Do I "force" sister to spend time with DD?

[Whowantstogotothepark]

We live in Australia. My sister lives in the same city, which is why we moved here. We have one daughter. We have lived here for 5 years. My daughter loves her aunt and she is the only family we have here. My sister spent loads of time with us when we first moved here and was and is still is a lovely person. However as time as gone one we see each other less. I always invite her to join us about once every 2 weeks to a month to for days out, dinner or nights down the pub, etc. She never suggests anything ever at all with us socially.

About a year ago I noticed her saying no to invites. Then I realised she wasn't really spending anytime with DD any longer. I find it hurtful that she appears to not want to spend time with me and dh, but really it is DD that I am concerned about. We can only travel home once a year, so dd has only ds as family that she can see regularly. But ds doesn't seem to care about seeing her.

To put other facts out there: ds lives 15 mins drive from us, she literally drives past our house everyday on her way to and from work. Ds loves kids (is a teacher) and spends at least once a week with her friend's daughter (same age as DD - 8) and they go on holiday together at least a couple of times a year. I think that's what hurts the most.

Ds is single, has no kids of her own, but a full social life.

Anyway as a solution, I tried to organise DD going round to ds's place once a week after school to just hang out so that they can spend time together. Ds says yes out of politeness, but I need to chase her up every week, so I know her heart isn't in it (ds is a very organised person). Dh says I am forcing ds and I should just accept the situation. But I am really upset that ds just ignores her niece when she knows she is her only extended family her. And all they do is watch telly for two hours on a night when ds would be in anyway. By the way, dd is a really sweet little girl. No way a handful or nasty.

I actually feel hurt for myself and very sad for DD because if I follow dh's way of looking at it, dd would see her aunt very infrequently. We are moving back to Europe at the end of this year. DD and ds will see each once every year and a half from then on.

Am I wrong to force my sister to spend time with DD?

You sound like hard work. No wonder your poor sister is distancing herself. Stop hassling her and forcing your daughter on her.

It is wrong to force any adult to do anything.

Leave her be! She. Doesn't have to be interested in your child

all they do is watch telly for two hours on a night when ds would be in anyway
Does your ds know that she is meant to be socialising with your child, or does she think that she is babysitting?

About a year ago I noticed her saying no to invites. Then I realised she wasn't really spending anytime with DD any longer. ... ds just ignores her niece when she knows she is her only extended family here
You are going back at the end of this year. She knows that any relationship she builds up until then will come to an abrupt end. She's probably realised that she needs to work on her non-family support system and not be dependent on you.

Your h is right

If she works with kids she probably wants a break from them at weekends.

Just because your sister doesn't want to spend time with your dd it doesn't mean that you or your dd are bad people. Your sister just had other stuff she'd rather do.

Wow, back off. She isn't legally bound to see your daughter. Your attitude is very wrong.

Agree with your DH.

Am I wrong to force my sister to spend time with DD?

Yes, there will be a reason she isn't interested and you might never know what that is.

I tried to organise DD going round to ds's place once a week after school to just hang out so that they can spend time together.

That's mental!

My sister lives in the same city, which is why we moved here
Did you tell your sister WHY you were moving closer to her and what you expected from her?
Did you ask your sister for permission before you went ahead and had a child that you EXPECT her to help out with?
Did you discuss/ask her about a free nanny-service on tap as well as provide you with a social life?
Did you ask your sister to set aside a fixed amount of her time and energy to pander to your wants and lifestyle choice?
I bet the answer is 'NO' to all questions.......so why do you EXPECT her to change HER life to suit YOU?

Anyway as a solution, I tried to organise DD going round to ds's place once a week after school to just hang out so that they can spend time together
You mean you're trying to sneakily get your sister to provide you with free childcare!
You've assumed that her 'single and child-free' status is something that you can exploit to suit yourself!

Your sister is NOT INTERESTED in playing nanny/providing childcare......she is also not interested in being forced to be your social life/provide you with one.
She spends the majority of her time teaching children, being around children all the time....the last thing she wants is to be forced into setting a precedent where she HAS to spend yet more time giving her time and energy to someone else's child.

My elder sister was very much like you.
She had all these ideas about how i'd be on hand to provide childcare, babysitting services and also be 'free' for whenever she wanted adult company/social life.........only she very conveniently forgot to run it by me and get my permission.
Apparently, i had no "real responsibilities" cos i was single, child-free and had no mortgage (paying rent didn't count....) and therefore i 'should' help her by taking on 'responsibilities'.

Cue getting the hump when i moved location before she gave birth.....like you she was very passive aggressive in her attitude towards me...

It was YOUR choice to have a child and be a parent.
You have no right to EXPECT your sister's time and attention in the way you do.
It's completely irrelevant what/how she conducts her own social life and who she spends time with......there's a big difference in the dynamics between family and friends....especially as we CHOOSE our friends and not our family.....

I thin PP's are maybe wrong that what you're wanting is childcare- that's not what you say at all, though I suppose having a kid round on a work night might be draining.

She could see her sometimes at weekends for a bit though.

I would have a chat to her- don't say 'why aren't you seeing DD?' or anything, but you could say something like 'DD and I would love to see more of you.' xx

Oh goodness, yes you are and you are being unreasonable.

YABVU

Am I wrong to force my sister to spend time with DD?

You seem confused. You aren’t your sister’s parent. How exactly do you intend to force her to spend time with your child and more importantly why would you expose your child to that situation?

I'm a teacher.

The absolute last thing that I want to do when I get home from work is to interact with kids . If I go out, I refuse to sit anywhere near them in a cafe or a restaurant.

Would you expect a nurse to want to care for sick people for free when they are not a work?

I can’t imagine why your sister isn’t jumping at the chance to provide free childcare once a week for you.

God you are nasty. I can accept that you don't agree with me. But I NOT using my sister for free childcare. Never ever have I or ever would.

I wanted a relationship between my daughter and her aunt. I will tone it down if so many people seem to think it is unrealistic.

But God. What bitches. If you ever have family member drop you (and your child), see how you feel.

By the way, not AIBU. "Relationships" for support.

Even in "Relationships" no-one's going to get support for behaviour so far off the scale of acceptable or rational.

You have been kind of crazy on this thing whowants

Your childless sister isn't that much interested in her niece. That is quite normal.

You being so pushy will have pushed her away.

Why are you so desperate for them to be close? Is there some family dysfunction somewhere?

Your child is 8.
Spending time with her IS childcare.
You’ve not been “dropped” (dramatic much?) Your sister is living her own life and it doesn’t revolve around you or your child.
It’s not being “bitches” to point that out.

She could see her sometimes at weekends for a bit though.

That is the point we used to meet up at the weekend. And my daughter and sister used to be very close.

I suggested the week because obviously my sister is busy at the weekend and thought it would be easier then.

Obviously once a week is too much. But no matter what names people call me, it makes me sad to think that her only family relative (too whom she was very close) is only interested in seeing her about once a month for a couple of hours.

This about an aunt/daughter - NOT free childcare. I don't need free fucking childcare. I am not "hard work". I am polite and always always ask and check. I have never said how I feel to ds or DD.

Also I guess my expectations are warped as my sister has this relationship. More so. With another child. I guess I am jealous of that relationship. She sees that child at least once a week. Picks her up from school. Goes on holiday.

But in a very nasty way, I guess you are right. My sister has chosen not to spend her time with us and I need to accept that, even if it is hurtful. And it is very. I don't have a good relationship with my family. But I thought she liked us. I am realising that the relationship I thought I had with her, she doesn't want that. It is a painful realisation.

*so far off the scale of acceptable or rational."

The same could be said for your comment.

It’s understandable that you want them to have a relationship, but you really can’t force it. Maybe the difference between spending time with her friend and her dd and you and your niece is that the friend treats the time they are together as time with a friend, whereas there a possibility that you sister is picking up on how much you want her to be bonded with her niece and that puts a pressure on her that she doesn’t have with her friend.

I think it’s unreasonable to expect her to engage in quality bonding time with your child when she’s just spent all day at work, especially when her work is all about dealing with other people’s children. It’s to be expected that they just watch telly or do something easy. She obviously loves your dd and values her relationship with you both or she wouldn’t do it at all.

Maybe your sister would appreciate spending some time with you on her own doing something adult and interesting for you both? You could try inviting her to do something that doesn’t involve your dd so that she can see you value her as a sister, as well as an aunt.

Who is this other child?

oh wow - leave your DS alone!

If she does not want to spend time with anyone, then she does not have to. Don't force the relationship!