.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 31/03/2020 09:58

They are in uni. Let them get loans or their mum can support them. Their father is not in a position to help. They’ve have a good run but they are adults now.

otterhound · 31/03/2020 10:06
  1. You dont pay maintenance once the kids leave school.
  1. I hope you legally own an equal share in the business with dh - you are an investor after all
  1. Make sure you have documentation to prove you are paying the mortgage on the ex family home.
Windyatthebeach · 31/03/2020 10:09

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