Nc with parents and coronavirus

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This is long so anyone reading I hope can stick it out!
I grew up in an abusive home. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive to me growing up. They are now elderly and probably could do much to me but up until I went nc they tried their hardest to get to me emotionally. (And on one occasion physically as well)

I am now nc with them for a year now and at peace with that.

Now here's the thing. My parents were also abused and I know it doesn't make it right but I don't think they understood how to break the cycle of abuse themselves especially as they're of a much older generation so I forgive them completely but think it's better for me to remain nc. They are hoarders and live in awful conditions and despite suffering clearly from depression and other things they say things like depression doesn't exist etc. My dad suffers from really bad health anxiety. And I know the Coronavirus will be sending them both into a frenzy.

I am wracked with guilt at the thought of anyone going through mental anguish because of this virus and I know this will terrify him. I know he will not want to leave the house but they have no idea about food deliveries or anything other than going to supermarket for food etc. They don't have the internet. They are living in poverty on their pensions and don't seem to be able to get their act together at all even when people step in to try to help them. They avoid any agencies completely.
It's always a case of they're managing just fine themselves (they aren't)

Would I be daft to try to send them an anonymous food delivery every now and then with things like canned & frozen items so I at least know they won't starve if they're avoiding leaving the house. They already avoided leaving the house but I know this virus may tip them over the edge mentally. I am also nc with my siblings but they aren't in the country. I don't want to be in contact again but I do feel very guilty for helping bring in food for my elderly neighbours and aren't even helping my parents. I think in my head it's just helping people regardless of what they've done to me but I can't decide if I'm being silly or not.

Do you live close by?
Would they accept an online food delivery from someone though when they didn't order it?
You may be better off leaving something on their doorstep without disturbing them? Totally understand why you would want to stay NC but still make sure they are provided for.

I get it. I wonder if Sainsburys or Wiltshire foods turning up at their door unexpectedly would freak them out.
I think you should speak to social services - bear with me on this.
My proud independent late mum, (with whom I had a positive relationship so I have the feedback on this) was reluctant to get social services involved in her life. She had family and friends support etcetc. But I did after an incident when the hospital said we should. And they were bloody brilliant. Focussed on her and her needs . Communicated with her unless absolutely necessary to speak to me. Treated her like an adult and not like a problem. Maybe contacting them would be an idea.

I dont think you're being silly, I think you're being incredibly thoughtful. How awful to think they might be struggling. I think an unexpected groceries delivery might confuse....they may turn it away as they haven't ordered anything or not answer the door. I'd help, for sure, but would give a heads up that a delivery was to be expected.

Yes you're right and I considered them not answering the door.
I moved far away last year to get away from them. I don't have a lot of time and they are major curtain twitchers so I'm worried they will see me and do something.
Social services have been round time and time again. They have left things to help them such as walking aids etc my parents are a nightmare they refuse everything, send it back or worse give it away! As adults they are allowed to show they are independent and shun services and help and that area is inundated with calls as is one of the poorest in the U.K. so I think that's how they get away with it all. My parents also lie all the time to the services to get them away. They don't even claim benefits they can 'just in case' so they are in utter poverty living only on state pensions.

They shut the outside world out. And yes I don't know how they'd react to a food delivery truck coming. I know they would see the truck but I'm not sure if they'd go outside to see the driver. I would be happy to lose my money and try it but don't know how to manage it.

Yanbu to put your mh first op.
I am nc with my dm and it has never occurred to me to contact her at this time.

You must be a really kind person to want to do this for people who abused/ would still abuse you

You could send them a fake letter:
'Congratulations, you have been selected to win a fortnightly/monthly delivery of 'supermarket name' produce'

Make the letter using the supermarket logo you would use to deliver, and then set up the delivery. You could park down the road, in disguise, and check if they accept it.

Am I right in thinking that supermarkets are delivering to people self-isolating and will leave the delivery on the doorstep (which they don't usually).
I guess you could always arrange the delivery and let the supermarket know the people are self isolating and maybe tell a white lie to ensure that they don't take the delivery away despite what the home owners say? I don't know, it must be very difficult for you.
Any old friends that live nearby still that would help with leaving stuff for them?

They are so old there's not many friends left now and they're so grumpy and rude no one wants to know either. Unfortunately the neighbours I did know were both elderly and since died. But this worries me more because they all stuck together in contact but now there's no one as both properties either side are let out.

I didn't think about the delivery maybe agreeing to leave it at their door this is a good point actually. I think that may be the answer.

Thanks re the letter idea but my dad got scammed for money with one of those 'winning letters' and now learned not to keep any of these items etc.

You have no contact with your parents for very good reason. They had a choice when it came to you and for them they chose the low road, one that they had already been down themselves as children. They did not seek or want to seek the necessary help for themselves.

I would leave them alone and not entertain the idea of having a food delivery.

I would urge you to consider therapy to tackle this whole idea of you still feeling obligated to them despite the presence of past mistreatment and abuse. You seem to be very much still in a FOG state which is not surprising given what you have gone through. Are you trying to gain their approval here; what are the motivations behind your thoughts on them currently?. What are you hoping to achieve here?.

You may also want to look at NAPAC's website napac.org.uk/

You cannot help anyone who does not ultimately want to be helped and that includes your parents. I presume neither have ever apologised to you nor have accepted any responsibility for their actions. Leave them be and only help people who really do appreciate your efforts for them.

Reading and or posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these relationships pages is something I would also consider.

FOG is an acronym for fear, obligation and guilt.

The abuse you suffered was not your fault in any way. That is all on them. They abused your trust totally and failed you abjectly as parents.
They are not worthy of you or your consideration.

I was in a similar situation to you growing up although nowhere near as bad I think. It was just my dad although my mum did get super weird in our teenage years, kept telling us we'd get STDs or die if we had sex lol. Anyway FWIW I had a few years of no contact with dad and eventually forgave him, he had a horrific childhood himself and lived a very sad life . He loved us and he tried and he wrote me such beautiful, caring emails that were all full of food advice. He died alone and in terrible pain and I am heartbroken that I never even replied to his last email. I personally would help parents even if they're totally flawed but it does seem like they're on the totally insane side of flawed.

I think that you should concentrate on your own recovery from abuse.

It looks to me that they emotionally and physically assaulted you for your whole life and it is only in the last 12 months that you have escaped. It’s no surprise to me that your siblings are far away overseas.

I would focus on your own anxiety - on the FOG - fear obligation and guilt that is pushing you back. Being NC takes effort - there are times when it is tougher Xmas, birthdays, illness, hatches, matches, dispatches.

I would think carefully about why you went NC and how this is a slippery slope.....how far along it are you prepared to go?

The way they engage with SS and other agencies to date tells you how their lives will play out regardless of this virus. I would learn to accept their decisions that they have made about how they choose to live.

There are also two of them so one can get help if the other needs it. If they are reclusive they are probably at less risk to infection than you are. If they are hoarders they may well have an avalanche of tinned food to feast on.....

Resist the urge to be sucked back in. Don’t be an apologist for their abuse. Even if they had tough upbringings it is not a green light to mentally and physically abuse children.

Tootletum your story is interesting. Do you think that your DF would have shown any kindness if your hadn’t gone NC to give him time to reflect?

I wouldn’t send the letter. If I got one I would think it was a scam and call the store directly. I also wouldn’t accept groceries I hadn’t ordered. I think I would leave it if I was you.

Thanks yes maybe I am letting everything get to me. I know I won't speak to them again.

I don't like the thought of them remaining alone and scared to their death. Which inevitably will probably happen given especially my dad being nearly 90 but still fit enough to be awful!

I will sit on it and think what to do. I won't rush to get anything.
I'm not even sure I'll know if they do die. My siblings were raised to abuse me as well and last I heard from them I was an evil person for 'abandoning' my parents. I didn't abandon them at all. I told my parents if they continue to be nasty to me and be overly controlling in my life I would not stay in theirs. My mum phoned me to say I was disinherited as a result and told me not to talk to them ever again so I just said sure and have since blocked all of them and over time I've felt better and better about it. I wasn't invited to Christmas since I left living with them and they never did anything for my birthday only for my siblings so that part has been this far pretty easy.

My siblings told me they don't want anything to do with me either now. It's very difficult. I've had therapy that reassured me I am definitely doing the right thing in going nc but as I said it's not easy to simply say well they did this to me so they should now suffer. Even though it's probably right.

I think of you ordered from amazon pantry and their name was on the package they would accept it. You are a kind person.

Amazon pantry you don’t have to be home they will leave it on the doorstep.

You are a lovely kind person OP

Let them be - enjoy your live free

Thanks for the advice. I think all the media on CV is making it harder to ignore but I will try to think sensibly as to what to do and think of myself in it all as well. Tbh I was just going to send a good order and press pay and leave it at that.
But I've had some food for though now, pardon the pun!

They have their other children (your abusive siblings who have ostracised you) to look out for them - even if they are abroad they can arrange a delivery or sort their care. It’s in their interests for their inheritance.

Seriously spend the food money on an extra therapy session.

Yes NC is v hard when you have been trauma bonded to abusive parents for decades. I hope that you have found some peace and healing in the time you have been NC.

What Gutterton wrote.

Re an earlier comment you made:-
" I've had therapy that reassured me I am definitely doing the right thing in going nc but as I said it's not easy to simply say well they did this to me so they should now suffer. Even though it's probably right."

Going no contact is about protecting your own self from being further abused, it is saying no more to being abused. You have certainly done the right thing here in having no further contact with any of your family. They are the people with the problems.

Indeed spend that money instead on some therapy to deal with your FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) particularly with regards to obligation.

Thanks and good point @AttilaTheMeerkat I actually deal with fear and guilt but perhaps I've overlooked the obligation side of things. I was always doing something or the other for them. I got nothing back. I found out they'd all had family parties and not invited me, big presents for my siblings but nothing for me.
I did actually trail through my entire life to see what I'd done to deserve this but I know it wasn't me. I am sure I will never speak with them again but I will reassess the way I'm thinking about still trying to help them as well.

Your siblings can step up and look after them.

Your only responsibility at this point is to take care of you.