DP has really upset me (sex)

[Owleyes16]

NC for this because I'm kind of embarrassed and confused.

Some background: I'm 24 and DP is 30, we've been together for 5 years, lived together for 3, and he's the only person I've ever been with, my first everything. We're generally great, best friends, love each other more all the time, never had any major issues. Sex life is normally great.

We've been TTC 6 months now so this has started to take its toll on me mentally, the last 2 weeks I've been very anxious and upset but I have improved over the last few days and looking forward to trying again. However because of how I have been feeling, and life getting in the way, we haven't had sex for 3 weeks.

Today was going to be the day we got back to it, I started running my bath and we were kind of playing around, and kissing, cuddling, etc. I told him I wanted to wait until after my bath to have sex because I didn't feel clean. Bath finished, I get naked ready to get in and we get a bit carried away, he especially is very excited. Anyway, we end up start having sex and he says "oh you really do smell" and I remind him I did say I wanted my bath first. Annoying, but continue, he didn't say it in a nasty way just matter of fact, and to be fair I did. Then he said a few times about how "wide" and "loose" I am and kept commenting on that and how wet I was. I got really self conscious and stopped, I didn't really know what he meant by that but I just felt awful, it's not a nice thing to say, and I told him that, he apologies, I get in the bath.

Then some time later he comes in with a face on him and tells me that he's sorry for upsetting me, but I have to understand that "as a guy, when you're wide it makes me think that you haven't been faithful". You don't have to tell me how gross that is, in so many ways. I told him how upset I was and how stupid he is, he apologises more, and we've barely spoke since.

He came in the front room a while ago to ask me what was wrong, and upon finding I'm clearly still upset, he said that he can't say sorry anymore than he has and he can't cope with the tension, etc. And I just said yes I know you can't do anything about it now, but it doesn't mean I can't still be upset, that I feel disrespected and insulted. He stormed back off to the bedroom and I haven't heard him since.

I really don't know what to do about this. I don't know how to feel. This is the first time in our relationship I've felt like this, just like he doesn't respect me and won't take responsibility for what he's said, sorry just doesn't feel good enough. I know he's going to try to pretend as though nothing has happened soon, come in and cuddle me and I'll have to forget about it and get on with it, but I don't know if I can let it go. He's accused me of cheating on him, has shown his ignorance re female anatomy, has insulted my biology, made me feel self conscious, etc.

Am I overreacting? How can we move forward from this? Sorry this was so long, I didn't want to drip feed.

This is so awful. Is he projecting something because that's a random thing to come out with. I'd stop trying to conceive. He's your first. He should not be your last. Don't let this be your future.

He's awful OP! When they think they can say things like that, it means they don't respect you at all, they think they can say anything and you won't finish with them.

Please don't shag him so you don't risk getting pregnant, and finish with him.

This is not an ok way to treat you- you deserve better than this.

Honestly the only response is to never have sex with this man again.

He is a mysoginist pig. Move out and move on. The bare minimum requirement for a relationship with children is respect. He does not respect you.

You are young and there’s a whole world out there and lot of lovely men. This vile example of a person is not one of these.

Gather real life support and get out of this relationship. Just leave. Go to a friend and never look back. Thank goodness you aren’t pregnant.

Please do not put up with this or accept his apologies. He knew what he was saying. You were supposed to feel shit about yourself, but quietly.

Have my first LTB. Vile.

Only an dickhead with a profound ignorance of female anatomy would say something so unpleasant. That he's accusing you of being unfaithful when he knows he's your first and only partner makes me wonder if he's considering cheating on you himself. Whether he is or not I'd be reconsidering TTC with him.

Am I overreacting? No. You aren't.

I understand that you feel very committed to this man but I would dump a more casual partner who spoke to me like that

He's disgusting. How dare he say those things to you? You deserve so much better. If i were you id immediately stop having sex with him and make plans to leave. I wonder what else he does or says that makes you feel uncomfortable.

You are too young to be stuck with a partner who says things like that to you. It wont be a one off, he will do it again and again and again.

You are 24 and only been with this one man. What’s the rush to have a baby anyway???
And why start with that and not with making sure this is a relationship that has a staying power.
In a more normal development - it’ll look like that - dating, moving in together, living together for a while, marriage, financial security, house, THEN baby....
Living together for 3 years isn’t a long relationship, and especially when you met him as a teenager and haven’t yet got to the point of being a mature adult.
Many relationships that start in that age run into trouble after 10-15 years when you realise you have changed a lot and your don’t fit together anymore.

But back to that comment - your BF sounds about 15. Not necessarily a reason for a breakup, but just a sign that he isn’t really ready.

Another point on timing - getting pregnant as a choice in the time when the country’s health system will be dealing with pandemic isn’t a smartest choice. On many levels.
If you got pregnant now and needed care in the next 9 mo - there just won’t be anyone around.
Slow down and figure out your relationship instead.

Massive red flag.

I'd think long and hard about the future of this relationship.

I'd also advise you not to get pregnant, but TBH you'd be doing well to ever want to shag him - if I were you he wouldn't be getting anywhere near me ever again.

Please dont get pregnant by this guy. You'll bitterly regret it.

Take the MAP. Leave.

Stop trying to have a baby with this man. You are only 24 and met him when you were 19. This isn’t normal behaviour. Nice kind men (most men) do not behave like that. Move on and find someone who really loves you and wouldn’t say such horrible things. I doubt you did smell - anyway a bit of a smell as long as it’s not stale BO never did any harm. We all Smell at times. Tell him to clear off

Me and DH have the same age gap and met a year younger. We've both changed so much in the last 9 years. Luckily DH is still a lovely and decent man.
What your partner said to you was vile. The only comments that should be made during sex are compliments imo. Especially if you have the added pressure of TTC. I personally would not be able to get over that as it would be in my head every time we slept together. It sounds like your partner is not maturing with you over the years and you might not be compatible any more.

this guy is deranged. never have sex with him again. rally friends and family around and leave him.

He hates you. Dump him.

Red flags all over the place. What would you think if your best friend told you her partner said these things to her?

I could cry because this was me and my relationship in my early twenties. It took me two years after comments like that (which escalated into full blown overt abusive behaviour) to leave him. My biggest regret in life is not leaving him the first moment he disrespected me like that. I've since moved on but those two years ruined me for a time. Please get away from him and do not have his child!!

He's a twat. Do NOT have a child with him.

Straight away I found myself wondering who he was comparing you to. Seems a bit out-of-the-blue for him to just comment after 5 years.

I remember reading a problem page once. A bf complained that the gf was loose and wet. The thing was, he worked abroad and had got used to self relief. A tight, dry hand. He had forgotten about how an aroused woman would self lubricate and her muscles would relax. Could this be an explanation?

Put ttc on hold. You either need a decent DP or the most honest conversation of your relationship.
I am on the thread about signs your dp is having an affair. Picky diggy criticisms when none before, is very high on the list.

Echoing everyone else.

At the risk of sounding patronising- you are young, he is vile, don't shackle yourself to him.

Expanded version
There are lots of things that ring alarm bells before even looking at his behaviour- he's your first, you were young when you got together etc.

Then he makes two unpleasant personal comments during sex- smell and wide.

Then he accuses you of being unfaithful.

Then he blames you for being unreasonable for being upset (at his vile behaviour) even though he's apologised.

Believe me, if you let this go and stay with him it will get worse.

I couldn't get over that, I don't think.

(As an aside, ffs he really doesn't understand basic physiology does he? We do not get "wide and loose" when we have had sex with somebody else, even if their penis is bigger )

Agree with PPs.
Besides being utterly ignorant about sexual anatomy and physiology, this man is whittling down your self-esteem and confidence.
LTB.

as a guy, when you're wide it makes me think that you haven't been faithful

Are there actually men living today who still think that!!? That is absolutely absurd! For the love of fuck do not have children with this man, there are red flags EVERYWHERE!! 🚩🚩🚩

What the hell have I just read? There is something deeply deeply wrong with him. I don’t know what it is, but something wrong there is. He’s like some sick perverted entitled teenager from the dark ages who doesn’t under stand sex. Honestly don’t have a child with this, whatever he is.

This should be a relationship ender for you op.

I was afraid you'd all say that

I really can't imagine having sex with him again, at least not any time soon! I really am shocked, he can be childish but nothing like this. He is self conscious, especially about the size of his penis (though I reassure him it's great for me) and his ageing (going grey etc) so I feel its probably come from that. We're both fat (moreso lately with stress) and he's never given me anything but compliments before, has reassured me and helped me through body image issues, cared for me when I was very ill down to carrying me to the toilet at times, shaving my legs for me even! So given all that I really am shocked and don't know how to move forward.