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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife no longer interested?

79 replies

Lovelearn · 13/03/2020 23:11

Hi, thought the best place to ask this question is where people must have similar experiences.

I met my wife a decade ago, me an elder virgin and her more experienced and going through a divorce partially because she was not being sexually happy and wanting children. From the beginning I felt she adored me and I fell for her. We had a great sex life and have 3 fab children as a result but a year or two after the last child she lost interest in sex.

I have always been a hands on dad and as a light sleeper I always got up with the children to give her a good night's sleep as well as looking after the kids on weekends etc so don't think she is upset about me pulling my weight but she no longer touches me like she used too, no longer seems to need me physically and we have become a once a month couple if lucky. I tried talking, offering to spice things up, buying lingerie but no improvement.

What are the chances this will pass and how long does it last?

OP posts:
BeenThereDone · 13/03/2020 23:28

Perhaps if you try talking to her instead of dressing her up like a sex toy....you know like grown up and not a horny teenager

madcatladyforever · 13/03/2020 23:35

No idea it depends on a lot of factors, if it's the menopause then that's it mate, they won't prescribe testosterone for women in this country like they do in the USA.
Maybe she's tired, bored, resentful, could be contraception that doesn't suit, are you communicating in other ways, being a sex pest, going on and on about it, too many reponsibilities, looking after all of you and elderly parents.
There are so many things it could be and the only way you are going to find out is communicating properly with her at a suitable time when you are all relaxed and not doing anything else.

Original poster
Lovelearn · 13/03/2020 23:35

Mmm that was a bit harsh - I clearly stated I talked to her.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 13/03/2020 23:36

My mojo what there was left at the menopause and never came back and I am now sex repulsed and single.

AnotherDingle · 13/03/2020 23:36

You talked to her and she said what about it?

Original poster
Lovelearn · 13/03/2020 23:39

Madcat we did think the pill contributed but she came off that with no improvement. I have given her space and no longer ask for sex, just give her as much sleep/support as I can but it's her that won't talk not me

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelearn · 13/03/2020 23:41

PS the harsh comment was to Been there not you

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 13/03/2020 23:47

Mmm that was a bit harsh - I clearly stated I talked to her.

It wasn't meant to be harsh. I mentioned it because my ex always used to bring up the subject late at night when I was knackered in a whiny voice and it used to infuriate me.
Ah, not me, cross posts, but still when and where is very important.

NoMoreDickheads · 13/03/2020 23:47

offering to spice things up, buying lingerie

No, don't do this, at least the lingerie-buying bit. Too pushy.

madcatladyforever · 13/03/2020 23:50

How old is she? At 45 mine cut off dead and that was it. Coincided with being sterilised and that bringing on an early menopause.
Chemicals never help and can mess up your system for literally months and months.

Original poster
Lovelearn · 13/03/2020 23:50

Another Dingle if I try talk to her she says I am putting pressure on her so I don't actively ask for sex or get too neady but rather just try be there for her if she wants me.

OP posts:
BIWI · 13/03/2020 23:51

You've had three children in ten years. You also only help with the children at the weekend. When you try to talk to her, all you've done is ask about how to make your sex life more interesting. Buying lingerie isn't a gift for her, it's entirely for you.

Nothing in your post about her or how she might be feeling or any concern for her. Your only concern is you not getting your end away as often as you'd like.

madcatladyforever · 13/03/2020 23:54

i think you both have to make a huge effort to make time for each other too as time goes on we tend to stop bothering but dressing up, going out, spending time together, flowers, caring wtc but it only works if both parties are committed to it.
Maybe marriage counselling would help, my ex always refused to go so I stopped making the effort. I remember getting to the stage where sex was yet another chore like scrubbing the bath tub and wondering how we had sunk so low.
It seems like nothing can ever dig you out of that hole but it can be done.

HeddaGarbled · 13/03/2020 23:55

The spicing things up and lingerie buying is counterproductive here. It will just make her feel pestered, inadequate and objectified.

There will be a reason she’s not wanting to have sex with you right now. Could be physical, more likely emotional.

It’s not uncommon for men to want to have sex in order to feel emotionally close to their partners, but women to need to feel emotionally close to their partners in order to want to have sex with them. And that doesn’t mean 5 minutes of being nice when you’re in the mood. Fix the relationship, and the sex might follow.

Shinjirarenai · 14/03/2020 00:00

You're just leaving yourself open to abuse asking questions like that on here.

Original poster
Lovelearn · 14/03/2020 00:02

The lingerie was once on the anniversary of us becoming a couple and was not a sex orientated outfit, just something to let her know I still adore her and still think she is all I desire. She is late 40's so I think menopause could be part of it. The birth control was only for a few months before we realised it was not good and that was years ago but the desire started dropping off before that. It was almost like once she had realised we were not going to have more children a switch flicked

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelearn · 14/03/2020 00:06

@Shinjirarenai you are not wrong but some replies are helpful so worth it

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelearn · 14/03/2020 00:11

I have taken night duty for 7 years with the kids, get up before 6 on the weekends with them so my wife can sleep in and put all 3 to bed with stories after work. I don't think that is slack on my part. We both love our children and work well together as parents

OP posts:
changemynamechangemynamewhen · 14/03/2020 00:23

If you are a man you are not allowed to complain about lack of sex on here
If you are a woman you can though and will be told it's okay to leave the marriage

Onthemaintrunkline · 14/03/2020 01:51

Change my name.....that is so true!

Frenchw1fe · 14/03/2020 02:08

If your children are still fairly young then your sex life may wane for a while.
It's also true that the more sex a couple has the more they will want.
Presently I think your wife sees sex as another chore.
It's a difficult problem.
My advice would be to concentrate on yourself. Be as clean, attractive and smell as wonderful as you can. I always fancy my dh more when he's well dressed and smells good. Don't over do the cologne though and get a good one not some overpowering cheap stuff.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 14/03/2020 05:34

If you are a man you are not allowed to complain about lack of sex on here
If you are a woman you can though and will be told it's okay to leave the marriage This! I also saw a poster tell another poster that it's abuse for her husband to not want to have sex with her! It's crazy!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 14/03/2020 05:59

Does she know why she's lost interest?

HappyExteriorSadInterior · 14/03/2020 06:08

Hi OP,
You sound like a good man and a hands on Dad. I don't think you are being pushy. As a few others have said men can be treated very harshly on MN when discussing topics like these.
From your posts I take from it that you would like to try and regain the closeness you once had together which includes your sex life.
Could you suggest couples counselling? Do you think DW could be depressed and / or generally unhappy? I would try to keep communicating with her and be supportive as you are doing.

MsChatterbox · 14/03/2020 06:29

It sounds like you've slipped into mother and father and out of husband and wife. Do you still make time to go on dates? What is her love language? Try to make sure you are speaking her language. As other pps have said, keep working on yourself. Keep physically attractive and smelling nice. You obviously do you fair share father wise so this isn't the issue. You just need to reinstate your relationship as husband.