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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can this be real? You couldn’t make it up

90 replies

Pelagi · 15/03/2020 00:43

I should be trying to go to sleep but I can’t.

Last year I found out that my husband had been having an affair, for a few months. So I told him to leave.

After we split up I found out that he’d had a multiple-year affair with someone I thought was a friend.

Now I have learned that he also had a multiple-year affair with my oldest friend who was bridesmaid at our wedding.

In one message to bridesmaid friend he said he was doing it to help his marriage and get what he was missing from that.

I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Not sure why I’m posting. I want to be told it’s not down to me. But all I can think of is the negative things they said about me. Was I (am I) that bad? Don’t know why I’m asking, none of you can know!

OP posts:
lamppostdog · 15/03/2020 07:41

Tell everyone, you are not to blame. Let them deal with the fallout of their shitty behaviour

Original poster
Pelagi · 15/03/2020 08:01

I will put this behind me, I know. Assuming I don’t find any more!
I’m in such shock. She claimed to be a lesbian and went on about how she hated “men’s bits”. See what I mean about the counsellor likely not believing me?!
These other people seemed to think he was so kind and loving and he said the same to them. But not to me.
But anyway I am going to try as hard as I can to just not think about it.

OP posts:
BlimeyCalmDown · 15/03/2020 08:04

Flowers at least you can remove all the rotten apples from your life, once you get past the shock you will be glad you know Flowers stay strong xxx

Hmpher · 15/03/2020 08:09

No, it is absolutely not your fault and I feel for you so much. What a shit situation to find yourself in. Your head must be spinning. It’s great that you’ve already got a counsellor.

If I was unhappy in my relationship and, instead of speaking to my spouse about it, decided to have an affair... I would be in the wrong. To have that affair with a friend of hers is even worse.

If I was somebody’s friend and their husband came onto me, telling me some sob story about how their relationship was awful, I’d tell him where to go and let my friend know about his disrespectful behaviour. I wouldn’t have an affair with the sleazeball. You were surrounded by absolute wankers and didn’t know it - not your fault.

And that’s even without knowing what was happening in your relationship at that time, because you haven’t mentioned much. But the early years with children are difficult for most couples. A real man would step up and accept that he’s no longer a priority, that their children are the priority and that life is different for a while. Not go whingeing to other women because he’s not getting enough sex (assuming that was one of his complaints). He sounds pathetic.

Justjoshin22 · 15/03/2020 08:18

Poor you, what a shock to the system and hard for you. Relationships are rarely black and white and you probably weren’t perfect, however that doesn’t justify your husbands behaviour, particularly with your friends. They have a lot to answer for, too. No advice, apart from to continue with your counselling, surround yourself with lovely people and be kind to yourself.

Original poster
Pelagi · 15/03/2020 08:41

When I spoke to bridesmaid friend briefly last night to tell her I knew, I asked her if she’d been on a weekend away that H had done, I thought by himself (he used to occasionally go away for a few days or so to get away from the day-to-day grind) but from the info I saw it seemed actually she’d gone too. And she said, “Let it go.” Isn’t that a bit early?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pelagi · 15/03/2020 08:42

Anyway, off to do Jobs For The Day.

OP posts:
aufaitaccompli · 15/03/2020 08:55

OP she doesn't get to tell you to let it go. No bloody way.

I know you will be better than ok. Trust yourself and the process. Try not to chase the why's because I doubt very much you'll get the truth Flowers

pickingdaisies · 15/03/2020 09:18

Let it go? Cheeky mare!

Frenchw1fe · 15/03/2020 09:26

Your bridesmaid doesn't get to tell you 'let it go' when she's been a willing duplicitous bit on the side with your dh.
She should be apologising and remove herself from your life.

LadyMadderRose · 15/03/2020 09:28

I really struggled when the children were little to keep my head above water with them and a very difficult work situation. Maybe I was too self-absorbed.

This isn't self absorbed, it's giving a lot of yourself to work and DC, like many women do, and being exhausted and overwhelmed like many women are. If that means there's less attention or sex for their DH, well he should be pulling his weight and being supportive, not running off with other women! (And as a PP said even if you were self-absorbed that's no excuse.)

It's not your fault your H was a cheating arse, it's his fault. And you're definitely not alone either as this is pretty common - though I can understand the awful shock of finding out in retrospect and that he had TWO of them, and it being your friends - that's just awful Flowers

People who are cheating know they are in the wrong and that's while they'll try to blame the cheated-on person. Don't take it to heart.

LadyMadderRose · 15/03/2020 09:31

"Let it go"? Shock

Bloody hell what a cow! LET IT GO??? What did you say?

lamppostdog · 15/03/2020 09:34

Tell everyone!!!!

billy1966 · 15/03/2020 09:36

OP, this is not your fault.

Please tell people.
Keeping it quiet just protects them.

They are horrible selfish people that i hope get what they deserve.

Alwaystwomagpies · 15/03/2020 09:40

He had total control over how he behaved

How you have been in the marriage affected him but he then made choices like we all do.

He could have told you if he was unhappy, sought counselling, left.
He had many options.

Cheating on you multiple times was the one he chose because he is a selfish prick.

NOT because of anything you did or didn’t do.

Only he was responsible for what he did.

You have to keep looking forward
Remind yourself every single morning of three good things (a la a famous instamum but it does work) which can be things that are happening or things about yourself

-I am brave

  • I am a good mum
  • I am a great cook
  • I am going to finish that book I’ve enjoyed
-the kid got his swim badge -my hair straightened really well today

Etc
Everyday you look in the mirror and say them out loud

You have a whole life ahead of you and it is yours to do with as you wish. So many things you can do and enjoy. But right now it’s just getting through and taking big breaths.

justilou1 · 15/03/2020 09:42

Jesus! She thinks you’re bloody Elsa! I think letting her go (as you have decided to do) is only logical. They have both played you for a fool. I’m so sorry!!! You really don’t deserve this!

Twillow · 15/03/2020 09:43

There has been some particularly vicious victim-blaming on MN recently, but reading through here not the slightest whisper that any of this is your fault. Please be reassured. Tell your counsellor without worry - it's just more evidence that your husband was an inveterate philanderer. Awful betrayal from your bridesmaid too, I'm sorry.

Lifeisabeach09 · 15/03/2020 09:47

I get what you are saying, OP. Your H may have had AN affair due to issues in the relationship.
However, multiple affairs with different women (sometimes, coinciding) is compulsive. He has psychological issues--narcissism, low esteem, I don't know.
I do know that he is no longer your problem. Cut off from him (aside from contact about the kids and financials), cut this friend from your life, and, certainly, don't keep his secret from his family.

This is not on you.
Flowers

ChoporNot · 15/03/2020 09:52

On threads on here, if people are struggling in their marriages the advice is to talk, counselling, LTB, kick them out, end the relationship etc. That is what decent people do. At NO point is the advice to "Go shag your OH's friend - that'll help." He was/is a twat. You are not.

If you were having a rough time at any point did you go and shag someone else to make you feel better? No?

He did.

You are not in any way to blame for this. He is. His decisions. His actions.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/03/2020 10:00

PLease, please stop allowing him to offload his guilt onto you.

This is ALL on HIM.

Most decent men are able to keep their dicks under control when their wife is in changing circumstances, such as after the birth of children etc. - yours not only isn't capable, he's far from decent. I mean seriously - 3 women on the go?? That's not even an affair (or affairs) - that's shagging about. What a foul specimen he is.

Thinkingabout1t · 15/03/2020 10:13

Your bridesmaid ‘friend’ said “Let it go”. What a damned cheek. If she had grovelled apologies, maybe you could consider forgiving her, just maybe. But I wouldn’t, if as you say it went on for years. Let her go.

But your husband is by far the worst. Cheating time and again, gaslighting you, breaking your friendships.

Please don’t feel any guilt or responsibility, Pelagi. The fault is all his. I am so sad that he has done this and i hope you have genuine friends to help you through.

MulticolourMophead · 15/03/2020 10:33

OP, I think you'll find your counsellor has heard similar before. Your H is a player, and clearly was just looking for excuses to shag other women.

It wasn't you. Yes, we all get absorbed by our DC, but that's natural, they can't look after themselves.

He could have chosen to be a decent man and supported you. That he chose to fuck other women (chose, remember, no one was forcing him to sleep with others) is not your fault. He wanted to go and shag others.

I seriously doubt that you were a poor wife at all, he's just trying to lay blame anywhere but himself.

I also think you should tell his sister, and everyone else, about the affairs. Don't keep his secrets, and hold your head high.

IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 15/03/2020 10:35

OP there is nothing wrong with you what so ever.He and they chose to do this because they are lower than slugs bellies...What goes round does indeed come around and I hope they get their come upance for the dreadful way they treated you. Those ladies and I use that term loosly are as bad as he is and deserve not one momentof your headspace any longer. I am really sorry but non of this is down to you at all..

gisogiso · 15/03/2020 10:46

Doesn't sound like you've lost your oldest friend sounds like good riddance to someone who was definitely an enemy !!! All the nasty things they say about you are just a way of easing their own conscience to carry on behaving so vile ! Nasty horrible people you are worth more and will have a much better life without them making you paranoid or insecure ! Xx

ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself · 15/03/2020 10:52

She said let it go?!

This is real life, not fucking Frozen.

You poor, poor thing. You've been treated so cruelly and it's such a shame that people being utter cunts to us makes us question our own worth and 'goodness'.

As much as it is awful the truth is that only time will make you feel better. One day you'll look back and laugh at how pathetic they all are and how little they are worth as people compared to you.

I'm really thinking of you today ThanksThanksThanks