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Original poster

My dad

83 replies

beloved1988 · 12/03/2020 13:25

I'm 31 and have for as long as I can remember had a very difficult relationship with my dad. It is all "fine" for weeks (as in he is not too bad and I go along with him) but every few weeks he has an outburst where he goes absolutely nuts. This is normally brought on by the fact he can't contact me as I'm asleep/phone is dead so I'm unreachable for a few hours.

I'm not sure if he is a narcissist or not and actually whether that even matters. He expects to be able to contact me whenever he chooses and if I happen to be sleeping (I have three children and two under two and I am shattered) he goes absolutely mental, does a two hour train journey and hammers on the door shouts through the letterbox etc.

Last night I left went to bed at 7 when the two oldest were in bed and the youngest was with my partner and I woke up to 17 missed calls and many insulting messages saying I'm a selfish little bitch as he's been working all day and he can't get an answer and is worried out of his mind.

He did the same to my mum which led to their divorce and now I feel he does it to me in place of her. He also badmouths her to me at any chance he gets, insults my skills as a parent and is just generally controlling and unsupportive. How do I deal with this??

OP posts:
Original poster
beloved1988 · 12/03/2020 14:37

@AttilaTheMeerkat maybe not, we have been in the same house for nearly a year and have never been late with the rent payments so I think if I spoke to my landlord he would consider allowing me to continue the tenancy without my dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
beloved1988 · 12/03/2020 14:39

What a mess, he has now messaged my partner an apology for his outburst (he message him too in a rage) but I get no apology..

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simplekindoflife · 12/03/2020 14:46

You need to lay down some ground rules. You are just letting him get away with it - it's not ok! He'll do the same to your kids when they're older - deal with this now!

Dad: I am exhausted. I have three young children who all demand my time. I can't be at your beck and call as and when you demand. I am seeing to the needs of my children or catching up on much needed sleep. It's so horrible to wake up to these nasty messages. Please do not do this again. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I want to continue having a relationship with you but not as your emotional punchbag. It's got to stop.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2020 14:47

Would certainly speak to your landlord and also consider contacting Shelter too.

Your dad sent your partner a message but its no olive branch nor apology. Your partner should not respond to your dad at all either. That person is being used here by your dad as a weaker link in the chain here and has been targeted accordingly. You will never receive any sort of apology from your dad; these types really never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2020 14:51

You must not respond to him in any way any longer. Toxic people like your dad like a fight and or the last word and a response as reasonable and carefully worded as the one the poster asimplekindoflife wrote would really be a red rag to a bull. Such types of messages really do not work on abusive people.

Zombiemum1946 · 12/03/2020 14:52

Are your youngest girls ?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2020 14:52

You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, your dad here is no different.

Original poster
beloved1988 · 12/03/2020 14:53

It's it normal in my situation to now feel sorry for him? I realise he is completely unreasonable but I worry he does it out of love just in the wrong way and i fear it would destroy him if I was nasty back

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Original poster
beloved1988 · 12/03/2020 14:54

No my youngest two are boys.

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user1480880826 · 12/03/2020 14:54

Change your number. Your son might be disappointed for a while but your mental health is more important than a few trips to the football.

If your dad lives 2 hours away surely he doesn’t see your son that much anyway?

Original poster
beloved1988 · 12/03/2020 14:55

I think because their dad is here he feels less like he can have such an influence on them

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Original poster
beloved1988 · 12/03/2020 15:00

He lives far away but he comes weekly on the train regardless of the cost and time because he must see my eldest.

My eldests school is a five minute walk and since having my youngest (three months) I've allowed him to walk to school alone, many of his friends do the same. I've had to conceal this from my dad as he said it's so dangerous and if I let him he will travel down every morning to walk him to school.

A fewMonths ago when I was still pregnant I let my son walk to school and because he hadn't heard from me that morning he phoned the school and raised an alarm that something must have happened to me

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chemicalworld · 12/03/2020 15:00

It is normal, look up FOG - Fear, obligation, Guilt

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2020 15:02

"I realise he is completely unreasonable but I worry he does it out of love just in the wrong way and i fear it would destroy him if I was nasty back".

You write this because you are a reasonable and importantly an empathetic person. Your dad is neither reasonable nor at all empathetic. It is not your fault he is the ways he is and you did not make him that way (his own family of origin did that).

He is more than being completely unreasonable here; he was abusive to your mother when she was married to him and now she is out of his firing line due to divorce, he now turns to you as his daughter to further abuse and bully.

You won't destroy him. All you can do is remove your own self and your kids from his malign presence. He will certainly destroy you and your kids and take you all down with him if he is at all allowed to carry on in your lives as he has done to date. He does not know the meaning of the word love and does not care for it either.

His actions towards you are in no way loving ones; abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute over you (not just financially) and in turn your children as well. They will be emotionally harmed by him as long as they have any form of contact with him. You've been his emotional punchbag recently and you will continue to be so as long as he remains in your life in any way, shape or form. Men like this hate women, ALL of them.

Do read Susan Forward's book called Toxic Parents. Your dad is in those pages.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2020 15:05

"A fewMonths ago when I was still pregnant I let my son walk to school and because he hadn't heard from me that morning he phoned the school and raised an alarm that something must have happened to me"

You see how wide he is casting his net here?.

I hope the school gave him short shrift. How did they respond to that from him?.

Original poster
beloved1988 · 12/03/2020 15:09

@AttilaTheMeerkat the school said oh no he arrived fine and he said oh thank god! Was just worried as she has a high risk pregnancy (not true) and I couldn't get ahold of her. So they apparently found it normal

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Original poster
beloved1988 · 12/03/2020 15:10

But I'm still truly torn between does he do all this out or spite or genuine care? Does it matter?

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Original poster
beloved1988 · 12/03/2020 15:13

It's all ridiculous. There's so much more. The constant slating of my mum, insults about me as a parent, insults about my sister if she dares do anything he deems bad (going for one drink on a weeknight etc). But I still feel
Sorry for him. What's wrong with me

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2020 15:15

I would inform the school that your dad is not to be at all trusted. I would also wonder if they were in breech of some rule here by informing him that your son had indeed arrived safely. They had no way of knowing for sure they were indeed talking to his grandfather.

chemicalworld · 12/03/2020 15:16

You love him, please have a look at Fear, Obligation and Guilt, that is why you feel the way you do and you have been conditioned to do so.

It doesn't matter why he is doing it, he is doing it and it upsets you. You are more than within your rights to put boundaries in place. Counselling would help you to get to that realisation - though I realise that could be tough with 2 small children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2020 15:17

"But I'm still truly torn between does he do all this out or spite or genuine care? Does it matter?"

Its certainly not out of genuine care; its more like spite along with a mad desire to have a complete level of power and control over you. He hated your mother whilst she was married to him and he hates your very being as well.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2020 15:18

People as well are programmed to love their parents, no matter how abusive they are.

Pinycay · 12/03/2020 15:19

Of course I can’t be sure, but sounds like he could be a complete narcissist. NPDs types do come across as unhinged.

He’s doing the silent treatment now? Great! Give yourself this space. As much as you need for as long as you need.

If a family member called me a B for no reason I’d be giving them a lot* of space.

Pinycay · 12/03/2020 15:27

Poor you Flowers.

If GD not in picture now, you can just say to your DS that GD is being mean to you at the moment so you’re taking a break. Low key. Your son could do something else at the weekend. He’ll soon get engrossed in that and forget about GD, it’s the way things are at that age.

AsAnActualWoman · 12/03/2020 15:27

We're the same age and I cut mine out years ago, he was similar to this including the phone calls if I didn't answer him, right down to the wanting a boy but only having girls.
I don't know how you still tolerate it, my life is so much better without! You're a grown woman for goodness sake, and you're being treated like dirt.