Do I "force" sister to spend time with DD?

[Whowantstogotothepark]

We live in Australia. My sister lives in the same city, which is why we moved here. We have one daughter. We have lived here for 5 years. My daughter loves her aunt and she is the only family we have here. My sister spent loads of time with us when we first moved here and was and is still is a lovely person. However as time as gone one we see each other less. I always invite her to join us about once every 2 weeks to a month to for days out, dinner or nights down the pub, etc. She never suggests anything ever at all with us socially.

About a year ago I noticed her saying no to invites. Then I realised she wasn't really spending anytime with DD any longer. I find it hurtful that she appears to not want to spend time with me and dh, but really it is DD that I am concerned about. We can only travel home once a year, so dd has only ds as family that she can see regularly. But ds doesn't seem to care about seeing her.

To put other facts out there: ds lives 15 mins drive from us, she literally drives past our house everyday on her way to and from work. Ds loves kids (is a teacher) and spends at least once a week with her friend's daughter (same age as DD - 8) and they go on holiday together at least a couple of times a year. I think that's what hurts the most.

Ds is single, has no kids of her own, but a full social life.

Anyway as a solution, I tried to organise DD going round to ds's place once a week after school to just hang out so that they can spend time together. Ds says yes out of politeness, but I need to chase her up every week, so I know her heart isn't in it (ds is a very organised person). Dh says I am forcing ds and I should just accept the situation. But I am really upset that ds just ignores her niece when she knows she is her only extended family her. And all they do is watch telly for two hours on a night when ds would be in anyway. By the way, dd is a really sweet little girl. No way a handful or nasty.

I actually feel hurt for myself and very sad for DD because if I follow dh's way of looking at it, dd would see her aunt very infrequently. We are moving back to Europe at the end of this year. DD and ds will see each once every year and a half from then on.

Am I wrong to force my sister to spend time with DD?

I'm sorry, it's not clear from your post what ages DD and DS and aunt are. A lot of children aren't interested in family and want to spend time with their peers.

I think your answer may lie in your last sentence. Do you think your sister knows you are going away and is slightly distancing herself because of that?

Alexa Dsis is obviously an adult if she drives to and from work and is referred to as single with a good social life and no children. And dd is 8.
I'm not sure op. Are you able to ask your sister outright?

Omg I do think once a week is a lot to expect anyone to hang out with someone

Especially as they wasn't showing
Interest in the first place

I know my sister loves my kids but she doesn't show them as much attention as I show hers but different strokes for different folks

I would know way send her there once a week

Of course you shouldn't force her.

I love my nieces and nephews, but I won't be railroaded into spending time with them. I'm an adult and my time is my own, and I'll choose how I spend it. Even if that is spending it in front of the tv, away from anyone.

I always find it bizarre when people assume that aunts, grandparents etc should automatically be grateful and bending over backwards to have a child they didn't choose to have, in their life to a degree deemed acceptable by someone other than them.

Leave your sister alone! You can't micromanage her life.

Well you can’t force her.
You sound very full on. She is a teacher. I doubt she really wants to look after your child for one afternoon a week as well.
Why try and force a relationship when you’re off to Europe soon?

I don't think this is a problem for DD - it's a problem for you. Is it due to your own childhood that you feel there must be a close Auntie / niece relationship.
All my teacher friends avoid kids like the plague when away from work.
We lived a long way from relatives when my DCs were little , that's how it was but there were 3 of them and as siblings are still close as adults.
I would leave your sis to lead her own life.

Lordy, maybe she just doesn't want to spend that much time with you! Do you friends OP?

Yes, you are forcing her, and yes, it is wrong. Back off

Why do you expect your sis you have your daughter so frequently? It’s too much I love my nieces and nephews but I don’t want to have them after a long day at work. It’s a completely normal relationship to see your extended family a couple of times a month.

You need to stop forcing it. Your Dsis doesn't want to socialise to this level. Take a step back and let her come to you.

Leave your sister be. She is single and having a good social life. Why are you trying to insist she has your DD every week? Really bloody odd

You sound like a right pain in the arse. I’m a teacher. I don’t really want to spend time with my own 8 year old after school on some days, not a hope am I “hanging out” with someone else’s.

Also, adults don’t hang out with kids for fun, surely? That’s childcare.

That's way too much to expect. Back off. You can't force anyone to spend time with your daughter. Not even your sister. I'm with your DH.

Where have your expectations come from op? They seem quite high to me. I wouldn't dream of spending time with my niece without my sister unless I was babysitting as a favour.

It wouldn't bother DD if you weren't making such a big thing about it.

You can't force your sister and why would you want to? Your DD will pick up that her auntie is spending time with her under sufferance.

Just leave it.

Yes you are.
How nice do you think your daughter would feel when your sister is only with her because you are pushing it? Unless your sister is a world class actress your child will certainly pick up that she's not really wanted.

Jesus christ leave the poor woman alone. I'd refuse to babysit my niece once a week every week after work as well.

Am I wrong to force my sister to spend time with DD?

Yes.

And your DD will have suffered in this as she will be absorbing an atmosphere, no matter how subtle, that she is being “tolerated”.

Feel sorry for your DS. She needs to assert her boundaries with people like you who assume that your PFB should be feted.

How much time have YOU given to friends and families DCs?

Can you imagine when you were single someone sending their kid around to you once a week? Weird.

I am quite shocked that you are forcing your DD on your poor DS.

Yes, of course you are.

Anyway as a solution, I tried to organise DD going round to ds's place once a week after school to just hang out so that they can spend time together.

I would be really pissed off if someone tried to organise my spare time like that! She’s not your childminder.

If she wants to see her, she will-don’t pester!

So you make your adult sister provide childcare one day a week after school?

I think expecting your sis to hang out with your daughter once a week without you is odd.. what are you doing when this is going on?