Choosing between ex and current partner

[NameofTheWind]

Please be kind - I'm already aware that

1. exes are exes for a reason and
2. if you have doubts, you should leave the relationship

but this has blurred my previously firm beliefs!

Three years ago I dated a guy ("Ex") for a couple of months, we had an instant connection and were very, very attracted to one another. I felt very strongly about him - both physically and emotionally, in a way that is very unusual for me. He was going through a lot of complicated family issues at the time (namely that both his parents were dying) and he decided to end it because I was moving abroad for my career and he didn't want to hold me back plus he wasn't in the right space for a relationship - all very noble and legitimate. We met via OLD so it was all about the relationship, we didn't remain in contact. I posted about it on here at the time.
I never fully got over him (have thought a lot about him in the last few years) - I'd never felt that way about anyone before - or, to be honest, since.

A year after ex I met current DP. He's lovely, we get on very well. We've been living together since last summer and rub along nicely. I love him - he's a very decent person, extremely loving and caring and we see eye to eye on almost everything; from politics to everyday house stuff. He makes me feel very comfortable and secure. He loves me deeply.
There's not a huge amount of excitement in the relationship however (we've been together just over 18 months) and it's been said on here (and IRL) that he's "boring" and "too safe". A close friend said its "the kind of relationship you'd want in your 60s" - we're both 30. I lived abroad for the first 6 months of our relationship and spoke to him every day but I do remember at the time being a little worried that I didn't miss him like I should. Whilst I find him attractive - there's a marked difference in our libidos.
That being said I genuinely love him, we work well together, have a good laugh together, I trust him implicitly and the thought of not being with him is frightening.

[predictable plot twist alert] - Ex messaged me out of the blue a couple of weeks ago. He apologised for ending things, said he was in a really bad place and didn't want to impact my life. He regrets ending things. I nearly had a heart attack when the message came through, and its caused me to lay doubts on my current relationship - and then made me feel immensely guilty as DP has done nothing wrong at all.

Ex and I are meeting up this week to catch up and go over things. Having not seen him in years, I have no idea what this is going to be like - with luck, there'll be no feelings there and it'll all be water under the bridge.

But I'm tying myself in knots that things will feel the same and very worried that I'll need to make a choice.

There's a lot of worry and thoughts flying around right now, I'm a big mess and could use people's outside opinions.

I have posted about my current DP on here before - I tend to change a few details for privacy so I'd be REALLY grateful if people didn't start comparing and cross-referencing as this is already messy without someone joining the dots and making this outing so TIA for not going all private investigator on me

I think you may be idealising what you had with this ex. If it was the right relationship and he was 100% in to you he would have wanted to make it work despite the issues that were going on at the time. So he finished it and it's only now, about 3 years later, that he decides to check back in again? Do you not think he's had one or more relationships since then? Perhaps he's going through his little black book of exes who might be worth revisiting?

If your DP is as nice and kind as you are making him out to be don't make a fool of him by playing him against this other guy.

I have to agree with others, you are being both deceitful and dishonest with your DP.
He is happy for you to go because he trusts you and that your relationship is solid, and he thinks that presumable because you have led him to believe it.
What is telling is that you haven't told your ex you are in a relationship. I am not sure how that didn't come up straight away, and can only assume you either ignored the subject or lied.
Most ppl have what ifs but we treat the ppl we are with respect.
You are the worst kind of person- you say you dont know what will happen as if its some kind of get out of jail card, but you know what options there and more importantly what you hope will happen.
There is every chance that your behaviour will have long term terrible effects to our DP a person who loves and cares for you, but I don't think you can see further than yourself.

You don't mention how old you are and what you want at this stage in life, or for your future.

If you want A): a passionate love affair which will be time limited, rocky, complex but intoxicating for a while then meet ex and embark on that, as that is probably what it will be.
Enjoy while it lasts, love affairs are amazing, and accept it when it ends.

If though, yuo want B): a stable loving trusting long term relationship, and a partner to have children with, who will share life and be a team with you, and support you, then stay with your current partner and learn to appreciate the amazing thing you have, and count yourself lucky.

At 20 years old I'd have gone for A).

At 33 years old I'd have gone for B)

if a 50 year old divorcee I'd go for A).

My point is: work out what you want first.

You clearly don't love your DP if you are even thinking of meeting the ex. If I was with an ex for a couple of months and he disappeared and then messaged me again all is would do is block him. Maybe your DP is looking for an easy way out and this is why he is encouraging you to meet the ex.

For context, ex all but disappeared - he gave his explanations and that was that. So it always felt unfinished

So a guy you dated for a few months 3 years ago, who didn'y have enough respect to end things properly, and to all extent and purposes ghosted you, contacts you out of the blue and clicks his fingers........and you don't have the self respect to say "no thanks....i gave myself closure on that ages ago"?????

What do you hope to gain from seeing him again? Checking that your libido is still functioning normally?

Your current relationship DOES sound like that of some 60 year old who has been married for ages and now have more of a friend/companionship relationship with the obligatory sex thrown occasionally out of habit/convenience.

You're kidding yourself by blaming this on anxiety.....you're choosing to 'settle' rather than be on your own.....and keeping your options open/one foot out of the relationship for when a better option comes along - like one where you have the sexual and romantic chemistry.

I feel sorry for your DP. It sounds like you're meeting with your ex to basically decide between the two. I would guess that whilst your DP may know you're catching up with ex, he doesn't know why.

End your current relationship if you're unsure. Don't go and meet your ex just to see whilst still stringing your DP along until you've decided. That's horrid.

I think your mad. 3 months is honey moon phase. Your in a comforting happy relationship why go bk to an idiot. If u had kids who do u feel would go to work pay Bill's and be up all night with a crying infant. Remember that when u decide who u want x

I'm also not sure meeting up with an old flame when it isn't particularly pressing is a great idea considering coronavirus at the moment...

Be honest OP if he said to you "I've wanted you all these years, all I've done is regret leaving you, I love you, please will you try again and I'll show you how much I care this time..." is there a chance you wouldn't go for it?

Because it sounds like you know you would. And that's shit for your partner.

If someone wanted me because I was a safe choice without the passion or respect or excitement that you get when you really love someone, I would feel so hurt they stayed with me and robbed me of the chance to find someone who felt the way I did about them.

Nobody is saying that the binary choices are bored but safe vs exciting but dangerous - at least I hope I haven't come across that way. There is a middle ground where you feel secure but still excited by the other person, proud of them, fancy them, have matching sex drives AND moral values etc.

Staying with someone safe because someone exciting didn't want to be with you is cruel if they don't know that's the choice you made.

OP, your DP the lovely, gorgeous and loving man, who you love and adore ....but not enough. Just not enough. That is why after only 18 months you can find him boring. Also why a man you dated for 2 months - how long ago - can send a message and you are shaken. Enough to post a thread about "choosing" between your DP and the other man.

You admit to posting here that your DP may be boring. My advice is to leave your DP. Period. And if something happens with the Ex do it. Or don't. But leave your DP. Your DP was boring before this guy. Now he needs to live up to the Ex. Then you may find someone else whose better.

I say this as someone who should have left my husband when i should have, so that he could have found someone who should have loved him better than i ever could.

OP if you're considering doing this you shoul dump your current partner.

You knowthat you're thinking of meeting this guy with a potential that sooner or later something is going to happen.

I think you'll find that your ex will either want you to stay in your relationship with your DP and be an easily available no responsibility shag buddy.

Or knowing that you're in a relationship and prepared to cheat with him, he'll take what he can get from you but in no way would want you for a life partner given that you're obviously not trustworthy, and easily swayed.

& whatever the case even if I'm wrong - He's not even bothered with so much as a 'How are you' in 3 years so you weren't on his mind that much anyway. & yet based on a message or 2 you seem to believe you're at the stage of 'choosing' between him or your DP. How do you know your ex even wants to be in a relationship with you?

You're not into your DP so just tell him it's over. You're not at all obliged to stay in a relationship that bores you. Then you're free to pursue love's old dream.

You should still be in the throes of passion at 18m!

does the current partner know you post all these threads about him?

the poor sod... why don't you stop hedging your bets and using him to meet your needs. man up.. just shag the ex and take the fall out.. that's what all this is about... sexual gratification... the current partner doesn't do it for you so let him go to someone who does appreciate him

I think you have to look at your current Dp and think about waking up with him for the next 40 years.
That gut reaction will tell you whether you should be with him or not.
If you feel dread or boredom then he isn’t for you.

That is the first step.

OTOH the ex I don’t think you really know him.

It might be the great love of your life or it might be a flash in the pan and it was great whilst it lasted but in 18 months it is a distant happy memory

I don’t think you can move on until you have closed one door (which ever that may be. Your ex or your current bf)

Oh come on OP you aren’t meeting this man for closure at all. You’re meeting him because you’re still in love with him. If you wasn’t, you wouldn’t even entertain the idea. If you were truly happy in your current relationship you wouldn’t want to meet the ex

I say that as someone who has been in your position

I ended up meeting the ex. That one meeting turned into another, and another. But it was okay because I wasn’t actually cheating, right? Of course it wasn’t okay! I was meeting him because I loved him. And so are you.

I’m still with “my ex” now. Life is too short to settle. But at least be honest and open with your partner and let him find someone who actually loves him properly.

Your post screamed of you justifying meeting your ex.

The OP seems to have done a vanishing act from lack of sympathy

this is because someone I used to love very deeply has suddenly popped up

You were with him for a couple of months. It was a fling, infatuation, not a relationship. You fancied the pants off him, and it was all very exciting. Please don't kid yourself that it was a deep love. You've spent the last 3 years wondering 'what if', and now you've got the chance to find out, believing that your dp is happy with this. So you're intending on meeting up to see if there's a chance you can continue where you left off. At least be honest with yourself. By doing so, you're being very hurtful to your dp, because you're actually saying 'you're probably not good enough, I'm going to see if mr wonderful still wants me'.
Of course your dp is saying he's ok with this. He's being kind, and hoping you'll see sense and choose him!

@monkeymonkey2010
who didn'y have enough respect to end things properly, and to all extent and purposes ghosted you

I dont understand this comment at all. Did you not read the comment, The OP was going away and he was dealing with his parents dying. It doesnt always have to be a mans fault you know.
As far as I am concerned the DP and the ex are innocent victims here, the DP for all the reasons stated and the Ex as he is now in a better place and the Op has obviously returned from her trip abroad, most importantly he thinks the OP is single.
There is only one person controlling this situation and who has the power, and she is acting like she is the victim.

I'm also not sure meeting up with an old flame when it isn't particularly pressing is a great idea considering coronavirus at the moment...

Please don't forget about this, OP. You could catch it from your ex and give it to your DP. You're all probably young enough not to be seriously ill yourselves, but you could end up infecting someone who is vulnerable.

Ever heard of 'social distancing' except for essential contact, and this isn't that, is it?

Unless you're going to visit him at his place, and that really would be playing with fire.

If you're this uncertain about your current relationship, you should finish with him and then chat online with your ex, then meet up when the COVID-19 risk has recessed or when you feel ready to meet at his place or yours.

Or you can finish your relationship and remain single for a period.