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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why is my ex gf doing this?

64 replies

Notquitethere01 · 18/03/2020 13:50

Ex has been messaging me on and off. Then this last week has been carrying on messaging me everyday. She's been asking how I am etc.
She then asked me if I was seeing anyone. To which I replied I wasn't.
I then asked if she was and she said not really.....
So I asked what that means and she went on to tell me that's she's going on a date with a guy on Thursday. Why is she doing this? Why ask me and then tell me that.
It has broken my heart being honest but I told her I'm happy for her.

Previous to all this she will message me then ignore me for days, sometimes even weeks and then pop up saying something like 'sorry I didn't spot your reply'

OP posts:

Hadalifeonce · 18/03/2020 13:54

Please just block her. She probably only asked you so that you would ask her, enabling her to tell you about her upcoming date. She doesn't really care about you anymore, you need to move on.

Gutterton · 18/03/2020 13:59

Who finished with who?
And why?
How did you feel about the RS?
How do you feel now the RS is over?
And what would you like to happen?

If she finished with you - then she is playing with you - yanking your chain - this is abusive and unkind. Block her to emotionally protect yourself so that you can heal and move on in time to a healthy RS.

If you finished with her - it maybe that she is trying to get back with you by using a tactic of making you jealous?

Or just letting you know she has moved on.

Gutterton · 18/03/2020 14:02

Sorry read too quickly.

She is blowing hot and cold to wind you up and hurt you.

You need to step out of punching distance by blocking her so that you can mend the heartbreak and have a functioning RS in the future.

Never go back to someone like this.
Don’t entertain or facilitate their emotional abuse.

Block and delete. She is not your friend

Original poster

Notquitethere01 · 18/03/2020 14:34

@gutterton it was a 'mutual' break up. I say that in a light manner because beleive me I tried to turned things around but ultimately she didn't want to know. Everytime I asked to do things, I got a 'I'll let you know' eventually I agreed to end things because I thinking she couldn't do it herself. I still loved her a lot even at the end. But it became increasingly difficult to say anything without her apparently getting upset and literally taking everything I said as a personal attack. It wasn't and I have tried explaining this, I was simply trying to get to the bottom of our problems. Even now she still says how bad the end was and I think she discards the four years of happiness we had.
I want/wanted to be with her again. I asked to meet up on two occasions last year where I got a 'I don't know' and then once again was left hanging by being ignored. She would then pop up again. Like for example when I bumped into her and she deliberately ignored me. Then an hour later I get a text saying she couldn't stop and say hi...

I'm glad you also think it's emotional abuse. I'm honestly totally confused by her behaviour and constantly wondering where or what I did wrong. She's gone again now after I wished her well again as she's been sick. She just read it and has ignored.

OP posts:

rvby · 18/03/2020 14:38

So sorry OP.

She sounds like a headfuck. People do this kind of thing to comfort themselves that they have someone on the back burner in case they change their mind/get lonely. Also to boost their egos. Basically, it's her being a user and quite immature/selfish.

If she was a proper grownup she would leave you alone and give you the space to heal and move on. Unfortunately many people are basically children in adult bodies.

Please block her. You honestly deserve sooo much better and you won't get it while this woman is sniffing around.

Sn0tnose · 18/03/2020 14:44

She’s using you as an emotional crutch. Every time she’s feeling low, or lonely, or wants reassurance, she messages you. She tells herself that she’s fine and that she doesn’t have to be alone if she doesn’t want to be, because she could have you if she wanted to. You respond and make her feel better so she disappears again until the next time. The only way to stop this is to block her completely.

Or, she wants to be friends but is making a right balls up of it.

Either way, this is causing you pain. Cut her off for your own sake.

Gutterton · 18/03/2020 14:50

Your RS ran its course.

It was good for a time but wasn’t going to be long term - that’s why all of the issues crept in. It was never going to mature and move to the next stage because xGF doesn’t have the emotional intelligence.

The issues weren’t resolvable because you weren’t compatible for the long term. You know this by how she was unable to work with conflict. She is emotionally undeveloped because she can’t communicate her needs and is unable to discuss issues and work positively towards a compromise and solution. You don’t need to be in a RS with someone like this. In adult life you need adult emotional capability to sustain long term RS.

You dodged a bullet but concerned that you are still entangled.

willowpatterns · 18/03/2020 15:09

The time has come to put an end to all this, hasn't it? You probably just need to stop contact with her now, and ignore anything she sends to you.

Original poster

Notquitethere01 · 18/03/2020 15:22

@rvby

Thankyou it's definitely been messing with my mind. I think the problem is im struggling to see past when she was my gf. She was lovely and I am probably in denial that she can be like she isn't being now.
A lot of people have told me she's immature and I can do better. I guess my feelings for her have shadowed this. It's very hard work and I agree I need to block and put myself and my heart first now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Notquitethere01 · 18/03/2020 15:24

@sn0tnose thanks for that. It's a shame someone can be like that especially after everything we went through together. Time now to find someone who wants me and doesn't make things difficult.

OP posts:

Original poster

Notquitethere01 · 18/03/2020 15:26

@gutterton thanks yes it's was definitely hard work at the end. Felt like I was hitting a brick wall all the time. And when I spoke to her about it she told me to just not to worry. She became distant and no matter what I tried looking back nothing worked. It really hurts because I still have a lot of feelings of this girl, which is probably why I still se her through rose tinted glasses.

OP posts:

BackseatCookers · 18/03/2020 17:46

Look up emotional hoovering - this sounds exactly like it. She's a headfuck, you'll never feel secure and stable with her because she doesn't want you to. You must disengage now, have the self respect to do it and you'll look back on her without rose tinted glasses in future

Original poster

Notquitethere01 · 18/03/2020 18:26

@backseatcookers wow yes I think sounds familiar, a kind of narcissism trait? I think I'm struggling with the fact that she was so lovely in the relationship and it's like she's a different person now. Obviously she will change a bit becuase we aren't together but I wouldn't dream of treating her like she has done tbh. The emotional hoover sounds awful.

OP posts:

anotherdisaster · 18/03/2020 18:29

She is keeping you hanging on in the background in case nothing better comes along. Harsh but true. You can do so much better than her so please just block her number and stop enabling her selfish behaviour.

Breezewalker · 18/03/2020 18:46

You're her backup, harsh as that sounds. Sorry OP.

BackseatCookers · 18/03/2020 19:13

I think sometimes we are guilty nowadays of wanting a label for everything - she might be a narcissist or she might just be a selfish dickhead!

The outcome is the same, she's being unfair to you and you need to disengage and withdraw from her totally.

The relationship didn't work and she's still being a headfuck - it's over!

Original poster

Notquitethere01 · 18/03/2020 19:26

@anotherdisaster thanks I don't want to be anyone's back up, kinda want someone who wants me lol

@breezewalker thanks. Not harsh I'd rather be told the truth. When your left to your own thoughts you get mixed up feelings. It's good so many are saying along the same lines.

@backseatcookers thanks haha. I agree either way it's not nice. I accept it's over now, at least I can look back and say I tried. A lot.

OP posts:

BrownWolf3 · 18/03/2020 19:56

Never go back to an ex...Unless she is your ex-wife. It would be like putting your hand on a hot stove...feel the pain, and wonder if you did it again, would it still hurt.

Women like her loves the attention, and that is all she wants. Whenever she is down, she text you, because she knows you will be sweet and nice. Compliment her and make her feel wanted. She cast out a line with bait, and you bite every time.

She is like a tree...You have spent all your time staring at that one tree so long, that you have not moved your head to see all the trees in the Forest. Millions of women out there waiting for a good man to come get them, and have a future with them...But you are too busy trying to live in past. NEVER go backwards in life...ever...unless it's an ex-wife...why? Because she was the one you planned a future with...not an ex girlfriend.

If you are driving a car on the highway. Do you keep looking in the rearview mirror the whole time?? No...you keep your eye on the road where you are going. Same thing in life.

Thrivingnotjustsurviving · 18/03/2020 20:05

You have to see her for the person she is now, that's her real self. The one you loved wasn't and isn't. Block her, it'll save your sanity

RLEOM · 18/03/2020 20:09

She's trying to make you jealous, trying to get a reaction to see if you still care. Sometimes people forget about the real hurt they're causing when they do this. If you want her back, talk to her. If you don't, block her.

Original poster

Notquitethere01 · 18/03/2020 20:31

@BrownWolf3 thanks you make a lot of sense

@Thrivingnotjustsurviving thankyou. I agree I need to start to see this. Never did I think she would be like this. Although looking back she used to happily ignore people sometimes. I guessing the signs were there.

@RLEOM I don't understand why someone would do this if they'd don't want anything to do with me? I have tried talking to her, I've asked to meet up and talk, work things out etc. The last time I asked this I got 'I didn't want to say yes and get your hopes up or say no and regret it....'

OP posts:

BrownWolf3 · 18/03/2020 21:10

You know at the end of some TV shows they say "Stay tune until next time". Is that who you are? Is that your life? You are staying tune until next time she contacts you?

The fact that she still contacts you says one thing...You were an awesome boyfriend to have. If you were not worth it, she would never reach out to you again.

Now...Go and be worth it for someone who will truly appreciate what you have to offer.

Your life is not rinse and repeat.

Let today be the day you man up...Block, and totally disregard ever knowing her. Let it be a new day, a new way of being, and living. Become a people gardener...People like her are weeds, that need to pulled up, and thrown in the never again pile. In order for you to get a good woman in your life, you MUST remove the bad ones... Permanently. The last thing you want, is to finally have the woman of your dreams, and some yahoo from your past screws it up for you, with a text or phone call. If you are done...then you are done.

Original poster

Notquitethere01 · 18/03/2020 21:38

@Brownwolf3 thanks I never thought about why she still contacts me. I really tired to be the best partner I could. I have some much and maybe that was my down fall. I totally get what you are saying about rinse and repeat I need to stand up for myself more. Usually with anything else I am but I guess this girl got under my skin quite a bit! Amazing what emotions can do to you. I hope one day I can look back it this a shame a big life lesson. We had a good time and that's that.

OP posts:

Forensy · 18/03/2020 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Notquitethere01 · 18/03/2020 23:02

@forensy I'll be sure to give them a try LOL

OP posts:

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