Nc with parents and coronavirus

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This is long so anyone reading I hope can stick it out!
I grew up in an abusive home. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive to me growing up. They are now elderly and probably could do much to me but up until I went nc they tried their hardest to get to me emotionally. (And on one occasion physically as well)

I am now nc with them for a year now and at peace with that.

Now here's the thing. My parents were also abused and I know it doesn't make it right but I don't think they understood how to break the cycle of abuse themselves especially as they're of a much older generation so I forgive them completely but think it's better for me to remain nc. They are hoarders and live in awful conditions and despite suffering clearly from depression and other things they say things like depression doesn't exist etc. My dad suffers from really bad health anxiety. And I know the Coronavirus will be sending them both into a frenzy.

I am wracked with guilt at the thought of anyone going through mental anguish because of this virus and I know this will terrify him. I know he will not want to leave the house but they have no idea about food deliveries or anything other than going to supermarket for food etc. They don't have the internet. They are living in poverty on their pensions and don't seem to be able to get their act together at all even when people step in to try to help them. They avoid any agencies completely.
It's always a case of they're managing just fine themselves (they aren't)

Would I be daft to try to send them an anonymous food delivery every now and then with things like canned & frozen items so I at least know they won't starve if they're avoiding leaving the house. They already avoided leaving the house but I know this virus may tip them over the edge mentally. I am also nc with my siblings but they aren't in the country. I don't want to be in contact again but I do feel very guilty for helping bring in food for my elderly neighbours and aren't even helping my parents. I think in my head it's just helping people regardless of what they've done to me but I can't decide if I'm being silly or not.

If it makes you feel better then do it. Don't do or not do anything that will make you feel guilty. You sound like a very lovely and considerate person OP

It's FOG.
What if they reject your help? How is that going to make you feel?
I agree with previous poster, time for you.
They 're adults.

I don't think it's FOG. You're a good and compassionate person, you don't want two mad old people to suffer.

I'm guessing you wouldn't feel rejected if they didn't receive it? Or would it be triggering? You have to look at that.

But at the same time, you say it's 'difficult' being chucked out of your family. I chucked myself out of my family and it was glorious. I can't tell you the freedom and bliss that I never had to endure their incessant and vicious bullying another second (family scapegoat, like you). But it's hard not having a family, yes, that's difficult.

But life takes some funny turns and, many years later, I am in contact with my family and things are very different. I'm not stupid, wouldn't trust them further than I could throw them, but, for now, we seem to be loosely in one another's lives. I look after my old git of a dad (chief abuser) who is ancient and very frail. I will never get from him what a good father should give to their child, it's never going to happen. But I do feel compassion for him - he was also horribly abused as a child. In a strange way, at least someone is doing the giving and loving.

iiwy I'd try to find a way, somehow.

You're going to need a lot of therapy to get your balance back (though your core humanity is alive and well, op). I've had a lot of therapy over the years, through many different avenues. Look up family scapegoat - you'll recognise it all.

They 're adults. you say, Aerial. Perhaps you don't know anyone very old and very sick in the head, they are desperately vulnerable.

They 're adults. you say, Aerial. Perhaps you don't know anyone very old and very sick in the head, they are desperately vulnerable.

The OP was even more desperately vulnerable as a child and they chose to physically and mentally abuse her and continued to do so until they day she left. They also have their band of colluding, abusive, scapegoating, ostracising to support them.

Compassion is important and self compassion is the most important. The OP recognised FOG and “obligation” resonated with her on this thread. That’s HER reflection, that’s the most important development.

Keep yourself emotionally protected OP. Time and distance will help you emotionally grow. One day you will be a v different person and then you may choose to have a different relationship with them like Tootletum and Springydaff can do. For now it looks like v early days in your recovery.

Of course it's FOG. Her whole first post screams it.
And yes I am very much aware of old and sick people in th ahead. You don't know people's stories that post on here.
Its not just her help they have rejected which makes me think they will reject her again and by the sounds of it,she is def not ready for that.
It needs someone else to help them
She needs to step back.

Thanks for the replies I really appreciate people taking the time to consider this for me as well because I do find it very hard to think with a clear mind when I feel like I am obligated to help the people that have caused a lot of unnecessary hurt in my life.
I would be fine if the delivery got rejected as I know what they are like.
I can't decide though if I'm objectively looking at this as helping two old mentally ill persons or going back to old habits of being obligated to help my parents. I think deep down it's most likely the latter.

I think I won't send the food.
My siblings can help them. And perhaps someone that way will notice if their car isn't moving and they're not coming out.

Could Your siblings be sending food for them? You say they are abroad but they may be in touch via FaceTime etc

The saddest part of this is that they have missed out on being part of your life. Rather than following a pattern and repeating this cycle of abuse you have broken it and become everything they aren't. Perhaps it would be an idea to write them a letter explaining that you intend to have a food parcel delivered to them although do not put your address on it. Then phone whichever supplier you are buying from to discuss what can be done should they refuse it ie refund/ donate to foodbank.
I think if you try you will feel better regardless of the outcome. Clearly you are a good person which is evident through your desire to help them even after everything you have been through.
Do not feel guilty if you decide against sending anything as their behaviour over the years has ultimately created this situation. Good luck

I can't decide though if I'm objectively looking at this as helping two old mentally ill persons or going back to old habits of being obligated to help my parents. I think deep down it's most likely the latter.

Maybe use the compassion urge and keep and eye out for your own elderly neighbours - if everyone did this your own parents would be safe, so would other elderly people who would benefit, you would not risk being emotionally abused and hurt and through volunteering would grow in self esteem. Win, Win, Win.

Prioritise taking care of yourself - as it seems no one has done this to date.

Brilliant. Well done, op 👍🌺

It may not be FOG, but it certainly is an over-responsibility for another adult - so I think you have absolutely made the correct decision, OP. They are responsible for themselves. This is not your responsibility. It's actually a boundary issue, and No Contact is about more than no physical contact. It is about emotionally letting go of them.

This is your inner child desperately wanting a relationship with parents like average children would have with average parents. So what is needed is self-parenting to comfort that inner child and help her let go of that dream.

I would really recommend you talk this through with a therapist to further explore and heal this.

I'm going to go against the grain here.

Their behaviour means they certainly don't deserve help.

But they are also not full independent adults. They are very old, nearly 90 you said, and leading very unhealthy lifestyles, both physically and mentally. They are awful, but also vulnerable.

I think that you should not go yourself, but that you should send one food parcel via Amazon Pantry and that you should email your siblings -once- to say that you are no longer in touch and no longer involved in the family and that they may wish to ensure their parents are looked after. (you'll probably get a deluge of abuse; but if they cba to look after their parents, what does it matter?)

I realise this will be very hard for you, but I do wonder if you have a different perspective in 20 years' time. If you get a deluge of abuse from your siblings, it may stir up bad stuff but I think you will ride it out. Agreed with others that therapy is a good idea!

I do wonder at Mumsnet sometimes. People saying that 'they have behaved shit' are right, but suggesting leaving nearly-90 year old people during a time of great societal stress without at least trying a bit - where is the humanity?

A third option could be to contact SS to say that you are worried for them during the Corona situation, but that you live far away and due to ongoing abuse from them will not be involved.

it may stir up bad stuff but I think you will ride it out

The problem with this approach (which is how most normal people feel) is that you’ve no idea what that actually means for people who’ve escaped abusive childhoods.

It’s not just not being in contact, it’s every occasion, event and milestone being spent with a great big gaping hole in your life where a parent never was. Mother’s Day having never being mothered for example. The pain of loss never goes.

It’s definitely FOG, the longing to do the right thing, so perhaps maybe this time, so might they.

The problem with this approach (which is how most normal people feel) is that you’ve no idea what that actually means for people who’ve escaped abusive childhoods

I know all too well what it is to long, profoundly and endlessly, for parents to be there for you; to comfort you, to talk to you and make you feel you are of value; and instead get endless putdowns, total lack of any sort of respect, heartstopping indifference over and over again even when you have sepsis; and also to make you their absolute subject that when they say jump, you ask how high up on the way up. It's absolutely SHIT, the consequent results, and devastates lives.

They're still nearly 90 and at some point, it's okay to say that my feelings around this 'parent' are mixed, but Im still going to at least try to make sure they don't literally die of starvation, which is what the OP is afraid of.

She can still keep her distance and set firm limits. But I'm not quite sure that her own confusion over her motivations trumps not trying once.

Your childhood sounds appalling, and you obviously do know all the wounds that get inflicted when people accuse you of behaving poorly by not being in touch. I understand you know what it means for you, but you don’t know what it means for her. She terrified of two housebound 90 year olds.

Obviously it’s her inclination to get in touch, she’s a human being. But in her situation it’s also ok to choose not to, in my view. They’ve pushed away every opportunity for being helped. Almost as if they know she’ll suffer further, because they see it as her responsibility.

i agree with seaeagle.
it not to do with deserving; else why does society feed shelter convicted murderers.
its because they are alive, alone, frail and vulnerable.
they may reject out of the blue delivery, i would, fearing some incurred debt by accepting it.
can you write them a brief note to explain what you are doing, and either leave items yourselves outside their door or arrange delivery.
it is unlikely anyone else will check on them. imagine the headlines, two old people found dead, no contact from family,; there would be an inquest, you would be questioned.
so for all those saying look out for yourself, that is another angle to consider. good luck.

I totally agree with Fanthrope
NC is never taken lightly.

else why does society feed shelter convicted murderers.
its because they are alive, alone, frail and vulnerable.

But these are looked after by others not by the victim?

There are plenty of people around (their other children, neighbours, SS are aware) - there is no need for the victim / OP to pick this up.

I was thinking just that.

you’ve no idea what that actually means for people who’ve escaped abusive childhoods.

I do. And I still say to show, exercise, humanity is the better way. Otherwise we'd be like them?

The intense rage is very much part of the healing. Yes. But to hate is not the best way. It is possible to show humanity even while, at the same time, feeling full of absolute RAGE at what happened to us.

As Gutterton says, it's been a long road for me. I'm older and I've had a lot of therapy. It really doesn't matter if you show some kindness and grace, even if it's thrown back in your face. At least you are instigator on holding on to your innate humanity. Unlike them.

In a very very real sense, we and our parents are victims of the same thing/s. They've chosen (although 'chosen' is a luxury of our present age, not available in days gone by) to process it in a certain way, we can choose to process it in a different way. We can choose to be humane.

Looking after yourself and keeping distance from their harm does not mean you are not showing humanity or showing hate.

Honestly there is no way I would contact my siblings. They both get together to go against me. I could not deal with them. They've called me all sorts in the past and also physically assaulted me to the point I have scars that remind me of it constantly.
I don't really have a rage I just want to live a quiet life away from it all. I know I would only ever send a food delivery anonymously for this.

I've had to end friendships after being judged been told I'm nasty to do this to my parents and have already lost enough from the whole situation but I still have thoughts that I can't just leave them there. But I think I should so I can continue living my own life which is definitely much better without all of them.

Keeping distance from their harm is fine. Linedpaper, whom I suspect has had an appalling childhood and adulthood from them, can and should do that - and has, she moved a long long away from them. (I did the same).

But truly, what direct harm can come from sending a delivery given that these two old people may not survive because they are incapable of going out? Or contacting social services to say that you are not involved, but they need to be aware that there is a very real and acute problem here.