How do you cope with being the bad guy- ending it when they don't want it to end

[BreathlessCommotion]

Married 11 years, lots of issues. I've tried for a year, been to counselling. But it's not enough, I know I want to end it. But he really doesn't. He says he loves me, he'd do anything.

I feel awful. I have form for placating and carrying on with things so as not to upset others, or have them dislike me. I'm really trying.

I know that when I think of life separate from him I feel relief. But I'm finding it so hard to just say that's it, it's over.

Oh god I feel for you. I'm probably a way behind you on figuring this all out but I'm so unhappily married at the moment and know he wouldn't want to divorce or separate. Have you spoken to him about how your feeling yet?

Sorry I've got no help but hopefully just talking is ok.

I did it OP. It was really hard and upsetting. You sound like me in many ways. He kept pleading to try again and I did initially but my heart wasn’t in it.
You need to make a plan and focus on that. Be selfish (which won’t come naturally but you have to).
I’m 5 years on now in my own house, good job, good friends and so much happier. I’ve never looked back. The pain is relatively short lived when you compare it to the rest of your life

Yeah we chatted at the weekend but he still seems to think that me being friendly and civil is a sign that we should keep trying. I just don't love him. But I don't want to hurt him either.

You just go ahead and own it and do it, while recognising that’s for the other person you are the bad guy. But are you to stay in an unhappy relationship forever for fear of looking like the bad guy?

I’m in a very similar position. I want to end our relationship of 20+ years but he is happy to bumble along. I posted on here awhile back about it. I still haven’t made the break as I am the same as you, I placate and would rather be unhappy myself than upset someone else.

Sorry not helpful I know, but offering a handhold and you’re not alone

Sit him down and go Over the reasons why and the next steps or options. My husband disappeared when I was on holiday and it destroyed me

Honestly...I had to be a bitch. I didn't want to be and I tried super hard to be nice. But every time I was nice it gave him false hope.

I just had to constantly repeat the 'I'm sorry you're hurting but I can't be the person to support you through this' line until it eventually sunk In.

He then blamed me for his mental breakdown etc etc

Honestly the key is to remind yourself you are doing them an injustice to stay and deny them the chance to find someone who loves them.

It is honestly the hardest thing ever. Emotional blackmail...saying he couldn't live without me etc. I felt a constant guilt for about a year.

But I don't regret it. Like you I tried councelling etc and stuck it out for far longer than was healthy 'for the children

In fact my only regret is I stayed as long as I did

Sprigware - you are so right. I have thought about it A LOT and unless you want to carry on with the relationship then you will be the bad guy. I just can’t get the words out of my mouth. Every time I try, I look at him sitting there, oblivious to the havoc I’m about to wreak and I can’t do it. I need own it!!!

Take a leaf from the sense of entitlement of my male friend, who moved out of the family home in December after twentysomething years of marriage and two children. No one else in the equation, he just didn’t love his wife any more, and didn’t want to continue living like that.

She’s heartbroken, and the girls, who are young, are confused, but he has not so much as wavered.

I’m torn between horror — she never saw this coming, he announced it out of the blue on holiday, and she has always shouldered almost all the domestic stuff and childcare despite also working FT — and a reluctant admiration. He thinks his own happiness comes first.

Very few women can prioritise themselves unthinkingly like that.

@GingerFigs I know exactly what you mean. I was dreading it. I would say it took me about 3 months from telling him to moving out. It seemed never ending at the time but now, 5 years later, it is honestly the best thing I ever did and I get annoyed with myself for not doing it sooner.
Just picture where you want to be and focus on that.
As it happens my ex met someone else before he’d even bought me out of the house. They’re married now. I only found out recently. It gave me a wry smile that he’s someone else’s problem now and she is very very welcome to him.
Even though he was vile to be with, I still had empathy at the end. Don’t trade your happiness for his, you’ll regret it forever

Thanks Aminuts23 good to hear a positive story. The years are ticking by and I know it’s not fair on him,

I went to a counsellor when I left my ex h.

She rightly shone a bright light on him saying
' you are meant to be with me, that's what I want you to do. You are selfish for not doing what I want.' Oh the irony of the accusation of selfish.
Counsellor told me , yes, it's time to do what I want for a change. Yes, it's time to be selfish because it's my life and he had guilted me into doing what he wanted for such a long time. He completely ignored my feelings, wants, hopes and only ever did as he pleased, dragging me along with him.
Stand up for yourself OP, and you might find that all his 'I love you how can you do this to me' soon turns into 'you are a bitch, he hates you & his family and friends never liked you etc etc.'

Guilting someone into going something they clearly do not want to do says a lot about the person doing the 'guilting'

Good luck OP, get a counsellor to talk impartially to, it was the best thing I ever did.

I tried for more than two years to talk things through and save our relationship, every time he'd make positive noises, say he was willing to try and save it, he wanted it to work, bla bla bla. I'll admit I was a complete bitch and bought a one way train ticket to "visit" my mum. I do believe he knew I didn't plan to return. The clean break was exactly what I needed to clear my head.

From a distance I was able to ignore all the promises of things improving, him trying harder etc, I kept all his letters and emails for a long time and found them very hard to look at later. I hated being the bad guy, I hated hurting him but we are both much happier all these years later apart than we ever were together.

Well it depends how you feel about him.

On one occasion I cried a lot because I knew I was causing him pain and still cared for him but felt I was doing the right thing. And I bloody was. I felt sadness, relief and uncertainty.

On another I felt amazing because I was just glad I’d escaped him.

Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and jump and see where you land

Thing is, things have improved a lot. He does now pull his weight (mostly) and on paper stuff is better. But the feeling is gone. I still don't love him, there has been too much said and done in the past (along the lines of emotional abuse). So him doing his share of housework, childcare, cooking etc and being nice (for want of a better term) just isn't enough.

I'm going to speak to him tomorrow evening and set out what I want. I can do this.

I was there too OP, without the counselling. When I originally brought up that I was unhappy, exH completely ignored it because he was so freaked out. I even forgot that I'd said anything! I brought it up again 3 months after that. He wanted to have counselling to fix it, I told him I didn't want to fix it. It was still another 3 months before I could bring myself to officially end it.

I think it's selfish of a partner to cling on when they clearly know the other person wants to split. They are only thinking of themselves and their needs. When I originally brought it up there was no mention of fixing or counselling, just more head burying as per usual.

It took me years of increasing unhappiness to even get to that point. In the end it was having my head turned right at the end that made me pull the plug for good.

I'm now divorced, I have my house, get free time and have a new DP and am so happy. I never regretted it for a second.

@PondLover I can see how it would seem to burst out. From my experience you keep it inside for a long time because you don't want to hurt them. Then it feels like it can't stay inside anymore.

How could your friend have done it better?

@Breathless, I’m not suggesting your situations are remotely similar!

Honestly. I’ve yet to meet a woman who’s ended her marriage because she said ‘family life no longer appealed to her’, and who seemed genuinely surprised when it was pointed out to her (as I did to my friend) that in fact she’d be doing way more hands-on parenting with 50/50 residency than she did while living at home, because her other half did virtually everything while she gamed. (I mean, flip the sexes here...)

Honestly, I think my friend — who has a PhD — just thought the children would continue to live with their mother and he’d nip in occasionally to see them. I was the one who said he’d need a house close enough so the children’s friendships and schooling weren’t affected! I think it hadn’t occurred to him his children would be living with him half the time, and he was going to have to make meals, supervise homework, arrange play dates, do bath time and bedtime, get up at night if they’re ill, etc

I think that’s why I’m cross with him. He’s ended his marriage because he wants to sit around in his pants gaming more than he already does.

And I do think presenting it as a fait accompli while on a family holiday they’d saved for was cruel.

No one on the thread has even contemplated behaving like this.

Hi OP, I am in exactly the same position as you. I’ve finally plucked up the courage to tell DP I’m unhappy and he has been angry, sad, guilting me, he’s telling me our DC will be living with him, he is not letting LO go so we either work it out or we fight for DC through courts. He is a very angry person and reactive so I am currently scared to tell him once and for all. But even though we aren’t talking day to day, I can see him doing things to be nice, and which makes me feel sad and guilty. But I also know I will feel better by myself.
I just need to figure out how to tell him.
Are you going to talk to him tonight? Do you know what you’re going to say?!

I'm going to try and talk to him tonight. It is so awful, I really don't like being the reason people are upset. But I am filled with dread and claustrophobia when I think of being in the same situation in 10 years time.

@breathlesscommotion
We sound like we are the same person.
I go through moments of feeling strong and doing as other posters have said - you have to think of yourself too sometimes otherwise you will go through this again in the future. But it’s not that simple, I know.
My DP mum was here this morning and made a comment on how tired she was (she has a lot going on) but also commented about my situation adding to it (he must have only told her yesterday as she was fine with me but off today and said she couldn’t look after grandchild today) so I went to work to get my laptop and walking back I had a panic attack - first time in a long time. And I know it’s because I don’t want to upset everyone.
So I am of no use to you but I do support you and your decision to tell him and be strong for you. I do believe that one day, when you’ve got through this, you will be happy again, and that feeling is what you have to remind yourself of....
Now... Googles how to take your own advice... lol

I had a light bulb moment when I thought 'dear god, if I don't do something now I'll have wasted my 20s, 30s AND 40s, I'll be getting a divorce at 50'

You just have to do it OP. I did it with an ex. He was pleading for another go, he loves me, he can't live without me, sending me love letters and attempting to reminisce about all the good times we had. It was tough knowing I'd broken his heart but it was the best thing for both of us even if he couldn't see it and I kept reminding myself of that. He is now happily married with another woman and I'm happy for him, we have zero contact and I prefer it that way.

I had this conversation with dh 2 nights ago, I’ve been unhappy for so long and I just couldn’t keep the words in my mouth any longer. He was completely devastated, I literally watched his heart break and have been trying to do my best to help him ever since, he’s very teary and it feels like there’s nothing I can do other than try to keep helping him and sitting with him when he’s upset.
Meanwhile I feel like I’m suffocating

We haven’t told anyone yet, I’ve said we’ll go at his pace and slowly so we minimise the impact on ds (11). I just feel like I can’t breathe along with feeling like the most selfish person in the world. Feeling a lot like I want to drive out into the middle of nowhere and scream my head off for a few hours. It’s hard, it’s really fucking hard

We have two children, so I can't just go no contact (as tempting as that would be). They are why I've stayed as long as I have.