Choosing between ex and current partner

[NameofTheWind]

Please be kind - I'm already aware that

1. exes are exes for a reason and
2. if you have doubts, you should leave the relationship

but this has blurred my previously firm beliefs!

Three years ago I dated a guy ("Ex") for a couple of months, we had an instant connection and were very, very attracted to one another. I felt very strongly about him - both physically and emotionally, in a way that is very unusual for me. He was going through a lot of complicated family issues at the time (namely that both his parents were dying) and he decided to end it because I was moving abroad for my career and he didn't want to hold me back plus he wasn't in the right space for a relationship - all very noble and legitimate. We met via OLD so it was all about the relationship, we didn't remain in contact. I posted about it on here at the time.
I never fully got over him (have thought a lot about him in the last few years) - I'd never felt that way about anyone before - or, to be honest, since.

A year after ex I met current DP. He's lovely, we get on very well. We've been living together since last summer and rub along nicely. I love him - he's a very decent person, extremely loving and caring and we see eye to eye on almost everything; from politics to everyday house stuff. He makes me feel very comfortable and secure. He loves me deeply.
There's not a huge amount of excitement in the relationship however (we've been together just over 18 months) and it's been said on here (and IRL) that he's "boring" and "too safe". A close friend said its "the kind of relationship you'd want in your 60s" - we're both 30. I lived abroad for the first 6 months of our relationship and spoke to him every day but I do remember at the time being a little worried that I didn't miss him like I should. Whilst I find him attractive - there's a marked difference in our libidos.
That being said I genuinely love him, we work well together, have a good laugh together, I trust him implicitly and the thought of not being with him is frightening.

[predictable plot twist alert] - Ex messaged me out of the blue a couple of weeks ago. He apologised for ending things, said he was in a really bad place and didn't want to impact my life. He regrets ending things. I nearly had a heart attack when the message came through, and its caused me to lay doubts on my current relationship - and then made me feel immensely guilty as DP has done nothing wrong at all.

Ex and I are meeting up this week to catch up and go over things. Having not seen him in years, I have no idea what this is going to be like - with luck, there'll be no feelings there and it'll all be water under the bridge.

But I'm tying myself in knots that things will feel the same and very worried that I'll need to make a choice.

There's a lot of worry and thoughts flying around right now, I'm a big mess and could use people's outside opinions.

I have posted about my current DP on here before - I tend to change a few details for privacy so I'd be REALLY grateful if people didn't start comparing and cross-referencing as this is already messy without someone joining the dots and making this outing so TIA for not going all private investigator on me

An affair is a chain of small decisions and deceits.

Individually, each link in the chain is no big thing, but slowly and surely the chain is formed, and strengthened, until it's stronger than the binds that tie you to your DP.

You said you're not sneaking around, but you won't have been honest with your thoughts about all this.
Your DP doesn't know you have feelings for your ex and that your mind is all of a dither.

The first, most important link in the chain is now formed. This is how all affairs start: that first deceit.

You may realise your ex is not the man you remember, but he may say some very powerful things to you.

I'm not judging you, just being honest.

DP pretty much knows everything.
When we first got together and we had the "ex conversation" I was honest about this guy and said that it still made me sad.

The first person that saw the message ex sent was DP, it didn't even occur to me to hide it from him - we tell each other everything.

He told me that he agreed with all the compliments ex had given in his message, that he wasn't surprised he had regrets and said he was comfortable with me meeting him if I chose to. He said he knew I had a lot of unanswered questions.

For context, ex all but disappeared - he gave his explanations and that was that. So it always felt unfinished.

Whilst I haven't been as black and white about my feelings to DP as I have been on here, DP does know a lot of all this.
The reason I haven't been explicit about how I'm feeling with DP is
A) my feelings are not as black and white as they're coming across on here; they're difficult to verbalise
But most importantly
B) I'm not a massive bitch. I do not want to hurt him, he deserves my honesty but similarly I need to moderate what I share until I know exactly what it is I'm feeling.

Unless he's planning on packing your bags while you're out. I would definitely be doing that if I was him!

Why? Being in a relationship doesn't mean you are completely blinkered to the rest of the world, or to other people. I can't end a relationship because of small doubts over a couple of days. It's healthy to acknowledge feelings and process them.

The first, most important link in the chain is now formed. This is how all affairs start: that first deceit

There's no deceit and I'm not going to have an affair.

Wow your Poor DP... l agree you should leave your current partner.. and let him meet someone worthy of him...

Wow your Poor DP... l agree you should leave your current partner.. and let him meet someone worthy of him...

I think this is really really harsh - I'm posting for advise and tying myself up in knots over this.
I have done nothing wrong and I'm trying my best to be decent in a difficult situation.

*advice

The strength of your feelings means my advice is meet the ex, and give some serious thought to why you are with your current bloke.

You're not really acting with much integrity

If your current partner isn't right then you should end it, but if he is then why are you even entertaining the ex? You're messing your dp about here and it's not fair to him

I think this is really really harsh - I'm posting for advise and tying myself up in knots over this.
I have done nothing wrong and I'm trying my best to be decent in a difficult situation.

I beg to differ.. you know the current partner is not right for you but you have stayed and would have continued to stay until something better came along.. and low and behold...

I really understand your confusion and wanting closure but really feel sorry for your current boyfriend. He must really love you to support you going to see ex. I think this is going to end (for you) very badly.

Try and be honest with yourself why you want to meet with ex, what do you really want out of it?

The whole point is that I don't know that DP isn't right for me. I love him very, very much and he's a wonderful man and we have a nice life together.

You're not really acting with much integrity
I can't see what I'm doing wrong - it wouldn't exactly be acting with integrity to jump ship the second I have any kind of doubts about the relationship - we share a life, a house, pets, finances...

If this was happening cause I fancied a bloke at work, it'd be different - this is because someone I used to love very deeply has suddenly popped up and naturally it's shook things up.

The strength of your feelings means my advice is meet the ex, and give some serious thought to why you are with your current bloke

This is the plan. Hopefully I'll see ex and I can get some clarity - both on past and present.

I can't believe that your current partner is on board with you meeting up with your ex who you still have feelings for! God I'd feel like absolute shit if I was in his position.

I think you are in absolute denial. If you really and truly loved your current partner, you would not even entertain the idea of meeting your ex. We all probably have people in our lives that we feel there may be unfinished business with, but if you have truly moved forward, then there should be no need to re-visit the past. Whatever you decide to do, I think you have told yourself (even if you won’t admit it now) that your current partner is not the right man for you.

To be fair to people OP, reread the title of this thread. You didn't pitch it as regrets over an ex / not feeling sure of current DP etc, you've said you are choosing between one or the other. So it's fair that people feel that if your current DP doesn't know that's the choice you'll be making based on this meeting, you're not being very respectful of your relationship with him. If your this torn I think your current relationship isn't based on a strong enough foundation from your side to last the distance and that feels unfair and sad for him.

I apologise for the misleading title, I can see the confusion. I was just trying to word it in a simple way

You've only been together 18 months and you've had your doubts from the start, You've obviously posted about him before now, and you seem to have taken the "boring" and "safe" comments from others seriously.

The very title of your thread is telling.

You don't love this guy the way he deserves to be loved, even regardless of the ex.

The end.

I'm not confused. As I said, it's telling.

You're willing to risk everything with your current partner over someone you barely know. Your poor partner

Three years ago I dated a guy ("Ex") for a couple of months

a couple of months.. seriously ?

But your initial post was just as binary - it seems you feel both of them would want to be with you so your dilemma is which to choose. That's how it's coming across.

I just think it's really sad for your partner that you're this dramatically tortured over someone you dated for a few months, years ago...

Don't you think that means you aren't with the right person now? It sounds like he's your safe, sensible choice but if this ex or someone else new and exciting came and swept you off your feet you'd be off.

Which is fine, but you can't have both. If you want excitement and passion etc and don't have that with your partner then break up and give him the chance to be with someone who doesn't have such huge doubts about him.

Good, stable, kind men are not easy to find. You have one that you love and he loves you. You’d be throwing away a future for what? Passion fades. It doesn’t grow old with you or look after you when you’re sick, or save up to buy your first house with you, or be a good dad. Good, kind men do those things. 30 isn’t young. I had 2 kids by then. If you don’t love your DP then fine but it sounds like you do, but maybe you don’t understand how valuable his qualities really are. Safe isn’t boring. It’s priceless

You are making a fool of your unsuspecting DP. He is being supportive because you’ve said you have “unanswered questions” that “still make me sad.” He has no clue that you feel such a thrill from Ex’s message and your upcoming meet-up or that your feelings for him (DP) come a distant second. There he is, encouraging you to go without realizing that this unreliable man who dumped you after “couple of months” is actually a serious threat to your relationship now.

There's no deceit and I'm not going to have an affair.

Well, how many people say this, and then when they're alone with the other person things just "happen". You apparently still have strong feelings for him. If you're sure there's no feelings for him, don't meet him. If you want to give him a go, meet him, but first break off with your current boyfriend.

If you're sure there's no future with him I meant to write.

I think it sounds like you're settling with your DP and your ex was right person/wrong time.