Choosing between ex and current partner

[NameofTheWind]

Please be kind - I'm already aware that

1. exes are exes for a reason and
2. if you have doubts, you should leave the relationship

but this has blurred my previously firm beliefs!

Three years ago I dated a guy ("Ex") for a couple of months, we had an instant connection and were very, very attracted to one another. I felt very strongly about him - both physically and emotionally, in a way that is very unusual for me. He was going through a lot of complicated family issues at the time (namely that both his parents were dying) and he decided to end it because I was moving abroad for my career and he didn't want to hold me back plus he wasn't in the right space for a relationship - all very noble and legitimate. We met via OLD so it was all about the relationship, we didn't remain in contact. I posted about it on here at the time.
I never fully got over him (have thought a lot about him in the last few years) - I'd never felt that way about anyone before - or, to be honest, since.

A year after ex I met current DP. He's lovely, we get on very well. We've been living together since last summer and rub along nicely. I love him - he's a very decent person, extremely loving and caring and we see eye to eye on almost everything; from politics to everyday house stuff. He makes me feel very comfortable and secure. He loves me deeply.
There's not a huge amount of excitement in the relationship however (we've been together just over 18 months) and it's been said on here (and IRL) that he's "boring" and "too safe". A close friend said its "the kind of relationship you'd want in your 60s" - we're both 30. I lived abroad for the first 6 months of our relationship and spoke to him every day but I do remember at the time being a little worried that I didn't miss him like I should. Whilst I find him attractive - there's a marked difference in our libidos.
That being said I genuinely love him, we work well together, have a good laugh together, I trust him implicitly and the thought of not being with him is frightening.

[predictable plot twist alert] - Ex messaged me out of the blue a couple of weeks ago. He apologised for ending things, said he was in a really bad place and didn't want to impact my life. He regrets ending things. I nearly had a heart attack when the message came through, and its caused me to lay doubts on my current relationship - and then made me feel immensely guilty as DP has done nothing wrong at all.

Ex and I are meeting up this week to catch up and go over things. Having not seen him in years, I have no idea what this is going to be like - with luck, there'll be no feelings there and it'll all be water under the bridge.

But I'm tying myself in knots that things will feel the same and very worried that I'll need to make a choice.

There's a lot of worry and thoughts flying around right now, I'm a big mess and could use people's outside opinions.

I have posted about my current DP on here before - I tend to change a few details for privacy so I'd be REALLY grateful if people didn't start comparing and cross-referencing as this is already messy without someone joining the dots and making this outing so TIA for not going all private investigator on me

It doesn't sound like your current boyfriend is right for you. If you're questioning it already after only 18 months.

You had a much stronger bond with your ex and it ended for legitimate reasons.

If your thinking about it then the least you should do is split from your current partner it's clearly unfair for you to continue in the relationship

Why are you making it a choice? Are you scared to be single?

If things aren't right with your DP, end it, because it sounds like you're only with him in case someone better doesn't come along.

I'm with musti, it sounds like you and current, although get on well, aren't quite right for eachother, especially after less than 2 years.

Does ex know you're in a relationship?

Do not go and meet your ex.
No good can come of it.
Focus on your own relationship.

If you're questioning it already after only 18 months. I hear you, and part of me agrees. It's relevant to note that I have anxiety issues (medicated) and a strong tendency to overthink things to the extreme.

it's clearly unfair for you to continue in the relationship I worry immensely over this and it gives me a huge amount of guilt.

Why are you making it a choice? Are you scared to be single? I don't think I'm afraid to be single. I think choosing the right life partner is incredibly important though and whilst my relationship with DP and the issue with ex popping up are two seperate things - they are linked.

you're only with him in case someone better doesn't come along I'm with him because he's wonderful, kind, caring, funny and we have a lot of shared interests.

Does ex know you're in a relationship? If he doesn't already know, I will be telling him when I see him.

Do not go and meet your ex. No good can come of it. I'm hoping that it'll provide closure; he just sort of disappeared out of my life and it would be nice to tie things up.

I never fully got over him...

You are playing with fire if you meet up with him. How would you feel if your partner secretly met with the ex he’d never gotten over? Sort out your current relationship or end it.

You're playing with hand grenades...

Sure, go and see the guy you've lusted over for the past few years, I'm sure you'll get nothing but closure out of it.

Give yourself a slap, of course your current partner will seem dull compared to Mr Unfinished Business. It reads that you're going along to see if there's a better offer on the cards. Do the decent thing and end it with your current beau before you meet this guy.

Have you told your current dp about meeting up with your ex? If the answer is no then you are playing a dangerous and very disrespectful game with your dp

It’s so disrespectful to meet up with the ex in these circumstances. Have you told your DP or have you lied about what your plans are?

So if you go and meet your ex and it's all excitement and chemistry etc, are you going to leave your current partner?

Or

You go and meet your ex and you realise you don't feel the same anymore are you going to stay with your ex?

You should really think about this because if you are with the right partner, you wouldn't even want to go and meet your ex. If you're even thinking that you might possibly get back with your ex, then you should let your current partner go as he deserves someone who doesn't think there might be someone better out there

I’d begin slowly finishing things with current partner no matter what the outcome.
When you’ve been in a ‘wow’ relationship, you know not to settle for second best.

Go meet ex and let us know how it goes!! ❤️

I'd end it with current guy sitting doesn't sound like you're happy.

Don't expect too much with ex.

Sorry haven't had time to catch up but DP knows I'm meeting ex, it was his idea. So no secret sneaking around.

what about being with nobody?

why is this a binary decision?

you’re being very unfair on your current man

the previous man. you were only with a couple of months...rose tinted glasses

Would you end it with DP if Ex wasn't on the horizon?

Option c - neither of them.

Mr disappearing act will do another disappearing act wouldn’t waste my time on him he will only let you down again anyway and you would have lost a genuine kind man, wouldn’t bother if I was you. He’s properly out of another relationship come back to see whether your available or not. I’m sure his list is long.The fact that your current DP didn’t end things with you when you were abroad for 6 months and your ex did shows who values you and is willing to wait for you. Your making a mistake. A safe boring relationship is better then having one with someone who disappears reappears messes with your feelings and leaves you distraught and emotional. The reason your feelings are stronger for your ex is that this guy didn’t value you as much messed with your feelings hence you jumping up and down when he reappeared. 99 percent of men who disappear will reappear again nothing special trust me I know. You meet him you might end up having a full blown affair which will end with you crying again as MR disappear disappears again

I’m hoping that it’ll provide closure; he just sort of disappeared out of my life and it would be nice to tie things up.

You are fooling yourself. Surely you had closure when he ended things for ‘legitimate’ reasons. It’s not like he ghosted you.

DP knows I’m meeting ex, it was his idea. So no secret sneaking around.

But does DP know that you still feel passion for Ex?

OP, I have no advice but am in an extremely similar situation. Feel free to PM me, I won't judge and we could learn from one another!

I think you need to leave your current DP, regardless of the ex. He's clearly not right for you and you'd be settling for him IF you stayed with him. The 'prefect' man is not always the perfect relationship, something is clearly missing.

Forget about the ex in this situation. The ex can maybe come later. Focus on the current situation - you aren't 100% happy. Leave him and let the rest unfold. If you juggle between the 2 and decide ex didn't work out for you, you would only be accepting 2nd best with current DP.

Alternatively you really need to forget about ex and work on a great relationship that you have with current DP. If ex wasn't on the scene, would you be having doubts on current DP? If so, more of a reason to leave him. If not, work on what you have. Sometimes we can be blinded by the past or what we thought we have/could have. As the good old saying goes, the grass isn't always greener on the other side!

I hope that makes sense?

Why did your current bloke suggest you met up with the ex?

meet

Really? You're current DP suggested you and the ex meet up? Does he know the full situation here, and that you plan to "go over things"?

I'm guessing not.

Unless he's planning on packing your bags while you're out.

Unless he's planning on packing your bags while you're out. I would definitely be doing that if I was him!

OP have you told your current male everything you have told us? If not then you know it's wrong and you're wanting to hedge your bets (the same way many affairs begin). If you have then he's probably gleefully packing your stuff in bin liners.