Nc with parents and coronavirus

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This is long so anyone reading I hope can stick it out!
I grew up in an abusive home. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive to me growing up. They are now elderly and probably could do much to me but up until I went nc they tried their hardest to get to me emotionally. (And on one occasion physically as well)

I am now nc with them for a year now and at peace with that.

Now here's the thing. My parents were also abused and I know it doesn't make it right but I don't think they understood how to break the cycle of abuse themselves especially as they're of a much older generation so I forgive them completely but think it's better for me to remain nc. They are hoarders and live in awful conditions and despite suffering clearly from depression and other things they say things like depression doesn't exist etc. My dad suffers from really bad health anxiety. And I know the Coronavirus will be sending them both into a frenzy.

I am wracked with guilt at the thought of anyone going through mental anguish because of this virus and I know this will terrify him. I know he will not want to leave the house but they have no idea about food deliveries or anything other than going to supermarket for food etc. They don't have the internet. They are living in poverty on their pensions and don't seem to be able to get their act together at all even when people step in to try to help them. They avoid any agencies completely.
It's always a case of they're managing just fine themselves (they aren't)

Would I be daft to try to send them an anonymous food delivery every now and then with things like canned & frozen items so I at least know they won't starve if they're avoiding leaving the house. They already avoided leaving the house but I know this virus may tip them over the edge mentally. I am also nc with my siblings but they aren't in the country. I don't want to be in contact again but I do feel very guilty for helping bring in food for my elderly neighbours and aren't even helping my parents. I think in my head it's just helping people regardless of what they've done to me but I can't decide if I'm being silly or not.

It’s just a slippery slope that gets you emotionally triggered and hooked back in the game. Where would you draw the line? Would you chase up SS each week, would you send a box every week? Would you then start calling their GP etc.

Once you open up a chink of light / communication channel - then are you next of kin with SS etc - would the expectation be to move back home for them to care for them at home if they became unwell.

I understand the emotional urge - but you need to consider where this could take you emotionally and practically - and how they are likely to behave in heightened / escalated circumstances, which no doubt would also involve your abusive siblings piling in to dictate what you should do.

Depends how much you value your hard earned peace of mind. I think that you deserve to conserve it.

Ime the road to healing involves mistakes. You learn from mistakes, big time. It's all part of the healing and reassurance.

Eg op could get involved now and it could suck her back in. She'd learn that doesn't work, next time she'll be ready.

Going nc is fraught, as I'm sure we all agree. We are sometimes distressed by impulses, eg to help, to show compassion, that aren't readily cut off when we make the choice to go nc. They say it takes something like 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship. Surely, we're likely to make similar attempts with our family /parents before we fully know that what we're doing is right, and why.

Ime as time goes by you start to wonder if you've overreacted. Ie you start to doubt. You could join a support group who will warn you with dire warnings you SHOULDN'T do this or that because it will 'set you back'. Yes, maybe. Now I'm at the far end of this continuum I think I can say it doesn't matter too much if you make a mistake because you'll learn from it. It's not going to set you back for good, you can afford to make some mistakes.

Plus I do think, brace yourself, that not all estrangement from parents is entirely due to the parents ' toxicity but sometimes because of a huge range of psychological factors that have led to what is often termed the 'nuclear option': cutting off our parents. It is a huge step to take. Making some mistakes, testing the water, can sometimes illuminate factors we assumed we understood but it turns out we drew erroneous conclusions. Etc.

I am absolutely certain those who are working toward healing will get it in the end. Castigating and demonising who we consider our abusers is an essential part of the process but it's important we don't stay there - it is not ultimately a stable footing, emotionally or psychologically.

Mistakes can be painful but I dont think they will permanently set us back entirely. We're already on the road and we'll get there.

I must be in a different process, I’ve never castigated or demonised my parents, just broken my fucking heart over how my life has been. I know lots of therapists work in the ‘rent and repair’ model of family relationships but I’m afraid that’s not always in the interests of the client. That deep longing for a relationship that can never be achieved for both parties equally can drive out so much self-worth. It depends on your view of the nature of narcissistic personality disorder or course, which I’m aware not everybody shares.

NPD is very rare indeed, despite all the hype.

That said, I'd say my exh very probably had NPD and I'm scarred for life as a result. So yes I do know about NPD etc and the immense, lifetime, damage caused.

But here we are, arguing about this when we're all in the same boat, give or take. Shame we can't pull together.

Yes I made mistakes with exh in my journey to freedom. They were painful mistakes, no doubt about that, but they weren't the end of the world. I survived and lived to tell the tale.

here would you draw the line? Would you chase up SS each week, would you send a box every week?

I was very clear that one box, and one call to SS making it very clear tht this was the last of your contact given that you had been abused and disinherited and treated appallingly and that you take no further responsibility.

Why keep acting as if it's either full involvement or nothing at all?

Again, the one and only reason for even this terribly small bit of contact is because of the current situation.