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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh spoiled Mother’s Day - again.

83 replies

Muddytoes1 · 22/03/2020 14:59

Does anyone else have this? Vast vast majority of the time my dh is wonderful. Really kind to me, funny, takes great care of the kids, does tonnes of domestic stuff (probably more than me). I always feel super lucky to have him but.... he has this weird thing on days which are supposed to be about me. So today for example started great - you know the routine, brekkie in bed, flowers went for a nice (remote!) walk and then this afternoon he just went apeshit at our 4yo for not listening properly. She wasn’t even being particularly naughty was just putting too much water on some of his new plants in the garden and accidentally damaged one. He’d asked her to stop and she hadn’t. Normally with this kind of thing he’d be really calm and deal with it really carefully and calmly. Was out in the garden shouting and swearing as if she’d set fire to the garage or something! I told him off and told him to go upstairs and calm down which is what I presume he’s doing now. But it’s weird - I’ve noticed he’s done this before. Twice on Mother’s Day and a couple of times on my birthday and I think he’s done it on the morning of job interviews before too. It’s so weird and so rare but this morning when it was all lovely I already had a feeling it was going to happen, I normally end up really upset but because I was expecting it today I’ve just shrugged it off and got on with it. What is it about these days which sets him off? I don't want to just LTB as for the absolute majority of the one he is a wonderful human being.

OP posts:

HannaYeah · 22/03/2020 15:02

What was his childhood like? So many people have issues on holidays because of past bad experience.

Original poster

Muddytoes1 · 22/03/2020 15:18

As far as I can tell magical. Him and his brother are always reminiscing with his dad and they have a great relationship with him. His mum does when he was 21, younger than most I guess but still not like he was a child. Might explain the Mother’s Day reaction but birthdays? He ruined my birthday when dd knocked over some tea and a similar reaction happened.

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Original poster

Muddytoes1 · 22/03/2020 15:19

His mother died that should read

OP posts:

Cambionome · 22/03/2020 15:20

Yes my ex-h was always like this at Christmas. He had never had a really happy Christmas, I know - still no excuse for ruining it for everyone else for years though.

Littleshortcake · 22/03/2020 15:21

That's really strange behaviour. He sounds like a good man but something is boiled up inside him. Maybe it's the death of his mother that's hurting him still.

Cambionome · 22/03/2020 15:22

Sorry, cross post.

Could it be because he wants everything to be about him all the time?

Oakmaiden · 22/03/2020 15:22

Of course, it is possible that you just notice it more on days which should be about you.

I don't think I would let one incident ruin the day.

(I think you "telling him off" and sending him upstairs is a bit odd, too - but let's not go there...)

Babooshkar · 22/03/2020 15:22

His mother dying at 21 is very significant I would say. Losing someone so important and integral to your life at such a young adult age can have a HUGE impact.

Original poster

Muddytoes1 · 22/03/2020 15:23

Have just got upset and had a go at him and am now crying upstairs. I asked why it was always on these particular days and he just said “every day is about you, I’m nice to you all the time”. There’s definitely something about these specific days about the focus being on me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Muddytoes1 · 22/03/2020 15:26

@Oakmaiden sorry yeh I did word that weird. What I meant was because I was sort of expecting it this time I didn’t just break down into tears and go and sob in a corner like I normally do. I meant I stood up to him about it and told him to go and stay upstairs until he’d calmed down enough to be ok in front of the kids.

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Cambionome · 22/03/2020 15:28

Sounds like a selfish twat. I guess you don't make awful, upsetting scenes about things on Father's Day just to ruin everything for him/make sure all the attention is on you?

Original poster

Muddytoes1 · 22/03/2020 15:29

Thanks @Babooshkar I’m sure you are right but why then on random days like job interviews etc. Maybe @Oakmaiden is right I just notice more on special days.

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merryhouse · 22/03/2020 15:29

Your job interviews or his?

If his: I get the impression he may be stressed - he wants the day to go well for you and the kids are not fully cooperating - because they're 4

If yours: well, either he gets vicariously stressed or he doesn't like the attention being on you

FlowerArranger · 22/03/2020 15:30

You say you think he’s done it on the morning of job interviews before too. This, more than anything, would worry me. What's that all about? This would be considered mean... can you tell us more? Why would he want to torpedo your professional career?

merryhouse · 22/03/2020 15:31

oooh, cross-post. He thinks it's because he doesn't like the attention being on you...

Nighttimefreedom · 22/03/2020 15:32

"every day is about you, I’m nice to you all the time” maybe he feels you don't appreciate him and then on these extra special days he feels resentful?

Hard to explain if he really is a nice normal guy the rest of the time.

Original poster

Muddytoes1 · 22/03/2020 15:34

@Cambionome haha no - Father’s Day is always nice. He says no one appreciates all the efforts he goes to. But is that a man thing? No woman expects constant congratulations for doing all the jobs. He does do a lot but I do really try hard to say thanks and acknowledge what he does. He also works a part time, hobby type job whereas I am the main breadwinner and work full time. Writing this out I’m now thinking there may be more to unpick.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/03/2020 15:34

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Has he ever had counselling or therapy re his mother dying when he was 21?.

He should apologise to his daughter for shouting at her like he did; his reaction was disproportionate to the "offence". That anger has come from somewhere and it may well be linked to my above paragraph. There are some unresolved issues re him here and he is acting like this for a reason.

It appears that he is not as nice as you think he is towards you; he is always spoiling "your" days be it your birthday or mothers day or for that matter any other occasion that you are at the forefront of. He comes across as being resentful that you are somehow being celebrated as a person. I presume you do not act like he does when its his birthday for instance.

Original poster

Muddytoes1 · 22/03/2020 15:36

yes It happened once on lending of a job interview I had. I do try my best to appreciate him but I am working full time with 12 hours commuting a week (before CV) and still up all night with the baby who is still thinks she needs breastfeeding at night (she doesn’t - but that’s a separate thread!)

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/03/2020 15:37

"He says no one appreciates all the efforts he goes to. But is that a man thing?"

No that is HIS thing. You are right; there is certainly more to be unpicked. I am also wondering whether he resents you working full time (and thus earning more) whilst he is part time. What is the power and control balance here like in your relationship?.

Original poster

Muddytoes1 · 22/03/2020 15:38

Yes he did have counselling, a couple of years back which he found really helpful. I absolutely adore him and we have a lot of fun together. He makes me laugh and we are just silly together I guess.

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Original poster

Muddytoes1 · 22/03/2020 15:40

I guess we do have quite a role reversed relationship. I never complain about his super fun, v low paid job though as it makes him happy and he has time then to do loads round the house and with the kids. I don’t like my job but I’m happy to do it to bring the money in.

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Original poster

Muddytoes1 · 22/03/2020 15:40

Thanks so much for talking to me about this. Never really opened up like this before.

OP posts:

Cambionome · 22/03/2020 15:48

So you are the main breadwinner and are also up half the night with a young baby while he does a hobby-type job; and yet he is complaining about not getting enough appreciation....

Hmm.

FlowerArranger · 22/03/2020 15:59

He also works a part time, hobby type job whereas I am the main breadwinner and work full time. ... his super fun, v low paid job though as it makes him happy ... I don’t like my job but I’m happy to do it to bring the money in...

I see. And you're up with the baby every night. Plus you commute more than 2 hours a day?

Writing this out I’m now thinking there may be more to unpick

Indeed. How did this setup come about. Why is it okay for him to have fun-type hobby non-job, while you are slaving away in a job you dislike?

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