Need some support

[NeedSomeSupport]

My DH can be horrible sometimes and probably abusive.

In any kind of disagreement, and it could be something really minor, he will say what he thinks but then talk over me, about or walk out if I respond and disagree with him.

He can’t or won’t communicate.

He’s lost his shit over the same thing twice today. It’s all my fault of course. I just feel crap as I don’t feel I can speak to anyone in real life and I’m not quite strong enough to leave but I know I don’t deserve this.

Text him back and say you agree with him and both if you should take a few weeks to consider your options.

Yes I do get bogged down in the minutiae and trying to convince him and satisfy myself that I am not being unreasonable and I haven’t caused this.

I always end up feeling like I have. I know I haven’t as it’s all down to him being nasty and not being able to talk to me but then, when the end result is I am at home and the car is on the drive, while he is on public transport during a pandemic, I look and feel a bit like the bitch. That’s how he wants me to feel.

We spoke after that. The usual of him talking and telling me what I think, rather than letting me talk, and then hanging up when I ask if he can just not talk over me

He’s at work. I’m at home. I almost dread the attitude I will get when he gets home as he feels like the wronged one so he will make sure I know that he’s not happy.

Read this
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Thanks

Don’t pay any more bills op, what is the worst that can happen ? They will send a late notice and you can hand it to him. Keep the car keys. Make plans. If you can take out a bit of cash gradually then that can stay yours? ( which I would never ever suggest if it weren’t an abusive relationship)
Leaving is worth half your savings I’d say.

I am at home and the car is on the drive, while he is on public transport during a pandemic, I look and feel a bit like the bitch. That’s how he wants me to feel.
Go with ‘ If only you’d pay petrol like we agreed you could use it all the time. I don’t understand why your health isn’t worth it to you’ shrug and deflect, looking mystified as to why he isn’t taking better precautions.

Yes I had thought about withdrawing money as cash and keeping it but would need to keep it somewhere safe.

He resents money I spend on myself even though I pay my share of the bills and for the car we share and all of our food along with any extras like things for the house (including new bathroom etc). I earn a bit more than him and he thinks he’s entitled to my money and my car because we’re married but I’m a nag if I ask for anything from him or he tells me he hasn’t got it.

If only you’d pay petrol like we agreed you could use it all the time. I don’t understand why your health isn’t worth it to you

Yes absolutely he could have just agreed to give me some money for the petrol. I even lowered what I’d asked for from the £45 for petrol to saying I’ll take £20 even after I thought I’d have to get a taxi. Half the time I try to compromise so much so I don’t feel like such a doormat for just giving into him completely.

So then he says we can’t even look after one another during a pandemic but what he means is I won’t look after HIM. He’s not concerned about me unless I’m doing as he wishes.

He is definitely the Demand man and also Mr Right from the book! It could have been written about him specifically.

I called him. Probably shouldn’t have but I’m not in a great place. I’m feeling low anyway but obviously all of this makes things much harder and is not nice.

I called to ask if he’s ok. He said no and went on to say he thinks things are far from ok between us and they won’t get better and he is going to see if he can stay with his friends. I said ok good.

Really I’m thinking how is he the one to have a problem with how things are and want to leave when he is a shit bag to me and all I ever try to do is reason with him. But then that’s the reason. It’s because I expect him to behave reasonably and challenge him when he’s nasty to me or takes from me, or worse, occasionally don’t let him have his own way.

If he does go then that’s got to be a good thing but I’d be very surprised if he does.

He didn't have a problem with the way things were, when you were paying for everything and doing everything you could to appease you.

He does have a problem now because you are pushing back and standing up for yourself!!!!

He's abusive op. He doesn't have any intention of making good on his promise to leave, he's punishing you in the hope you'll beg him to come home and you will then do what he wants again. This is abusive taste a 101

Tactic not taste

And 'him' not 'you' in the first paragraph ffs!

He does have a problem now because you are pushing back and standing up for yourself!!!!

Yes it’s true and I’m glad I see that now

In the past I’d get really upset when he said he would leave but now I know he doesn’t mean it. It just feeds into his narrative that I’m the bad one and he’s the victim.

He would be doing me a favour if he left.

It doesn’t matter if he thinks that it’s because I’m a selfish person really does it? I do wonder whether be really believes all this crap he says.

I doubt he genuinely thinks you're selfish, it's just a weapon in his arsenal to keep you in your place and make you doubt your own judgement.

The old saying is right 'his opinion of you is none of your business'
Or may favourite
'Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one'

I have spent a lot of time wondering how to make him understand where I am coming from and see how I’m being reasonable and he’s not; to see how in almost every situation I am prepared to discuss and compromise but he isn’t and then has something to say when he doesn’t get his way...

But I am realising that’s not going to happen.

I do worry about what he’d tell everyone (Like his family who I so like) about me if we split up but I can’t do about that and they’re his family so they will support him.

I’m dreading him coming home.

Going to have some dinner and then maybe try to be in bed by the time he gets back!

I do worry about what he’d tell everyone (Like his family who I so like) about me if we split up but I can’t do about that and they’re his family so they will support him.
I guess you have to trust that his family know him and know you so will be more objective than you fear.
Part of his trick is to make you feel that noone will believe you, they will think you are selfish, it wasnt that bad etc etc. The reality is those closest to you have probably seen what he's like and more distant acquaintances won't want to be involved.

His family wouldn’t know because they don’t live nearby and we see them a few times a year. I doubt they know what he is like, let alone feel they really know me.

I have heard how he frames things eg today would be something like “she made me get two trains to work, in the middle of a pandemic, because I couldn’t afford to contribute to petrol” and then I sound unreasonable and petty.

I think his Mum might know as I used to talk to her a lot and she knows some of the things he does and I think she has always liked me.

But I can’t worry about that if we split up.

It would be good if he just went to his friends but honestly I am feeling so down anyway I feel I need some support. I’m not getting that from him anyway though.

You will be surprised how fast you feel lighter, when/if he goes,
No-one using you, demeaning you, abusing you. ignoring your feeling.
I sincerely hope he does decide to fuck off.
You deserve better

Well as usual he’s now acting like nothing happened, thinks texts he sent were funny but acknowledges he was very upset with me and he now forgives me...

This is how up and down this man is

But he could come upstairs again in 5 mins and have gone back the other way again

This is the typical circle of abuse,
He will bully & trample over you, until he knows its gone too far, then there will a short period of being normal or pleasant until the bad behaviour is forgotten & you think he will be OK.
Tell him to piss off, don't let him use your car, your fed up with financial abuse.
Stop calling him constantly.
He is not your friend

Well as usual he’s now acting like nothing happened, thinks texts he sent were funny but acknowledges he was very upset with me and he now forgives me...
That's because you didn't act how he expected you to. He has no intention of leaving so he had to dig himself out of a hole.

Do YOU forgive HIM? That's what he should be asking (he won't though).

Can you examine your motivations and expectations - why are you so focused on hoping HE will leave? Instead of kicking him out or leaving yourself?

Once things have calmed I’m quite accepting of it and allow things to go back to “normal” but I don’t forget and I can be anxious knowing he will switch either way.

I hoped he would leave as I know I wouldn’t yet. I just don’t feel ready. I hate what he does but in the calm I think “oh he was just stressed” and think it’s fine

It’s not though and I know that if I’d needed the car today things might have been different. He’s taken it so that was fine.

But you are still focusing on the minutiae rather than the bigger picture!

What do you actually want to achieve in this, your ONLY precious life?

What are your goals, both in practical terms and with regard to your emotional fulfilment?

"The key is in learning how to live a healthy, satisfying, and serene life without being dependent on another person for happiness.”
― Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much

Would you consider seeing a counsellor with experience in domestic abuse (on your own)? You need support to start putting yourself first. He is not going to change and you will totally lose yourself trying to make him happy/treat you acceptably.