My dad

[beloved1988]

I'm 31 and have for as long as I can remember had a very difficult relationship with my dad. It is all "fine" for weeks (as in he is not too bad and I go along with him) but every few weeks he has an outburst where he goes absolutely nuts. This is normally brought on by the fact he can't contact me as I'm asleep/phone is dead so I'm unreachable for a few hours.

I'm not sure if he is a narcissist or not and actually whether that even matters. He expects to be able to contact me whenever he chooses and if I happen to be sleeping (I have three children and two under two and I am shattered) he goes absolutely mental, does a two hour train journey and hammers on the door shouts through the letterbox etc.

Last night I left went to bed at 7 when the two oldest were in bed and the youngest was with my partner and I woke up to 17 missed calls and many insulting messages saying I'm a selfish little bitch as he's been working all day and he can't get an answer and is worried out of his mind.

He did the same to my mum which led to their divorce and now I feel he does it to me in place of her. He also badmouths her to me at any chance he gets, insults my skills as a parent and is just generally controlling and unsupportive. How do I deal with this??

The only thing you can do is cut him off.

This is nuts.

How do you respond?

Personally I'd be reducing contact big time.

Text back and tell him to stop harassing you. Do you have a partner who could speak to him and tell him to stop or you will file a complaint for harrassment.

.

Oh wow that sounds so tough! My first thought when reading is that maybe he’s worried about you but his messages are totally inappropriate!
My gut reaction is to say you need to change your number and ignore!
However that probably won’t help... does he have mental health issues?
I would probably set up clear boundaries with a message like - “Dad, you’re important to me but I can’t answer my phone at all times of the day. If you leave one message I’ll see it and get back to you when I’m
able”. If that’s not enough just repeat. I’m sorry it sounds so hard

What the pp wrote.

It is not possible to have any sort of a relationship with someone like your dad (a man who is not worthy of the term). He has treated your mother in the same way. Such abusive men hate women, all of them.
It is not your fault he is like this and you did not make him that way.
I would further read about the nice/nasty cycle of abuse because that is what your dad is doing to you here and such a cycle too is a continuous one.

At the very least you need to block all his ways of being able to contact you, starting now with your phones. I would also consider reporting him to the police for harassment; you have an absolute right here to live your life free of such from anyone let alone a parent. You would not have tolerated this from a friend, he is no different.

When I wrote PP I meant what GrumpyHoonMain wrote.

Any contact from you to him now is the reward, a response is what he wants from you. Radio silence from you needs to be maintained and I would inform the Police re the phone calls and other unwanted forms of contact.

This is terrible and sounds incredibly stressful! Have you thought about having some time with no contact? You already have a lot of people relying on you, I don't know how you have coped until now!

He has no mental health issues, not Diagnosed at least but I suspect a personality disorder or some sort.

I can't go no contact as his life is based around my ten year old son, he always wanted a boy but got two girls, and he takes my son to football and has a great relationship with him. My son would be devastated as he has never experienced any of this (yet) - he is the apple of my dads eye.

What will you do when your DS starts copying his behaviour?

Since posting this he has phoned me. No apology (there never is) but explanations and telling me I've "cut him deep this time" as I stood up for myself. Honestly feel worn out but as I said I can't go no contact so not sure what to do

Ignore the guilt trip, this is what people do to validate their own feelings. Set clear boundaries & stick with them I think if you can’t go no contact.

beloved

re your comment:-
"I can't go no contact as his life is based around my ten year old son, he always wanted a boy but got two girls, and he takes my son to football and has a great relationship with him. My son would be devastated as he has never experienced any of this (yet) - he is the apple of my dads eye"

If your dad is abusive and is otherwise too toxic/difficult/batshit for you to deal with, its the SAME deal for your kids too. Many people of abusive and or otherwise toxic parents fall into this trap of allowing their children to have a relationship only to realise a lot later that their abusive parent has not changed at all.

Your son is undoubtedly already detecting your own preoccupied nature re the incessant phone calls and unwanted contact from your dad.

The above is no reason really for your father to have any contact with you and your kids. He needs to go to football with another adult, can you not take him instead?. What other male role models does your son have?. He needs emotionally healthy male role models and your dad does not fit the bill. Your son remaining the apple of his abusive grandfather's eye will come with a high price to be paid and if he has siblings you may well find that their relationship becomes affected because he will be more favoured over them. Such people like your dad too indeed never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

You need to protect yourself and all your children from his influence over you all.

Have a read of "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward and look too at the Out of the FOG website.

His behaviour is toxic. Calling you names etc. I'm so sorry, not sure what to advise. Except that you shouldnt have to deal with toxicity. Ive gone virtually no contact with my dad (different issues - basically he doesnt care about me/dc) and my life is so much better

What you are asking is not unreasonable, he is being utterly unreasonable.

If you still wish to have a relationship with him you need to state clearly what your boundaries are. If he does not respect them then you have no choice but to limit contact. Keep repeating your boundaries to him. He is too used to bullying and getting his own way.

It's definitely true that he favours my eldest. He doesn't even know the other twos birthdays. Which is bizarre actually as my youngest two are with my current partner and my eldest is from a previous relationship and he has partly another race to him (my dad is very racist) - so I am confused as to why he favours the child who (although looks white) has another race while his youngest two grandchildren are fully white.

He usually visits weekly and takes the ten year old and 1 year old to the park but this week he decided no the eldest likes to play football and he can't do that with the 1 year old there as it ruins their time. So he left while my one year old was putting on his wellies and saying grandad!!

I've tried today on the phone to explain o won't put up with this but I don't think he is capable of change at this point so I think I should just give him very little information about my life and only respond to his texts and not send him photos and videos of the kids everyday like I normally do. Aa

Does that sound doable? I feel sorry for him after the call

Does that not tell you something?

Sorry crossposted. I mean about your 1 year old being left behind.

Do not let your dad into your house ever again. Your eldest boy needs to be protected from his grandfather; a man who is already favouring him over his other siblings.

Feel greatly also for your one year old; I bet you felt crap too when that happened. This should now be your red line here.
You are the parent. You get to make these decisions without apology or excessive justification. You can assure your child that you are making a wise and loving decision for them as well as yourself. I am not going to script what you should say because you are the only one who knows your children, but you must convey that this isn't up for negotiation. This is not a decision that the child gets to make. Yes, children usually love their grandparents. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt.

Continuing to at all allow your dad to have a relationship with your eldest will affect your son and his siblings to their detriment. The golden child role in dysfunctional families is also a role not without price here and your dad could go onto to actively try and steal his heart and mind from under your very nose. Your dad this week did what he really wanted; he did not want your one year old around him. His actions likely confused your eldest boy too.

@Judgybitch yes actually, I didn't think he would ever do that but he has and I haven't fully mentally digested how horrible it is I don't think as he painted it as oh the poor eldest doesn't have his dad around and he should be taken to the park alone so he can do what he wants

I would not send him any photos or any other responses; no contact is precisely that. It is no communication whatsoever.

Your own FOG is making you feel sorry for him; he is really not worthy of any of your consideration because he is and continues to emotionally harm you and your children.

@AttilaTheMeerkat everything you have said is absolutely right but I can't never allow him in my house or around my children because I rent and he is my guarantor and he has made it clear that if I don't go along with him he will refuse to continue being my guarantor.

Is there any way you can remove him from being your guarantor; he will merely use this as a stick to beat you and otherwise control you with and indeed he is already doing that now. I would speak to Shelter or a Solicitor about this matter prior to talking to your landlord. Can your mother take on the mantle of being your guarantor; do you actually need a guarantor now?.