Dh spoiled Mother’s Day - again.

[Muddytoes1]

Does anyone else have this? Vast vast majority of the time my dh is wonderful. Really kind to me, funny, takes great care of the kids, does tonnes of domestic stuff (probably more than me). I always feel super lucky to have him but.... he has this weird thing on days which are supposed to be about me. So today for example started great - you know the routine, brekkie in bed, flowers went for a nice (remote!) walk and then this afternoon he just went apeshit at our 4yo for not listening properly. She wasn’t even being particularly naughty was just putting too much water on some of his new plants in the garden and accidentally damaged one. He’d asked her to stop and she hadn’t. Normally with this kind of thing he’d be really calm and deal with it really carefully and calmly. Was out in the garden shouting and swearing as if she’d set fire to the garage or something! I told him off and told him to go upstairs and calm down which is what I presume he’s doing now. But it’s weird - I’ve noticed he’s done this before. Twice on Mother’s Day and a couple of times on my birthday and I think he’s done it on the morning of job interviews before too. It’s so weird and so rare but this morning when it was all lovely I already had a feeling it was going to happen, I normally end up really upset but because I was expecting it today I’ve just shrugged it off and got on with it. What is it about these days which sets him off? I don't want to just LTB as for the absolute majority of the one he is a wonderful human being.

@Cambionome ha when you put it like that! You don’t see me complaining.

I am wondering if he is in fact a nice and normal guy the rest of the time too.

I think he is highly resentful of you OP hence his reactions towards you on your ‘special’ days like Mother’s Day and your birthday. He certainly has it far easier work and home wise than you do and I would think he does not want that to change either.

And he tried to put you off your stroke when you had job interviews, the more you write about him the more I am beginning to wonder about red flags.

It’s just we really don’t fall out like this very much at all, that’s why I notice it so much. He’s always telling the kids how amazing I am and how proud he is of me. I haven’t made a meal or done the food shopping in 10 years without ever complaining( don’t worry I do do other domestic stuff!) it’s like just occasionally this angry human bubbles up and kicks off. Any other ‘nice’ occasion is fine like Xmas for example. He was as superstar getting me through PND when I first had the baby and never once made me feel bad when I was in a pretty hopeless way. V strange but you have all made some
Very valid points for me to reflect on. I am going to keep an eye on this over the next few months. Just went into the lounge and I think he’s been crying so think he feels bad.

Have you asked him how he’s feeling, is he ok?

Maybe he’s missing his mum on mum on Mother’s Day?

Hi,

My Mum died when I was 16 and I'm now a mother myself. Whilst it is YOUR mother's day for you and your children he may still be thinking about his own Mum that he can't be with/thank today.
I get sad on happy occasions because of her not being there and because I'm not always that good at recognising or understanding my emotions it sometimes comes out as frustration and anger at the people closest to me. Then it is only in hindsight that I recognise what was really upsetting me. To be honest even in the moment if someone said 'are you missing your mum today' I wouldn't recognise that was the root of the emotion.
I'm not saying this is your husband's problem but grief can ricochet around in lots of unusual ways. When it's my DS's birthday and the whole family get together I notice the one person who isn't there.

Well it’s Mother’s Day and his mother is dead so he probably is never going to to one for huge celebrations of today tbh.

Yeh I want to go and chat to him - it’s always so hard to have a proper talk when the kids are around. Feel like I have to stop if it gets heated so it doesn’t frighten the older one (don’t think the baby really cares)

My ex husband used to do this on my birthday every single year make it an absolutely hellish day while expecting me to pull all the stops out for him. Totally out of order.
It doesn't really matter what the reason is he needs to bloody grow up. He's an adult now with a wife and children and he seriously needs to address this.
He has screamed at a little girl and totally destroyed her when she's done nothing wrong. Mark my words children never forget these things and she'll be damaged if he doesn't stop this.
He must sort this out before he destroys your relationship and scares the children.
You need to have this discussion.

After 20 rubbish birthdsys I'd had enough and that was it. All I ever wanted was a card and a meal out at the pub or cinema. I don't think that is too much to ask.

I think there us an unbalance of partners here .It sounds like he does not like you being in the position of power! Maybe he feels undermined and doesnt treat your day as "special?"Either way he is being unreasonable and unkind to you.You need to explain how you are feeling and make him realise that you deserve to feel special on Mothers Day .

My exh did this, every damn Mothers Day and every birthday of mine. It was particularly hard on the kids once they were over 4, as they were aware it was supposed to be a nice day for me, not a day where he was nice for 90 minutes and a nasty, door-slamming twat for the rest of the day (towards the end would be nice for maybe an hour then cause a ruckus and storm off for the day). So just to say, I too feel it’s because he doesn’t like the focus being on you.

@IamwhoIsayIam I am so sorry to hear your mum died so young - that must have been very hard. I do get that today must be hard for him and other who have lost their mind and even other special occasions- just seems to be my special occasions this is always a problem on. You’d think Xmas would be hard for example for someone who had lost their mum but he’s always fine at Xmas. Still you are of course right and whatever any other day is like today must be tough so I will drop it now and keep and eye and maybe record exactly when things happen to see if I’m imagining it’s just on the days I think it is or if it is perhaps more regular than I imagine.

Lost their mums not their mind!

He does his equal share of childcare (as he should) and more than you in terms of household tasks so you haven't done a food shop or cooked a meal in 10 years..

He made you breakfast in bed with flowers for Mothers Day and you're moaning on here about him becoming inpatient with your DC and 'spoiling Mothers day?'.

Come on, you're either something we're not allowed to call out on MN or he's right and you're a remarkably self-absorbed twat.

Fuck me, not surprised the man is crying (if this is true).

Sorry @NewYearNewJob123 I was using that as an example of how great he is. I do do a tonne round the house too I just didn’t want people thinking he was a man who like many one these threads leaves all domestic stuff to the woman. I don’t mind him losing it with the kids occasionally but I’m talking about him screaming and swearing in a very aggressive manner. I hope I’m not being unreasonable to think that’s not ok. I don’t need these occasions for me to be showered with gifts or even particularly special at all I just want them to not be actively sabotaged which is what I feel might be happening here. I will try and talk to him later and bring up your points though and see what he says.

It's great that you have so much respect (rolling eyes) for his silly little part time job which as you say, allows him to look after the children and do more domestic labour than you do.

If the gender roles were reversed here, MNetters would be falling over themselves to say he was being abused from your posts...

Mother’s Day aside, I’d focus on his behavior toward your DD being wrong and how it impacts her well-being rather than wrecking your day.

But it does sound like a pattern with respect to days that are about you, and that could perfectly well be because of losing his own mother.

So he’s the one who’s screaming and aggressive and I’m the one who’s being abusive? Ok. We both work every waking second of the day, whether that is at work or at home. Neither of us just chills out and is doing jobs of some kind at all times, childcare/commuting/work/domestic stuff (oh except I’m up all night too). I’ve never complained about this and neither does he. Thought it might be ok to have a break on Mother’s Day but apparently not. Thanks again for all the replies.

I do think you're maybe looking into this too deeply. He hardly ruined mother's day did he, maybe an over reaction because of how he's feeling re his mum. He sounds great in lots of ways. Nobody is perfect, maybe talk to him about how he's feeling generally. We all have our faults and I think I would be looking to try and help him here...

Muddytoes

My guess is that when you try and talk to him he will either cry, accuse you of making it all about you because he does so much for you or otherwise shut you down.

Has he as yet apologised to his daughter for his OTT reaction or does he really feel he did nothing wrong here with regards to her either?.

Are you fully aware why he went to see a counsellor initially?

I’d have been frightened to see him going off at a small child. Whatever the reason, it will definitely have been anxiety based leading to him sabotaging things for you. May be a combination of Coronavirus pressure and Mothers Day expectations?
He probably likes to do things on his own terms so doesn’t like the demands of occasions for which the agenda is set by someone else. He needs to grow out of this; not appropriate for an adult.

Maybe mother's day (as opposed to birthdays etc) wasn't the time to pick him up on this.

If you're otherwise a great couple and happy together, it try not to read too much deliberate selfishness into his behaviour.

Also, Jeeeze, we're all in a bit of a mess at the moment. I've just had a massive row with my mother on Mother's Day
(It was warranted, but still, I got more overtly angry than I would normally do, and that has to be a reflection of what's happening at the moment)

As always @AttilaTheMeerkat makes some excellent points. Please think about them OP.