Second wife tale?

[BonneMaman77]

I remarried three years ago and went from being a newly single woman to paying for maintenance of new husband's kid's and their mortgage on the home the kids live with their mother. Plus his half of our life. He lost his job a few months before we got married and was in any case, focused on his start-up.

The start-up has a lot of potential and he works really hard on it. He is the hardest working man i know. It is in a good place with good investors and potential clients. Still, potential not done. I am tiring of this life where i am the breadwinner and wonder for how long this will go on. Before a I moved to a new job about a year ago with a huge pay-rise I was eating into my savings and have halved it. I resent not being able to afford the life i want for me and us because of the expense for the kids.

How do deal with this?

OP I would get some legal advice now, before the convo with your DH. That way you will be sure of your ground and what you need to get by way of a resolution. Good luck.

He put his feet up when he met you :-/

OP is paying the mortgage of the house occupied by DH’s ex, the kids no longer live there. Doesn’t that mean that OP to pay for another woman’s mortgage?

The Op is paying the mortgage for her husbands house that he owns jointly with his ex. He’s doing that to protect his financial interests in that property and he will benefit when it’s sold.

That’s what was agreed in his divorce settlement. It’s not a favour to his ex.

I think the Ops daft to fund this but that’s by the by. The OP agreed to it and it makes financial sense for him.

It’s not his ex wife’s fault.

That’s what was agreed in his divorce settlement..
Doubt his divorce settlement said "my next partner will pay my half (or wherever proportion) of the mortgage for the foreseeable future.

He knew he was putting all his - his - financial responsibilities onto op and he knows he's extended that two and a half years what was initially agreed (which was a bit user-y to begin eith) to date, he's taking the utter piss.

And if his ex and adult kids know who's footing the bill for everything tbh they're kinda c*nts too.

It all smacks if what happens to high earners with their family, friends etc. if they don't have very good boundaries ... They just become a gravy train.

I can understand supporting him, but not the ex wife and the uni aged kids. I find it hard to understand how he could even let you to be honest. Its not like you have been in their lives all their lives however fond you are of them now. They all seem to be taking total advantage of you and his ex wife lives a more privileged life than you with your money

I can understand how life gets in the way and a few months stop gap helping snowballs but you really need to put a stop to it. In my experience gratitude becomes expectation and entitlement where they stop being thankful and start getting resentful if you don't keep giving or perhaps even giving more. They lose all perspective

You really need a serious conversation, say you are stopping paying her mortgage and for the kids, they need uni loans and jobs like every other college student out there if their "parents" can't afford it. What would they do if you were not in the picture. His reaction will tell you everything but I expect he will ask for more "time" and hope you put it on the long finger
I wish you the best of luck

Op you are married so there really isn't a split in resources in the eyes of the law.

What is his is yours and what is yours is his, includes debt and assets.

I bet your dh is attractive, kind, polite and gives the impression he works very hard and is very good at helping around the home and in bed, yes?

So this is your trade off for what you provide for him. He gives you equal benefit in kind for what you provide financially.

If, as you say, you are feeling resentment then it tells you your gut instinct has smelled a rat.

Could he be making out he is working hard while you are around but put his feet up when you're not? You could surprise him or eavesdrop or snoop to find out.

Did he really have a job before he met you? Find out for sure ( don't rely on what he says).

Most grown men would feel uncomfortable and / or emasculated sponging off their richer or solvent wives others take advantage of it for their own ends.

Good luck in taking off the rose tinted glasses and being objective in what you want to gain from the truth.

I don't agree that this is the ex wife's fault. From her perspective she has a legally binding agreement with her ex husband. So long as he's meeting it, that's where her interest ends. It's not her fault that he's palmed it off onto you.
I go back to my original statement that start ups are a luxury that not everyone can afford. Not if they have obligations already and no way of meeting them without relying on their new spouse.

I don't agree it's the ex wife's fault either. I have a legally binding agreement with my ex. He decided to jack his job in (similarly to the OP's partner). He still has to abide by that agreement - I don't expect his partner to fund him. She has a choice.

It sounds like you didn’t know your husband that long before marrying him? You say you were Newly single , working & with savings. Vulnerable?
It doesn’t sound as if your husband brought much stability to your relationship? He brought an Ex, ex marital home & grown up children /adults & an a lifestyle he couldn’t afford - no job. Did you pay for your own wedding & honeymoon?
On the other hand you’ve invested time, savings, you sound like instead of slowing down & enjoying your life , you’ve had to take on more work to fund his dreams, his ex family, kids & 2 households.
I hear a lot about what you are giving but not about what he’s brought to your relationship
Financial abuse can be delivered with honey as well as
A charming man can change when his revenue source runs dry.
What do your family & friends think about him? Or have you been seeing less of them ?

i do want talk it out with him armed with some of the sage advice i have received here. I will then get legal advice on where i stand financially. His reaction and response and actual subsequent changes will tell me whether he is using me or not.

NO. NO. NO. See the lawyer first.

Couple of Qs:

Why did his marriage fail?

What was his RS history after the marriage and before meeting you?

Why did he lose his job?

Did he look for other jobs?

Was the start up his first choice or his back up?

What are his timelines for the startup?

When did he propose?

Was it clear that your income would double?

Are you younger than him?

Are you planning your own family?

What is the agreed timescale for the sale of the family home?

OP, i think you've been more than generous for long enough.
It's time to pull back.

His mortgage and maintenance is NOT your responsibility.
He should have thought about that before setting up his 'start-up'.....but i guess he just thought "OP has the money, i'll let her pay".

He needs a job with a regular income....and don't be so sure you'll get anything back from his 'start-up', it needs to be making serious money before that can happen.

Your finances are being drained and have been since you got married....think about that.
I'd stop the payments, they can sell the house and the kids can get loans and jobs to pay for themselves.

Neither him or his ex will take personal responsibility for their mess if you carry on financing their cushy lives.

I can’t see bad language op

Who owns the flat you live in? Was it yours before - or did you buy it jointly together?

How long were you out of your marriage before you met this guy?

Why did your original marriage fail?

How long did you date before he proposed?

Has YOUR contribution to his DCs INCREASED over the years to now include rents and food at uni (x2) for 3 years from the contributions you made in the early days of your RS when DCs were still living at home.

Is this the timeline:

You were newly single with savings.

You met this guy who had just lost his job who was funding his then teenage children and ex wife with his “savings”.

He proposed in the year after he lost his job whilst he was living on his depleting savings to support his ex w and DCs.

You have have been married for the 3 year duration of the “start up” and your financial support has gone beyond the agreed 6 months. You have depleted YOUR savings and used YOUR earnings to pay for the mortgage on his ex marital home and as well as increasing to fund his DCs at uni.

The ex wife lives in an empty HOUSE most of the year, goes on holiday which YOU pay for whilst you live in a FLAT and don’t go on holiday?

If you were to leave your DH now would you be able to claim a % of the ex family home you have paid the mortgage on and/or the start up you have inVested in?

Glad you're getting legal advice and do it before speaking to him. I feel really sorry for you OP. You're too nice basically.

I don’t think this situation has evolved because the OP is “too nice” - it has evolved because her DH is “not nice”.

She has been financially exploited over a long period of time. No doubt he love bombed her and is absolutely charming.

But a “nice” man would not do this.

This is not kind and respectful behaviour - it’s exploitative and calculated.

Interesting that “investors” are just now showing up to finance the “start-up” - possibly because “D”H has sensed the resentment and the OP closing in.

And then tells everyone on the thread they’re offensive. And no one is

He saw you coming!

Crikey op wake up. Posters on this thread, whatever their choice of language, are far less offensive than the way your ‘d’h has treated you for the entirety of your marriage.

Three years is not a start up... it’s a failed business. Stop being a mug and document what you are owed. You’ll end up with nothing.

How are you doing, OP? Did you speak to your husband?

As it hasn't by now over several years, I don't believe his 'business' will ever amount to much.

His kids shouldn't be living off you/getting so much from you- that isn't fair and they should realize that- but of course it's in their interests not to think of it that way. They could get loans like most other students. They don't have to pay it back until they're earning an above average income- if they ever do.

Ok, sorry to say this but I agree with everyone else. I did similar, didn’t pay ex wife’s mortgage or to children (they were older) but did 100% fund boyfriend to ‘get his business up and running’. I provided home, food, spends, everything whilst he ‘worked’ at his business. I agreed to do this for a maximum of a year. 5 years later nothing had changed and The resentment I felt killed every spark of feeling I had ever had ... if you husband will talk to you, recognise that this is not reasonable and provide clear legally binding protection for you, then you have a chance ... if he gets angry, accusatory, defensive or sulky ... it’s over ... sorry but it is . Resentment kills relationships stone dead.

Update: I asked him why he thought it is OK to have me pay for his previous life and what he has done to minimise that cost and why his ex pays nil for the kids when I do. It did not take him long to apologise, tell me everything he was doing to minimise and we agreed to further reduce which has since happened.

In addition he has secured the investment he was after which allows him to pay himself to cover kids rent and mortgage for former home etc. I still pick up our life costs and that I am fine with as that is what I agreed to. The product launches in September.

Thank you to all of you who helped at this time. In the scheme of relationship woes it may look silly but you were there for me. Thank you.

Lesson for me is to be clear and open about my feelings, it is always valid. If they care for you they will help you out of rabbit holes. To know that you can be vulnerable safely is the mark of a good relationship.

I think you should be made a director or have some official stake in the business since you've invested it and supported him. Why wouldn't you?