Can this be real? You couldn’t make it up

[Pelagi]

I should be trying to go to sleep but I can’t.

Last year I found out that my husband had been having an affair, for a few months. So I told him to leave.

After we split up I found out that he’d had a multiple-year affair with someone I thought was a friend.

Now I have learned that he also had a multiple-year affair with my oldest friend who was bridesmaid at our wedding.

In one message to bridesmaid friend he said he was doing it to help his marriage and get what he was missing from that.

I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Not sure why I’m posting. I want to be told it’s not down to me. But all I can think of is the negative things they said about me. Was I (am I) that bad? Don’t know why I’m asking, none of you can know!

@Pelagi, check your messages. re Book link - Lundy Bancroft: Why does he do that?

You are not awful and you have not failed! Your husband is a poor excuse for a man, and to be honest you are much better off without him. Your "friends" are awful however, and they have failed you. I have no words of advice, other than to please stop blaming yourself, and I hope you can move forward from these betrayals.

Definitely tell sil and anyone else in his family you are close too. She is going to find out pretty soon anyway.

your H cheated, not only cheated he chose to cheat with willing partners. He chose to cheat with people he knew YOU knew. H and partners at fault here, NOT you. He’s a player, a two faced, crafty dishonest, disrespectful sneak, NOT you

As above.

This is not your fault. he is a manipulative chancer. No matter how "neglected" he felt, it doesn't excuse the lying, the cheating, the deceit - and the deliberate humiliation he heaped on you by shagging your "friends".

Your whole world has collapsed around you. You have just found that none of the people you trusted without reservation were honest with you. Of course you feel sick and upset.

Cut them out of your life as much as you can. Thank your lucky stars that he didn't infect you with anything, and DO NOT ALLOW HIM, OR ANYONE ELSE TO MAKE YOU FEEL RESPONSIBLE.

This is on them - not you.

I'm so sorry to read this, Pelagi. You're kind not to want to tell your sister in law - who may find out anyway if not the identity of people your ex had affairs with.
I hope better things are ahead.

You didn’t fail, he is just a pig. I’m more sorry your so called friends could do this to you. Please don’t forgive them, they don’t deserve it! Think yourself lucky you now know none of them are worthy of your love

You are not awful. This is not your fault. Just to let you know this isn’t just you. A good friend of mine had this happen to her when her baby was 6 months old. In her situation, she only found out a year later because he caught something nasty. If it wasn’t for that, he would have carried on. It wasn’t her fault. She’s one of the most vibrant, interesting, wonderful people I’ve ever met. She has a huge amount of friends because she’s so wonderful. How could it possibly be her fault? He said he did it because it was offered to him and he was feeling left out/depressed because her attention was on the baby and not him. That’s immature and his issue not hers. Cheating because a new baby needs it’s mother’s attention. It’s vile. If every man did that then there wouldn’t be any marriage at all! It’s ridiculous. Your husband went looking for it at a time he should have been focusing on you. He has a personality defect. He has to have the attention of the woman he’s with to feel important. He needs his ego massaged. He’s probably got what’s called a “fragile ego”. You are well rid. Imagine what would happen if you became poorly or when you’re elderly? You need somebody you know will be in your corner. Get rid of the toxic/cheating man and friends and get yourself in the position to find somebody you can rely on

I also told her that H had been having an affair with other friend at the same time as with her. I don’t think she knew that

Tell her he did it to help his relationship with her, to get what was missing from that!

OK OP, this is all truly horrible. But the very fact that he is a multiple cheat shows that it is him, not you.

He had absolutely no boundaries of respect or integrity. Ugh. Revolting man.

It has been a long time since something similar happened to me and it has taken a lot of therapy to come to terms with it without feeling like a total failure. There's always a choice they make.

I'm sorry this has happened to you and you have now lost your friend. I know she wasn't really a true friend to you, but you felt she was, so it stings all the same doesn't it .

Best wishes .

Your fault that he needed to have an affair with two other women. Your fault that both those women happened to be friends of yours?

No. Even if I bought into the idea that other people can be pushed into an affair by an unreasonable partner, they can't push them into multiple, concurrent affairs, or push them to choose the people their spouse relied on the most.

Your ex got a thrill out of having affairs that were close to home. Got a thrill out of the secrecy, playing three women off against each other without them knowing. Got a thrill out of the betrayal. None of that was you. His character is pretty awful. Whatever kind of wife you were (and I highly doubt you were the wife you fear you were) his actions were nasty. It's not a coincidence that he had long-running affairs with two of your friends. He didn't fall in love and not know how to tell you. This has to have been at least somewhat deliberate on his part.

But all I can think of is the negative things they said about me. Was I (am I) that bad? Don’t know why I’m asking, none of you can know!

What we do know is these 2 people are cheats and liars. You are not.

Is it easier for you to think that you're at fault? Rather than face the fact that the people you trusted are not the people that you thought they were?

I f

I feel for you , you have been betrayed by those you put so much trust in and no doubt are left with the questions of who you can trust now. You must believe this truth - This is not your doing . If there were problems he could have spoke to you , he didn’t . How can you be sure you could ever trust him again , what would be different for him this time ?
I am going through the same type of situation so am also so conflicted. I cried and have myself a big hug . You deserved to be loved , whatever things he said you did , you never deserved this . Be strong x

So glad you are well rid of your Xh mamafive, another selfish dishonest partner. Glad you are looking to take care of you- the future will be so much brighter
For you mamafive

Pelagi Sun 15-Mar-20 00:59:53

I feel that I must have been awful, or failing so much as a wife, back then. It all started when my youngest was about 6 months old

Oh no my dear, it was not you. You were married to an utterly horrible man, someone incapable of an honest, loving relationship with anyone.

He even cheated on the woman he was cheating on you with. And trying to lay the blame on you is pure evil.

Tell his sister.

I'd suggest you need to tell people - counsellor, SIL, anyone else who stands still long enough!
Seriously, this is nothing that you did or did not do.
You were busy with a new baby - which is fair enough, as they cannot look after themselves.
Rather than pitching in as a team and helping you through those hard, early stages he decided to do the dirty with one of your friends. Can you not see that he was behaving like a toddler? If wife will not look after me (a grown man) then I will teach her a lesson and go with her friend. If he was just sex starved he could have sorted himself out, or helped you so that you had more energy and inclination for bedroom antics. But no, he looks for not just any port in a storm he looks for someone close to you, to give that double betrayal. Even more proof that he was not just desperate for a shag was that he had affairs with two women. Utter scumbag. This shows his level of selfishness and manipulation.
You are well rid. And I'm very glad that you told your bridesmaid. The more people you tell, you will see from their reactions that he is the lowest of the low.
Your counsellor will believe you, have no doubt.

Don't be silly course its, not you, sounds like he was a snake in the grass and whilst people caught are always trying to justify things on the basis of they were not getting what they needed, the reality is in most cases they were just telling themselves and others to make themselves feel better. Its the oldest trick in the book and causes most women and men who are in this position to look to see whether they drove their partner away by falling short of what was required. Its also what really awful people tell their prospective affairs to get the sympathy vote and normally they are not just abusing your trust but also theirs because this works with people like your friend as it tugs on the heartstrings. Your better of without him and have no reason to feel guilty.

Its Not you. Not at all.
It's him.

He is a grade A twat.

Your sense of safety has been massively damaged

Please read this article / website because I think it will really help you make sense of what has gone “wrong”.

www.alturtle.com/archives/1331

“If you aren’t hearing daily from your partner about the details of their inner world, you are probably heading for trouble.” This is big grown-up stuff.

The process of honesty takes huge courage as it involves hurting someone with the content of your mind in order to hurt them less and becoming very intimate with them.

What a little arsehole loser he is!! Unbefuckinglievable!! He can't even be original and find his own friends to stick his dick in - he has to involve yours. I can't believe this wasn't maliciously deliberate just to see how close to the wind he can sail. Frankly, they all deserve each other but YOU, well you deserve the absolute best. Please stop blaming yourself immediately, you can't have made any contribution that could possibly deserve this! Instead you have been let down massively and it is ALL THEIR FAULT. I imagine your bridesmaid ex friend will bitterly regret this for the rest of her life... as she should. And your ex belongs in the gutter. Glad you dumped Goldendick already. You can't trust a word he says. NOT YOU NOT YOU NOT YOU it is all him. You are the One That Got Away x

@Pelagi
I hope you managed to get some sleep.

No matter how bad a relationship/marriage is there is never a reason to cheat.
You could have been the worst wife in the world (which you definitely werent) but that is no excuse to cheat.
Your husband could have left at any time, he chose not to leave or even try to work on his 'issues'.
The betrayal is all his and as for your ex friends - they are also lower than low.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, you will get through this because you are a strong woman.

My husband had numerous emotional affairs, I was guilted in to staying but I never cheated, I took my wedding vows seriously.
If I had cheated I expect people would have said he deserved it but I could never have done that.

Thank you again for your supportive words. I slept for what felt like about five minutes!

The article was interesting, thank you, although I’ll need to read it again when my brain is less of a fog. I think there is a need to “understand” and to allocate my part in it because that might mean I had some sort of control.

No danger of seeing the ex-friends. One moved away from the area a few years ago and cut herself off from all friends, to get away from H. Bridesmaid friend I just don’t see to see.

H I need to be in contact with forever because we have 3 DC.

I really wish there was a bit of my brain where I could put all this and forget it and get on with life.

There will be a place. It is called the past. You have just not stepped into it yet.
One day, this will not matter.
The sooner you let that day arrive the better.
Forgive yourself, none of this was down to you at all.

You have been treated in the most appalling way OP. You are dead right to feel the way you do but have you got angry? Proper expressed anger may help you see a way out of feeling the way you do.

None of this is your fault. He couldn't keep it in his trousers when he should have been helping you get through the tough times.

I know you have to see him but blank him as far as you are able. Be hostile to him but fair where the DC are concerned. It might really help you if you found your anger. My ex treated me badly and badmouthed me. Nothing on the scale you have had to deal with though. He cleared out his stuff but left some important things behind. I found them and binned them and when he wrote a rather meek letter asking for them, I sent a, 'Not known at this address' response back. You need to find your, 'fuck you' response. Anger can be cold and steely not just hot and firey. You feel so much better when you give some back!