Can this be real? You couldn’t make it up

[Pelagi]

I should be trying to go to sleep but I can’t.

Last year I found out that my husband had been having an affair, for a few months. So I told him to leave.

After we split up I found out that he’d had a multiple-year affair with someone I thought was a friend.

Now I have learned that he also had a multiple-year affair with my oldest friend who was bridesmaid at our wedding.

In one message to bridesmaid friend he said he was doing it to help his marriage and get what he was missing from that.

I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Not sure why I’m posting. I want to be told it’s not down to me. But all I can think of is the negative things they said about me. Was I (am I) that bad? Don’t know why I’m asking, none of you can know!

I’d been talking to bridesmaid friend about all my struggles with the separation and divorce process. Now I’ve lost my oldest friend.

My ex said exactly the same to me. It’s just excuses to justify what they were doing. Even IF you were ‘bad’ in some way, that’s exactly the reason to talk to you and work it out. He chose not to, he chose to use it as an excuse to deflect the blame off him. Pathetic loser! Don’t buy into his BS

In reality, you've lost nothing, she was not a friend to do that. You are in shock. Would you consider some counselling to talk this through? This is a major loss to you right now.

Hopefully very soon you will see that this has been a blessing. You won't waste any more time on him or her.

How awful - does your friend know you know?

Do you have others who can support you?

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry. What an awful, awful thing to have to go through. Humans can be such selfish f#ckers!

Hey sorry you're dealing with this. Be strong, you've been badly treated. You might like to read over a lovely thread called 'some friendly words'. It's great that you've reached out to the wise women on MN. They've helped me lots. Good luck🌷

Want an awful double betrayal! I’m so sorry for you.

Yes I’m already having counselling to deal with the other two affairs, hahaha. Counsellor is great. I fear though that when I tell her this she will sack me as a client on the basis that I am clearly making it all up!

I phoned bridesmaid friend and told her I know - very calmly. She said “Let’s talk about this face to face. You know how much I love you, Pelagi”.

I also told her that H had been having an affair with other friend at the same time as with her. I don’t think she knew that.

I feel that I must have been awful, or failing so much as a wife, back then. It all started when my youngest was about 6 months old.

I was getting back on track after the first shock last year. Now I’m back to that out-of-body feeling again.

I have some fabulous friends and family. Although one friend is H’s sister. I’m seeing her tomorrow. Can’t really tell her though!!

Hi, I beg to differ, you certainly can tell yr SIL about her brother. As for taking this on yourself, feeling you somehow to blame, why?? In my view that’s completely unwarranted. No it hasn’t happened to me, but because of that perhaps I am able to see it more clearly, but , your H cheated, not only cheated he chose to cheat with willing partners. He chose to cheat with people he knew YOU knew. H and partners at fault here, NOT you. He’s a player, a two faced, crafty dishonest, disrespectful sneak, NOT you.

It could be me that’s the selfish one. I really struggled when the children were little to keep my head above water with them and a very difficult work situation. Maybe I was too self-absorbed.

I try to tell myself that it wasn’t my doing, but then I see lots of threads on here by people who are in an unhappy marriage with a spouse who won’t listen or meet their needs but they can’t leave for one reason or another. Maybe H was like them?

I have so much to do. Including, right now, sleeping. But I can’t concentrate.

Just wanted to say sorry this has happened to you OP, you seem lovely and deserve so much better. What an awful betrayal. Wish you all the best

I'm so sorry for you what did you say to your friend about meeting up? Are you interested in speaking with her about it and seeing what she has to say - will it change anything? If not, don't put yourself through it. You don't owe her an audience.

You absolutely can talk to SIL about this. She's a friend, if she's a true friend she can listen to you vent at the very least and be a shoulder to hug/cry on if needs be. If she takes his side in any way she's not a decent woman or friend! Although be prepared for her to say she doesn't want to be involved/know at all which is a fair response provided you feel she is a good friend otherwise.

There's never a 'can't' leave. If you're unhappy you try to resolve the issues or leave, not hurt another person and certainly not by having a continued affair with their oldest friend! Maybe... just maybe... he's a wanker!

Pelagi, I was definitely too self absorbed, struggling emotionally with mild anxiety and depression when each of my children were babies, but my Dh would never have thought, "hmmmmmm maybe i need to sneak around behind my wife's back and have multiple sexual relatiinships to feel better"
Only a complete arsehole, who happens to be blessed with the personal qualities of being , two faced, selfish, disrespectful, and having zero empathy, would play out that scenario.

There is nothing wrong with you and just about f,,,, ing thing everything wrong with him. Be very angry with thisbastard. Do not emtionally beat yourself up.

You are just you feeling vulnerable and questio ing yourself right now due to his particularly callous actions. Dont doubt yourself. You a deserving of a wonderful gorgeous sensitive, kind, fun and loving partner.

Hallelujia you are free of this man . Life can only get better and better now that you are free

Thank you all for your kind words. I said to bridesmaid friend that I didn’t want to see her. So I will just leave it at that. I don’t know whether she will contact me. She loves seeing our children (doesn’t have any of her own) but she will have to do that through H now.

I feel like I may have been unappreciative of him. I certainly felt unappreciated myself as far as I can remember. So maybe I was the same to him.

I don’t think I will tell SIL, it might be awkward for her and I don’t want that. Plus we want to have a chat about nice normal things. I’m exhausted enough talking about what I already knew had happened over the last few moths

Haha months not moths

I absolutely agree I am better without him.

I fell out with bridesmaid friend after I split up with H over some things she said that upset me (unusual for me, I haven’t fallen out with anyone else before). The things she said make a lot more sense now!!

I agreed to make up with her because I didn’t want H’s actions to destroy my oldest friendship. Little did I know it was destroyed already.

I could have written you post word for word apart from I had a 6 month old and was pregnant with no2 at the time - have only just found out 2 years down the line. Please don't think this is your fault, don't ever blame yourself for your husbands actions I'm hurting beyond words now but I'll come out of this stronger & so will you.

Your husband had a choice. He could have chosen to communicate with you about getting your marriage back on track, but instead he decided to go and stick his dick in a couple of your 'friend's.

Unless somebody was holding a gun to his head forcing him to have sex with these women, then there is no valid excuse.

He is a nasty abusive prick and you have had a lucky escape.

Read the book by Lundy Bancroft: Why does he do that?

You have done nothing wrong....... He has done it all.
He has chosen to be unfaithful.
He has chosen to fuck up his marriage.
He has chosen to be a dishonest, lying cheat.

Please get your self STI checked.

Then be gentle with yourself, you have done nothing wrong.

I have no advice or words of wisdom but I just want to say you sound absolutely lovely. You’ve been betrayed and you may never know why.