Can this be real? You couldn’t make it up

[Pelagi]

I should be trying to go to sleep but I can’t.

Last year I found out that my husband had been having an affair, for a few months. So I told him to leave.

After we split up I found out that he’d had a multiple-year affair with someone I thought was a friend.

Now I have learned that he also had a multiple-year affair with my oldest friend who was bridesmaid at our wedding.

In one message to bridesmaid friend he said he was doing it to help his marriage and get what he was missing from that.

I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Not sure why I’m posting. I want to be told it’s not down to me. But all I can think of is the negative things they said about me. Was I (am I) that bad? Don’t know why I’m asking, none of you can know!

It’s not all on HIM, the Driedsmaid has also played a role in this too. She has lied and manipulated OP as well. Lying, conniving, bitch of a woman who has decided that the OP’s feelings are worth less than her own. Obviously neither Driedsmaid nor Ex respected you for the intelligent, strong, caring woman that you are, OP. They’re going to be very lonely.

The only thing you are to blame for op is loving and trusting 3 scumbags.

What he done is not your fault. It's all on him. He made his choices and was looking for any pathetic excuse to make you feel like shit and believe it was you who made him cheat.
No one made him cheat, he wanted to cheat.
This all says a lot about him and your so called friends.
It's says NOTHING about you.

I've come back to this thread today feeling so very sad for you. You've not only lost the man you love but lost two people who you thought were friends. He was so deceitful!

I can't help thinking he is an extremely manipulate man to be able to influence your friends as he did, as well as any other women about whom you know nothing. It's a strange thing but some men are like that and get away with it for years (to be fair I expect some woman do the same). They are dangerous and should carry a warning sign.

This put me in mind of a novel I read a few years ago which was turned into a TV drama - Secret Smile by Nicci French. It was about a man who wormed his way into the life of one woman, then her sister before moving on to her best friend and ultimately another woman as well as manipulating her family who for a while thought he was the bees knees. It went much further than sexual relationships, was quite sinister but he definitely was a type.

If you can get the TV series do watch, it starred David Tennant who was charm personified.
www.imdb.com/title/tt0462520/

Apparently it's on Amazon Prime.

You are all so kind.

I always want to make sure I take responsibility for my own actions and I am sure that if the relationship was difficult back then (it’s so hard to remember, likely it was as we had three very small children) then I must have contributed to that. But I can’t take responsibility for the actions of others and their reaction to the situation.

That’s the logical approach but in my heart I feel like I just want everything to stop hurting. And it is impossible to shake that belief yet that I was so self-absorbed and inward-looking that I failed to appreciate what I had and allowed it all to happen. And of course finding this out only makes me more self-absorbed right now.

But I know it will pass. Time time time.

(Sorry, that’s a bit of a ramble!)

Bridesmaid friend would feel the sharp side of my tongue ..how fucking dare she decide what your emotions feelings and betrayal should be .. You need to be angry OP.. you be damned angry .. and I would tell everyone exactly what she did... he's scum and she's a tramp..

But all I can think of is the negative things they said about me. Was I (am I) that bad?
So your question is, are you so bad that your husband was forced to have sex with multiple other women including one that was meant to be a close friend?

That's a very specific kind of bad. I'm not sure I've ever come across that kind of bad before.

Let's assume the very worst, though, and say YES. You are such a horrible self-absorbed person that you neglected your husband. So, of course, he pointed it out to you and said that you needed to work on your marriage. But you being so self-absorbed, you didn't want to. So he insisted that you go to marriage counselling. And when that didn't work, he left and filed for divorce. Then he waited a while before starting dating again.

Even in that story, where you are definitely the baddy, you're not that bad.

In the real story, where he has to find reasons why he is being such a shit, and blames it on you, and you are the one who is soul-searching and feeling guilty, you're also not that bad.

You are doing very well in a difficult time! Your world has been turned upside down but you are really trying to work on yourself already and that’s great...and the only thing you can ever do in life.

That wasn’t the easiest article on his website. Read the one in Safety and The Lizard and I think quite a bit will become clearer ( I hope)
www.alturtle.com/archives/1239

Then have a browse around, when you are feeling up to it.

You can get through this. And you can build either a better next relationship, or (if you both put your hearts in it) recover this one.

it is impossible to shake that belief yet that I was so self-absorbed and inward-looking that I failed to appreciate what I had and allowed it all to happen. And of course finding this out only makes me more self-absorbed right now.

It's not 'self absorbed' to be reeling from the pain of such horrific betrayal by three people. If you were skipping around like Pollyanna or telling people you really, really forgave the three of them I think people would be really worried about you.

And stop blaming yourself for the choices your rotten husband made when he should have been just as fully engaged with three small children as you were. He must have done a real number on you over the years, emotionally and psychologically, for you to think you contributed to this in any way.

Acetobacter, that article is really interesting. Also from a parenting point of view.

I’m feeling somewhat more part of the real world now. Possibly due to wine :-)

I find myself feeling a little bit sorry for the women involved - I think they have probably lost something as a result of their involvement with H, whereas he has gained a lot. Anyway, he and they are not my problem now.

What a double whammy

Listen the one thing you have
Learnt Is heartbreakingly not only your husband is a cheat , but your friends are too

You must let the blinkers lift up and realise what appaling people they are , with zero
Values . Or
Morality , or loyalty

It’s not you , but curious if you ever saw any hints with any of them ?

I would urge you to not blame yourself , and whilst I don’t advocate anger — you would be justified in being very angry indeed

You need to get very angry.
This man is potentially a genuine psychopath
At least a narcissist

Look up narcissistic personality disorder

Nothing you did made him do what he did. Sure, he will blame you but it's just not true. Was he perfect, if he wasn't would you have done what he did? When my now ex actually went off with someone [whomI'd known for 20 years and had been in our lives most of that time] he actually confessed to other infidelities. And I think he only confessed to ones he thought I might find out about.
He betrayed your trust, put you at risk of STIs [do have a check-up please] and being angry is highly appropriate. Place the blame on him, that's where it belongs, and tell whoever will listen what has happened. Asking why is a stage to get to. And you have been betrayed by people you trusted, people you thought were friends. People will say that you shouldn't get angry with the other women because it was your husband who made vows to you, not them. Bollocks, they knew he was married, they deceived you, they could have said no way, you are married and I'm your wife's friend, but they didn't. So it's a double betrayal. If it had been a woman at work who'd been told that he was getting a divorce, you'd not be happy but you'd not be thinking about how she'd betrayed your friendship, she'd be another deceived woman.

It's a lot to process and it will take time. You have learnt that your life was a lie and was there anything else that you haven't yet discovered, your history has to be rewritten. What was true, what else was a lie. I'd like to suggest Chumplady's Leave a cheater, gain a lift, she has a website too, and honestly, it was so very helpful and supportive

Yep,I suspect he did a number on all of you, a variation on the old "my wife doesn't understand me" routine. It made it easier for both him and the OW to betray you by blaming you. So they didn't have to look too closely at their own behaviour. But saying it doesn't make it true. It was their fault, not yours.

Pelagi, I think this is perversely a wonderful opportunity, once the (admittedly huge) shock has subsided. It means the state of blindness you were both in before has ended, abruptly and painfully, and the opportunity to become wide awake and with it learn some wonderful skills. My kids are already noticing the difference in me since I “woke up” and started validating them, acknowledging their emotions, stopping the ordering around, taking the time for everyone, asking them what they need...I came from a low empathy family and am learning the hard way but I am very grateful to learn...

I am far from perfect but I am full of inspiration and already thinking about doing volunteer work when I have the opportunity...this has really changed me... I am a little evangelical :-) !!!