Need some support

[NeedSomeSupport]

My DH can be horrible sometimes and probably abusive.

In any kind of disagreement, and it could be something really minor, he will say what he thinks but then talk over me, about or walk out if I respond and disagree with him.

He can’t or won’t communicate.

He’s lost his shit over the same thing twice today. It’s all my fault of course. I just feel crap as I don’t feel I can speak to anyone in real life and I’m not quite strong enough to leave but I know I don’t deserve this.

It's horrible. Do you feel. You have lost your sense of self and confidence?

I just feel like I don’t know what to do. This has been going on for years. I think he was like this before I married him but I didn’t see it.

For years I used to seek outside assurance that I’m not made or unreasonable in the thinfs I was asking for (respect, consideration etc) and now at least I know I’m not. I know he’s the problem.

I’m loathe to say that because one thing I hate about him is that he is never wrong and he always has a long explanation as to why I caused every issue that occurs but in this case he is wrong.

There are two sides to every story but only one of us who cannot have a rational conversation without getting very angry or nasty.

I belive you. Do you have children together, a mortgage, how possible is it for you to et away?

We had a child together but lost them (baby) and we have a house/ mortgage. Been married about 4 years.

I don’t want to leave my home tbh but he won’t leave and thinks I don’t mean it if I say I’m thinking about leaving. Evidently I don’t as I’ve known for years his behaviours is not acceptable and told him so but haven’t left. I keep hoping things will get better and in some ways they are improving but then we still have the same episodes of him shouting at me, not communicating, refusing to listen to me and my general feeling that he isn’t treating me with love and care.

So sorry about the baby

He doesn't believe you as you always stay. What will happen if you ask him for a divorce?

Hi OP. Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss.
My ex was similar to this. He was NEVER wrong and he knew everything about everything (turns out he knew nothing about anything). He would often talk over me or just simply ignore me. He always had an answer too and I would end up confusing myself. I couldn't argue with him at all.
My ex also never believed me when I used to threaten splitting up. Thats because I never used to go through with it.... until I DID. Guess what, he's never forgiven me. But I've never been happier.
I hope this helps you see that there is a happier life out there for you. Tell him you want to end things. If he doesn't believe you then go and see a solicitor and put the house on the market. Actions speak louder than words/.

Can you consider going to see a counsellor alone?

People reading your posts will be thinking 'she needs to leave, she can have a much better life without him'.

If you can't bring yourself to leave then I echo SoleBiz - try some solo counselling. Worked for me.

I’m trying to set up more counselling. Had some when the baby died, some with him and some alone. He wasn’t interested when the counsellor wouldn’t focus on what he wanted - basically he wanted me back to normal so his life could go back to how it was and counsellor told him we needed to focus on this loss rather than other things that could have been addressed years ago.

I felt ok over the weekend. He was a twat on Friday morning I think but then was love bombing when he got home. Has been ok over the weekend as he’s been busy decorating and stuff.

Today he’s shown me who he is again. I called him (I’m WFH and he was driving to work) about something trivial and then he said I don’t need an excuse to call him etc. I think he was being sarcy then. I told him I’m feeling down. I thought I had PMT but that was over a week ago and I still feel that way (not pregnant) so feel a bit depressed tbh. He said I am always this way and maybe this is just who I am. I need to leave to sort he myself out rather than rely on him or other people. I am being ridiculous. I need to speak to a doctor and get happy pills if I can’t sort myself out. He denies it but he wasn’t speaking to me in a nice, loving or supportive way. He made me feel shit. I obviously got upset and he made out it was all in my head as I had said I felt down anyway and nothing to do with him.

He also went back on something we’d agreed about paying for diesel. I buy food and pay for the car (it is my car but he uses it). He buys diesel. I filled the car up the other day as I was at the supermarket where it’s cheaper and thought itd save him a trip. Asked him over the weekend to give me the money back and even texted him last night the amount. Today, after he’s taken the car, he says he will give me £10 as that covers his journey today. But what about all the other car costs. It probably sounds petty but he has done this before over bigger things and he generally takes advantage of me a bit financially.

One thing I hate is when he says he can’t see my point of view whatsoever. When I know I’m not being completely unreasonable.

So today I just feel shit and home alone and am reminded why I started this thread last week.

How many times do I have to feel like this before I will actually leave?!?

I really am having difficulty dealing with this.

He now claims he doesn’t use the car anyway as it is my car and I don’t let him use it except we go to work together in it every day and any time he goes somewhere he uses my car. He uses it at least as much as I do.

Every conversation about the car, where I try to agree something that suits us both, ends with “I just won’t use it”. It’s his way of avoiding responsibility or having to agree to anything but then he does use it. He has been doing this for to years.

Lots of couples share a car but the problem here is he expects to take everything (car, food, money, whatever he needs) without compromising at all or giving anything back and so of course it’s a problem. It’s a problem when I say “actually I’m not ok with this” and then I’m not being a team player.

He is the same way about everything.

Lie. Deny. Say he just won’t share we me any more. And then I’m wrong when I say well no I have plans today and I’m using my car because I should have known. Or I’m wrong because I’m not happy about feeling used.

I just can’t keep living like this.

Tell him he doesn't need the food you bought

He sounds awful tbh.

He is awful

He can be lovely and then I wonder what I was worrying about and think I’ve made a bit deal of nothing

But it seems too often I feel shit after speaking with him and I often feel used and that he’s constantly taking from me

He minimises everything I do whether its house work (its “5 minutes of washing up” or “running the hoover round”) when I’m spending an hour cleaning up and get he won’t do it or whether it’s financially “it’s a bit of shopping etx”

He just told me he’ll get public transport rather than pay for the diesel because it’s cheaper for him but it was his preference to take the car when it has a full tank of petrol that I’d paid for on top of everything else

I really wish I could just leave him today

I won’t though

I don’t want to leave my house any way but

I don’t know what it would take to leave him

I feel closer than ever

Ask him to give you back the car keys and buy his own food.

I too his key before. I said he could take mine today as I thought we’d turned a corner and trusted he’d pay something towards the car but only after he’d taken it he said he’d only pay for what he used. Well can I do that too? No because someone has to pay for the fecking car that he usually likes to refer to as “our” car or “the” car. Funny it because my car when it comes to money!

I can’t believe how self serving he is and I’ve let him get away with it all this time.

No one else knows what he is really like.

I’m working from home and can’t even concentrate as I feel so shit and worked up about this. I’m feeling a bit low anyway but I’m sure a big part of it is putting up with shit from him constantly. It’s been going on years and has taken its toll as well as other things that have happened.

You need to split up op. Start divorce proceedings. You may well find you'll have to sell the house but it's only bricks and mortar, you can make any house a home if you're not having to deal with this fuckwit.

You can play games, take the car keys, refuse to let him have any food, have separate bog roll etc and let him pay for his own stuff. But ultimately all that does is end up winding you up and causing even more friction. Take proper control, go and see a solicitor, find out where you stand legally and leave this abusive wanker

Plenty of counsellors and therapists will see you on Skype/Zoom etc. You can try x

keyforchange.com/ Keeley is a Psychotherapist and knows a lot about relationships. Keeley is also on Facebook on her 'Key For Change' page and group. There are others out there too.

I'm sorry about your baby

He's not lovely, you can see this.
The faux loveliness is a way to make you think he isn't a cunt but he totally is/sounds like one.
If you can't see a way to leave right now, not everyone can immediately/when it dawns on them, then do try and get some help for yourself.
Yes to the counselling for yourself. Build your confidence, you know you're not being unreasonable with what you're telling us so don't let him make you think otherwise. his inability to not see your point of view is a choice because he just doesn't want to. Any normal functioning adult would listen and respect that you have an opinion and not dismiss it.

Try not to rise to his behaviour at all, I know that is difficult but if you can do it you'll feel a little better in the long run, it'll also give you some control back. Arguing or trying to reason with someone like that is pointless and all it does is makes you angry/upset.
Walk away, go to another room or just switch off mentally when he's being a dick.
Begin to detach from him and try to make a plan to leave this arsehole.

I have just extracted myself from something similar and I cant express the relief I feel. It was very difficult to do. Once you are in that cycle your self esteem is damaged and you do feel like there must be something you can do to change it, change them, make it all better - its all your fault after all. Even if logically you do not believe this, subconsciously you do.

Did he have a difficult childhood? Bad relationship with his mother? I think you are dealing with an NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) - and you are his codependent. This stuff can literally kill the codependent, the NPD will suck the life-force out of you - all your energy, money, and happiness, and it will never be enough.

Im so sorry for the loss of your baby. I expect you have PTSD from this. The fact the counselling you sought to help you with this was sabotaged by a person who wanted to use it to get his supply back is shocking...

"He wasn’t interested when the counsellor wouldn’t focus on what he wanted - basically he wanted me back to normal so his life could go back to how it was"

That is not love. Its abuse, it is all abuse.

Please do formulate an escape plan. Do not count on him to behave decently he will not. He will love bomb to trick you back into it and once you agree it will escalate. Move out when he is not there, give him no indication of what is to come, and take the things you want with you. Start saving now if you need, or borrow to do it, its no 1 priority. Force the sale of the house asap (before the c virus economic disaster kicks in). Stay with family, friends or rent until you are ready to get your own place again - you will love your own place more. Seek therapy for codependency and ptsd and don't enter a new relationship without help with boundaries. Im loving Stacy Hoch on youtube at the moment (but that might just be me).

Im literally just weeks ahead you. We can do this.

Thank you

Not rising to it is good advice but easier said than done. I feel so tense and upset as it is. I can’t deal with him as well. But then not sure I can deal with a divorce right now. I don’t feel I have the strength.

I have thought about saving to leave but I need advice because would he be entitled to half my savings when we split? I don’t really want to leave home. Where would I go? I can do without him at the moment but I also don’t want to have to be in someone else’s s space like a friend or relative.

Well done @muminlondon2020 What was the turning point for you? Where are you staying now?

I know he just sucks me in for what he wants but then sometimes it seems like he really loves me and just loses his mind occasionally.

I wish things were different. I’ve wasted a decade with this man and now might never have a family of my own.

He is keen to have more children which I think is because he knows he’s onto a good thing and gets his way! The only time he has a problem is if I say no to him or am bold enough to let him know I’m unhappy.

He wants a child with you because he can use it to control you. And he will, and it will be more heartbreaking than you can imagine. And you will be tied to him and that behaviour and so will your child for the rest of both of your lives. Honestly a sperm donor would be better, you'll get exactly the same amount of emotional, physical & financial support (none) but without the lifetime of abuse and damage to your child.

Divorce wise (i am also divorced from an npd) expect dirty tricks. He'll might even go after you for spousal support, which is why you cant let him know whats going on until you are ready to move. Borrow money to leave - its probably better than saving, he can own half your debt. It should be relatively simple with no children involved. Make sure you have copies of all documents, respective financial situations, salaries, commitments etc. Maybe speak to a lawyer - although be careful with that, a great many sharks in that water. If you do, get a recommendation, be very clear on what they are going to charge you even for one meeting. Go prepared with all your financial details, questions you want answers to then and there, take notes, dont use it as a counselling session (mistakes ive made lol). File first! Cant stress that enough, the applicant controls the pace of proceedings and if you let him do it he will drag it out forever.

Fortunately my most recent NPD moved into my place so it was relatively easy to get rid of him. And the turning point was ending it, then letting him back in. He was lovely for a week and then I saw the worst behaviour Ive seen yet from him yet. I also started counselling which has helped me a lot too.

You cant do this for the rest of your life, you know that. So investing more time is wasting more time...

But wouldn't it be worth half your savings to get rid of him from your life, really, if it came to it? What's the point of money in the bank if you're unhappy and being worn down into nothing?

If it's a short marriage, then it may not be a 50/50 division of assets (but if you've lived together a long time before as well, those years could count).

Life's too bloody short to live like this.

What I’m saying is if I save to leave or to buy him out then how does that work if I have to give half the savings to him?

And no I’d rather not

How would be be entitled to spousal support?? Is that a thing?

What really puts me off having a child with him now is being tied to him and the child being tied to him. Having to pay him child support.

I would like a family and more children. I’m no spring chicken now. So I may have lost my chance by wasting all this time with him. I tell myself I should have left years ago but the fact is he was not great then and I didn’t go.