My dad

[beloved1988]

I'm 31 and have for as long as I can remember had a very difficult relationship with my dad. It is all "fine" for weeks (as in he is not too bad and I go along with him) but every few weeks he has an outburst where he goes absolutely nuts. This is normally brought on by the fact he can't contact me as I'm asleep/phone is dead so I'm unreachable for a few hours.

I'm not sure if he is a narcissist or not and actually whether that even matters. He expects to be able to contact me whenever he chooses and if I happen to be sleeping (I have three children and two under two and I am shattered) he goes absolutely mental, does a two hour train journey and hammers on the door shouts through the letterbox etc.

Last night I left went to bed at 7 when the two oldest were in bed and the youngest was with my partner and I woke up to 17 missed calls and many insulting messages saying I'm a selfish little bitch as he's been working all day and he can't get an answer and is worried out of his mind.

He did the same to my mum which led to their divorce and now I feel he does it to me in place of her. He also badmouths her to me at any chance he gets, insults my skills as a parent and is just generally controlling and unsupportive. How do I deal with this??

Maybe unnecessarily harsh from Summersunandoranges but you must see there is more than a grain of truth in this. Your son will be picking up both obvious and hidden beliefs and behaviours from this scarily controlling man. You really must disengage yourself now? It seems from the above that the guarantor thing is a red herring, so nothing is stopping you apart from the admittedly massive life time of training in appeasement you have received at his hands. It's obvious you are taking this thread seriously, good luck!

This man is your stalker, it doesn't matter that he is your dad as well, he is abusive. You are not responsible for soothing his anxieties (if that's what they are) but you are responsible for protecting your children from them.

He has a fixation on your eldest son and that is just not healthy, neither is it fair to any of your children. The problem with people like this is that they are all lovely until the child develops a mind of their own and doesn't want to do what the person wants anymore. Then they are spurned and abused as well. You need to nip this in the bud very quickly.

Be kind to yourself and your little family. Your dad needs to develop his own life - though I doubt he will do this as people unrelated to him will not put up with his unpleasant ways. This is not your problem or fault though.

I’m sorry if you think I’m being harsh beloved but not once through this thread have you considered what your setting up for your son. You your self say he is the apple of your dads eye - what a dangerous place to be. Why do you think he won’t treat your son this way or worse but it will all be disguised as ‘love’

If you see him as a narcissistic parent have a read what narcissistic grandparents do. It’s not very pleasant as I have one in my family

Don’t ever let him have your sons mobile number

agreed that he's setting up your son.

Your son loves him - adores him - and will listen a very great deal to him. He will probably emulate him. This will probably mean that he internalizes the misogny and racism - and given that he himself is mixed-race, he'll pick up the message that HE is inferior / bad, and that women are inferior / bad.

We aren't stating it too strongly. Children learn by example.

The point about the mobile phone is a good one. But I guarentee you that by 13, your son and your grandad will be in contact unless you take steps now. Worst case, your son may think that banging on the door to get his own way and shouting through the letterbox is something that you just do when someone doesn't respond instantly to you. It is possible, you know.

These steps include saying that while you both love Grandpa, he believes some wrong things (like racism / sexism) and that he does not know how to behave. That you've tried to talk to him but he won't listen. That when he does behave differently you can be in touch but until then, you have to stay away.

he goes absolutely mental, does a two hour train journey and hammers on the door shouts through the letterbox etc

You NEED to tell him to stop with the constant texts - it's harassment.
Block him if he continues.
If he turns up at your door hammering - you call the police on him.
He is a nasty, vile, bullying, pathetic apology of a man who thinks he is the boss of you and controls you.....cos you let him.

He also seems to think YOUR SON is HIS much longed-for son...and he seems determined to have a 'special' relationship with him.
What he's doing is grooming your son......and mark my words he will turn your son against you....when your son goes through typical teen issues with you, your dad is going to use that to drive a wedge between you both and have your son move in with him

i advise you speak to Women's Aid for advice on how to handle your dad, cos you need to firstly understand what is toxic, dangerous behavior..and then keep a log....so WHEN he escalates his behavior you have enough evidence to use the law to protect yourself and your kids from him.

His behaviour is outrageous. Please read Toxic Parents. You are a grown woman - he is a bully and a tyrant. Protect your children, protect yourself. He has no right to treat you like this.

This will take you time, but do get therapy, read Toxic Parents.
And take steps to reassert your independence.
Talk to school. They probably don't think his behaviour is "normal" just that it's not their place to comment as long as it isn't harming your son.

He will never change, you will spend your life waiting for an apology, so will your son.

I think you need to talk to a professional about how to protect your children from him. The police would know about this kind of behaviour and could give you guidance.