Need some support

[NeedSomeSupport]

My DH can be horrible sometimes and probably abusive.

In any kind of disagreement, and it could be something really minor, he will say what he thinks but then talk over me, about or walk out if I respond and disagree with him.

He can’t or won’t communicate.

He’s lost his shit over the same thing twice today. It’s all my fault of course. I just feel crap as I don’t feel I can speak to anyone in real life and I’m not quite strong enough to leave but I know I don’t deserve this.

Spousal support is very rare these days - far more likely to be a clean break financially. He works, so it seems an odd suggestion to me.

Get some legal advice on the quiet so you know your options.

You can separate while living in the house as long as you separate finances, sleep apart and you do no housework/cooking for him. This might be something to think about a s a temporary step, if you'd be safe.

I can just imaging things going how they usually go - he upsets me and shows me he is not a decent guy and doesn’t test me the way I want to be treated... a few days pass and things calms down and he’s on his best behaviour... I think oh I’ll give him another chance and obviously that’s preferable to starting a divorce...

Then not long after he’ll be a shit bag again and I’ll regret giving in

Money you accrue after separation (or debt) would not be considered joint in the division of finances in divorce.

The more years you waste on this pattern with him, the less likely it is you'll have the family life you want.

It's not obvious why a divorce is less preferable, from the outside.

But what amounts to “separation” for that purpose? If i decide to today I want to separate then at what stage do my savings become my own. He’ll have a claim to any savings I’ve got (not loads) and my car (that I paid for and bought purely so he could have my precious car) presumably...

But then I’d be better off as currently I am supporting him. I pay for a car I barely get to use. I pay for all of our food. I pay more then half of the bills. I get no financial or emotional support from him. We don’t do anything “fun” together (he won’t even initiate a meal out unless it’s my birthday). I mean it wonder what the point is at all.

And when I say any of this he acts like the victim who isn’t loved. When actually ive always adored him and all he has done is take advantage.

I feel like I’ve been attached to him for too long and the idea of separating is very difficult for some reason.

Even before we were married and before we lived together there were problems. I knew he could be unreasonable and wouldn’t discuss things. We’d split up and then I’d be drawn back in again so easily without ever having resolved anything. I‘m not sure why u was always drawn back to him.

I think I love him but there isn’t much I like about him

I know. I’m being stupid.

First thing is to stop caring. That means you stop questioning or resenting or loving or hoping or wondering or planning. Once you stop caring they're on their own.

It doesn't mean you have to stop being a decent human being. Just that you've stopped caring about how he's treated you in the past and how he treats you now.

How do I just stop caring?

I’m not such a master of my emotions as that.

He has come home and asked whether I have the same views and “attitudes” I express earlier. I said of course I do yes. He said I do too and if you really think that of me... I said yes I think you knowingly trick me and deceive me... he said that if you really I’m a nasty piece of work then let’s get through the next few weeks and I’ll leave. I said great. He won’t though of course and I’m not sure why coronavirus means he can’t leave now.

He wanted to know if I’d considered what he’s said today. He’s considered what I have said and hasn’t changed his views.

Does he understand why I feel the way I do? No.

He’s not going to argue with me apparently and then walked downstairs while still talking crap.

Anything accrued during the marriage he will have a claim on. If you officially separate - disentangle finances/bills etc, sleep separately, no cooking or cleaning or laundry for him, etc from that point savings you build from there are yours. But everything accrued within the marriage is up for grabs.

You really have to start thinking long-term. In the short term, yes, you'll probably have to divide up what you've saved, and maybe sell up, and so on. But really, do you want to spend the rest of your life repeating this pattern with him?

He won't change, this is how your relationship is. It's always been like this, it always will be. Do you want to be doing this for the rest of your life?

You can rebuild material things. You never get the time back.

Thanks. No I don’t but I’m wondering what the alternative is. I’ll be heartbroken if we split up. I do love him. I’m so easily reminded of how things can be sweet between us. He’s the love of my life really. It will be another tough time after a tough 2019. I might never meet someone else. I might still never have a family of my own.

But I hate that he’s acting like he’s aggrieved and trying to wind me up because I told him I’m not happy.

Or it might be a relief to be out of the cycle. You won't have to justify yourself or try to appease him. You won't be wondering which version of him he's going to be when he walks in the door.

You might be happy.
You might find someone wonderful that you have a peaceful loving relationship with.

You know what you're going to get with him.

And are you sure it's love, not co-dependence and traumatic bonding? Anyway, love is worthless when it comes with a ton of pain.

And are you sure it's love, not co-dependence and traumatic bonding?

No not sure. I can’t imagine being separated and not be able to speak or see one another.

I made the mistake of ruining my life over a man like this and its proving to be hell trying to get out. All I can say is it will get worse not better...

Leave. Just do it. Within a week or 2, you'll feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

And read Codendent No More, by Melody Beattie.

CODEPENDENT No More...

Leave him. Bet you will find your finances easy to manage without that fucker draining them.
Everything you own (house, car, savings, pensions) and all your debts will be split 50/50. So figure out what that looks like now.
But seriously. The longer you stay the harder it will be.

He can be draining. He was on for a few hours last night.

He has been ok since I got home tonight but the irrational arguments have started again. I am wfh tomorrow but he has been told to go to work. He was going to take the car. I thought fine as I’m not using it but he still won’t pay for petrol. Claims he can’t afford it but he would have paid if I had not. Then realised I have a doctor appointment. He said I should get a taxi and he can drive to work as it would be unreasonable to expect him to get a bus and two trains right now. Yes that makes sense except I will then have paid for the car and petrol AND have to pay for a taxi! How is that fair? I said I at least want £20 so I am not paying for taxi as well.

He said I could keep £20 from the joint account (I took out the petrol money as I was annoyed he wouldn’t give it to me). He reluctantly agreed but even then it was “if it makes you happy keep £20” and I’ve had “if £x is so important to you...”

It’s not about the money it’s about the fact he’s taking the piss.

But then he does make me doubt myself as I’m thinking “if he actually doesn’t have the money then what kind of wife am I to make him get the train when there is a deadly virus doing the rounds?” Probably is know he’d fill the car up if he needed to but he’s taking advantage of the fact I’ve done it.

I ended up just covering my ears as I can’t take listening to him so he has gone to bed whilst muttering something.

I’m ordering the Melody Beattie book

OK I am venting now but we got to a point last night where I wasn’t happy about the money situation or how he was communicating with me but was expecting him to take the car as that’s what we discussed

Discussion didn’t have a fully proper conclusion but that’s nothing new as he can’t discuss anything

Then this morning he was coming in and out of the bedroom, making noise, clearly trying to wake me up / get my attention. I ignored him because I hate it when he does that.

I now see he has gone without taking the car so I was right thinking he was trying to wake me up. He wanted to check he can take the car. Shame he can’t actually have a discussion at the time as we discussed it last night.

I actually think he is in some way incapable of having a discussion where we don’t both immediately agree. He is incapable of seeing my side. Or maybe expects to get his way any way. This morning he is annoyed and won’t answer my calls.

Now (as I type) he has just texted me saying he has nothing to say to me and he’ll reconsider his future after a few weeks.

This is what he does if I don’t do exactly what he wants then he acts like the victim and tries to treat me like I’m the one in the wrong.

I didn’t want either of us to have to get the train at the moment either. He is clearly concerned about that. But then surely he should still be able to communicate and have a rational conversation with me about it.

Apparently I am “fucking stupid” and he is married to “a selfish moron” and now “fuck off you selfish bitch”

And now my appointment has been cancelled so I don’t even need the car!

He sounds horrible. Seriously LTB

I must be at that point now.

I know nothing will change. There is nothing I can do to make him see how wrong he is.

@NeedSomeSupport... please look back over your posts. Can you see how you are getting lost in minutiae? At this point, the details of his dismissive and disrespectful behaviour don't matter. You know you cannot put up with this for the rest of your life. You are done.

So... What can you do to get yourself out of this mess? Focus on the practicalities:

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies, or similar
Collect and copy financial documentation
See a competent divorce lawyer

Plus read some books about self-esteem, resilience, self-reliance. Shore up your defenses and nurture friendships with strong women. Imagine the serenity of a life without his shit.

Above all focus on your goals, instead of moaning about all things he does that annoy you. Keep your eyes on the prize: your freedom as an autonumous woman who knows what she wants and is doing what she needs to do to get it.

“The key is in learning how to live a healthy, satisfying, and serene life without being dependent on another person for happiness.”
― Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much