Do I "force" sister to spend time with DD?

[Whowantstogotothepark]

We live in Australia. My sister lives in the same city, which is why we moved here. We have one daughter. We have lived here for 5 years. My daughter loves her aunt and she is the only family we have here. My sister spent loads of time with us when we first moved here and was and is still is a lovely person. However as time as gone one we see each other less. I always invite her to join us about once every 2 weeks to a month to for days out, dinner or nights down the pub, etc. She never suggests anything ever at all with us socially.

About a year ago I noticed her saying no to invites. Then I realised she wasn't really spending anytime with DD any longer. I find it hurtful that she appears to not want to spend time with me and dh, but really it is DD that I am concerned about. We can only travel home once a year, so dd has only ds as family that she can see regularly. But ds doesn't seem to care about seeing her.

To put other facts out there: ds lives 15 mins drive from us, she literally drives past our house everyday on her way to and from work. Ds loves kids (is a teacher) and spends at least once a week with her friend's daughter (same age as DD - 8) and they go on holiday together at least a couple of times a year. I think that's what hurts the most.

Ds is single, has no kids of her own, but a full social life.

Anyway as a solution, I tried to organise DD going round to ds's place once a week after school to just hang out so that they can spend time together. Ds says yes out of politeness, but I need to chase her up every week, so I know her heart isn't in it (ds is a very organised person). Dh says I am forcing ds and I should just accept the situation. But I am really upset that ds just ignores her niece when she knows she is her only extended family her. And all they do is watch telly for two hours on a night when ds would be in anyway. By the way, dd is a really sweet little girl. No way a handful or nasty.

I actually feel hurt for myself and very sad for DD because if I follow dh's way of looking at it, dd would see her aunt very infrequently. We are moving back to Europe at the end of this year. DD and ds will see each once every year and a half from then on.

Am I wrong to force my sister to spend time with DD?

Who is this other child?

A friend of hers is a single parent and my sister had become like a second mother to her. My sister used take dd on playdates with her.

Maybe the difference between spending time with her friend and her dd and you and your niece is that the friend treats the time they are together as time with a friend

Your so right. This used to be our relationship. For the first 3 years we hung out as a family. We included ds in alot of things. We went to the pub, hung out on the beach, she showed us around our city. We included her as a proper family member, not just part of the extended family that you see occasionally iyswim. I honestly thought that she was happy to have some family here as she only goes home every 18 months. She's spoken about missing family. Maybe I misunderstood, misjudged or took politeness for sonething deeper.

I thought of her as one of my best friends. Then it stopped. I concluded that she didn't enjoy hanging around me and dh any longer. So i came up with this idea so that dd and ds could be together without us.

I think something had happened in her life that she hasnt told me. As a pp said I will probably never know. I just have to respect her need to see us has changed.

My solution was cack-handed and I should just let things be.

Bloody hell, MN full of bitter and selfish people on this thread!

A sister who lives 15min away is not ‘extended family’.

I would be hurt too in your place OP. And yes I would expect a sibling I was close to to take an interest in my child.

Talk to her. Set up a time where you speak face to face and tell her how you feel, apologise in case you have unwittingly done something wrong and ask her why. You are moving away anyway, get some closure.

Just a thought, could Dsis be desperate for a child of her own and find it too painful to see you and your dd?

Nailsneeddoing and I'll start exercising tomorrow thank you for being understanding. I'll take on aboard your suggestions. I would hate to think I have done anything to upset my sister. (Although I have probably got on her nerved.)

Just a thought, could Dsis be desperate for a child of her own and find it too painful to see you and your dd?
Maybe. That would be so sad if it was the case. She is over 40 now. We would never discuss anything like that. Our family is odd in that we never talk about personal stuff. Maybe that's why I felt close to her because she's from the same background so gets the same emotional distance but need for physical interaction. I'll never know.

But one thing that has crossed my mind is that we are reacting differently to us moving away. My mum has said lots "ds will miss you so much when you are gone". And I think "no she won't" (I don't say it!). But maybe ds is distancing to prepare herself, while I am desperately trying to squeeze in opportunities for ds and DD to be together.

Or more simply, our relationship has run its course and hanging out with an 8 year old is much less fun than a pre-schooler.

You can't seem to see the difference between yourself and your daughter.

Or more simply, our relationship has run its course and hanging out with an 8 year old is much less fun than a pre-schooler.

Your relationship with your sister is completely different to hers with her niece. Leave your daughter out of it completely. If you want to be close to your sister then go out for a drink or a meal after work in a place unsuitable for children and don't talk about children.

Your sister can want a closer relationship with you without wanting to become super close to your daughter.

I think you've hit the nail on the head in that she's distancing herself because you're moving away. If she has this great relationship with your DD, it will leave a big gap in her life, so she's protecting herself.

Has anything happened with your relationship with your sister, or with her and your daughter while you were spending time together? That would make her distance herself? An argument or disagreement?

It sounds like she no longer wants to spend time with your family. Is there nothing you can think of?

I think it's just a case of your sister knowing her own boundaries. You say she has never been the one to instigate any socialising, so possibly all that's changed is, that at over 40, she's realised that age old MN classic is true - it's an invitation, not a summons.

OP, I completely get you, but maybe your sister is jealous of you having a daughter?

My Dsis who lives half an hour away spent very little time with my DDs and they hardly know her, but she spends a lot of time with Dbro and his two boys who live the opposite side of the country....

I feel most sorry for my Dsis, who has lost out on a lot of love two little girls could have given her. I am sure the same is true of your sister.

Don't force it, maybe your sister will come into her own as an Aunt later in your lives.

I would resent that, sorry. I cannot imagine myself imposing DS on any member of the family because they are family and I would certainly resent if someone was trying to force me to spend more time than I volunteer with a child.

Neither of my sisters who live in the same city as us take much interest in my seven year old. They’re childfree fortysomethings and have demanding jobs, relationships, different priorities and interests. I don’t rush about trying to force it.

I feel most sorry for my Dsis, who has lost out on a lot of love two little girls could have given her. I am sure the same is true of your sister.

It's up to your sister to decide what she's "lost out on". No one else. Did you have your kids for your sisters benefit? I assume not, so it's very arrogant to assume like you have.

Sorry but another who thinks your expectations are very odd. I’m a teacher and the last thing I want to do in the little free time that I have is to spend it with other people’s kids! I’m very close to my sister and I think I only ever asked her to look after my DDs once and she’s only ever asked me to look after her DC once as well. I had mine when I was young and she her kids when mine were teenagers. We both consider each other and would ask friends with children of a similar age to look after our kids unless it was an emergency situation. I don’t understand the concept of hanging out with kids, when I do have my sister’s kids as much as I love them, it’s childcare and is exhausting. Why would an adult want to ‘hang out’ with an 8 year old child? That’s very strange...

Maybe you "forcing" contact has had the opposite effect to what you wanted.

When I was single and living my own life, I would not have liked to be made to babysit my nephews once a week. I would have made excuse after excuse. Leave your sister alone.

I think that your DS is indeed exceptionally patient and polite as there have been many v obvious non verbal communications that you have ignored repeatedly:

I always invite her to join us about once every 2 weeks to a month to for days out, dinner or nights down the pub, etc. She never suggests anything ever at all with us socially.

About a year ago I noticed her saying no to invites.

Ds says yes out of politeness

but I need to chase her up every week, so I know her heart isn't in it (ds is a very organised person).

Dh says I am forcing ds and I should just accept the situation

Also remember that children are like farts - you can cope with your own but other peoples are best avoided!

I also think it is interesting that you don't seem to know how much you have imposed on your Ds's life.

To be honest, I wouldn’t willingly spend my free time with a kid either. I can’t blame your sister. I think your daughter should spend time with friends of the same or similar age.

@offlikeabanger

Unlike you, I believe the majority of family relationships will engender love. You sound very angry? We are all related by accident, yet love eachother by dint of being family.

My comment is directed at the Op anyway.

Gosh, er. I spend time with my nieces. I pick them up from activities etc and they come round to play. It's perfectly normal, OP. Not sure why people are carrying on like it's not normal to be close to your auntie or spend time with her. I don't pursue this or plan it myself - I live nearby and am happy to pitch in when asked if I've got time, so I probably see them once or twice a week. We're a happy family and this is a normal thing to do. It's not strange at all. Only on Mumsnet!

But no, I mean, you can't force it. Only you can know really if you're arranging it or forcing it. We're not living your life.

OP are you sure your sister isn't in a relationship with the mother of the other child?

Relationships are like farts. If you push too hard it's probably going to be shit.

I wouldn’t want to babysit my niece every single week!

I know that’s not how you see it but that really is what’s happening.

Her relationship with this other child has grown naturally, whereas you’ve tried to force a closeness that just isn’t there.

It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love your dd. But we don’t always really like the people we love. They’re not always the people that we have the most fun with, or enjoy our time with.

It does seem odd that she suddenly stopped! You’re sure nothing happened?

But maybe ds is distancing to prepare herself, while I am desperately trying to squeeze in opportunities for ds and DD to be together.

This came up when my sister emigrated to Australia. She thought we would spend lots of time together to 'build some memories' but I thought that actually if you're OK to only see me every 2 or 3 years I need to start doing something to distance myself so the pending loss is not so deep. If I started to neglect my friends to spend more time with her I could not then just expect them to be there for me when 2/3 of my family had moved to a place I couldn't afford to visit. It may be something else entirely of course. Have you tried discussing it with DS?

I think something had happened in her life that she hasnt told me.

But you didn't ask her about it or talk to her? So maybe now she also thinks that the relationship she thought she had with you, she doesn't have.

Our family is odd in that we never talk about personal stuff. Maybe that's why I felt close to her because she's from the same background so gets the same emotional distance but need for physical interaction. I'll never know.

She probably does talk to her friend about personal stuff? That would make a difference.