Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Second wife tale?

151 replies

BonneMaman77 · 30/03/2020 22:13

I remarried three years ago and went from being a newly single woman to paying for maintenance of new husband's kid's and their mortgage on the home the kids live with their mother. Plus his half of our life. He lost his job a few months before we got married and was in any case, focused on his start-up.

The start-up has a lot of potential and he works really hard on it. He is the hardest working man i know. It is in a good place with good investors and potential clients. Still, potential not done. I am tiring of this life where i am the breadwinner and wonder for how long this will go on. Before a I moved to a new job about a year ago with a huge pay-rise I was eating into my savings and have halved it. I resent not being able to afford the life i want for me and us because of the expense for the kids.

How do deal with this?

OP posts:
TigerKingisMental · 31/03/2020 10:26

3 years is long enough and tbh in the current climate his business is probably not going to be successful.

You need to stop subsidising them both and let them deal with the situation themselves.

I'm sorry OP but regardless of how hard he works you are being a mug.

bluerad · 31/03/2020 10:33

My husband's settlement stated that he had to pay cm until the end of a first degree or until the child got a job. So his 18 year old son is living at home doing a levels and receiving cm. When he hit 18 it was paid direct to him and not his mum.

Candyfloss99 · 31/03/2020 10:38

This is absolutely ridiculous. Stop paying any money towards any of this right away. He can find a job of it still needs paid.

BackseatCookers · 31/03/2020 10:43

So he's got one woman cooking, cleaning and loving his children and he has another paying for it... and him, and his business. Is there training for this sort of skill?

This.

You say he's not an arse OP and I trust you on that.

You say he's the hardest working person you know.

BUT

You are a safety net for him and that is to an extent being an enabler.

As someone who did set up a business from scratch that was very successful, I can tell you part of the drive that got me there was having no safety net. It had to work.

And if after three years it hadn't taken off then I would have gone back into the workforce because not having an income was not an option.

Three years is long enough to get a business off the ground. It hasn't taken off and so he needs to provide an alternative income.

I'd be saying this regardless of gender or childcare - he's an adult who needs to pay his way in life. He's had a chance to do this through running a business but it hasn't worked.

You sound ace and have your head screwed on. Someone doesn't have to be a horrible person to take advantage of you - he's not horrible but he's got a safety net and it's not helping him be his best self.

puds11 · 31/03/2020 10:49

This sounds bonkers! Surely a start up that’s not ‘up’ within 3 bloody years isn’t a viable business?? Also paying maintenance on uni kids?

Ask yourself why is he happy to watch you break your back to fund his life style and children?

Pumpkinpie1 · 31/03/2020 10:49

I think you need to take a step back & think. I think you are realising something isn’t right you should not be funding your H ex & children!
If this was happening to a friend how would you advice them?

billy1966 · 31/03/2020 10:58

OP, they mustn't be able to believe their luck....a single woman voluntarily paying for a whole family, homes, including university educations.....and he asked for holidays as wellHmmConfused......

They must be toasting their good fortune every day...

I honestly think I must not know what love is.....because if thats it....I'll happily pass....

Protect yourself OP....they really are taking the piss...the whole lot of themFlowers

goldpartyhat · 31/03/2020 10:59

Actually there can be a legal obligation to pay maintenance for children over 18 if they are in full time education. The mother cannot apply to the court for this but the child can (as they are adults). This is only granted though if the father can afford to pay without detriment to his new family, so it's really a rich mans obligation. I don't think this applies to the OPs husband, it seems purely voluntary to pay. Therefore in his circumstances he needs to stop and the children take out grants.

Why is he paying his wife maintenance when he has no significant income? He needs to stop this. If you have money from your earnings it makes more sense to pump it into the business to get it profitable sooner. All maintenance to his first family needs to stop. His ex wife earns so she will have to manage herself and downsize, now her children are at uni. If there is a remaining child at home and you feel really obliged pay the statuary amount of maintenance to that child only.

Your husband has put his first family above you for long enough. You exist too and you have a right to a life, not an existence.

goldpartyhat · 31/03/2020 11:00

And ffs, why are you paying for his ex wife's mortgage?

Honeyroar · 31/03/2020 11:05

We still pay maintenance while my stepson is at uni. Directly to him though.

MsPavlichenko · 31/03/2020 12:38

He might well be working hard. It's not translating into actual cash/salary. If he was a high earner, and still has the capacity to do so surely he needs to look at getting back into employment.

You gave him six months. He has had that times five. Time for a realistic discussion /ultimatum.

Pumpkinpie1 · 31/03/2020 12:47

Your husband is not paying for his adult children & EX You Are ! 3 years is long enough !
You need to stop paying literally to make this relationship work !
If he loves you he will understand
Don’t sign away anymore of your financial safety net .

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/03/2020 13:21

1 - Three years on is not 'start up'. Its a failure if it's not making any money
2 - if his kids are at uni, why is he paying maintenance?

You beat me to it
I totally get the agreement to pick up the costs for 6 months - even a year - while he established something which would be worth it in the end, but not when it's got to three years and you're still paying

Sorry, but intentionally or not I think he's got himself a nice little roost there and I'd be having some very hard conversations very soon, before you find yourself left with nothing

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/03/2020 13:24

and he asked for holidays as well

Dear god, I missed that bit Hmm

He really does know which side his bread's buttered doesn't he?

Original poster
BonneMaman77 · 31/03/2020 14:02

The payment for the kids now is their accommodation and food while they are both at university. Not maintenance since they started uni, sorry. The mortgage, the house is still in both DH and ex-W's names, the divorce settlement is that he continues to pay for the mortgage and they share the equity when they sell the house.

The youngest started uni last year and the oldest the year before. Practically, it has not made sense to sell the house since then as they come to London 1/2 a month and stay in the house. We live in a flat in London and they visit us each time but very rarely stay. I get on really well with the kids there is much love, still, I prefer they stay in the house and not with us for more than a night or two.

They divorced 15 years ago and since the start-up there has been little in the way of nice-to-haves, he's taken the kids on holidays once every two years', low spend on gifts etc. Since we got together I have insisted on my lifestyle and holidays and have paid for him, otherwise I may as well have not had a relationship with him.

DH has always said first thing we do when he makes any money is reinstate my savings and payback all the money to me. But nothing written down. I don't own a stake. But we are married and I enabled him to build this so i am confident in owning half of it in court any day. I know the business quite well and it is a viable business and innovative and he is building tech to catch up with it. Even this week he is raising financing with investors money coming in.

I suppose what i wanted help with is how I can continue to fund, how not to feel resentment - from others who have been in this place before. The way i looked at this back then and more often than not, even now, is that i am supporting my DH in his dream. If the kids were ours wouldn't i do this and why does it matter if they are not mine. But if they were mine, they'd have jobs ffs! of course, there is no point talking about that in the current. circumstances.

OP posts:
Original poster
BonneMaman77 · 31/03/2020 14:10

I must add, when we first got together i was making 30% of what i make now. He was always more keen on me and i was on him. Just before we got engaged and married 3-3.5 years ago i was on 50% of what i make now and could not have afforded his bills for long which we discussed. So I know he isn't with me for the money.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/03/2020 14:13

Bloody hell, why are you paying for the kids at uni? Why aren’t they taking maintenance loans, and why are you paying for him and her to own a house.

Whatever your husband is, he’s a proper user, no one with a sense of decency would permit this to continue. They are all using you.

forumdonkey · 31/03/2020 14:17

FFS, if their DM can't afford to pay for uni accomodation and their DF can't, why are you?

If exw is a high earner, why doesn't she buy your DH out?

I find this crazy and still think you're being a complete mug

TigerKingisMental · 31/03/2020 14:32

Sorry OP but none of them come off looking good in this situation. You want to see your DH as a good guy but you are being used whatever way you slice it. I also wouldn't be too confident about getting 50% of the business if you split up, there are many ways to get round this.

BunnytheBee · 31/03/2020 14:36

I suppose what i wanted help with is how I can continue to fund, how not to feel resentment

So you do feel resentment? That won’t just go away Op.

My situation is not the same but there are some similarities. I’m married to SH. DH has two teenage children. I earn a fair bit more than DH. I’ve never paid for anything big like the kids’ uni expenses or their mother’s mortgage but, because I earn more, I pay more towards our mortgage, bills, car, food, petrol, any holidays, any work we have done, any “extras”.

We warned the same when we met but he’d been made redundant. I got promoted and a big pay rise. It started off as a temporary thing but it ended up that DH actually went for a lower paid job on the basis “money is important to him” but actually it’s not important because he knows he can rely on me.

He is not likely to ever be in a position to pay me back.

Your DH knows he can rely on you and I doubt he’ll be in a position to pay you back either.

If you’re already resenting it then it will only get worse.

wonderrotunda · 31/03/2020 14:39

If the uni students learn to budget on their student loans that will be a great gift to give them - independence

SybilWrites · 31/03/2020 14:40

I think it's bollocks that people don't support their kids when they're at university. Everyone I know supports their children - whether they're divorced or not. I don't think that's the issue here. if he and his ex have decided that they are funding the children through university (and most people do fund their children to some degree), then you have to accept that. You can't tell him just to stop funding them.

The issue is that your dh is taking you for a ride and you're being a mug letting him. it's all very well having a dream but it's costing you lots of money. You need to put your foot down or get out of this relationship, or just accept that you are funding him on his stupid little dream.

(a start up after 3 years isn't a start up, it's a failure).

The issues between him and his ex and their arrangements are nothing to do with you. The issue is that you are funding it - this is between you and your partner.

fwiw my ex is similar. He jacked in a well paid job and lives a charmed life doing not very much, but jetting all over the place. His gf funds him (and he continues to fund his children). if his gf told him to stop funding his children I'd be really pissed off. he needs to get a proper job and provide for his own children.

Amotherof6 · 31/03/2020 14:45

Wow
Adult children dependent on you for accommodation costs... let them pay their own... loans etc as other adults do.
Ex wife taking you for a mug.

I feel for you... but it's your choice to carry on or do something about it …
It does feel like you are being taken for a mug though

forrestgreen · 31/03/2020 14:52

I'd be asking for that house to be sold
I'd be asking why the children aren't taking out the loans to live on.

I'd stop funding their lives tbh

CrotchetyQuaver · 31/03/2020 15:03

I think 3 years on from agreeing to find it for 6 months, it's perfectly reasonable for you to withdraw your financial support. It sounds like a bottomless pit