Wife no longer interested?

[Lovelearn]

Hi, thought the best place to ask this question is where people must have similar experiences.

I met my wife a decade ago, me an elder virgin and her more experienced and going through a divorce partially because she was not being sexually happy and wanting children. From the beginning I felt she adored me and I fell for her. We had a great sex life and have 3 fab children as a result but a year or two after the last child she lost interest in sex.

I have always been a hands on dad and as a light sleeper I always got up with the children to give her a good night's sleep as well as looking after the kids on weekends etc so don't think she is upset about me pulling my weight but she no longer touches me like she used too, no longer seems to need me physically and we have become a once a month couple if lucky. I tried talking, offering to spice things up, buying lingerie but no improvement.

What are the chances this will pass and how long does it last?

@BIWI what on earth is wrong with showing someone you desire them? It's such a lovely way to express that someone means something to you. It would be more worrying if the OP didn't express his love in this way. Lingerie isn't putting pressure on her, maybe she likes it? Just because you don't like doesn't mean the OP's wife doesn't either. I love lingerie and I have the body for it. Why is it a crime to be hot and sexy nowadays? Not all of us aspire to be a Dove advert you know. Mind boggling.....Be free!

Ooooh izzywizzy has the body for sexy lingerie

Honestly if my DH brought up titty tassels and crutchless kecks when it’s quite clear I’d gone off it - he would be eating it on his way back down stairs!

Maybe she doesn’t desire him? She might not fancy him any more, there might be a whole shit pile of problems that op hasn’t mentioned.

You crack on izzy in your baby doll nighty

Don't be obtuse @izzywizzygood. The OP's wife has an issue about sex. Buying her lingerie is only putting more pressure on her. Her body image and self-esteem is a completely different matter!

titty tassels and crutchless kecks there are loads of types of lingerie. Many pretty rather than sexy.

@izzywizzygood Really? Have you got any evidence to back up those 'facts'?

@Lovelearn
I feel for you. You sound like a good man. Ignore the comments on here from women telling you not to sexually harass her, dress her up etc. Its clear from your post you are just baffled, have tried everything and DW just doesn't want it any more. It may be her age.. maybe the kids...maybe a lot of things but if she won't talk, you'll never know. I hope she opens up to you and I hope you got some useful advice here amongst the soap box queens that frequent these threads so often. They're bashing their own DH by proxy, dont take it personally

They're bashing their own DH by proxy

PMSL.

Don't be so ridiculous.

Ignore the comments on here from women telling you not to sexually harass her

So you're agreeing that what he's doing is harassment - but we shouldn't tell the OP not do do it?!

I feel for you OP, and it's brave of you to come here for advice. It is perfectly reasonable to desire a sex life with your wife. All you can do is explain that you love her, this is an important part of your relationship, and would she be prepared to put some effort in to dealing with it - ideally counselling? Surely if things were good before, there is a chance they could get back to that.

Well OP it seems she’s used you for the sole purpose of providing her with children it seems very strange her all of a sudden relenting from the pleasures of the flesh, if her previous relationship didn’t endeavour to provide her with the desired children it seems you’ve fulfilled that sperm donor role.

@BIWI how does not asking for sex for a year count as being a sex pest? I am very supportive of my wife's lack of sex drive but it's her that won't talk to me. The times she wants sex it is good but we just have very different drive and it's her who decides.

For the other questions I don't have a belly, shower daily and dress neatly. I do housework, cook meals for us and the children and don't sit on the couch watching sport.

I had hoped people say it's a temporary thing, but sounds like many couples never recover their drive.

PS my wife works hard, she does so much for us and we are a good team. Love her loads

Some women get bored with sex. It can become 'same old same old' and yet another demand on your time, attention, expectation that you're there for every body else except....yourself!
And so, what used to be an exciting, desperately delirious moment in a relationship can become a rather tedious, disappointing, predictable interlude where you end up thinking about what to do tomorrow, to remember that bit of shopping, to phone that relative who is going through a tough time...it can just become another 'thing to do' in a never ending list of 'things to do' and you get bored. So bloody bored. So pissed off with fulfilling everybody else's needs except your own.
Buy her a weekend away, on her own in a nice hotel not bloody underwear OP.

I only bought some nightwear once .... Many flowers, her favourite chocolate yes but it seems lots of focus it

Sex is the glue in a LTR, it keeps you together when everything else is falling apart. I speak from personal experience - I've been with my DW for 30 years and I doubt we would have come through the bad times had it not been for a strong and continuing sexual attraction.

Sex should be a joint enterprise, it is not "her who decides" any more than him who decides. I think you may have been too passive in this, "she lost interest" - why was that? Did she not enjoy it? Was it not satisfying for her? Have you discussed it in detail with her? You need to find out why she has lost interest whilst at the same time making it clear that your needs are not being met and this is an issue that both of you need to face. Don't let it drag on, things will only get worse.

Unfortunately OP you can't conjure up desire where there isn't any and no amount of gifts, counselling or 'load bearing' will change that.

The only 'choice' you have in this matter is whether or not you're willing to accept and satisfied with bare minimum token sex.

Its a no from me.

I'm sorry to read this. Personally I found it to be like a slow evaporation of my spirit when my husband stopped desiring me. I found that men tended to be easier to talk to about this than women so you are brave coming on here.

My advice is to find a time (mutually agreed) to have a relationship check in and lay your cards on the table. Ask again for marriage counselling to try to re-establish an emotional connection and say you have become effective and friendly business partners in the business of raising kids but are not in a team in other ways and you love her and miss it deeply.

It is not sustainable for you for her to have unilaterally taken sex out of the marriage or at best not taken action to investigate this and try to work together to put it back.

Marriage counselling alone is then your way forward if your wife does not agree. Many people can make positive changes just by working on themselves. This can lead to improvements in the marriage. It can also lead to the person's spouse eventually joining them. Finally, there is also a possibility it will open up a different direction for you.

Never in the history of vaginas has ‘buying lingerie’ spiced things up for a woman.

1. Work on your attractiveness. Get down the gym regularly. Get a new haircut, clothes. Pay close attention to personal hygiene. Lose any unappealing habits.
2. Work on your emotional closeness to your wife.

It’s not uncommon for men to want to have sex in order to feel emotionally close to their partners, but women to need to feel emotionally close to their partners in order to want to have sex with them.

This x1000 IME with ex partners no matter whether they have been sad, angry, hungry, hell even recovering from a lump removed from a testicle, sex often took their mind off matters and made them feel better.
Whereas for me, that would be the last thing i would want when feeling like that. I would want to feel better (as far as practical given life is full of adversity) then once i am cheered up a little, i would naturally be more in the mood for that.
If a couple are having a regular sex life, buying lingerie is a lovely touch.
If a woman has gone off sex it's probably the worst thing you can do.
Imagine stuffing your face with Mcdonalde or any other food, to the point where you are so full you are sick, and someone waving a burger in your face, you would want to tell them to bugger off wouldnt you! I know its a weird analogy but it made sense in my mind ha.
The only practical suggestions i have for you are look after yourself to try obviously stay appealing, have a break from mentioning sex so she doesnt feel pestered, are you actually helping in the house as much as you think you are? Are you really listening to concerns she has raised about unrelated topics?
If you are sure on all of these things, and still nothing, for a long time then im sorry i have nothing else to suggest beyond counselling and considering if this is something you can live with.

@Wavescrashingonthebeach I do get the impression from OP that that he has taken the pressure off her and tried helping out around the house. People have taken that one statement about him buying the lingerie the one time out of context and used that to infer he's a nonstop sex pest.

If her desire for him has decreased then helping out around the house and not mentioning sex can't hurt, but is very unlikely to rekindle her desire. Usually this can only be resolved if the low libido partner, as a first step, is willing to discuss it. She isn't apparently. There's probably not much to be done here.

So sad when this happens, I couldn't imagine living without sex, life would be so much poorer. Very hard to understand why anyone would voluntarily stop having it.

Looking for a thread where a woman in a sexless marriage is told to wash more and lose weight

@surplus2requirements this is a female dominated board so this to be expected. If a woman were brave enough to post on a male dominated board I would expect her to be asked similar questions. But why the assumptions here that he's somehow caused this? Ten years and 3 children, perhaps her desire for him has just run its course.

Once the intimacy stops the relationship is over.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3848773-Husband-No-Longer-Interested

I'm looking forward to seeing similar posts recommending this thread starter to lose weight, wash more and do more around the house. No?