Nc with parents and coronavirus

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This is long so anyone reading I hope can stick it out!
I grew up in an abusive home. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive to me growing up. They are now elderly and probably could do much to me but up until I went nc they tried their hardest to get to me emotionally. (And on one occasion physically as well)

I am now nc with them for a year now and at peace with that.

Now here's the thing. My parents were also abused and I know it doesn't make it right but I don't think they understood how to break the cycle of abuse themselves especially as they're of a much older generation so I forgive them completely but think it's better for me to remain nc. They are hoarders and live in awful conditions and despite suffering clearly from depression and other things they say things like depression doesn't exist etc. My dad suffers from really bad health anxiety. And I know the Coronavirus will be sending them both into a frenzy.

I am wracked with guilt at the thought of anyone going through mental anguish because of this virus and I know this will terrify him. I know he will not want to leave the house but they have no idea about food deliveries or anything other than going to supermarket for food etc. They don't have the internet. They are living in poverty on their pensions and don't seem to be able to get their act together at all even when people step in to try to help them. They avoid any agencies completely.
It's always a case of they're managing just fine themselves (they aren't)

Would I be daft to try to send them an anonymous food delivery every now and then with things like canned & frozen items so I at least know they won't starve if they're avoiding leaving the house. They already avoided leaving the house but I know this virus may tip them over the edge mentally. I am also nc with my siblings but they aren't in the country. I don't want to be in contact again but I do feel very guilty for helping bring in food for my elderly neighbours and aren't even helping my parents. I think in my head it's just helping people regardless of what they've done to me but I can't decide if I'm being silly or not.

But she's just said she doesn't want to now.

But you can’t generalise springydaff, you know what your childhood experiences mean for you, you can’t say what it means for the OP.

So posters are saying it's your choice, it's understandable but then also what harm can it do?
Leave her to her choice without the guilt that she probably has had before from friends who mean well.

Guilt? I don't think so. Whatever op chooses is right for her.

As I said, these days we have the luxury of choice. It's so taken for granted but back in the day it was rare, extremely rare.

In MY car is evolved that I'm carrying for my aged parents in the way I should have been cats for. In many ways they are inanimate objects on which I am changeling the love and care i should have had. It's quite a luxury. If they hadn't lived so long I wouldn't have had the chance to do it. I have zero expectations from them, precisely zero. But in many ways they are defenseless in the way I was defenseless when I was a child. Am I going to do the same to them as they did to me?

But these days there are services, plus you have siblings op. They're not going to rot.

Sorry for typos.

It's not straightforward is it? It's not black + white.

My siblings are alive and kicking, young, and perpetrate the family abuse (that my parents set in motion?). I'm resolute about my siblings: they can rot for all I care. Because they're viable? Probably.

My parents are so reduced now. They are not viable. I was ironing my dad's trousers tonight (if you please! I don't iron my own stuff ffs), tucking a bib into his shirt so he didn't spill his food on his front. In a very real sense I'm doing it for me, I'm able to be tender and kind in the way I needed, and need. I'm never going to get it from them but I can give it to them. It's healing, soothing, a balm.

My parents are in their 90s, much reduced, like babies. They're both incontinent. If you have parents, abusive parents, who are younger is not easy to see what in saying. When they're pathetic, old and vulnerable it is easy to see.

That works for you springydaff. Your own experience.

So your siblings can rot but your parents are different because they're old? Surely your siblings (if had same upbringing as you) are just as much a victim too?
I agree it's not black n white.
A lot of people are projecting on here

I simply can't see how one food delivery, and a call to SS, is that bad. If her parents reject both - she's done all she can. Drop the email to the siblings, if she wants!

Im not sure we are projecting, not at all.

Sometimes it's time to get out of our heads and keep in mind that actually, awful-but-helpless old people could be at risk of suffering a very unpleasant death.

Infirmity does make a difference!

FFS that’s a bit of a guilt trip for the OP....”suffering a very unpleasant death”

An anonymous package and a call to SS isn’t going to turn this tanker around.

The OP has already “done all she can” and endured all the physical and emotional abuse she can. She must be in her 40/50s and sounds like she has been the main carer and whipping boy her whole life.

Keep talking to your therapist OP.

You know there are others who are in contact with them who can help.

This is not your job

Do you have children and if so, do you abuse them? I’m guessing not. You wouldn’t treat people the way they and the rest of the rotten bunch treated you, so don’t consider them for a second, as they were never interested in your wellbeing and in fact contrived to hurt and damage you.

Turn the page, burn the book. Well done on going NC. Best thing you could have ever done

I’m not bothered about either of my parents either, they have others to step in if need be, but as I’m the one who they were mean to... I don’t need to lift a finger.

It’s important to keep building the emotional detachment otherwise these wounds will never heal. Put in the time and distance until this process is complete. Far to early days IMHO. Then you may be able to engage at a different level like Springy and Tootle.

Forgive yourself for the decision you had to take because of how they hurt you.

But it's not just a ' simple food delivery and a call to SS' is it??? It's a hell of a lot more than that emotionally, mentally,.
Stick to your therapy and stick to what right for you.

I would also go on the stately homes thread as more people will understand your situation there OP.

An anonymous package and a call to SS isn’t going to turn this tanker around

Can I ask why you assume that the aim is to turn the tanker around?

It's two very limited actions, intended to signal to others that there could be a problem, and then stepping away. Others can pick it up from there, but Corona does mean that extra measures are needed for a time.

it doesn't have to be on/off contact; it's -not- black and white; a very limited measure is not suggesting moving back into their house and living their as their whipping boy!

Anyway I wish the OP the best; when you have abusive parents nothing is easy, and all decisions leave a bitter taste in the mouth. Therapy does help! It's very hard, but it does help a lot in time, if you have a therapist you click with.

On that we can most definitely agree, talking and hopefully repairing is the very best thing you can do. Find your boundaries, know your worth.

Of course it's my experience here Aerial. How else can I convey what's going on my end without, well, telling it? I'm not saying op should do what I do, I'm telling my story, what's happening with me.

It doesn't agree with your story or what you do Aerial. But I have to be able to tell my story, without insisting its the only way, while you do the same, ditto.

There isn't one way to deal with this. Let's not assume there is.

If someone who had lived the same set of experiences with their parents was saying this to you want would you say? Would you suggest they were responsible to provide help. Or would you encourage them to practice detachment.

I'm NC with abusive parents too. I know I'm not the right person to help them for my own psychological health. And to be honest nothing I tried to do to help worked before I went NC because their way of thinking, feeling and behaving cause their problems.

Erm....

And I still say to show, exercise, humanity is the better way. Otherwise we'd be like them?

The intense rage is very much part of the healing. Yes. But to hate is not the best way. It is possible to show humanity even while, at the same time, feeling full of absolute RAGE at what happened to us.

Your words.
You haven't insisted it's the only way......But the better way?

Aerial, pack it in. We're all trying to find our way.

Pack what in?
Yes we are. But you're kind contradicting yourself that's all.
I hope the OP is ok.

@Aerial202
This isn't a competition.
There is no right or wrong here.
Springy is voicing an opinion based upon her own experience. Respect, understanding and compassion should apply to everyone not just those in their 90's.

Yes totally agree.
And I've responded to their opinion.
Respectfully.
I hope we're all ok as we all do the best we can.
I hope the OP is ok.

They have your siblings to help them, OP. Honestly, I wouldn't get involved now. You've done really well so far; getting in touch now in whatever form will set you back.

You seem like a very kind person OP, but not sure I would in your situation. Concentrate on your own wellbeing. Your other siblings can care for them if necessary. I wouldn't do anything, if I were you. By being abusive to you they have waived any right to expect or hope for your consideration and care.