Choosing between ex and current partner

[NameofTheWind]

Please be kind - I'm already aware that

1. exes are exes for a reason and
2. if you have doubts, you should leave the relationship

but this has blurred my previously firm beliefs!

Three years ago I dated a guy ("Ex") for a couple of months, we had an instant connection and were very, very attracted to one another. I felt very strongly about him - both physically and emotionally, in a way that is very unusual for me. He was going through a lot of complicated family issues at the time (namely that both his parents were dying) and he decided to end it because I was moving abroad for my career and he didn't want to hold me back plus he wasn't in the right space for a relationship - all very noble and legitimate. We met via OLD so it was all about the relationship, we didn't remain in contact. I posted about it on here at the time.
I never fully got over him (have thought a lot about him in the last few years) - I'd never felt that way about anyone before - or, to be honest, since.

A year after ex I met current DP. He's lovely, we get on very well. We've been living together since last summer and rub along nicely. I love him - he's a very decent person, extremely loving and caring and we see eye to eye on almost everything; from politics to everyday house stuff. He makes me feel very comfortable and secure. He loves me deeply.
There's not a huge amount of excitement in the relationship however (we've been together just over 18 months) and it's been said on here (and IRL) that he's "boring" and "too safe". A close friend said its "the kind of relationship you'd want in your 60s" - we're both 30. I lived abroad for the first 6 months of our relationship and spoke to him every day but I do remember at the time being a little worried that I didn't miss him like I should. Whilst I find him attractive - there's a marked difference in our libidos.
That being said I genuinely love him, we work well together, have a good laugh together, I trust him implicitly and the thought of not being with him is frightening.

[predictable plot twist alert] - Ex messaged me out of the blue a couple of weeks ago. He apologised for ending things, said he was in a really bad place and didn't want to impact my life. He regrets ending things. I nearly had a heart attack when the message came through, and its caused me to lay doubts on my current relationship - and then made me feel immensely guilty as DP has done nothing wrong at all.

Ex and I are meeting up this week to catch up and go over things. Having not seen him in years, I have no idea what this is going to be like - with luck, there'll be no feelings there and it'll all be water under the bridge.

But I'm tying myself in knots that things will feel the same and very worried that I'll need to make a choice.

There's a lot of worry and thoughts flying around right now, I'm a big mess and could use people's outside opinions.

I have posted about my current DP on here before - I tend to change a few details for privacy so I'd be REALLY grateful if people didn't start comparing and cross-referencing as this is already messy without someone joining the dots and making this outing so TIA for not going all private investigator on me

I think it sounds like you're settling with your DP and your ex was right person/wrong time.

yes and it's taken the Ex an ENTIRE 3 years to work that out... bless 😏

Your current partner is boring, what does that mean in terms of his behaviour/actions. What does 'not boring' look like?

So really for all you know ex found someone better on OLD and gave you the old heave ho to start shagging them. 3yrs on possibly that's ended and he's remembered you were up for it so he's casting a line to see if you'll bite. From that angle it's not the noble big romance and your nice (safe and boring), reliable, supportive partner gets to sit at home like a mug whilst you decide if you still want to shag your ex who binned you off.

You’re getting a lot of very harsh judgement here OP.

I know how you feel...he’s the one who got away as you say. I also have an ex like that and you know why we still think of them? They left before things got ‘normal’, we fool ourselves by thinking our relationship would always be in the initial stage because we never got to the second stage of the relationship when the ‘honeymoon phase’ is over.

It’s a risk to meet up with your ex because you might subconsciously fool yourself by telling yourself it’s just for closure. But meeting them might only worsen the situation as it could strongly rekindle those old feelings.
Proceed with great caution and think of what you have now.

@BumbleBeee69

yes and it's taken the Ex an ENTIRE 3 years to work that out... bless 😏

Jesus H Christ. If you want to be a dick about someone taking a while to recover from the simultaneous terminal illness and subsequent deaths of their parents, AIBU is that way --->

@Honeybee85 thank you. You're very right and I'm being very cautious. Some people do seem to like to pile on to bash, but others have made some valid points - I'm aware that DP is a rare gem (though when I posted about him in a different thread, people were queuing to take a chunk out of him for being boring)

Do not meet this man. You will regret it.
He disappeared from you life after only a few months. You didn't love him deeply you were infatuated. My bet is he had another girlfriend and the rest was lies. Otherwise why not stay in touch as friends.

Your current man sounds amazing. Supportive, loving, caring. If you don't see this and put him first then leave him and let him find a woman who will put him first. Don't mess him around.

No good will come from meeting the ex.

People go on about "respect" all the time but this is what it means - treating the man who you share your life with and who loves you, with kindness, dignity and consideration. And that doesn't mean running after old boyfriends who give you the eye.

I don't know how you can look yourself in the mirror what you have proposed doing is appalling. And by that I mean meeting up with your ex because you're obviously already thinking that you will still "feel the same and [be] very worried that I'll need to make a choice." (your words).

Do not meet the ex. I have one of these, a few months of relationship ended because he had health issues and 'let me go'. It was all fireworks and longing and took me forever to get over. I would not even sit in the same room as him, ever.

I think you're putting your ex on a pedestal and romanticising.

Points to consider:

• you only dated for 3 months so you didn't develop a proper relationship, you barely know him.

-one of the reasons he ended it was because you were working abroad. Your current partner was prepared to continue long distance and wait for you to return (he values you more).

-ex finished with you in quite a brutal way, very abrupt with little explanation. (lack of consideration for you)

-ex hasn't been in touch for 3 years. I doubt he's been pining for you but hesitant to get in touch because of being in a bad place for 3 years.

In summary, I've encountered men like this. It's all about them, their feelings come first and they will always prioritise their wants and needs. It's very likely that he will disappear again or let you down. His response to a difficult situation is to disappear.

I think you're opening a can of worms. Prepare for worms everywhere. Keep your feet on the ground and remember life isn't a romance novel

I 5hinknwhat you have with your current partner is what many couples aspire to, and what many people never find because they are always looking for more excitement and ultimately never find a secure relationship.

Sadly, there is no way to know what the right decision is. You only knew the other guy for ages months, so the reality is that you've only a small part of the iceberg with him. The rest could be as amazing as what you've got to know, or a very dark part of who this man is.

You'll have to make a decision and hope for the best. That if you decide to stay with your current partner, you have faith that what he offers to the relationship is precious and unlikely the other guy could have ever offered.

Or take the plunge and hope you never get to regret leaving him if the ex turns out to be very different to what he appeared when you were just courting.

OP - reading now that your DP knows about all this and is supporting it makes it all so much worse! This guy is both far too kind and stupid.

You are playing with fire, I don't want to be harsh to you but you need to stop playing the sorry story and accept that even though you are "in bits" that does not make what you are doing okay. Not one bit.

The below statement says it all...

I think this is really really harsh - I'm posting for advise and tying myself up in knots over this.
I have done nothing wrong and I'm trying my best to be decent in a difficult situation

I am afraid you aren't likely to get much sympathy here (or anywhere), especially as it seems you have posted negatively about your DP on here before. Being as you say, a decent person, would be to leave your current DP and let him find someone that won't be doubting him when another man gives his partner a bit of attention and will appreciate him wholly

Though I read plenty of stories here about someone who leaves Mr Nice but Boring and straightaway meets the Love of their Life Soulmate, Deep Passionate Love Unending, etc.

Plus he was either looking to hit women up on OLD whilst both his parents were terminally ill. Or he then stated they'd both been diagnosed within the couple of month time frame from meeting you? Both scenarios seem pretty fishy really 🙄

i don't think you're being honest with yourself here, and you need to separate things into 2 decisions.

1 - your current relationship - you need to decide whether this is what you want from a relationship independently of your ex. 3 years is still reasonably early on - some things that you are happy to "rub along" putting up with may well cause resentment further down the line (eg lack of enthusiasm for travel, or shared interests).

if you really want more from a relationship, you really should be honest with your current partner - perhaps he's capable of stepping up, perhaps he's not - he should be given the opportunity to make that choice though.

2 - if you decide that your relationship with current partner is not what you want and you decide to end things, then you could consider whether you want to pursue something with your ex. but be mindful that no relationship remains at the level of intensity of the first 2 or 3 months. your ex has already shown you how he will likely deal with difficulties and adversity (albeit with pretty much as big a challenge as he's ever likely to face).

if i was your current partner, and i found out how you were really feeling, i'd definitely feel like a poor second-best fall-back option. i think that would irretrievably damage how i saw our relationship.

We all like the rush and the enhanced memory of an old relationship but it is the very fact that it is in the past makes it feel exciting . It ended for a reason . You can't live with rush - it just doesn't exist in normal life .

I can't quite figure out if your current partner is too sure of your relationship or if he's looking to a way out.

He may realise that your relationship hangs in the balance here, but he may be prepared to take the risk, rather than you carrying on while still feeling he was the one who got away.

I think I'd do the same as your current partner. Set you free to choose.

As for you, do you see a future in this relationship? Do you see yourself having children (if you want) or growing old with him?

Were there any problems in the previous relationship that you've minimised with time?

In summary, I've encountered men like this. It's all about them, their feelings come first and they will always prioritise their wants and needs. It's very likely that he will disappear again or let you down. His response to a difficult situation is to disappear.
Yep. Read up about love bombing OP. Ex is red flag central, has potential to be emotionally abusive, I would steer well clear if I was you, and get counselling to figure out if your current relationship really works for you or if you are clinging to security.

*It's healthy to acknowledge feelings and process them.
*

Wonder how you will feel when your current patmrtner takes a fancy for someone else, a d wants to go meet up with them to see if they would rather be with you or them.

You absolutely sure both his parents were ill?

You absolutely sure both his parents were ill? I'm positive. It was also a lot more traumatic and complicated than that with a lot of family issues which are really not my place to disclose - but it was really, really bad and I'd seen some of it first hand so it wasn't an excuse.

Jesus H Christ. If you want to be a dick about someone taking a while to recover from the simultaneous terminal illness and subsequent deaths of their parents, AIBU is that way

Oh dear... 3 whole years to remember you ... someone he dated for 12 weeks... I think he's been recovering quote well with OLD...

Your current DP deserves a lot better. There is no way you’re going to meet him for “closure” and you know it.

I think use this doubt as an indicator that all is not well in your current relationship. there's a marked difference in our libidos What does this mean? If you don't want to sleep with him this early on, get out now.

There will always be temptations and what ifs along the way and the fact that you're tempted to stray means you're not committed.

All the focus at the moment is on your feelings, your guilt, your uncertainty. Try to shift your perspective to your dp's feelings.
Instead of thinking Which man? Think Do I want to end it with dp and seek excitement or fulfilment by dating other people? Then consider trying to date this ex, it may work, it might not. You can't keep your dp dangling while you find out.

You have one life. Live it. Don't stay in a boring relationship if that isn't what you want. Treat your DP well but treat yourself better.