Dh spoiled Mother’s Day - again.

[Muddytoes1]

Does anyone else have this? Vast vast majority of the time my dh is wonderful. Really kind to me, funny, takes great care of the kids, does tonnes of domestic stuff (probably more than me). I always feel super lucky to have him but.... he has this weird thing on days which are supposed to be about me. So today for example started great - you know the routine, brekkie in bed, flowers went for a nice (remote!) walk and then this afternoon he just went apeshit at our 4yo for not listening properly. She wasn’t even being particularly naughty was just putting too much water on some of his new plants in the garden and accidentally damaged one. He’d asked her to stop and she hadn’t. Normally with this kind of thing he’d be really calm and deal with it really carefully and calmly. Was out in the garden shouting and swearing as if she’d set fire to the garage or something! I told him off and told him to go upstairs and calm down which is what I presume he’s doing now. But it’s weird - I’ve noticed he’s done this before. Twice on Mother’s Day and a couple of times on my birthday and I think he’s done it on the morning of job interviews before too. It’s so weird and so rare but this morning when it was all lovely I already had a feeling it was going to happen, I normally end up really upset but because I was expecting it today I’ve just shrugged it off and got on with it. What is it about these days which sets him off? I don't want to just LTB as for the absolute majority of the one he is a wonderful human being.

My mum died 8 years ago, so I get to be aggressive and rude on every mum-related day (the anniversary of her death, her birthday, Mother’s Day, etc)? No I do not.

I dated someone whose mum died when he was 20 and he’d go into a funk for the entire month of the month she died for years. He’s likely still doing it and he’s in his late 40’s now. I loved my mum, but people die, it’s a thing people do, especially older people. It is not a get out of jail free card for years and years. Many of my friends have now had their parents die, some have grieved deeply, some are cold-hearted buggers like me. None have used it as an excuse to scream and swear at small children.

I would hazard a guess that it’s a combination of missing his own mother, and also he’s so intent on making the day perfect for you. Put them together and he’s on edge, and more liable to snap whereas on a normal day he wouldn’t.

I think if he was deliberately setting out to undermine any special days for you, he wouldn’t be starting off with breakfast in bed etc - he’d be off for a round of golf with his mates, or wherever his particular vice is.

This also doesn’t seem symptomatic of any bigger issue as according to you he pulls his weight around the house, makes you laugh and so on.

Cut him some slack.

What he did is not ok. Definitely bring it up with him but maybe not today.

I would check if he really is happy with the set up re jobs and chores, but if he isn't now is his chance to address it, not hold on to resentment that comes bursting out at times like these and to an innocent child.

Cut him some slack definitely do not let shouting and swearing at a small child go unchecked.
That is never ok and he should be ashamed.

Thank you so much everyone. So many differing opinions. I get this Mother’s Day must be tough but if it was just about that it would only happen on Mother’s Day. No he hasn’t apologised to her or me and is sulking and saying I undermine him disciplining her. He’s currently trying to bath her but she’s kicking off because she wants ‘mummy to do it’. I’m going to order myself a takeaway and have a glass of wine and discuss it tomorrow. Don’t care how infrequent it is or how sad he is I am not having my tiny child screamed and sworn at.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he went to the counsellor after I encouraged him as he was struggling with OCD. She worked through a lot of stuff to do with his mum and did some eye movement therapy thing. He found it really helpful and OCD improved a lot.

Haven't read your whole post and he seems ok by your first one but...there is one sort of person who seek to ruin birthdays and some other holidays - narcissists. People with npd. They cant stand holidays and other peoples birthdays because they are about someone else/others and take attention from them.

He could be one, just at the lower end of the spectrum of it. Those sort generally arent as bad (provided they arent currently seeing you as 'the competition') as some of them. They just tend to come across as a little thoughtless, selfish and incapable of understanding why you are upset by obviously upsetting things (they DO understand they just dont want you to know they understand). People might describe them as headstrong or childish.

Not as malignant as some, but still..just not quite right.

Pribably not this but, I've seen it a lot and boy do they suck the fun out of your happy times and birthdays. So suggesting it fot consideration.

Having now read the rest...op he sounds manipulative. And on the day of your job interview...there seems to be an element of controlling-ness about it all don't you think? He definately sounds like he could be..
narcissistic in nature. Definately do some unpicking. Think about if there are times where you would expect a normal human to act a certain way and he just, hasn't. Examples around: defending you, comforting you, caring for you when you are sick ect...

Loosing your parent at 21 affects how you behave like this - really??? I say this as someone who went through this in a very traumatic way - before I was 21 - I think that is no excuse I am sorry but it isnt

@Wanderlust21 interesting. So I just went nc with my dad because he was a huge narcissist. Never thought about that with dh as he’s usually so kind and thoughtful (very unlike my dad). Will have a think. The sick thing rings a bell. Not that he doesn’t take care of me as he does but that he’s often ‘sicker’ with the same thing. To be honest I thought that was fairly standard with a lot of guys

Uh oh. Sounds familiar :/ Need to 'one up' you on things is common place in that sort.

I guess if worst comes to the worst, at least you didn't marry one as bad as your dad.

My exh ruined every birthday /occasion that wasn't about him.
Ruined my 40th tea party by insisting guests left when he wanted - so he could play the new xbox game he had to have because it wasn't fair the day was all about me..
He was an exh before my 41st..
Man child.

Are you retreading your posts? He's manipulating and controlling you on your special days! ACTUALLY you're doing the lions share of earning and difficult parenting while he's a Disney dad with a faux job. You sound very anxious about talking to him-why is that?

It does sound like he's resentful of you.

Do you truly pull your right at home?
I think I'd be a bit pissed off at a partner who hadn't done a food shop in 10 years. (And yes, I work full time).

No real answers op but my ex was like this. I'd say 90% of the time he was lovely, but he'd always find a way of sabotaging 'my' time, wether it was my birthday, Mother's Day, or days out with friends.

My light bulb moment was when I was supposed to be having a weekend with my girlfriends, just as I was about to leave he suddenly has to do some v important safely thing to my car (he was an engineer). He played it that it was for my safety, but I actually realised that this happened a lot. He'd package it 'for me' but actually it would always crop up when I was doing something, or it was something for me. He could have done it the day before, but suddenly it had to be done 5 minutes before I left. Meaning I either couldn't go, or was late, or my day was somehow ruined.

Once I saw this behaviour I couldn't unsee it, and it was like I could then see that he did it a lot, a lot of narcissism in his behaviour wrapped up in nice coloured paper and a bow.

I think it’s hard to manage men being in a domestic role - statistically women who work full time and have partners that don’t do more housework than those who work part time. OK you’re not doing the food, but that isn’t the worst housework. Mine did this, in a similar situation - argued with me if I had something important on at work (I stopped telling him). Even though we depended on the money I made he was trying to stop me doing well, maybe subconsciously. I think what you’re up against here is the patriarchy, gender roles and expectations....

I bet he wants everything to go so well that he gets stressed and angry when it isn't exactly right x

Thanks so much everyone. @GlassOfProsecco we do different stuff at home. So I do all the laundry, washing up, clean bathrooms etc. so yes I do a lot too (plus all the nights with baby). I’m crap at cooking (not surprisingly since I hardly ever do it) but he always says he is happy to. Just like I am happy to do all the tonnes of other stuff I do.

@copycopypaste that sounds worryingly familiar

@EKGEMS yes I do find it hard to talk to him about stuff as he doesn’t really listen that well or ‘hear’ me as such. When I bring stuff up he takes things very personally and is very defensive. He’s not great at hearing other people’s opinions even for single things for example on house wall colours and things like that.

I did talk him this evening but had to get really upset and keep repeating myself until he really got it. He then got very upset and says he feels really sad and ashamed . Don’t think I maybe handle it well but it’s hard to get through to him.

@Redredgreen I think you might be right. I think he was so hopeful his job would turn into more than it has and that must be very tough.

I see this as your husband wanting a perfect day, and reacting when it’s not, based on his perception.

Rather than having a go at him, why not ask him what’s upsetting him so much that he’s behaving out of character?

I know you can't do it now due to CV

Next year, plan a whole day out in the public somewhere & see if he acts weird in front of other people eg seaside, zoo, somewhere you would enjoy

It sounds like you really do pull your weight, OP. Mine was only happy if I was doing everything & hated being asked of anything. Such arrogance under his "Mr Nice" behaviour.

And yes, while there are gender roles/patriarchy etc. there are also narcissistic types who passively-aggressively punish, refuse to listen to your needs & are lovely on the surface. That's what's so confusing.

Mine used to sabotage me too. Little things like being so late back from work that I was then late for nights out etc. It was a horrible realisation & it led to a loss of trust. You can't trust someone who is sabotaging you.

Narcissistic behaviour is a spectrum- very few have a diagnosis but that doesn't mean that they can't be quite far along the spectrum in terms of traits.

Ps Narcissists can't cope with being challenged- that's maybe why he had the reaction when you confronted him. They just get defensive & refuse to accept responsibility- then blame/punish you.

Imo certain types of women take mothering day way too far.

Yes mothering Sunday because mothers day doesn't exist here. That's an American greeting card holiday in may.

Ours is the 4th sunday before lent (I think) and is about people returning home to family and their mother church iirc.

You got breakfast in bed, flowers, he is usually a very good guy...

Some women just have to ...everything has to be perfection or they cry mothers day from hell. My mother is like that.

I cant see he did anything. Perhaps chill out

Here we go. I wondered when someone would say narcissist @GlassOfProsecco gets the prize