Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife no longer interested?

79 replies

Lovelearn · 13/03/2020 23:11

Hi, thought the best place to ask this question is where people must have similar experiences.

I met my wife a decade ago, me an elder virgin and her more experienced and going through a divorce partially because she was not being sexually happy and wanting children. From the beginning I felt she adored me and I fell for her. We had a great sex life and have 3 fab children as a result but a year or two after the last child she lost interest in sex.

I have always been a hands on dad and as a light sleeper I always got up with the children to give her a good night's sleep as well as looking after the kids on weekends etc so don't think she is upset about me pulling my weight but she no longer touches me like she used too, no longer seems to need me physically and we have become a once a month couple if lucky. I tried talking, offering to spice things up, buying lingerie but no improvement.

What are the chances this will pass and how long does it last?

OP posts:
Namechangedyorkshire · 14/03/2020 07:01

Op. YANBU but I agree what others have said that as a man you will get slated more on here.

It doesn't sound like you would want to but an option is to end the marriage and she needs to know that.

A friend of mind didn't sound dissimilar to your wife, although she didn't have issues with tiredness so much apart from spending incredible amounts of what he earnt on designer clothes etc. Sex was an annoying extra to her after she had finished shopping and going to the gym, coffee meetings in Costa etc.

She didn't smell the coffee and he left. Has been a brilliant dad since but she is gutted, angry bitter etc.... The problem for her is that after a couple of glasses of wine she admits she neglected their marriage, ignored the warning signs and really regrets not doing something about it.....I'm cynical and think she is only regretful as she no longer has an unlimited bank account, has to work and is very very bitter.

Oh...husband has remarried and very happy and didn't have another woman either which is the usual suspicion.

So think hard because it won't get better I can assure you

OneKeyAtATime · 14/03/2020 07:13

Aside from sex how are things between you two?

PrimeroseHillAnnie · 14/03/2020 07:18

Start thinking about plan B.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 14/03/2020 07:25

OP, are you looking after yourself? Healthy weight, in a good physical shape, good clothes?

Original poster
Lovelearn · 14/03/2020 08:55

We love each other and get on really well. I will never leave or cheat but think I am just viewed as a dad now. All our family live far away so babysitting etc is tricky but we are on holiday soon where the in-laws can babysit so will take her out for some private time and talk. I think I am in good shape and have not become a slob or changed for the worse. Thanks for the advice, hope it improves as I miss her intimacy greatly

OP posts:
BIWI · 14/03/2020 08:56

The lingerie was once on the anniversary of us becoming a couple and was not a sex orientated outfit, just something to let her know I still adore her and still think she is all I desire.

Just listen to yourself! This is all about lust and sex. Nothing about how much you love her at all.

You're putting a huge amount of pressure on her if you're behaving like this and that's massively off-putting.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 14/03/2020 10:00

BIWI Plenty of women enjoy receiving lingerie or buying it for themselves. Maybe OPs wife used to. I know it's hard for many mumsnetters to believe as half of you seem to only have lights off missionary sex wearing cardigans and slippers Grin

OP you planning you speak to her somewhere neutral whilst the children are looked after sounds good. Good luck. I would ask if she wants to end the marriage. I'd also make it clear you don't want her to have sexual activity she doesn't want but you also don't want to live without it either so if it is her decision that she no longer wants it you can at least be free to find someone who does.

BIWI · 14/03/2020 10:17

... and plenty of women don't. Hmm right back at you. The point is that this man isn't talking to his wife and isn't showing how much he loves her - he's only pushing her for sex.

Dieu · 14/03/2020 10:22

YANBU, and I agree that MN isn't the best place for you to ask these questions.
It's only a matter of time until you're called 'rapey' for buying the underwear.

KahlanRahl · 14/03/2020 10:59

I know several women who lost interest during and after the menopause. No idea if there is a cure for that. I suspect not. I did feel sorry for one friend who kept having sex every weekend while feeling repulsed by it just to save the relationship.

Shinjirarenai · 14/03/2020 11:31

@BIWI
Curious to hear your thoughts on how he should show her he loves her. It sounds like he already does most of the heavy lifting and is obviously devoted to her ie the stuff that matters. Flowers and chocolates? A day at a spa? What about him? It's only natural that a bloke would want to shag his wife. You're making him out to be a criminal.

BIWI · 14/03/2020 11:37

No I'm not! That's a ridiculous thing to say Grin

MandalaYogaTapestry · 14/03/2020 11:48

OP sorry to be pushing, but you asked for opinions. When you say that you think you are in a good shape - what's your weight? Have you got a belly? Again I am sorry but I am slightly younger than your wife and I would not be able to be attracted to just a "good person and a good dad" or someone who "shows me how much he loves me". He would need to be attractive physically. Otherwise I would just not feel it, sorry. Hence my question. Again, I might be entirely off the mark here if you are in fact slim and sporty. Not saying that other men cannot be attractive to their wives - just some women would not like it and would not be able to change how they feel about it.

Ellisandra · 14/03/2020 12:02

It is naïve in the extreme to say that buying lingerie is not sex related!
I get that it was done with good intentions, but trust me, she doesn’t need reminding that you find her sexy - she knows you want to have sex.

I have a regular sex life with my husband, but there are dry spells - and his behaviour is SO obvious to me, and it really pisses me off. The same behaviour that was fine the day after we had sex (smutty comments, for example!) annoy me when made after no sec for 5 days. Now, I don’t show my annoyance, because it’s not an ongoing issue for us, and I understand that it would be hard for him not to work on eggshells when the same comment 4 days apart has a different effect!

But I wanted to share, that in my view, whatever the answer is - it is not “reminding” someone that they’re attractive to you. She knows you want sex.

Talking is the best thing - and ultimately, accepting that talking may not bring you back to a twice a week couple, you may find one of you is a once a month person now - and you need to decide if that’s OK for you.

I’m a 2x a week person, my husband would be 6x - he accepts it. I’ve been in a sexless marriage previously which I did not accept. I like 2x a week, but for the man I love, could do once a month.

Another thing to consider is duration... sometimes when I reject advances, it’s not because I don’t want sex at all, it’s because I’m too tired or not interested in a hour of it. My husband isn’t offended when I say, “I’m only really in a quickie mood”.

Wannabangbang · 14/03/2020 12:10

Best thing would be to talk to her, maybe ask her why and then work on whatever the problem is. Could be menopause related, tiredness related etc, im not sure.

Fwiw you will always get crap on here, mumsnet can be a bit sexist in regards to sex issues. I don't think you were wrong in buying her the lingerie, typical thing both men and women do to spice things up

izzywizzygood · 14/03/2020 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

simone1863 · 14/03/2020 12:30

So he should start to exercise and look after himself better. Then in a month his DW can come on here to be told they're signs he's definitely he's having an affair Grin

otterhound · 14/03/2020 13:02

OP the easiest way for a woman to shut down any conversation about sex is to call you a sex pest. Job done.

Trouble is if she wont talk to you you’ll never know the reason which could be
Menopause
Dissatisfaction of how her has life panned out
No longer fancies you
Having kids might have flipped the libido switch to off
Any combination of the above.

I think all do you do is hope she will start talking.

12345kbm · 14/03/2020 13:09

@izzywizzygood The misogyny is strong with this one.

glitterfarts · 14/03/2020 13:51

How old are your kids? Could it be that she is just sick of being touched at the end of the day.

Do you do other things to help round the house such as shopping, remembering kids things for activities, school, nursery, appointments such as Dr and Dentist?

Do you help with the housework?

I know you get up with the kids at night and give her a sleep in on the weekends, but actually I think you should swap so she has one sleep in and you have one sleep in on the weekend.

I had PND when my DD was young and it lastest a while. I didn't want to get up, didn't want to do anything, certainly didn't want sex.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 14/03/2020 14:53

The point is that this man isn't talking to his wife he's already said he's tried talking to her so you must be choosing to ignore that part.

Youcanstay · 14/03/2020 16:06

”OP - women suddenly stop sex once they have got what they want out of life (children and a man's money)... it's the norm. I do feel sorry for men that they are used in this way. You sound like a lovely, very considerate man and don't deserve this.”

And yet, we had comments that MN is sexist againts men.... 🧐🤯

Lippy1234 · 14/03/2020 16:25

Is the sex you have good for your wife? A couple of my friends who are mid to late 40’s aren’t bothered by sex.? One friend says because her husband only wants to do doggy position with pretty much no foreplay. The others says it’s because her DH is always pestering her, particularly when she’s doing the washing up (we’re thinking maybe he has a thing for rubber gloves). Both friends say they say yes about one in three times for a quiet life.

izzywizzygood · 14/03/2020 16:37

@12345kbm it's true though.

Joyfulljenny · 14/03/2020 16:39

She might not fancy you any more, it happens.